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When straight people get married, they never get to experience sexual relationships with other people of the opposite sex besides their partner. When gay people get married and are in any sort of committed relationship, they never get to have the experience of a same-sex partner. Meanwhile, since I am bi, I am being told it will be very hard, nearly impossible, to marry a woman and not cheat on her with a man. If I was fully straight other women would cause me to turn my head when I was married. That’s a normal human reaction, but all it would be is turning my head. I would never cheat on my wife and ruin what we had. But now since I’m bi rather than fully straight, I’m automatically more likely to cheat if I only date and marry a woman. I’m sick of these massively overplayed stereotypes, and it’s exactly why I’m hesitant to even tell people this. I can understand people saying that if I don’t explore that other side of myself, I can get massive FOMO, but if I do experience it, I am not at all more likely to cheat. Because I am a faithful person who is very capable of monogamy.
I cannot speak to what anyone else has told you. I'm just telling you that ethics are ethics. Your nature does not excuse you from them.
It sounds like you aren't arguing that right now. You're faithful and capable of monogamy, you say. Cool! Do that, then. Just remember that you said that, some decades down the line when the new-relationship butterflies have all settled down and if someone turns your head or makes your body react in the ways you often like to point out in your opening posts...
All the agonizing that you are doing here, does not lead one to believe that you're going to easily dismiss your attraction to men, marry a woman, and be happily faithful to her for your shared lives together. You keep coming back to tell us how hot you sometimes get for guys. And how intensely conflicted you are about it all. But how you still like women and are not gay. Personally, I think that your best bet would be to find a woman who can be understanding about the concept of bisexuality and to be honest with her from the beginning...but I also think that you want the wholesome, traditional/religious thing if you're going to be in a straight relationship, which would point more to hiding it and hoping it never comes back to haunt you or her.
I have no idea if you would experience any kind of FOMO feels or not. What I do know, is that you have a lot of conflicted feelings about your experiences of attraction to various kinds of people, and feel a need to figure out how it defines you and struggle to know what to do about it. This seems somewhat at odds with a determination that you can marry a woman, hide your interest in men and fully accept that it's not something you ever need to act on for life, and be not only faithful, but in a way that is genuine and not resentful. I'm not suggesting that you can only do that if you're straight, but I'm saying that I'm not sure that you can do that if you're carrying all of this conflict and consternation around about who and what you are.
The feeling I have, though, is that when anyone suggests ways for you to find resolution to your internal conflicts, you get defensive and upset about it, which amounts to fighting a battle to defend your state of confusion as it stands.
When straight people get married, they never get to experience sexual relationships with other people of the opposite sex besides their partner. When gay people get married and are in any sort of committed relationship, they never get to have the experience of a same-sex partner. Meanwhile, since I am bi, I am being told it will be very hard, nearly impossible, to marry a woman and not cheat on her with a man. If I was fully straight other women would cause me to turn my head when I was married. That’s a normal human reaction, but all it would be is turning my head. I would never cheat on my wife and ruin what we had. But now since I’m bi rather than fully straight, I’m automatically more likely to cheat if I only date and marry a woman. I’m sick of these massively overplayed stereotypes, and it’s exactly why I’m hesitant to even tell people this. I can understand people saying that if I don’t explore that other side of myself, I can get massive FOMO, but if I do experience it, I am not at all more likely to cheat. Because I am a faithful person who is very capable of monogamy.
I believe that to be a gross understatement since statics say about half of the married population will cheat on their spouse at least once. That is hetero marriages, would imagine same sex marriages are no less.
Since everyone seems to claim that people are born gay, then no gay man could have been turned on by women when they were younger. Gay men should not be turned on by women the same way a straight man would never be turned on by other men. If so, the. That would prove that they were not born gay but learned their gay behavior over time, which is what I believe.
I am 22 years old, and in the past year, my life has been turned upside down by extreme sexual confusion. Basically, I have been turned on by guys my entire life. Since I was in elementary school, there has been no doubt about it. I have never explored the territory of experimenting with a guy, but I have been turned on by them for a long time. However, I had massive crushes on girls as well in the past, as recently as a few months ago. I will also say that I don’t want to be gay. I love girls romantically, and I am also Catholic and involved in my church. I will not let the Church stop me from living my life as I prefer, but it would be nice to be able to remain in good standing.
I had a girlfriend when I was 18 years old for 4 months, and she has been my only sexual experience (with anybody). I asked her out because I was genuinely attracted to her, physically and emotionally, and this did not change when we dated. From the first date onward, I was turned on by her. In fact, I remember physically getting aroused when things moved quickly on our first date and she laid in my lap while we watched a movie. However, since we were both living with our parents at that time, we had to plan out a night for when mine weren’t home to have sex for the first time (it was my very first time). During the sex, I had a lot of trouble getting and maintaining an erection. Mod cut. After that, we laid in bed cuddling for a while, and the erection came back in full force. We didn’t try again as we were both tired, but that definitely reassured me for a bit. We never had sexual intercourse again because our relationship was so short, but we made out and did sexual acts countless times after that and let’s just say I thoroughly enjoyed this and I’d get butterflies whenever she even mentioned that her family wasn’t home (because that meant we could get down to business).
Unfortunately, after we broke up, I have had no other experiences. When I was 12, my male friend and I played a game where we were both naked (nothing sexual, we were kids), and I remember being thoroughly turned on by that as well. In fact, I reminisced about that the other day at work and had to deal with getting randomly aroused and getting the thought out of my head. I am no longer sexually attracted to him in particular now, but I sure was at that age. I also briefly went on Grindr but did not end up doing anything on there, but I got the “have to have him now” feeling that I rarely get when looking at girls’ profiles on Bumble. Surely enough, though, I was talking to a girl on Bumble shortly after that and she mentioned that she used to be a swimmer, and I impulsively thought “Wow, she must have a great body,” and I imagined us having sex and got an erection from the thought itself. I have also had many random erections when talking to girls (fully clothed) at parties. But I have basically had maybe 3 experiences where I saw a girl naked, so I have almost nothing to base this off of. My brain tells me that all those random, girl-induced erections aren’t proof enough that I am bi and not gay (many of those girls were mostly flat chested too). I hear of stories all the time of so-called “bi men” becoming gay, or that all bi men eventually go that route. Or the only reason they were ever turned on by girls is because they were really young and they’d be turned on by literally anything at that age.
As for me not wanting to be fully gay, I see nothing wrong with that. I’m fully supporting of the gay community, but I see nothing wrong with wanting to watch my beautiful bride walk down the aisle of my Catholic parish, while my priest whom I’ve been close to for over a decade marries us. I see nothing wrong with not wanting to stand out at work or at family gatherings as the only gay person there. I fully believe there’s a great chance I’m not gay, and I actually have accepted my attractions for other guys and realize they won’t go away and nothing can make that happen. But I cannot find the same meaning in a romantic (not sexually speaking) relationship with a guy as I would with a girl, and to give up girls in that way would be terrible. But if my sexual attraction to them in the past was all a sham, there’s nothing I can do about it. I know you guys have reassured me before, but that thread kind of died, so I guess I need to talk about it again.
I am Catholic and understand the desire to have a marriage in the church setting. But I have to inject realism. The divorce rate is about 50%. Rates of infidelity are about the same. The affairs can be decomposed into different categories: non-romantic hookups, emotional, major romance outside the marriage, cam sex, sexting, etc. You really need to be onboard with your spouse 100% before you take the long-term commitment. If you have lingering doubts about your sexuality and get married just to "cure" the temptations, it most likely won't work.
With that said, it appears you are bisexual. It is possible to be a bisexual Catholic in a committed marriage. But the odds of success would be much higher in the mid 20s or 30s when maturity has been achieved. The divorce rate is highest for those under age 25.
I think it's great you are Catholic. There are many young adults in your age range who have completely rejected Catholicism. Sociologists refer to them as the "Nones". The young people here in Phoenix have a massive pansexual movement with a major rejection of religion. Although I am middle-aged, I actually enrolled in another graduate program at a Catholic College online just to get some semblance of "Catholicism" among young adults out there. That's how bad it is here in Phoenix. I really needed a Catholic outlet, and that college has done it for me. There are still young Catholic adults out there. Maybe you could go to graduate school at a Catholic College or get involved with the young adult group (22 or older) for Catholics who are recent college graduates or graduate students. Most large state universities have a Catholic Newman Center. The Catholic Colleges also provide an environment that may benefit your desire for growth and self-understanding with a Catholic perspective.
You should probably seek some counseling from the Church and/or a professional therapist. But you are young. There are young adults out there who have an unexpected teen pregnancy while many adolescent soul searching quests have yet to be resolved. At least you are not like that. Best wishes.
As for me, I am straight but empathize with your situation. I've known how much I liked females ever since I saw my first James Bond film with the beautiful Bond girls (lol). I was living in Boulder when the Matthew Shepherd murder occurred nearby across the state line in Wyoming. It was gruesome and unacceptable.
Since everyone seems to claim that people are born gay, then no gay man could have been turned on by women when they were younger. Gay men should not be turned on by women the same way a straight man would never be turned on by other men. If so, the. That would prove that they were not born gay but learned their gay behavior over time, which is what I believe.
I think both scenarios are possible. I also believe there are actually more people that are bi-sexual then there are that are exclusively gay, even though surveys would dispute that. The problem with surveys are many bisexuals are on the down-low and would never admit to their attraction to both sexes while taking part in a survey.
I think both scenarios are possible. I also believe there are actually more people that are bi-sexual then there are that are exclusively gay, even though surveys would dispute that. The problem with surveys are many bisexuals are on the down-low and would never admit to their attraction to both sexes while taking part in a survey.
I find it a lot more interesting how sexuality works differently for different people, than how they arrived at whatever place where they are, personally.
I know a lot of out-and-proud bi and pan people, of various genders and ages and so on...some of them get around, and are poly as well, but for some (like myself) it's not at all about having more partners or more sex. It's almost the opposite of that. I get excited about PEOPLE. Meeting an interesting new person, the last thing on my mind is what's in their pants. I'm more likely to be physically aroused looking at pictures of art or architecture, than pictures of good looking human beings. Does that mean I want to engage with a Queen Anne Victorian in some licentious manner? lol no! Just means that the expression of creative minds, really does something for me.
I never desire anyone sexually if I know nothing about who they are as a person, no matter what they look like. And it follows, for me, that sex itself is more of an act that I want to engage in with a PERSON who has sparked my interest, far more than it is a craving for body parts. We can find ways to make each other feel good, regardless, but I need to engage with their mind first or it ain't happening. I don't care if someone is male or female or non binary, trans, gender fluid, whatever. I care about their beliefs and ideas and how they express them, their tastes and interests, their passions.
I've had people say that they don't get it like how would I know which person to target at a party or something if I don't have an interest from the "good looking" mechanism first...well, I talk to everyone. And see which ones I enjoy talking to. I don't choose which person to talk to based on seeing them and wanting them, and ignore everybody else.
Guess I'm just saying all of this, because bi and pan people get a bad rap for being oversexed and just wanting to get it on with all sorts, and that isn't always how that works at all. Don't get me wrong, I like sex just fine, I just don't see it as the big deal that most "normal" people I've known seem to, or approach it in quite the same way, I don't think.
But I also see it as not only OK, but kind of beautiful, that we don't all operate exactly the same way.
As it pertains to the OP, I'd wish for him to figure himself out, but while being kind to himself and others. The conflict and stress and fuss of it all does seem a bit much, to me, but I've never wrestled with religious dilemmas before, so there are parts of all this I wouldn't necessarily "get."
I know a heterosexual man in a romantic relationship with an older homosexual and self-identified gay man. They're 'mixed-orientation' and very happy. Sexual orientation as an identity is a very Western concept and I think it often leads to people overthinking and getting anxious. Just do what you want to do and what makes you feel comfortable and stop worrying about other people's judgments. It's certainly hard to do, but it's better for your mental health. People trying to encourage you to be 'bisexual' and 'pansexual' are as bad as those saying you are gay. You don't need those labels unless you want them.
OP: I'm not sure what the problem is. You say you are bi, and you describe being bi.
What is the issue? Only you can determine what your preferences are. Strangers on the internet can't judged how turned on you are this time versus that time and it is none of our business, anyway.
I have a male friend who is gay. We've discussed this topic. He said he has a fascination with women's breasts and enjoys looking at this particular body part. But the actual thought of having sex with a women is of no interest to him at all.
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