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I think much of our outlook on life is nature. I have always been positive much like my father, my sister is negative and my brother in between. My mom wasn’t negative but more skeptical of people, etc and often right. I have spent a year in therapy twice. Once to try to improve my marriage to my kid’s dad and once to get the strength to leave him as he was controlling and verbally abusive. I learned much about myself during therapy.
I have had my share of heartbreak and sorrow losing family and friends to death and having to divorce 3 husbands. Leaving my last husband was the hardest as for many years we had a good life and lots of fun together. But he changed for the worse with numerous cheating and went from being easy going to difficult to live with. He was always on the lazy side but raised it to a art form with me doing everything.
I am no longer religious and I don’t think things happen for a reason. Two of my friends have lost children and have coped but it changed their lives forever. No loss is worse than that. Life is random and nothing can guarantee bad things won’t happen. I try not to spend much time looking back as it doesn’t do any good. I have found to my surprise I am happy living alone with my 2 Maltese and my friends and family provide much happiness. I am less extroverted than I used to be in my senior years which has surprised me.
Of course it helps if you can convince yourself that everything happens for a reason, but not everyone believes that...
Yeah, I don't so it's a struggle for me. If I had more going on in my life, there wouldn't be "room" in my head for the rumination. It's a boredom issue, if I am honest. Then, there's too many reminders in daily life....so I can't "get away" from it.
This reminds me of something I read recently - I was reading the book (I stopped) called "It's OK If You're Not OK." This book was like "random bad stuff happens. There's no purpose for it, it just happens to some people. Etc. Etc." I thought to myself, "BS! I DON'T BELIEVE LIKE THIS." Talk about victimhood. I simply do not believe that this is the way life plays out. And I've had some really bad stuff happen to me over my lifetime, TERRIBLE things actually. But I just cannot and will not focus on them, and I will not be a victim. I believe that there IS a purpose to everything that happens to us, whether we can grasp it now or not.
I feel like since I believe this, it gives me a lot of peace throughout various storms. It gives me a solid rock per se.
Yeah I've had some arguments with people about this sort of thing. I mean, I don't tell other people how they need to feel about their life experiences. But I demand the same consideration. For me, that's what it comes down to.
Probably one of the most significant things I've had arguments with people about on this, was a sexual assault when I was 15. The guy was 28, if I remember correctly. I don't much care to think about it and I don't feel it has any bearing on my life. I did not feel horribly traumatized at the time and still don't. I felt disgusted, but I got over it. If I could wave a magic wand and levy consequences on the man for his actions, I would not. Because I feel that he had been drinking and we had something of a language barrier and cultural misunderstanding going on, and he probably does not even see it as having been a rape, and I strongly suspect he is a perfectly good provider for a family with a bunch of kids by now. His kids should not lose their father because of what happened to me all those years ago, and he's not a monster, he's just a dude. Mind you, I never want to see him again, but that hasn't really been a problem. I don't imagine I ever would.
But people sometimes seem to WANT me to be fragile, traumatized, damaged, broken, to explain to me how much of a stain, a bruise, a wound I carry about this. Something. They want their sympathy to mean something to me, maybe? They want me to understand that this man was a terrible monster who did a terrible thing? Well, for me, this mindset takes all of my power away and gives it to him. I'm not saying it was my fault, but I also do not accept that the only element of something like that over which I have any control - how I process and feel about it - should not exist and I should be a helpless little weeping broken doll. Unless of course another person (a man) comes along and avenges my honor or something.
Yeah no, eff that thanks. I'll just get on with my life, and have a fantastic life thankyouverymuch, and thusly in this way, I win. In the only way that matters to me.
It hasn't got anything to do with things happening for reasons or not, for me, though that's a totally valid way for people to see things if it helps them. And I'm not better or worse than anyone who processes anything in their life in a different way than I did. Ain't no hardship olympics here. I just think that any other person who feels more qualified than I am, to speak about what is going on in my head can generally get bent. Especially since I am not stuck in any kind of dysfunctions that are keeping me from enjoying my life. (Other than the occasional laziness or procrastination type stuff.)
I've often wondered why some people can let go of things seemingly easily and know how to move forward, while others cling on to the past and have difficulties digesting events and people.
My mother in law for instance has had her share of traumatic events, yet she doesn't seem to dwell on them. She is always positive, always doing things, meeting friends and family, making plans for the future (she is 99 by the way). My husband is very much like her, never looks behind him.
I am the opposite. I can't get over my childhood years. I am forever mourning the death of my sister and parents, I am nostalgic about everything, places I went to, houses I lived in, people I met and loved etc. I can't get over regrets I have about the way things turned out and decisions I made.
I wish I was like my husband, with no mental suitcases to carry everywhere I go, but you can't change the way you are that easily I guess. It must be something in your genes perhaps ?
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Originally Posted by Thoreau424
I think it mostly goes back to how one was raised, and the example of their parents, as well as people and influences around as one "grows up". I always had very positive and productive influences, and believe I've continued those throughout life. They've kept me moving forward, and out of emotional "ditches".
If you are used to healthy influences, you tend to automatically reject negative influences. On the other hand, persons used to negative and dysfunctional influences seem to continue with them since they are so familiar.
Well said, I agree! It depends on these factors IMO:
- how person was raised (what values, morals were instilled in them, did parents teach mental strength, to roll w/ the punches, etc.)
- how traumatic the event is (rape, murder of loved one, assault of person, etc.)
So for example, we all know death is inevitable. We don't like it, but it's going to happen evnetually. It's a part of life. So yes, while we'll feel more for certain people's deaths over maybe certain others' in our lives, we can't stay down & out & depressed over that years later. I think I read long ago that people could take a good year to get over a loved one's death on average.
I personally haven't experienced something personally demoralizing, etc. such as rape, etc., so it's hard to say how resilient I'd be, but I'm otherwise strong & know that life's too short to dwell for too long & we have to make life as pleasant as possible in the otherwise negative events that maty occur. We should make the best of a situation & I'm not talking about we stay in a bad, abusive marriage & make the best of it. I'm talking about things we may HAVE to do such as like a goo job, although of course people can quit anything there too.
Some of you are failing to understand that some people are traumatized so early in life and they do not develop the proper coping mechanisms.
I just do not thing anyone is knowledgeable enough to judge how people do or do not recover or how long that takes. Talk until you are blue in the face. Anyone who does not match your judgmental expectations will just completely ignore your rationalizations.
Of course it helps if you can convince yourself that everything happens for a reason, but not everyone believes that...
I have never had to "convince myself" of that though - I've always believed it and it makes sense to me. What I know is such a small sliver of the total picture. But you believe what you feel comfortable with and I'll believe what I feel comfortable with.
Yeah, I don't so it's a struggle for me. If I had more going on in my life, there wouldn't be "room" in my head for the rumination. It's a boredom issue, if I am honest. Then, there's too many reminders in daily life....so I can't "get away" from it.
I know what you mean about reminders - I am surrounded by them and some are good and some aren't. I went to a grief counselor after losing so many precious people in my life in such a short amount of time, and she gave me some terrific advice. She said to walk through my house and put everything that doesn't bring me joy into a laundry basket and then put those items up - don't necessarily throw them out but put them out of sight, and I did that. WOW. It made a huge difference in my outlook on things. For instance, one thing I always think about is the credenza where I had all these family photos out - and most of them were of people who are now dead and gone. I replaced every picture of someone dead with someone living, and it was TERRIFIC. Action shots too - on vacation, catching that big fish, etc. Living in other words. Terrific.
Some of you are failing to understand that some people are traumatized so early in life and they do not develop the proper coping mechanisms.
I just do not thing anyone is knowledgeable enough to judge how people do or do not recover or how long that takes. Talk until you are blue in the face. Anyone who does not match your judgmental expectations will just completely ignore your rationalizations.
This reminds me of attending a Grief Share group for a bit. There was a woman in there who was still grieving over her late husband four years later, crying as if he had died last week. I remember thinking "But I don't want to be like you are in four years." (This was about 3 months after my husband died.) I don't know what else she was dealing with though. I suspect it goes way, way back.
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