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most of the marriages I see now the woman rules the roost...
however..... I also recognize ….that years ago (before 1970 80% of the women did not work outside of the home) women had less options....decades ago …..many suffered in silence at the abuse/alcoholism of the man because she had few options...and sacrificed herself for the kids...
its not a coincidence that in the '80's divorce rates went up (80% of the women worked outside the home...after 1980) and she wasn't dependent on the man...she had a career herself and didn't have to take any crap...
Abusive men often act on their best behavior until she’s roped into a situation where he “holds all of the cards”
And she’s stuck. If she has kids to care for, no job and nowhere else to turn it’s not just a matter of MEH! I am out!
My marriage felt like a prison sentence, and I was brainwashed starting at a pretty young age, to believe that I deserved it for the crime of being a woman. All women had treated this guy badly, it was up to me to hang in there and prove that women are not all leavers, betrayers, and breakers of hearts and families. All of his constant paranoia, accusations, controlling behaviors...not his fault, since women had hurt him in the past. I had to pay for it.
I spent 18 years trying. Eventually the cost was too high.
I seriously considered leaving once, before the time came when I actually did do so. I was making arrangements, packing... He called his mother over, who was a sweet lady, and I loved her and he knew it, and he said, "Tell my Mother to her face that you are leaving. That you're taking her grandchildren away from her." And when I tried to stand my ground, to explain that the drunkenness and the violence, I just couldn't keep putting up with it, she talked me into giving him "one more month to prove himself." Within 2 weeks he was in the hospital with major unexpected emergency health issues, surgeries, his life was in danger. There was no way I could leave a man who was in that kind of situation.
We had just enough instances over the years where it was like, "I've got a new lease on life, honey, you'll see, I'm gonna make all of this right." And for a while things would be somewhat better. But they always went back into the spiral of addiction, negativity, constant stress and conflict, sooner or later.
I didn't want to struggle the way my Mom did, forced to be with whatever man would have her (and they can be a lot worse than the guy I was with, that's for sure) out of desperation because she couldn't afford to raise her kids on her own. Struggling with poverty, wondering if we were going to lose our home. With a constant refrain of strangers saying that women leave men for the most trivial of reasons and my ex's mocking voice in my head saying, "I'm not hah-ppy" like no, this is not a matter of escaping torment, it's a CHILD chasing rainbows and fairy tales. Who cares if you want to be "ha-ppy" when no one is, welcome to being an adult. Now shut up and deal.
If you have not been there, you have no idea. None.
But when I came here in the worst of it, and was told I only deserved the abuse I was getting, because I didn't run...I mean hell, who cares if my children end up homeless or starving, surely some magical welfare fairy would come give us help, certainly that's how it works right? Hell with their school, my job, our LIVES. And yeah, you get a restraining order, it magically prevents psychos armed with sniper rifles from ever shooting you. It's like an invisible shield! Woo! But hey. Since I chose the slow, painful way, to manage my leaving that situation with my kids, I got told by posters here we were all going to die, and we deserved it. Which is why I had a bit of a hiatus from this place.
If you think that abuse in a relationship is the victim's fault...that really says something about you. It's a fallacy you're using to tell yourself you'd never be in that situation, because you are so much smarter, and so much better. Just like the way you dress protects you from sexual assault, surely those who experience bad things in life were only asking for it. I hope you never get to find out how wrong you are. Until then, you can snuggle up to your BS feelings of righteous superiority, if they make you sleep safe and sound at night.
I am sorry for your experience. All of it. Including here. The internet shows people as they really are, anonymously. And people can be cruel.
I am sorry for your experience. All of it. Including here. The internet shows people as they really are, anonymously. And people can be cruel.
Well, you know. I talk about learning and growing and it's been like wildfire since I left my ex. I've done more self-work in the last few years, than in all the years prior combined. That's another funny thing about being in a codependent relationship, you really don't have the room to think about yourself, your issues, any head stuff you need to work out or resolve. On the one hand, I felt strong and not depressed really, most of the time, but it was a cold kind of strength. All of my issues from my whole life were still in there somewhere but they were locked up where I couldn't mess with them. Unresolved. Unexamined. Because I was far too busy handling whatever crisis-of-the-day my ex had created, to even think about myself.
I did not need space to explode and make an emotional mess all over the metaphorical room (at the time of our breakup, I kind of thought I needed that, some sort of catharsis, but that wasn't really what I needed.) What I did need was just the space, peace, and quiet, and moral support of some good people, to think through things, talk through things, work through things. Make peace with my own brain.
Now, relevant to this, one of the things I realized/learned/applied... A lesson from the schoolyard, we as individuals need to understand where it is safe to be vulnerable, and where it's not. Sounds obvious right? But as it pertains to places like City Data forums, if you come here in a raw emotional state, distraught, troubled, and with nowhere to turn, and you spill out your problems hoping someone can help you set the chaos in order... You are barkin' up the wrong tree. Because this place is a mixed bag of strangers. The schoolyard analogy is apt, you will find that some of your peers are kind and will offer compassion or good advice, but there are bullies, plenty who are indifferent, many who just won't get it. It isn't the best place to bring that vulnerability. Fortunately for me, I found better people in my real life who could be supportive and kind when I needed it. Like many who are in difficult situations, I already sort of knew how I wanted to handle things. It's just that I felt scared and questioned my own strength and resolve, and I wanted people to shore me up, validate what I already knew. You simply won't always get that here, and it isn't realistic to expect it. One must realize when something hurts more than it helps, and switch tactics accordingly.
On another note? Oh my god the change in my workload after leaving my ex. Unbelievable. I eventually wound up housing both of my sons, who are now 20 and 17. The 17 year old isn't really that much work, the 20 year old is somewhat more, but neither of them, nor both put together, create as much work as my ex. And I, too, live in a townhome now, as opposed to the big single family home in the burbs, so no yard work. I do however have a live-in boyfriend, but we don't share bedroom space or a bathroom. He's got his own area in the basement. And the thing is...even though I still do much of the housework, when the load is light I don't really mind.
Another thing I've been working on, is asking for what I need/want. My ex used to make such a production of moaning and cursing and complaining, and required me to "help" even if it was standing there giving him an audience to gripe to, if I asked him to help with a task...it was so much easier just to keep silent and do everything myself. Asking for what I needed or wanted, would be punished and often start a fight I didn't want to deal with. Learning that with normal, healthy people who care about me, I can actually ask for things, and my requests will be seen as completely reasonable and often be honored...it's been incredible. And my sons are far more cooperative without their Dad's example in front of them, too, and help with household chores, sometimes without even being asked!
I have been watching a video series of a pastor talking about marriage, and he made a few comments I was curious if you'd agree with. One is "Men are prone towards chauvinism or cowardice, too much, or too little".
And when talking about women in abusive relationships: "When someone is attacked we call that abuse, as horrible as that is, what is even worse is torment, torment is when you're abused and can't get out, this is like prisoners of war and those that are held captive in slavery. For some women, their version of slavery and captivity and torment is called marriage".
Be honest, as a general rule would you agree?
What torments me, to be honest; is that inarguable endgame: Might makes right. That even if they never would; they certainly could. I don't know why this (silently) infuriates me as much as it does but it just ... does.
There is this little tool called a gun that's a great equalizer when you are physically outmatched. As for finances, a woman can always get a job.
I will never be able to again. I've been out of the workforce or 13 years now to caregive for our son who was disabled at age 2. There are NO childcare options for a child with my son's level of impairment less than $25/hr.
Ironically, I've always had a higher income & earning potential, in every relationship I've been in since I was 22. In this relationship, I am a victim of economic abuse. I was not added as joint to any account or asset. And that; is not a crime.
If I was to die today; it would cost taxpayers $400-$600/per day to care for my son. I will meet my $1 million in lost wages mark this year. I provide the same government who was complicit in my son's injury; uncompensated services of about $182,500/year.
I do not actually feel 'abused'. I feel trafficked.
That’s why it is called a vow. No matter what, you are all in.
And that is how too many people end up stuck in abusive or miserable situations. Bad idea. Life is too short.
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