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This is a mix between relationships and psychology but I'm more interested in the psychological aspect. I think with romance all over media we've been trained to always think about love, our crush, or partner. At least that's been the experience with me for the longest time. I suppose I find it comforting to have my mind on somebody that releases feel-good chemicals. If I'm dating somebody, I'm usually thinking about that person and I'd feel good almost every day. If I'm single, I'm usually thinking about the last person I dated but I would feel bad about it not working out and would feel bad almost every single day until this feeling passes, which can take a very long time.
And I noticed that even during the very beginning stages, my mind immediately latches onto this person, wanting to think about them every day even if I'm not there yet, naturally.
I find this to be incredibly unhealthy and may be part of the reason why I have a hard time with relationships. They stress me out, and no wonder, if my mind constantly feels pressure to focus on this person. I've tried detachment but it pretty much tells you to stay in the moment. Meditation tells you to think about nothing. I struggle with these because it's vague and doesn't give my mind something concrete to latch onto.
Just wondering who else struggles with this? Or what is your mind usually on about? How can I retrain my mind so that it avoids this addictive behavior? It's also funny because I don't have an addictive personality but somehow my mind seems addicted to thinking about people.
I go through phases. When my anxiety levels are high, my mind focuses on whatever I'm anxious about. Sometimes I fixate on a particular person (never my husband, actually... usually a friend or even an acquaintance), and this will last for a few days or a few weeks before my mind switches to something/someone else. If I notice that I'm fixating on something unhealthy (whether it's a worry or a stressful relationship from my present or past), I will generally say out loud, "stop," and force myself to think about something else. Once I do that a few times, the craving to obsess over whatever it is tends to wane. If it's something that isn't unhealthy, though, I just let myself think about the situation/person until I'm done thinking about it. I've had times where I have relived memories of conversations and situations with a friend from high school, for example, for a week or two... I didn't feel stress over it and there was nothing harmful about the relationship with that person, so that was fine. The thoughts eventually went away and switched to something else.
Happy to say my mind shuffles back and forth between all sorts of stuff. In a way, its like my dog. When there's a need to keep her close and under control walking along a busy road, I "focus". When there isn't a need I let her off the leash for a good long run. She's usually the better for it.
Mine is food. My family had major food issues and meals, eating, diets, our weight were frequent topics of discussion and arguments. I've been programmed to constantly think about food.
Relationshipwise, I have had an unhealthy addiction to my exes. I have been married for ten years, yet when my wife asked me what I’d do if I were invisible, I had to be ethical and answer honestly that among many other things, I’d poltergeist them.
It’s hard to share time and bodies and love and experiences and not be at least wistful about it even when it’s over. I know I’m on the unhealthy side, so maybe I am biased, but I don’t see time spent on your previous relationships as necessarily wasteful. You learn things and get better.
Completely depends, but no, I'm not usually thinking about anything romance related. My wife is more like my best friend, and of course I love her, but I'm not sitting there just thinking about her constantly. That's kind of weird. Life is not about just being obsessed with other people lol that's very shallow.
I'm usually thinking about career related things, like how I'm going to take the next step, how I'm going to "make it," what needs to be done between now and then. Sometimes I'm focused on finances, like figuring out how to maximize my investments or minimize some of my costs, and other times I'm thinking about sports and my various teams, or my house and the final things I want to improve about it, or watching movies or playing video games, all kinds of things.
In a general sense though, I'd say I'm preoccupied by focusing on the one thing I don't have, which is major career success and achievement. I have everything else, every material need, a great wife, an amazing house and possessions, financial security, so my focus is on accomplishing what I really want to accomplish. It's a long term thing, but requires short term actions.
When I'm bored, my mind wanders to what I want to do, but cannot (don't have enough guts) to do, i.e. my career. I work in the family business and am very happy there, but it's very low pay for my HCOL area. But I'm so content there that if you offered me 6-figures at another job, I would NOT take it.
But I feel depressed about my low pay. I feel depressed that I don't even want to work, that I don't like responsibility, that I have no confidence in my own skills, how scared I am of getting fired, how scared I am that I may not like my job, that I don't even know what job is right for me. That I feel like a loser for all of this, especially the low pay. That I admire people who know career they want and go after it and they persevere through the bad parts of their job.
I live vicariously through celeb careers or tell people online that my relatives make 6-figures.
Spouse deals with finances because I get depressed knowing that our deposits to the bank are so low.
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