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I don't know what is up with me and what to do about It. Its like I'm torn. Part of me wants serious relationship and marriage for life. Another part fantasizes about having casual sex whenever I want. I tried both and I know casual sex, open relationships and things like that don't work for me at all. But I'm stuck in daydreaming about it and flirting and teasing other guys even when I'm in a committed relationship. I don't want to be like that. I am tool old to be feeling like this. It doesn't seem to be a phase or something I'll grow out of. It's always been there.
I don't want to cheat. I feel the same if I'm in a happy relationship, or a bad one, or single, I still wish I could hook up with random guys I feel attracted to. But after it I don't feel so good. I also get bored with a guy quickly and I almost always think about some other guy I wish to have when I'm having sex with my current partner.
I don't need guys to pump up my self esteem. I don't want to sabotage my relationship or others. I'm really not like that. So what is my problem? Why am I like this? It's so exhausting.
To me it doesn't really matter if it's something from my childhood and so on. I'm dealing with it by trying to ignore it and not act on it. Sometimes I play with it but I don't cross my personal boundary. When I find a guy who falls for my games I immediately dislike him and think he is a fool and I deserve better. It's like a test. I'm afraid guys don't respect because of it and girls can sense that about me so they don't trust me. I wish I'm not like that but how? I really hate myself because of that.
Perhaps you need to get busy with other things? Redirect your mind? Start to set limits?
Hope you are taking all precautions and are aware of STD's
Maybe you need to talk to a therapist.
Perhaps you need to get busy with other things? Redirect your mind? Start to set limits?
Hope you are taking all precautions and are aware of STD's
Maybe you need to talk to a therapist.
I am busy but it happens even at work and so on, I can't help it. I just drift of. I'm not even having sex. I just play with possibilities.
I'm not a doctor. I can't say what you are or not.
Unless those thoughts and desires are interfering with your life, I don't see nothing wrong with that. I think about sex 24/7 even when I'm asleep, and I still go on with my life. Not everyone is taloired to get married and to stay married. There's nothing wrong with that. There is no point in getting married if you don't see yourself being with that person for a long time.
As for flirting, yeah, now there's something off about that. There are people who flirt with other people while being in a relationship because that part of their life, flirting with someone new, the thrill, the ambient, all that, and it might be bad news for your relationship if you don't get to the root of the issue and have it solved.
Professionals who deal with this exact issue will help you out.
This is called being human. You’re not designed to be monogamous, this was placed upon you by a judgmental society. Everyone wants to shack up with a ton of people they find attractive, completely natural, don’t feel bad about that. Anyone who says otherwise is full of crap.
First of all I am wondering how old you are. With age comes perspective and wisdom, you sound young to me.
When I was a lot younger, I pursued a lot of sex, too. But I did not really want to get married or have kids (it happened, but it wasn't what I wanted.) Fact is, I hit a point around 18-19 where I didn't know what I wanted, but I didn't think it was what I'd been doing. I was restless and frustrated with life.
It took a lot of years to figure out what was in fact my optimal situation. I was not really hooked on sex, exactly, what really gets me going is connection, especially with new people. And yes, sexual tension and flirtation is really fun. But in the vast majority of cases, if and when it progressed to sex, it was kind of anticlimactic. I often just felt like that was the default end to the proceedings, where I'd gotten what I wanted and had to fulfill my end of the bargain or something. But then I had a lot of doubts when I was told that males only liked me because they wanted sex, they didn't actually care about what I said or thought or who I was.
As I got older (and even though age has not been harsh to my looks) I have found that being part of large communities of friends and acquaintances, meeting lots of new people, and sometimes being flirty and fun but without being serious about that and not letting it get to a place where they actually expect sex...while being with a partner who trusts me and isn't insecure or jealous about any of that, and understands that I just need my "people time"...that is where the good stuff is. Frankly it comes down to being a female extrovert who enjoys interacting with men and women both.
By my early 20s I knew that the need I had, really was not about sex. It was a social need. It only SEEMED to be about sex, and I think that's just because of youthful hormones and where I was at in learning "how to human."
So I guess I urge you to think about what, exactly, it is, that activates your happy brain chemicals. It sounds to me like it might not be the sex itself, and if that's the case, then you might be able to frame this whole thing somewhat differently and find better ways to make yourself happy.
But I would strongly urge you, if you form a committed relationship, to make very sure it's with a man who is not prone to jealous insecurity, one probably who doesn't think like most mainstream people do, and who does not expect to be the only man you ever give any significant attention to in your life. If you are likely to need actual sex with other people, then yeah, make sure he's at least down to consider an open relationship. Don't cheat.
The other stuff about self esteem, and the games you play with people...that sounds like you might benefit from therapy. Might be some bad code to debug going on there, but the fact that you are thinking about it now, tells me that you can figure this out. Self awareness is the first step.
Remember. You don't have to be monogamous, but you should always try to be ethical.
I don't know what is up with me and what to do about It. Its like I'm torn. Part of me wants serious relationship and marriage for life. Another part fantasizes about having casual sex whenever I want. I tried both and I know casual sex, open relationships and things like that don't work for me at all. But I'm stuck in daydreaming about it and flirting and teasing other guys even when I'm in a committed relationship. I don't want to be like that. I am tool old to be feeling like this. It doesn't seem to be a phase or something I'll grow out of. It's always been there.
I don't want to cheat. I feel the same if I'm in a happy relationship, or a bad one, or single, I still wish I could hook up with random guys I feel attracted to. But after it I don't feel so good. I also get bored with a guy quickly and I almost always think about some other guy I wish to have when I'm having sex with my current partner.
I don't need guys to pump up my self esteem. I don't want to sabotage my relationship or others. I'm really not like that. So what is my problem? Why am I like this? It's so exhausting.
To me it doesn't really matter if it's something from my childhood and so on. I'm dealing with it by trying to ignore it and not act on it. Sometimes I play with it but I don't cross my personal boundary. When I find a guy who falls for my games I immediately dislike him and think he is a fool and I deserve better. It's like a test. I'm afraid guys don't respect because of it and girls can sense that about me so they don't trust me. I wish I'm not like that but how? I really hate myself because of that.
Yup, you got a problem. Seek pro help on this. You're textbook.
I don't know what is up with me and what to do about It. Its like I'm torn. Part of me wants serious relationship and marriage for life. Another part fantasizes about having casual sex whenever I want. I tried both and I know casual sex, open relationships and things like that don't work for me at all. But I'm stuck in daydreaming about it and flirting and teasing other guys even when I'm in a committed relationship. I don't want to be like that. I am tool old to be feeling like this. It doesn't seem to be a phase or something I'll grow out of. It's always been there.
I don't want to cheat. I feel the same if I'm in a happy relationship, or a bad one, or single, I still wish I could hook up with random guys I feel attracted to. But after it I don't feel so good. I also get bored with a guy quickly and I almost always think about some other guy I wish to have when I'm having sex with my current partner.
I don't need guys to pump up my self esteem. I don't want to sabotage my relationship or others. I'm really not like that. So what is my problem? Why am I like this? It's so exhausting.
To me it doesn't really matter if it's something from my childhood and so on. I'm dealing with it by trying to ignore it and not act on it. Sometimes I play with it but I don't cross my personal boundary. When I find a guy who falls for my games I immediately dislike him and think he is a fool and I deserve better. It's like a test. I'm afraid guys don't respect because of it and girls can sense that about me so they don't trust me. I wish I'm not like that but how? I really hate myself because of that.
Are you like that in other parts of your life? I know people, men and women, that are like that. I don't know what you'd call it, maybe "Greener Grass" syndrome.
House, job, relationship, car, etc...It doesn't always affect every aspect of one's life. Always looking to the next thing, to the point it was noticeable, almost a sickness...
He was constantly job hopping, until he got a job that allowed him to basically have a "new" job every several months as a consultant (different client, different city to travel to...)
He traded in his car every year or so, with some odd justifications
He kept his townhouse just long enough not to lose money and sold it, moved a mile away, to another townhouse, albeit brand new, and slightly bigger
He kept the same girlfriend for a long, long time, the only seemingly stable part of his life, though he then broke up with her on the grounds of wanting to be single then ended up in a relationship within a few short months, and moved out of state to be with her
Every year he swapped phones for a new better one, we'd hear about how great the Android platform was, then the new iPhones, then back to a droid...
He wasn't all that materialistic either, he just couldn't manage to be content.
I've made the point here before that there are both men and women, who -- when left to natural urges -- will more often than not want to have casual relationships with those they find attractive. Men are expected to be this way more often than women, but anyone can be this way.
But like many, you also have concerns about it. Is it ethical? Is it healthy? Is acting upon urges really the best way to live?
Since I'm a person of faith (Christianity) who tries to follow the Bible closely (including Paul's commentary on sexuality in the New Testament), I don't believe casual sex is the best way to live. Thankfully, years ago, I ended up with a person I find attractive, and we both value faithfulness. He isn't theistic, but over time, we both decided that being mutually committed was the thing to do. I came to that conclusion after coming back to the faith (I wasn't in the faith when I first met him), and he came to that conclusion also himself. In the first year or two of our relationship (2004-05), we considered it open, but neither of us found someone we liked any better. Couple that with my renewed commitment to faith, and his own principles (not faith-based, but favoring committed monogamy as well), we've been monogamous now since 2004. We married in 2016.
I don't know if you will follow that same path. My faith is monergistic, so I'm not the sort to argue people into a kind of "decision theology" about it, either. And maybe you won't follow the same convictions my husband does. But I would encourage you to think about the implications of casual sex, and if that's something you really want to live out. Whatever your conclusions are, and whether or not they're faith-based or based on some other kinds of ethics or principles, it's something you're going to need to look into for you to find peace of mind and closure on the subject.
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