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I’ve always wondered which is worse: finding out your spouse was cheating and then going through a sudden divorce or having your spouse die suddenly.
Death includes a lot of grief and emotional pain - plus everyone supports the surviving spouse, whilst divorce can be painful, expensive and humiliating. But which is more stressful and/or painful?
What do you think?
Are you trying to decide between divorcing or murdering your spouse!
I’ve always wondered which is worse: finding out your spouse was cheating and then going through a sudden divorce or having your spouse die suddenly.
Death includes a lot of grief and emotional pain - plus everyone supports the surviving spouse, whilst divorce can be painful, expensive and humiliating. But which is more stressful and/or painful?
What do you think?
I am not sure what the point is in comparing the two. If I got married I wouldn't have illusions that it couldn't go wrong, such that I’d be shocked if someone cheated and divorced me. I would have been quite careful going in, assume we would have been together a while and I felt it would be worth the risk. I’d set it up legally correctly with prenups etc. and if we needed to walk away, we could do so without surprises.
I would be disappointed, and for me losing faith in someone is pretty heavy, but nothing I couldn't rationally walk away from and survive another day. I don't believe in giving power over to others to destroy my life. The fact they walk away is not for me like some people who will get traumatized for life. I consider that a bit foolish and a bad choice.
Death is pretty much more tragic and I would find tougher. But, I don't like thinking about that at all, even hypothetically. I see no point. It can take years to deal with that loss. It’s not something we’re taught how to deal with.
I have no doubt that death is worse. Divorce is also incredibly painful. I have been through it 3 times. I think you just have to keep moving through the pain in either situation. I don’t see how comparing the two helps anyone.
In divorce, there is often one partner who has been ready for the relationship to be over for a long time, and another who was bound to try and hold onto it long past when it should have ended. Some people are more aware that what they are part of isn't healthy. So I've known plenty of people who got out of abusive marriages and felt a lot better afterwards.
As far as deaths of loved ones go, in my life experience there can be a big difference between a death you see coming and one that you don't. The elderly relatives who were sick and suffering for a long time, you had time to say good bye, it's very different from the friend who ended their own life or died of a tragic accident way too young.
I think that whether you can see any of it coming in some way is a much, much bigger factor in how you'll cope and process, then which event we're talking about.
But assuming that in this situation, one loved one's spouse and either scenario comes out of the blue and is unexpected, as the OP said...
Other factors that as variables would have to be set aside or negated to answer this:
Are there children? How will this event affect them, and how hard will it be for the parent to support them in getting through it?
What are the financial ramifications? Does a death take away a much needed income, or is there a big life insurance payout? Does the divorce cause financial hardship to one or both of the people?
Are there other relationships that one stands to lose, such as a bond with the spouse's family?
...and so on.
I think that I, personally, would feel more heartbroken and have a harder time getting over the sudden and unexpected death of a beloved spouse. If they found someone else and suddenly left, that would also be challenging, but I personally could find the emotional resilience to be happy for them if I wasn't serving their needs and they found someone who was... And I know that I would be fine. Lots of people have abandoned me throughout my life, it's not a new thing, I really don't count on others easily and I kind of have to always feel like "with or without anyone's help or reliability in my life, I will be fine." I don't honestly trust anyone not to eventually part ways with me somehow. I don't believe in "forever" relationships, or people being "there" for me very much.
But I know I'm probably a rarity in that mindset, and it took an unusual set of life circumstances to cultivate that. Not one that I would recommend just in order to have a bit more resilience.
Oh and as for running into your Ex at the store and such... You have no idea how many times I've thought that I saw a friend who was dead, and had a moment's brief flicker of a wish, a hope, that it didn't actually happen. The mind does play those tricks. And when inevitably you correct your brain in these instances, you also get a little stab of grief all over again that you've got to process. It SUCKS.
Death. With divorce in the situation you describe--one involving infidelity--I would eventually come to the realization I am better off without him. I would not come to that conclusion if I had a happy marriage and a beautiful life with someone.
Ya know this thread reminds me of something, though. Probably one of the more heartbreaking stories about a relationship that I ever heard. I knew this woman from another forum site, and she was polyamorous (it was a poly forum) and she originally was with a man who was bisexual. He fell in love with another bi man, and the three of them wound up all very much in love with one another and living together. This is extremely rare...not one woman with multiple men like that, but that any given three people can truly and deeply love each other and be one whole unit like that, regardless of the genders.
And they were together for over a decade. They lived in a house on a lake in the rural Northeast. Then one day...and she was actively posting, and shared this all with us as it was happening, which was just...it was so brutal... One of the men, the second one to come along, he died in a car crash.
And sadly, once he was gone, the other male partner, her original partner, just could not cope with the change in their household dynamic, the reminders, nothing was the same for him. He slowly distanced himself from her when she desperately needed his love and support to cope with her own grief. And he ended up leaving her altogether and finding someone new.
I have also seen in families and friend groups that sometimes when a person dies, it changes the structure and dynamics of everyone who is left in ways that people just never recover from. Sometimes it can strengthen bonds, but often it destroys them. So setting aside the "weird poly" thing...I'm thinking about this as it would pertain to households with children and extended family.
A sudden death can have implications that often blindside people just as much as the original loss did.
Both are awful, IMO, but in different ways. Divorce is a protracted kind of pain with many aggravations and can last years from the beginning of problems until final resolution and being able to move on to a new relationship as a milestone. I think a lingering death has some similarities in that it is protracted and has many burdens. Sudden death is devastating emotionally but often for a short time, but the aggravations come afterwards, mostly dealing with all the paperwork of inheritance, etc.
I've seen people move on from the sudden death of a partner in a matter of months - it's been less than a year before they are dating again, and while they may remember their lost spouse with love and miss them greatly, the trauma has been overcome and they can move on. Divorce often takes longer and may have lingering issues for over a decade what with child support and custody concerns.
Big picture, death is worse since it effects more than the spouse, there's other family, kids, etc. But while going through my own divorce/betrayel situation I felt that a sudden death would have been easier on ME. It's a tough thing and the problems don't always end when the divorce is final.
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