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He’s married to your sister? Ask her what his problem is.
Could he have a hearing problem? I do, and if i in a crowded restaurant with lots of conversations going at once, I have trouble understanding the person next to me.
what is his problem? what is our problem? i really would like to understand him and find a solution to this.
I'd bet significant sums of money he's neurodivergent. My wife's an Asperger's autistic, and this is exactly what happens to her in a social situation. A previous poster said that neurodiverse people are not comfortable with sensory overload, but it's way beyond that - they literally can not process it. Their brain is simply incapable of collecting and organizing all that information coming in at once from so many different directions, because it is already wired to overthink and overanalyze all incoming data to begin with - so when you exponentially increase the information input by flooding their sensors with data from numerous sources, and probably coming in very rapidly because that's how those animated group conversations tend to go, the CPU is incapable of sorting it out, interpreting it, and simultaneously processing and articulating what they are going to say in response. The incoming data and the outgoing data (that is, what they would like to say in response) are muddled together in a cloud, and they can't sort them out.
If he's autistic, he needs for it to just completely shut off (even if only for a second or two) so he can process what he is going to say separately from what he is hearing. You got irritated earlier when a different poster said this, but I'll say it again - if this is his situation, the only thing you can do to help is discuss it with the people in the group and work something out where he signals the group when he has something to say (like literally raise his hand or something), and then everyone pause and let him collect his thoughts and speak. Now before you get annoyed at me too, let me make clear that I'm not suggesting you do this - I'm just answering the question you asked - "what is the solution."
If he is neurodivergent, that is probably the only thing you can do to help. You can't pop the lid open on his brain and rewire it. There may be some things that he can do to learn how to cope with this problem (if he believes that he is, in fact, neurodivergent and that he needs that kind of help), but it's pretty much on him. Not really anything anyone else can do. Have you (or as far as you know, anyone else) ever discussed the subject of autism or Asperger's with him?
Oh, and as for him seeming to be irritated at people for not letting him speak - again, if he is neurodivergent, that would be typical. These communication problems are very frustrating for aspies and auties; they see an entire room full of people having a good time, everyone's fitting in with one another, the social interactions are running smoothly, and they just want to be a part of it - but when they try, they're simply not able to make it work. And if their disorder is relatively mild, this may be one of just a few types of situations where they even notice that they're different from other people, so it can be confusing for them why they are completely incapable of doing this one thing that everyone else seems to do very easily. My guess is that he's probably more angry at the situation than he is at the other people, but his frustration is misdirected and expressed toward the people rather than just the fact that it happened.
I know from talking with my wife that it's extremely painful to watch the whole world getting along with one another and having normal lives, and all you want is to be like them, but for some reason you're just not able. It's a tough way to live; they always feel like they're standing outside watching a party through the window.
Whatever it is, good luck to both of you. You sound like you really love your brother-n-law and support him. I'm sure that means a lot to him, and hopefully the two of you together can work out some sort of solution.
it use to not bother me. he did his thing, cool. but now he's getting mad at these gatherings family and social and snapping at people. " I can not get a word in everyone's talking," he says a lot. I am impressed that he comes but why accept the invite in the first place? we never judged him until now because he bites our heads off for not catering to him.
The organization of the party may be too unstructured as well as the conversation style of the guests. When people just speak up and interrupt each other, it may become a competition between who is loudest, funniest, or most entertaining. If he is getting mad, it is because he is not ready for such an unstructured environment.
I do not have autism or any neurological condition and I, like your brother-in-law, just detest that sort of conversational style. I know that to people who like it, are accustomed to it, it seems lively and sociable and so forth. To me it seem rude and chaotic and shallow. I have one part of my family (in laws/niece/nephew) who talk like this. It's all interruptions all the time. I avoid them in larger gatherings when I can, I certainly stay fully out of the conversation when I can't avoid them. I love them as people, but find one-on-one with them to be infinitely more pleasurable.
It is interesting here that people who like this manner of conversation so quickly assume people who don't are somehow afflicted with neuro issues. Maybe they just don't like it because they grew up in a setting where other people actually listen attentively when someone else is speaking.
Last edited by Jessie Mitchell; 11-14-2021 at 06:12 AM..
So have many people cater to 1. yeah that's not going to happen. your advice is sound but unrealistic. that may help me for house parties but in other places not so much..lol, ill talk to the business owners at the bars and tell them to keep all their customers quiet for him.
So what is the point of your post?
Your brother in law likely has sensory issues where the level of sound and/or number of conversations is simply too overwhelming. This isn't something you guys can sit down and talk your way out of if his brain is wired differently.
You are unwilling to consider making any adjustments to make him more comfortable, which is fine. So now your option is to stop worrying about it and just let BIL deal with his own business.
I find it fascinating how so many people on here just seem to believe there has to be something wrong with him. Sounds mainly like an introvert trapped in a party of extreme extroverts.
You know, once upon a time it was considered rude to just interrupt and talk over someone else who is already speaking. Has nothing to do with a "court of law" but simply politeness. You speak, then you let others speak while you listen. Normal polite conversation. The idea that you can listen to multiple conversations at once while texting simply means the level of conversation and understanding is pretty shallow.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessie Mitchell
I do not have autism or any neurological condition and I, like your brother-in-law, just detest that sort of conversational style. I know that to people who like it, are accustomed to it, it seems lively and sociable and so forth. To me it seem rude and chaotic and shallow. I have one part of my family (in laws/niece/nephew) who talk like this. It's all interruptions all the time. I avoid them in larger gatherings when I can, I certainly stay fully out of the conversation when I can't avoid them. I love them as people, but find one-on-one with them to be infinitely more pleasurable.
It is interesting here that people who like this manner of conversation so quickly assume people who don't are somehow afflicted with neuro issues. Maybe they just don't like it because they grew up in a setting where other people actually listen attentively when someone else is speaking.
I find it fascinating how so many people on here just seem to believe there has to be something wrong with him. Sounds mainly like an introvert trapped in a party of extreme extroverts.
You know, once upon a time it was considered rude to just interrupt and talk over someone else who is already speaking. Has nothing to do with a "court of law" but simply politeness. You speak, then you let others speak while you listen. Normal polite conversation. The idea that you can listen to multiple conversations at once while texting simply means the level of conversation and understanding is pretty shallow.
Exactly.
yes. exactly.
i feel the same way. I am the same way.
I find it fascinating how so many people on here just seem to believe there has to be something wrong with him. Sounds mainly like an introvert trapped in a party of extreme extroverts.
You know, once upon a time it was considered rude to just interrupt and talk over someone else who is already speaking. Has nothing to do with a "court of law" but simply politeness. You speak, then you let others speak while you listen. Normal polite conversation. The idea that you can listen to multiple conversations at once while texting simply means the level of conversation and understanding is pretty shallow.
Exactly.
It was not so much that I thought something was wrong with him, but that he was not prepared to handle the environment. If the family wants the man to be present, then they need to prepare him which includes listening to what makes him angry and not staying in the dark about it and being more proactive about his discomfort during the party. What I have found in some cultures is that giving this much attention to an adult's feelings is considered "babying" them and that the adult should just learn to deal with it.
The other option would be not to attend but I know it can be difficult when one spouse doesn't want to be part of a gathering.
what is it about these situations you hate? I can not relate but want to. i could sit in a room of ten people talking, with a radio playing, and could be texting someone all at the same time.
you may not be aware of it, but the attitude that comes across in your posts (and quite likely in your person) is very critical and harsh and judgmental and blaming.
I find it fascinating how so many people on here just seem to believe there has to be something wrong with him. Sounds mainly like an introvert trapped in a party of extreme extroverts.
If you speaking of the posters speculating that the BIL might be neurodivergent, wondering that is not saying there's anything wrong with him. It's an explanation of why he might be processing the situation differently, and positing that he needs X in a room that's bombarding him with Y.
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