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I did the responsible thing. I waited five years in Oklahoma, paid off my debt, and then finally moved. I was so excited and was so ready to start living my life. Then COVID-19 hit and has ruined everything. I'm trapped, alone, in an apartment in a city where I don't know anybody and I can't meet anybody because of social distancing. I got demoted at my job and am now in a position that literally causes me to have panic attacks daily. We are also now dealing with the biggest economic collapse in U.S. history and if you believe economists (not politicians) we are in for 10-15 years of excruciating pain as a society. Quitting and finding another job isn't an option.
This was my absolute worst fear and lo and behold, it happened. Now I might end up having to go back to Oklahoma. My last move failed due to the economy and it looks like this one very well might as well. Even if it doesn't, I'm in for the roughest years of my life at least in the near term.
I know this is affecting everyone and everyone is struggling right now, it's just that for me the timing couldn't be worse. This all is 100% my kind of luck.
My mental health is currently the worst it's ever been. It really feels like there's not even a point to anything anymore. I'm nearing my breaking point. This was supposed to be my big breakthrough but it has become the worst moment of my life. I'm at rock bottom.
I should have taken the risk and moved in 2015. I could have had five great years from 2015-2019 and might have actually built a life I could be proud of. Now it's too late.
1. Forget the past . . . woulda, coulda, shoulda
2. Stop projecting into the future . . . catastrophizing
3. Take it day by day and make action plans -- get into better physical shape, improve your mind by taking an on-line course, research new companies, job opportunities.
4. Do something to get out of the house -- deliver meals to shut-ins, etc.
5. Have a contingency plan if things don't open up in the next six-12 months. Don't let your past experiences make you fearful of making another change. This most recent change was just bad luck so don't blame yourself.
Op, get a second job if you have to. Start driving for doordash if you can. And whatever money you have, throw it into getting some online therapy. You’re just gonna drive yourself nuts.
Or a job as a "contract tracer"; lots of states are hiring.
I've read through some of your others posts from back in OKC. It seems you have some mental health issues that need to be addressed and instead of getting real help, you latch on to either moving or buying stuff as a cure to your depression. When you don't find yourself any happier, you start blaming everything and anything for your unhappiness instead of looking in the mirror.
You were irresponsible and took out a massive car loan you could barely afford in order to make yourself happy, then promptly used the car loan as an excuse to be miserable. Now you are patting yourself on the back for paying back the car loan and expressing that life should have worked out perfectly because you were "responsible." I don't quite understand that logic. Since your life is not perfect, despite you being "responsible", you have a handy excuse to be miserable again. You were miserable in college, you were miserable in OKC with your family, and you're miserable where you've moved now.
I see nothing in your original post that sounds different than just an ordinary life. We are all trapped. You were alone before and nothing has changed about that. It doesn't seem that you made many friends before COVID, but COVID seems to be a convenient excuse. Nobody is making new friends right now or even visiting the friends they do have.
Nothing in your previous posts expressed an absolute worst fear before and I'm still not sure what this absolute worst fear is. Did you come up with this after the fact? You have a job, a paid off car, and completed your dream of moving out of OKC to a new city. Is the absolute worst fear that you can't go to the movie theater?
I think you are addicted to being perpetually miserable. You were given a lot of good advice in your other thread, which you seemed to mostly ignore, and latched on to the posts that expressed doom and gloom. When I think of absolute worst nightmare, I think of being grotesquely injured by an IED when I was in the Army, or maybe in a car crash, and not being able to provide for my kids. Being paralyzed from the neck down for the remainder of my life might be a nightmare. Worse would be the idea of something happening to my daughter along these lines. Yet, these things actually happen to people. I've known people that have gone through these things, such as their kid dying in a house fire, and they still didn't whine nearly as much as you do.
You are 34 now, that's 16 years as an adult, take some responsibility for the direction of your life and stop playing the victim.
And it's causing 90% of the negative feelings you're having.
Your outlook is the ONLY thing you can control here. If infotainment programs speculating about rolling lockdowns is making you anxious, STOP WATCHING THE NEWS.
Get your information from neutral online sites like Reuters and AP. Don't subject yourself to news sources where the main goal is views/clicks.
The only thing that has changed from 2015 is your circumstances. You've carried your emotional/mental baggage with you to your new place.
I agree that you need to seek counseling to learn some coping skills for your anxiety.
5. Have a contingency plan if things don't open up in the next six-12 months. Don't let your past experiences make you fearful of making another change. This most recent change was just bad luck so don't blame yourself.
I waited seven years for this move and the fact that it turned out like it has doesn't give me a lot of self-confidence. I wish I could stop making decisions that self-sabotage myself.
I've read through some of your others posts from back in OKC. It seems you have some mental health issues that need to be addressed and instead of getting real help, you latch on to either moving or buying stuff as a cure to your depression. When you don't find yourself any happier, you start blaming everything and anything for your unhappiness instead of looking in the mirror.
Yes, I know it's my fault. I can't seem to make a decision that doesn't leave me in a worse position than I was in before. Whatever I do to try to better myself, it always backfires and makes things worse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TXRunner
You were irresponsible and took out a massive car loan you could barely afford in order to make yourself happy, then promptly used the car loan as an excuse to be miserable. Now you are patting yourself on the back for paying back the car loan and expressing that life should have worked out perfectly because you were "responsible." I don't quite understand that logic. Since your life is not perfect, despite you being "responsible", you have a handy excuse to be miserable again. You were miserable in college, you were miserable in OKC with your family, and you're miserable where you've moved now.
True, but the running theme during college, in OKC, and now is that external circumstances have kept me tied down and have prevented me from actually living my life. My adult life has been a dumpster fire. Most of it has been my fault but then again, should I be blamed for making some of the decisions I made given the upbringing I had and the kind of manipulation and bullying I was put through by my parents? I'm not talking about the car but the decisions that landed me back in OKC in the first place.
The brightest time of my adult life? 2009 and 2010 when I was in North Carolina and living the life I wanted without worrying about what anybody else thought. I should have left OKC in 2015. The real reason I didn't is the hell I would have received from my parents for having done something that reckless while having the car loan that I had.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TXRunner
I see nothing in your original post that sounds different than just an ordinary life. We are all trapped. You were alone before and nothing has changed about that. It doesn't seem that you made many friends before COVID, but COVID seems to be a convenient excuse. Nobody is making new friends right now or even visiting the friends they do have.
COVID happened at the worst possible time, right after I moved. I know that nobody is making friends now or seeing friends they do have.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TXRunner
Nothing in your previous posts expressed an absolute worst fear before and I'm still not sure what this absolute worst fear is. Did you come up with this after the fact? You have a job, a paid off car, and completed your dream of moving out of OKC to a new city. Is the absolute worst fear that you can't go to the movie theater?
Economic collapse.
The fact that I spent years wishing and waiting for this move to happen and it turned out like it has. Ironic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TXRunner
I think you are addicted to being perpetually miserable. You were given a lot of good advice in your other thread, which you seemed to mostly ignore, and latched on to the posts that expressed doom and gloom.
I've been perpetually miserable my entire adult life, with a few brighter moments here and there. I'm not denying that. It's just that I've had bad luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TXRunner
When I think of absolute worst nightmare, I think of being grotesquely injured by an IED when I was in the Army, or maybe in a car crash, and not being able to provide for my kids. Being paralyzed from the neck down for the remainder of my life might be a nightmare. Worse would be the idea of something happening to my daughter along these lines. Yet, these things actually happen to people. I've known people that have gone through these things, such as their kid dying in a house fire, and they still didn't whine nearly as much as you do.
Yes, it can always be worse. Very sorry to hear about that.
I whine on the Internet because it's the only place I can. People IRL don't like complainers.
The prospect of growing old alone and dying alone in a nursing home, having wasted my life. Or maybe dying in middle age due to health problem from years of depression and stress. No love, no kids, no legacy to leave behind. No life accomplishments to be proud of. My parents going to the grave seeing me as a disappointment and a failure. That's the future I'm worried about and am in fact headed full steam ahead towards if something doesn't change.
Yes, I know it's my fault. I can't seem to make a decision that doesn't leave me in a worse position than I was in before. Whatever I do to try to better myself, it always backfires and makes things worse.
True, but the running theme during college, in OKC, and now is that external circumstances have kept me tied down and have prevented me from actually living my life. My adult life has been a dumpster fire. Most of it has been my fault but then again, should I be blamed for making some of the decisions I made given the upbringing I had and the kind of manipulation and bullying I was put through by my parents? I'm not talking about the car but the decisions that landed me back in OKC in the first place.
The brightest time of my adult life? 2009 and 2010 when I was in North Carolina and living the life I wanted without worrying about what anybody else thought. I should have left OKC in 2015. The real reason I didn't is the hell I would have received from my parents for having done something that reckless while having the car loan that I had.
COVID happened at the worst possible time, right after I moved. I know that nobody is making friends now or seeing friends they do have.
Economic collapse.
The fact that I spent years wishing and waiting for this move to happen and it turned out like it has. Ironic.
I've been perpetually miserable my entire adult life, with a few brighter moments here and there. I'm not denying that. It's just that I've had bad luck.
Yes, it can always be worse. Very sorry to hear about that.
I whine on the Internet because it's the only place I can. People IRL don't like complainers.
The prospect of growing old alone and dying alone in a nursing home, having wasted my life. Or maybe dying in middle age due to health problem from years of depression and stress. No love, no kids, no legacy to leave behind. No life accomplishments to be proud of. My parents going to the grave seeing me as a disappointment and a failure. That's the future I'm worried about and am in fact headed full steam ahead towards if something doesn't change.
It doesn't appear that you have any positive influences in your life to combat your worst fear of loneliness. I don't think you will conquer this by self-help alone. I agree with other posters you need a therapist or life coach to help you.
Yes, I know it's my fault. I can't seem to make a decision that doesn't leave me in a worse position than I was in before.
STOP IT NOW!!! You are NOT in a worse position than before. Objectively, you are in a far better one:
1. You have moved from a place you hated to a new city you actually enjoy.
2. You have paid off that car loan and are now debt-free. (That would probably not be true if you had moved to your new city in 2015; odds are you'd still have that car loan to deal with.)
3. You have a job. (There is zero guarantee that would be true if you were still living in Oklahoma, or if you had moved to your new city in 2015).
You're actually in a pretty decent position compared to most right now. You need to stop fretting over things that may never come to be, and focus on living your life and finding a route to happiness now. A trouble-free tomorrow isn't promised to anyone; it's foolish to waste a trouble-free today fretting over the possibility of future woes. Constant worry does nothing to avert future problems, it only ruins things today.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bawac34618
The prospect of growing old alone and dying alone in a nursing home, having wasted my life. Or maybe dying in middle age due to health problem from years of depression and stress. No love, no kids, no legacy to leave behind. No life accomplishments to be proud of. My parents going to the grave seeing me as a disappointment and a failure. That's the future I'm worried about and am in fact headed full steam ahead towards if something doesn't change.
And you need counseling in order to find ways to deal with the anxiety that is crippling you. THAT, not the economy or relationship woes or job issues, is what will lead you down the path to those futures you are so frightened of. It's not external forces that will destroy your future, it's your own mind, if you can't figure out a way to get a grip on it.
"Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true." is the perfect quote for this situation.
I can't keep repeating this cycle over and over again. Every time I try to make a big change to my life to better myself, it almost always backfires and I end up in a worse situation than I was in before. The unending regret keeps building while at the same time I'm not getting any younger. After this, it HAS to stop. It won't though until I accept the smoking rubble that is my current life as my reality and start focusing on the future.
There's the easy way forward and there's the way that I'll be glad I took 10 years from now if I'm willing to endure the struggle.
I do remember your post. And congratulations on your changes. I agree with Parnassia that your difficulties arise from the way you think about yourself and your life. I'm not sure you are fully grasping what Parnassia says about the power you have to frame what happens in a positive light.
Instead of justifying a mindset that keeps you stuck how about opening up the possibility of a new way of thinking? Instead of looking at situations as disasters how about looking for the possibilities in them? It has been my experience that most of my good mental health habits came from surviving and growing through times when things seemed the worst.
You learn your strength, your flexibility, creativity. More important from those things you learn not to awfulize or feel defeated through tough times but to recognize that you can do something different and still feel good about yourself.
Are your goals too rigid? Your demands on yourself for what qualifies as success too high? I don't know those answers.
Something that might help is staying in the now. It's the only place where making change is possible. Forget the past for now. It's written in concrete. (You can change the way you think about it though.)
The future is unknown no matter how carefully you think you can influence it. A good motto to live by is "Plan plans, not outcomes."
Surviving difficulties well makes us strong and confident. Without them we might never know just how resilient we are. Let that be your goal. Good luck.
And you need counseling in order to find ways to deal with the anxiety that is crippling you. THAT, not the economy or relationship woes or job issues, is what will lead you down the path to those futures you are so frightened of. It's not external forces that will destroy your future, it's your own mind, if you can't figure out a way to get a grip on it.
I agree. Right now, COVID has me in a bind but when it's over, I have to change my outlook and approach to life and I'm going to. Even now, I need to work on living more in the present and worrying less about the future.
Too bad therapy is so expensive in the USA. Anxiety about finances is a big thing keeping me from taking the plunge. I've looked into sliding scale but even that would cost me around $320/month. I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and do it.
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