Surviving insults (emotion, mistakes, toxic, relationship)

[treemoni]

Surviving insults: choose not to be insulted.

Yes. It's difficult.

[treemoni]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

So if my friend said they were shocked I couldn't figure something out, they would genuinely mean they were surprised I couldn't figure it out, because normally I'm pretty smart about stuff. They would NOT mean "it's so simple you must be dumb for not figuring it out."

The thing is, some people would automatically interpret the statement as the bolded because they are feeling insecure. Another difficulty: knowing when someone is being insulting vs. seeing where you might be projecting your own insecurities.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by treemoni

The thing is, some people would automatically interpret the statement as the bolded because they are feeling insecure. Another difficulty: knowing when someone is being insulting vs. seeing where you might be projecting your own insecurities.

Yeah, that crossed my mind. My Mom takes offense at everything, and it is fatiguing.

Most of the people I'm with 1) know none of us are going to say something to be nasty; 2) cannot pass on a good joke, and those CAN get insulting , and, 3) We are all pretty thick skinned, can admit our own foibles, and are self confident in most areas.

[Good4Nothin]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

Nope, I have kind and loving friends, if they say something it comes from a good place (why would I have friends that try to hurt me?).


So if my friend said they were shocked I couldn't figure something out, they would genuinely mean they were surprised I couldn't figure it out, because normally I'm pretty smart about stuff. They would NOT mean "it's so simple you must be dumb for not figuring it out."

Definitely against using "truth" as a weapon. Like my sister is overweight, I'm not going to point out that truth, because that would just be rude.

But if someone commented that I'm a klutz... then yeah, there's a truth I wouldn't bother to get upset about.

Among the people I hang out with, if they said something that hurt the other's feelings, they would feel horrible.

Life is hard enough without hanging out with people who insult you and make you feel bad.

I bet there are plenty of "truths" your friends don't tell you.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by Good4Nothin

I bet there are plenty of "truths" your friends don't tell you.

Of course. They are also a smart enough group to know that what they think are truths, aren't necessarily TRUTHS. They know it as just their perspective. But as a group, we don't really share our opinions on problems, unless asked, and even then, the opinion will be shared in the nicest way possible.

[Good4Nothin]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

Of course. They are also a smart enough group to know that what they think are truths, aren't necessarily TRUTHS. They know it as just their perspective. But as a group, we don't really share our opinions on problems, unless asked, and even then, the opinion will be shared in the nicest way possible.

Your group has certain guidelines to follow. Not necessarily better, or worse, just the way your group agrees to act. I don't think that is true of social groups in general, and lots of times friends talk about problems and serious things. I wouldn't feel very close to friends who always stuck to light-hearted subjects.

Any time we share a problem with friends, there is a chance they will not react the way we hoped. I had a very nice friend years ago (now deceased). Several times I told her a problem I had, and she said she used to have that problem but had overcome it. It felt to me that she had ascended to some higher plane. But that kind of response is common, and I sometimes catch myself doing it. It's ok if you explain HOW you overcame the problem, so I can try to do the same thing.

My friend I talked about in the OP insults me often in this way, and in other ways. For example, I told him I used to go to a certain kind of spiritual self-help meetings. He said he went to one of those once, bringing a friend, and everyone there was extremely f-cked up. I said well I WAS NOT f-cked up, and maybe it was a different kind of meeting. He seemed to not believe me.

Ok, I admit, maybe he is not an ideal friend for me. I don't expect friends to be perfect, and to never unintentionally insult me. But he does it in so many ways. It's kind of interesting, sometimes subtle and hard to explain. Like he will say extravagantly complimentary things about a mutual friend. And I'll say "Hey, what about me?" And he won't understand what I'm complaining about.

[Mikala43]

Not sure how you came to the conclusion that we only talk about light hearted subjects, we all discuss problems. I think only once my sister came across "unhelpful" and I told her that I really felt she was not being supportive, and she immediately changed to being more supportive. But generally, we are not needy, or thin skinned, and most of our group is pretty self aware of our "personality quirks".

My group of female friends back in Hawaii were the same dynamic.

I am very selective about the type of people I keep as friends. I'm an introvert, so if no one is around who I consider a good friend, I'm good on my own, plus I have DH. Since we've moved, I do have one good friend, but we do not have a lot in common, but she is a good person.

[Good4Nothin]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

Not sure how you came to the conclusion that we only talk about light hearted subjects, we all discuss problems. I think only once my sister came across "unhelpful" and I told her that I really felt she was not being supportive, and she immediately changed to being more supportive. But generally, we are not needy, or thin skinned, and most of our group is pretty self aware of our "personality quirks".

My group of female friends back in Hawaii were the same dynamic.

I am very selective about the type of people I keep as friends. I'm an introvert, so if no one is around who I consider a good friend, I'm good on my own, plus I have DH. Since we've moved, I do have one good friend, but we do not have a lot in common, but she is a good person.

You are probably not aware of this, or will deny it, or will say I am thin-skinned. But your comments on my post are clear examples of one-upping.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by Good4Nothin

You are probably not aware of this, or will deny it, or will say I am thin-skinned. But your comments on my post are clear examples of one-upping.

One upping whom? And how so?

[Good4Nothin]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

One upping whom? And how so?

Ok. Not aware.

I explain a problem I had with someone, or something. The person I explained it to tells me how they never have that problem, and they are so much better off than me, in that respect.

It is very common, and I have described something like it in this thread. And you provided examples with your comments. YOUR friends would never insult you. YOU are good at choosing your friends. YOU don't ever experience the sort of problems I described.

It's the opposite of relating to what someone says, and guarantees a lack of rapport. It's a zero empathy reply.

But now you will deny it, and that will be part of the same old thing.

And denying it could be considered a form of gaslighting.