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Beats me..... seems to be an elusive thing for me for a long time.
I just get up day after day, try to have a decent day, put in another day of work, and get one day closer to when the time is truly mine. Places to go, things to see. Life will be better at some point.
I think of the role of memory. To find a new pinnacle. If life feels anticlimactic, then happiness is in the past. So the answer seems to me to be to create new memories, ones that matter, with discovery, adventure, and the pressure is to create memories better than any you already have, quite a tall order. Think of a child for whom all the world is new--there is no anticlimactic, everything is pretty much uphill for decades.
Happiness is above contentment, but contentment is not so bad, and acceptable, when we can't find that elusive happiness. Sustaining that level of excitement seems impossible, doesn't it? I think of drug addicts too at this point in the discussion, always chasing that elusive high, the one they had the first time when they got hooked. Happiness is a drug, finding it more than a few times in life would be amazing. Or Love is a drug, (Roxy music!) Go find love again, you'll be flying high on happiness.
When all else fails, tell yourself happiness is an inside job, you don't need to leave the house, or even have your eyes open, just meditate. Some hare krishna type thinking in which you tell yourself that your happiness resides in yourself, always has resided there, and that you can't go looking for it externally, or you will be giving away your power to others. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnLoToJVQH4
Happiness is all in your mind: Gen Kelsang Nyema at TEDxGreenville 2014. She's pretty good...quick ted talk.
Music is among the best kinds of medicine for healing a broken heart. When you’re trying to move forward after a breakup, having a playlist full of songs about moving on you can cry to, laugh to, dance to, and do whatever you need to do to is key.
Luckily, making music is part of the recovery process for many musicians as well, which means there’s no shortage of breakup songs for you to choose from as you work on picking up the pieces of your broken heart.
Uplifting songs about moving on and letting go can be great — to an extent. But if you don’t want to end up wallowing in self-pity for too long, what you really need is breakup songs about moving on to bigger and better things.
Moving on from a breakup is hard—really, really hard—and can take time, but music can be a crutch that helps prop you up while you heal. “Music affects the limbic system of the brain, a mid-brain interior section that responds emotionally,” says relationship therapist Tammy Nelson, Ph.D. “When we listen to music the limbic system reacts with chills, excitement, joy, sadness, and anger.”
With that in mind, listening to empowering, uplifting songs can help boost your mood. Dr. Nelson explains that the amygdala (a part of the limbic system inside your brain that controls memories and emotion) is connected to trauma, and when we listen to music, feelings connected to trauma can be quieted.
I believe that I have some kind of predisposition to depression, and ADHD, but that fortunately for me, they are mild. Mild enough that mostly just being aware of them and finding ways to exert control over my mind, is enough to keep me perfectly functional.
But I know how bad it can get. I've experienced being so depressed that I no longer wanted to live, that I could not get out of bed, being so restless that I could not focus on anything no matter how important it was, being so hyperfocused on something that I did not want to eat or shower or do anything that pulled me away from my fixation. Having experienced these things at their worst, I do what I can to try and head them off before they get there.
I have found that a depressive episode will often begin with biological things. Hormonal shifts, failing to take adequate care of myself (HENS: Hydraton, Exericse, Nutrition, Sleep) ...then once that process begins, my mind starts to fill up with "gremlin chatter." Rumination on sad or painful or upsetting memories or thoughts. The worst being the ones that attack the self. If I find myself doing this, I can either consciously STOP or I can indulge it and let it spiral me down. I am so glad that another poster just mentioned music....one of the most effective ways for me to halt "gremlin chatter" is to play music that makes me feel good. I also use music to control my ADHD issues, if I need to focus on a tedious task, playing the right music keeps me exactly as engaged as I need to be. If I need energy, I play jazzy marching band music or rockabilly.....if I need something to distract the squirrels, depending on how much brain power the task requires I might choose mellower music, or more engaging tunes that I like. I have not been much of a fan of sad music for a long time, though when I was a teenager I used to indulge the gremlins and the depressive moods more, and there was music that could drag me into a dark place....but then I could play aggressive music to transform it into an angry mood, or uplifting music to pick myself up and dust myself off.
So there is the element of "happiness" that for me, is about keeping the here and now from becoming too dark, staying positively engaged with my reality.
But there's a much bigger sense of happiness that is part of my core philosophy. It's always trying to be kind. Making an effort to not assume the worst of other people, nor of myself. Having appreciation for what I have. Having hope that my efforts will lead to good outcomes and the attainment of goals, but being willing to embrace shifting goals over time without disappointment. Avoiding attachment to specific outcomes. Things can go in ways that I did not plan, and yet still be going well. I do a massive amount of planning for everything in life, but I often say that it is all "done in pencil." I know that life will throw me unanticipated curve balls, and I am not afraid of them. The sky won't fall because I couldn't see the future. And what's the worst that can happen, eh? Something kills me? Then I'll be dead, so I won't care!
I used to try and explain to my Ex that it was a core difference in our basic life philosophies. To me, happiness was important, hope was important. He would say that happiness was trivial and stupid and there's no hope, everything sucks and always will. Better to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised. To me that was a horrifying betrayal, because we had two children. How do you create two kids, one of whom was actually planned, if you believe in a miserable and hopeless future? How can you even look at them, and not think that we are working to build a happy life...but instead to think that we're just in the trenches, surviving, and always will be? Is that the future he wanted for them, I wondered? I guess maybe it's the military training that made him think that way, I don't know...but I think it's in his nature, too. I never could get him to understand that when I talked about the importance of happiness I didn't mean a frivolous chase after irresponsible momentary thrills. I meant everything from being able to sit back and look at your life and think, "You know...this is pretty damn good" to embracing the little things, finding a penny on the sidewalk, seeing an interesting bird.
Like we'd go on vacation as a family. He would complain and grouch and yell at everyone the whole time. Like, OK so maybe going on a road trip to the beach wasn't his preferred activity... But like, I hate sports, but if one of my kids had wanted to go to a game, I'd have gone and I'd have found a way to smile and be present and enjoy the day. If not for myself, then at least for them.
So when I talk about happiness...as a whole Thing... That is part of what I mean. Being a happy person. In general. Part of it is who you are in your own head, part is how you interact with other people. And I think you can fake it 'till you make it, in a sense. I definitely feel that developing the habit of being casually friendly to strangers (greeting people, saying please and thank you, wishing others a nice day) has helped transform my attitude during my life. Being good to others can have a big impact on your internal mental landscape.
If happiness is what we want, and we want it now, why is it so hard to let go of the past that makes us so sad?
The culmination of your memories is the story of your life that YOU tell yourself. Most people want to avoid pain and experience pleasure, so why do memories from the past interrupt our happiness? I think it’s because the need to avoid painful or dangerous things is more important to our survival than pleasure or happiness, so we remember pain more. That’s what I’ve heard counselors say anyway.
The culmination of your memories is the story of your life that YOU tell yourself. Most people want to avoid pain and experience pleasure, so why do memories from the past interrupt our happiness? I think it’s because the need to avoid painful or dangerous things is more important to our survival than pleasure or happiness, so we remember pain more. That’s what I’ve heard counselors say anyway.
I can see the survival aspect somewhat. Yes, if the memories are of dangerous things, like rape or other physical abuse. But painful memories can be one of loss, mistakes made, opportunities lost, loss of innocence, betrayal of trust, or guilt. We cannot always avoid those things so lessons learned will not help. Some can help in growth and maturity.
I can see the survival aspect somewhat. Yes, if the memories are of dangerous things, like rape or other physical abuse. But painful memories can be one of loss, mistakes made, opportunities lost, loss of innocence, betrayal of trust, or guilt. We cannot always avoid those things so lessons learned will not help. Some can help in growth and maturity.
The growth and maturity is important, though. I think that it becomes important to consider whether your train of thought is constructive, or just indulging in self-torment and feelings. Feeding them, knowing even perhaps that you shouldn't, but doing it anyways... At least it's felt that way for me at times. But at other times I can think about things in a more clinical way, dissecting and analyzing information and how I have felt and what I have done as a result. And in doing that, I learn to understand, "This is why I do xyz."
Understanding oneself is important stuff, I think.
I have been a picky eater throughout my entire life. Serious aversions, most of which I have learned not to even challenge. One day I got to thinking, after my Mom told me it was weird because I wasn't like that when I was little, I suddenly changed around age 5 from a child who would try anything to one who would eat very few possible foods... I got to thinking about what else happened when I was 5? My primary caregiver died.
I don't remember feeling grief. I don't think that I understood that my Gran Gran was actually gone, or what death really meant. I remember playing with rocks in the landscaping at the funeral home. But I think that there was something in me that changed. Some deeper shift that I don't remember.
And I came to comprehend also, that I have always felt most comfortable and happy with much older people, because my actual parents weren't great and the best caregivers I had were my Grandparents and Great Grandparents and later my Great Aunt. My parents were materialistic, stressed out 80s people. The older family members seemed to know better how to love a child.
I could take this past, and use it to focus on my grief for not having parents who were loving and engaged and consistent. I could focus on the part that hurts. Or...I can turn and see that my childhood gave me a means to love and appreciate the elderly, when so many people do not.
But painful memories can be one of loss, mistakes made, opportunities lost, loss of innocence, betrayal of trust, or guilt.
Remembering mistakes made could be a way of preparing you for the next thing you may have to overcome. Same with opportunities lost, or trust. You can’t trust everybody to have your good in mind, if you got burned… your mind will tell you to be more cautious because of “that memory”. As far as guilt is concerned, if you were really crappy to someone and hurt them, “that memory” is telling you it was dead wrong and don’t repeat it (assuming the person isn’t sadistic).
You got me on“loss”. Yeah man losing a family member, friend, or SO is tough. But if you can’t be sad over them, you won’t remember the good times either.
A warm place to poop, money in the bank, work that you enjoy. Any of them by themselves can make one happy so happiness is not tied to an object. Or it is in all objects.
Shakespeare said nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so. So how you think will determine whether or not you will be happy or unhappy under the same set of circumstances. A homeless bum can be happy with a cheap bottle of wine. A millionaire can be unhappy because there is a leaf on his manicured lawn.
Remembering mistakes made could be a way of preparing you for the next thing you may have to overcome. Same with opportunities lost, or trust. You can’t trust everybody to have your good in mind, if you got burned… your mind will tell you to be more cautious because of “that memory”. As far as guilt is concerned, if you were really crappy to someone and hurt them, “that memory” is telling you it was dead wrong and don’t repeat it (assuming the person isn’t sadistic).
You got me on“loss”. Yeah man losing a family member, friend, or SO is tough. But if you can’t be sad over them, you won’t remember the good times either.
Memories of good times can make you happy but they can also make you sad, and again, it is a feeling of loss of a time that was good.
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Songs About Moving Forword
