Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I noticed some people in their teens and 20's get labeled as being too nice. Many guys might get told that from women they want to date and many women might get told that in their careers. From my experience, it seems like a majority of these people outgrow the too nice phase. Part of the reason is just growing up and another part is maybe just the hardships of life that build up and harden a person.
I tend to look at the character of those stating someone is too nice because in my experience they are saying it out of fear someone they care about will be vulnerable to emotionally abusive people, or they are jealous/disapproving of anyone else having an influence , or they have less patience and compassion and are judging.
Being overly nice and putting up with being walked over is not good. One can be a nice person yet have healthy boundaries and know how to deal with manipulative people or rude/nasty people without resorting to being nasty yourself.
I was told that by someone who deemed I was naive and I needed her wisdom. I needed her wisdom like a wisdom tooth.
The definition of 'too nice' probably varies with the accuser.
It is really more a question of boundaries than anything. You can be kind, and still not let people take advantage of you.
Being indifferent or withheld or harsh is just a very clumsy way to have boundaries. It keeps people from taking advantage of you, by the simple expedient of making them avoid you altogether.
I think a better approach is to be empathetic and kind while still being clear on who is responsible for what. That requires more thought and effort and sometimes, more risk than just being badass.
I think for many people growing up niceness is tied to feelings. If a person got what they wanted, then the people responsible for that were "nice" even if they didn't want to do it or had some reservations. A parent might say, "That's the nice thing to do" and can teach their child to become a doormat.
I've been harsh and I don't look back and regret it. I look back and see it as a necessary step to keep those who were relentless off my back and their supporters who to this day can't explain why something is "nice" beyond feelings. I am kinder today because it is obvious it is ignorance that keeps them behaving the way they do and they are not me (a very inquisitive person.) I know it is ignorance because I have a young daughter who is slowly learning to build boundaries in an environment where children will drop the enforced parental niceness mask when nobody is watching. I was not provided an opportunity to learn how to create my own boundaries. And it now makes sense why I wasn't provided that opportunity. A person can't teach you something they don't know themselves.
I think for many people growing up niceness is tied to feelings. If a person got what they wanted, then the people responsible for that were "nice" even if they didn't want to do it or had some reservations. A parent might say, "That's the nice thing to do" and can teach their child to become a doormat.
I've been harsh and I don't look back and regret it. I look back and see it as a necessary step to keep those who were relentless off my back and their supporters who to this day can't explain why something is "nice" beyond feelings. I am kinder today because it is obvious it is ignorance that keeps them behaving the way they do and they are not me (a very inquisitive person.) I know it is ignorance because I have a young daughter who is slowly learning to build boundaries in an environment where children will drop the enforced parental niceness mask when nobody is watching. I was not provided an opportunity to learn how to create my own boundaries. And it now makes sense why I wasn't provided that opportunity. A person can't teach you something they don't know themselves.
Yes I agree and suppose we should define "nice" first because as you point out it can be defined as "you acted towards me as I expected you and gave me what I wanted". Too many equate rudeness or nastiness with a simple "no" or a reasonable personal boundary or a simple lack of agreement on a topic, or even just being "different" in some way -- including ways in which you have no control over, such as gender, sexual orientation, neuroatypical, etc. "Niceness" becomes a code for conforming to a predetermined set of social requirements.
My definition of a "nice" person is someone who is real, open, approachable and kind and has a default assumption that you are a similarly decent human being. That doesn't preclude them from having boundaries or being clear on who is responsible for what -- nor does it preclude them from shutting down inappropriate requests, etc. Nor does it require them to be a doormat to random asshats. Nice people can and should have a strong center and they should not be nice just to "avoid making waves".
Maybe nice isn't even the best or most accurate word. I'm open to alternatives. Kind? Could be seen as a pushover too. But "kind" is more specific and doesn't have the connotation of "making nice" or "going along to get along".
I think the kind of "nice" you are referring to is really people-pleasing. Some learn healthier interpersonal skills and boundaries, but it's not something you "grow out of."
Yes I agree and suppose we should define "nice" first because as you point out it can be defined as "you acted towards me as I expected you and gave me what I wanted". Too many equate rudeness or nastiness with a simple "no" or a reasonable personal boundary or a simple lack of agreement on a topic, or even just being "different" in some way -- including ways in which you have no control over, such as gender, sexual orientation, neuroatypical, etc. "Niceness" becomes a code for conforming to a predetermined set of social requirements.
My definition of a "nice" person is someone who is real, open, approachable and kind and has a default assumption that you are a similarly decent human being. That doesn't preclude them from having boundaries or being clear on who is responsible for what -- nor does it preclude them from shutting down inappropriate requests, etc. Nor does it require them to be a doormat to random asshats. Nice people can and should have a strong center and they should not be nice just to "avoid making waves".
Maybe nice isn't even the best or most accurate word. I'm open to alternatives. Kind? Could be seen as a pushover too. But "kind" is more specific and doesn't have the connotation of "making nice" or "going along to get along".
I don't have a single word but rather a process and prefer it goes nameless.
Just a little thing I discovered after looking at the history of the word nice. It is related to the word science. The "n" in nice is "not" and the rest of the word is "know" and is related to the word nescient. In Spanish, the related word is necio which means "foolish."
Definitely depends on what we're talking about and the whys behind it.
If we just mean having decent manners and being casually friendly to strangers, I've become more and more of that as I've gotten older. Mostly I attribute that to moving in a westward directly across the country as an adult.
I also think that I am more kind and compassionate than I have been in the past. But I also believe that part of that is having the luxury and privilege now to be able to engage with my principles a bit more. When my life was a lot harder and was more about survival, I used to think a lot that I just did not have the resources to be compassionate to strangers, because my resources were so scarce that it all had to go to my family. I had to take a hard, "you get yours, I'll get mine, stay off my patch" mindset, because I sure didn't count on anyone helping US any.
Now though? I have a lot more resources. Time, money, energy. Calm and peace of mind. Less stress, so it's harder to rile me. I can "afford" the luxury of my principles, and so yes, I prefer to be a kinder and more compassionate person. That was always there...but it's easier for me to really lean into it now.
But if we are talking about people pleasing when it's not good or healthy for me, in significant ways, letting abusers and advantage takers into my life and neglecting to have good boundaries... I have learned a lot from experience about that. I can't claim that I have reached a point even now in my 40s that I cannot be taken advantage of by anyone ever, for instance I still struggle with where to place boundaries with one of my sons, and it's not easy for me to stop helping him before it turns into harming myself... But I have got a WHOLE lot better than I have been in the past and especially in my young adulthood.
If we're talking about the kind of "nice" that is only cover for manipulating someone into doing what you want them to... I think I'm actually at about the same level as I've ever been. Maybe I do it a little more mindfully now. I mean, professional schmooze for instance...it is what it is.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
