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You can’t go back in time. That’s something anyone overcoming obstacles in life has to understand. You can look back and try to understand/learn from the past but you can’t live in it in the present and future. And yeah, sometimes moving a big mountain starts with just a tiny bit confidence…or faith if you’re a religious person.
I think a bit of confidence is essentially meaningless when OP is speaking to an entire (adult) life of suffering, loneliness and misery; he/she has been so emotionally incapacitated, they are still living at home and don’t date, etc. This isn’t about religion or mustering up a little confidence; it’s a major psychological problem that has festered/grown for decades.
That said, I think OP’s post was a cry for help/attention. I do hope she gets it.
I think a bit of confidence is essentially meaningless when OP is speaking to an entire (adult) life of suffering, loneliness and misery; he/she has been so emotionally incapacitated, they are still living at home and don’t date, etc. This isn’t about religion or mustering up a little confidence; it’s a major psychological problem that has festered/grown for decades.
That said, I think OP’s post was a cry for help/attention. I do hope she gets it.
A lot of people without a tiny bit of confidence to try would let it fester a lifetime. OP sounds like he’s taking an honest look and willing to change. He could easily take a more negative view without any hope…THAT would be a much bigger problem. Plenty of people out here that live a certain way and never try to change after a while. I don’t think he’s denying that this major problem is in fact a problem.
I think a bit of confidence is essentially meaningless when OP is speaking to an entire (adult) life of suffering, loneliness and misery; he/she has been so emotionally incapacitated, they are still living at home and don’t date, etc. This isn’t about religion or mustering up a little confidence; it’s a major psychological problem that has festered/grown for decades.
That said, I think OP’s post was a cry for help/attention. I do hope she gets it.
This OP is clearly looking to get out there and try to do something new. All you need is a very little bit of confidence to take a class at a community center or through the park district. It’s also important to remember that everyone was a newbie at one point. One thing about socializing as an adult is that you are free to stop something if the crowd isn’t right for you. This isn’t like being stuck with the same school cohort for years as a child.
In the overall scheme of things, the OP’s issue is not that uncommon. It is more uncommon here than it is elsewhere, but in Japan it is estimated that more than 1% of society is hikikomori, and although the claimant is outside the age bracket, I think they estimated that 3% were NEETs, or people not engaging in employment, education or trades. They stop counting those people at 34, so there may even be more who are older than that. The OP is at least better than that and can work part time.
I do realize that I’m not likely to ever become a high achiever or to ever become some impressive, high-status male, and that’s perfectly fine. I just want to be happy and content.
I sincerely thought to myself "wow. This guy thinks he's way behind everyone?? He's actually way AHEAD of a LOT of us."
Some people live their whole entire lives, up until the time they die, trying to BE something, looking for some kind of higher status, trying to be "impressive" to others, and they forget the important things like being "perfectly fine" with who you are and just wanting to be happy and content.
You are a unique individual. And your life experience isn't "less than" anyone else's. It is unique. And your perspective is something valuable to contribute to the rest of us.
Now hopefully, other folks can help you with your question of how to put yourself out there, etc. because that's not my strong point, either.
Good luck with everything.
You sound like a pretty interesting person to me, whose life took a different road than most.
Your story touched me.
Just wanted you to know that.
Hope all goes well for you.
It sounds to me (although I'm not a doctor; nor do I play one on TV) like you might suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder. It shares similarities with social anxiety, but is more deep-rooted and disabling. Maybe do some research into that -- there are tons of YouTube videos on the subject -- and see if you can find some more specific advice for living with this condition. Good luck!
I sincerely thought to myself "wow. This guy thinks he's way behind everyone?? He's actually way AHEAD of a LOT of us."
Some people live their whole entire lives, up until the time they die, trying to BE something, looking for some kind of higher status, trying to be "impressive" to others, and they forget the important things like being "perfectly fine" with who you are and just wanting to be happy and content.
You are a unique individual. And your life experience isn't "less than" anyone else's. It is unique. And your perspective is something valuable to contribute to the rest of us.
Now hopefully, other folks can help you with your question of how to put yourself out there, etc. because that's not my strong point, either.
Good luck with everything.
You sound like a pretty interesting person to me, whose life took a different road than most.
Your story touched me.
Just wanted you to know that.
Hope all goes well for you.
peace.
Yeah, there are people out there for whatever reason are in a bad spot at the same age. Take for example a person who’s 40 something, went through an ugly divorce, lost their house, half their money and lost their kids. Pretty common, but hurts really bad. Something like that. Not to mention health problems people often face on top of it all…mentally and physically. Just the other day I was in the barber shop and a guy about 40 came in that battled colon cancer and now wears a colostomy bag. OP has been dealt a certain hand but he has a chance to turn it around and live another 40-50 years in relative peace.
Well, in terms of "putting yourself out there", I wouldn't recommend online dating at all. It can be brutal. I would recommend joining a couple of activity groups, where the social aspect is low-key. These can be hobby groups of various sorts, activity clubs like hiking, biking, boating, whatever you might enjoy, maybe taking a photography class via the local community college (they have non-credit classes of a wide variety, in addition to academic-track classes), and so on.
You can pick something that allows people to focus on a project or activity, and gradually ease into socializing and getting to know the people you're sharing the activity with. Experts say, this type of venue is perfect for shy people. You can interact with others to whatever extent you feel comfortable with, as you go along. You can be the quiet guy focusing on the activity, or you can gradually open up as you get comfortable with the group or with a couple of individuals in the group.
In your city check out: MeetUps (there's a whole online "catalog" of listings), community college non-credit offerings (it's a whole separate category for community members), Parks Department activities (you'd be surprised at how much they offer, and it's free), sports-oriented clubs (as earlier: biking, hiking, rowing, sailing, etc.), see your local recreational equipment store to see if they have travel seminars to attend, or a local travel bookstore that may host PowerPoint travel seminars, etc. etc. Museums might be able to use a volunteer behind the scenes, that wouldn't involve public exposure. Brainstorm other potential options.
That's a good way to get your feet wet. These are no-pressure situations that involve having fun doing things you enjoy or learning new skills. You can choose a couple of small groups for starters.
And btw, congratulations on the New You! And on working towards coming out of your shell. That's huge!
Ruth,
I appreciate your very detailed and helpful post. It means a lot when “strangers” on a message board care enough about the plight of a fellow forum member to respond with such detailed and helpful thoughts and recommendations. I’ve actually been on CD for years and have read many of your posts; you always seem to be one of the more helpful, knowledgeable, and even-handed posters here. You are an asset!
Regarding your recommendations to me: I do plan on involving myself in various social or extracurricular activities. I have used Meetup a few times in the past (while staying in different cities) and will likely use it again. Meetup is a viable way to meet new people and to get involved with new activities.
I’ve also thought about joining local clubs and/or signing up for various continuing education classes; as you stated, many community colleges and local school districts offer a wide variety of options. I’ve yet to explore that possibility, but I know that it’s a viable option. I’ve also been yearning to return to school to finish a degree that I started but never finished. It’s always bothered me that I never finished college; I always had the smarts and the ability to excel academically, but I was too depressed and anxious back then to function, so I simply gave up (but I nevertheless managed to amass over 80 college units — 60 at community college and 20+ at California State University Long Beach).
I’m very eager to finish my degree, though, even if the degree does not help me monetarily or lead to a career; it’s more about my being able to say, “I did it!” than anything else. Plus, I love learning. And had I simply felt better as a person back then, who knows where I’d be today? I often fantasize about my life being magical today if and only if I didn’t struggle so much early on. But that’s pure fantasy, and I know that life almost never turns out ideal, no matter how much planning and work a person puts into crafting his/ her ideal life. A “perfect life” does not exist — only in fantasy!
Looking back, though, it’s very painful to assess how non-functional I was overall, even though I did manage to function well enough, I guess, so as to not go completely off the rails. But I was basically running on fumes for the most part, so I was never at my best (or operating at peak capacity). I’m hoping to change that now!
Well, if you want to go back to college to complete a degree, go for it! Having that piece of paper can make a difference in terms of employment. Plus, it's not uncommon these days for there to be "non-traditional" (i.e. older) students in college. You may meet a kindred spirit in the course of your studies, or through a degree-related internship, or whatever. (Don't forget about internships! They enhance your employability.)
It sounds like you want to move forward on at least a couple of fronts at once. Or you may want to prioritize, and focus on finishing your degree first, or as your main focus. Working your way through school will keep you plenty busy. As you probably know, college financial aid offices can help you. Returning students after a long hiatus are eligible for Pell Grants, just like traditional students. And Catholic universities offer full-ride non-loan financial aid packages. Just mentioning resources off the top of my head.
A lot of people without a tiny bit of confidence to try would let it fester a lifetime.
Except it already has festered for ‘decades’, per the thread, in a way that does not allow for a normal life. It’s time to act - not to post/talk re: a little confidence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoAmericaGo
He could easily take a more negative view without any hope…THAT would be a much bigger problem.
Do you believe a negative view is a bigger problem than decades of misery/rejection/depression sans career and dating while living with his/her parents? A ‘negative view’ would actually be appropriate at this point (and align with reality) - in order to take action.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoAmericaGo
I don’t think he’s denying that this major problem is in fact a problem.
Those who are obese or drink too much alcohol don’t deny they have a problem, either; but acknowledgement or a ‘positive view’, in and of itself, will not solve a lifetime of dysfunction as the OP demonstrates by way of their post. It obviously requires a plan of action.
That said, I do think it meaningful the OP has drawn attention to themselves/the problem. I agree by doing so, she/he does not deny it.
Fast forward to today, and I feel extra motivated to fix things and to make up for lost time. I’ve actually made quite a few improvements over the last 2-3 years, actually, and feel an uncanny level of self-confidence now at this relatively later age — perhaps I just aged out of some of my earlier insecurities and fears and now have a better sense of self, or something along those lines. I just feel better and more capable nowadays, for some reason.
However, I’m way, way, way behind most folks my age — and that bothers me. I actually feel as if I am 22 or 24 instead of 47, partly because I’m so inexperienced in certain areas, and partly because I simply put my life on hold at those younger ages, which makes me feel as if I am picking up where I left off (if that makes any sense?).
.
Be extra mindful that there is a difference between "friend" vs someone who just shares common interests with you. There are an awful lot of people out there seeking to take advantage of emotionally needy, middle aged people. It's almost an industry in itself.
Myself, I at one time suffered delusions that women simply didn't like me. Eventually I figured out that men didn't like me either, that just never bothered me enough to really tune in on that aspect. I guess it's true where they say "with age comes wisdom"?
Don't get me wrong, I always had plenty of company around the water cooler at work, and was usually invited over to the parties my co-workers would throw, even got married (twice, in fact). But through all of it, I could always find myself surrounded by faces, yet still feel alone.
Only during the past few years, have I concluded this is a virtue, and not a flaw.
Anyway, shop wisely over who you allow into your world, start slow....and be mindful that many people are only nice when they want something from you.
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