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I'm curious, this is considered a type of manipulation correct?:
Say one partner tries to discuss an issue with the other partner. Every time they do the person never accepts responsibility for their actions, they will blame every other thing and person, then when there is no one else to blame, they will turn it to themselves and say they are not good enough, or always make mistakes, or will never be good enough etc.
This makes discussing any sort of issues or problems impossible.
I know what you mean but don't know if it's manipulation or an inability to accept they must make a change. Though yes, when they pull the "I'll never be good enough for you" response, that does seem like manipulation.
For a person I know who's like this, their parents were what you'd call helicopter or lawn more parents today. Removed every obstacle or made an excuse for any negatives. Bad grade in school? Teacher's fault or poorly written test or something. Sports? Never let their kid compete so they wouldn't have to face losing. Just lots of things like that.
I know an alcoholic and others who do the samething-it's always somebody else's fault.
Part of it is taking responsibility would ruin their self image. And they use to deflect from themselves. In the end they get theirs because in order to change or fix an issue one has to realize there is one. T
I'm curious, this is considered a type of manipulation correct?:
Say one partner tries to discuss an issue with the other partner. Every time they do the person never accepts responsibility for their actions, they will blame every other thing and person, then when there is no one else to blame, they will turn it to themselves and say they are not good enough, or always make mistakes, or will never be good enough etc.
This makes discussing any sort of issues or problems impossible.
Are you presuming to know what goes through a person's mind when they say "I'll never be good enough for you" ?
Cause saying it is manipulation, implies you know the end they are trying to achieve when they say it.
Of course you care about the person and you try to help them evolve and become better versions of themselves. But isn't that also "manipulation"? Aren't you doing it on purpose? Are you ACTUALLY saying that you want them to change or are you trying to understand why they are doing something? Do you want them to be better for you or do you want them to be better for them?
Not everyone can express themselves well enough. Most of the times I feel like it's a misunderstanding.
If people grow up learning that they'll never be good enough because not a lot of people in their lives accepted them as they are, then they are gonna really react badly when you try to give advice. It may even feel like an attack on their personality.
Sometimes it just doesn't fit. You can't make others change, but you can help them move on in their lives and be happy.
You don't always need to discuss problems. Sometimes you just have to trust someone and be there for them.
I'm curious, this is considered a type of manipulation correct?:
Say one partner tries to discuss an issue with the other partner. Every time they do the person never accepts responsibility for their actions, they will blame every other thing and person, then when there is no one else to blame, they will turn it to themselves and say they are not good enough, or always make mistakes, or will never be good enough etc.
This makes discussing any sort of issues or problems impossible.
Yes. It's very effective, isn't it?
I remember when we moved into our new house in 1995 in a lovely, well-maintained neighborhood. We had everything needed to cut the grass, do the edging, etc. He said he would do it, as he had done it at the old house. Weeks went by. I asked if he was going to mow the lawn, because if not I would hire a gardener. "Oh no, no need to spend money on a gardener. I'll do it." He didn't. The neighbors were looking alarmed after six months because the grass was a foot high. So I hired a gardener without telling him. "What did you do that for? I SAID I would do it!"
Unfortunately, the lesson he took from the lawn debacle is that if he didn't do any chores, I would pick up his slack or hire someone to do it. So he didn't do any chores. Wouldn't even take out the garbage. His favorite thing was to wait until I had put the bins out at the curb, then come outside and exclaim with this little haha-gotcha smile, "Why didn't you tell me you were putting the bins out? I would have done it!" Yes, it was my fault he never took the garbage out. I'd just never given him a chance to do it. The same way I never gave him a chance to load the dishwasher or do his own laundry or wipe up his many food spills from the countertops and floors. I'm such a terrible person. I don't know how I managed to live with myself all those years.
It's definitely manipulation by a person who secretly thinks they're smarter than you. As for me, I filed for divorce a few months ago. He's not feeling so smart now, though he's still trying to manipulate. He called my lawyer, told him I have multiple mental issues and should be forced into the care of a psychiatrist. My lawyer and I had a hearty belly laugh over that one.
Take my advice, OP: If you're in a relationship with this person, GET OUT.
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