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I’m a 47-year-old single male who would love some input and/or advice from any kind forum members here about my situation.
I will make this as concise as I can.
Basically, I developed a social anxiety problem in my late teenage years and, unfortunately, soon became severely depressed because of it. As a result, my social functioning became severely compromised over the subsequent decades: I had no girlfriends, I tried but couldn’t finish college, and I managed to only work one real, honest-to-goodness M-F, 40 hr./week job.
I did have friends, fortunately, and I was not a complete shut-in or hermit; I socialized well with close friends and in smaller, non-threatening situations, but I never ventured outside my comfort zone, which meant that my day-to-day life was very restricted — I was living in a very small bubble, unfortunately. I worked a few different part-time jobs and had a very enabling family, so I was able to just “get by” — but I wasn’t really living.
I did try therapy numerous times over the ensuing years, and I was on antidepressants at various points as well, but unfortunately, I never seemed to respond well to either treatments.
As the years went by, I fell further and further behind my peers, and I started to distance myself from my close friends, manly because I felt so embarrassed and ashamed about my life and how I was living it. My friends all started to get married, have children, buy homes, etc., and I, by contrast, was still living at home and trying to live life in my tiny, restricted, self-imposed bubble. It was rough. It was a very painful experience.
Fast forward to today, and I feel extra motivated to fix things and to make up for lost time. I’ve actually made quite a few improvements over the last 2-3 years, actually, and feel an uncanny level of self-confidence now at this relatively later age — perhaps I just aged out of some of my earlier insecurities and fears and now have a better sense of self, or something along those lines. I just feel better and more capable nowadays, for some reason.
However, I’m way, way, way behind most folks my age — and that bothers me. I actually feel as if I am 22 or 24 instead of 47, partly because I’m so inexperienced in certain areas, and partly because I simply put my life on hold at those younger ages, which makes me feel as if I am picking up where I left off (if that makes any sense?).
Nevertheless, I’m not sure how best to merge onto life’s highway now at age 47 after having lived most of my adult life sitting on the shoulder of the roadway, so to speak. I simply feel so out of place and so awkward, because I know absolutely that most folks are simply further along in life than I — they’ve achieved more, they’ve experienced more, they’ve amassed more (wealth) than I — and because of this I hesitate to open up and put myself out into the world, out in the spotlight.
But I really do want very badly to start actually living life and to make up for all of my lost time, missed opportunities, and squandered youth. I’m very sad about how I spent my 20s/30s and into my 40s, but I nevertheless want to salvage what I can and hopefully make up for as much of my past as possible.
The hesitancy to put myself out there, though, is palpable and very concerning.
If anyone cares to offer any insight or tips about my situation, I would greatly appreciate it.
I do realize that I’m not likely to ever become a high achiever or to ever become some impressive, high-status male, and that’s perfectly fine. I just want to be happy and content.
Hey Anthony, hope you're doing well
I actually found your post quite refreshing for a change. Often people are not looking at their present situation as positively as you seem to be.
It's understandable that you are sometimes sad that you may have "wasted" some years of your life, but look at it another way and realize that you had difficulties to overcome that other people didn't. It's also nice to know that you had a supporting environment (although you said at some point that it was enabling) - it's hard for people to imagine how they can help or motivate someone who is depressed so I hope you don't hold it against them if they couldn't be much help.
That being said, I find it kind of funny usually when people say that they are anxious about socializing and expressing themselves and go on to write a long and detailed post about how they feel and what they want in life. Read your post again if you want, and maybe try to see that you managed to express yourself just fine. You may not have amassed wealth, but you have every weapon you need to reach that happiness. Acknowledge that the past is the past and start taking steps to do the things you like. If it's finding a new hobby, a partner, a job - any and all of these things are possible. It will not be easy, but hey - half the fun is trying to get where you want to be. If you feel demotivated you can always talk to your friends, or try even therapy again now that you've gained some more confidence.
Most of all remember that you are the one living your own life. If you don't take the steps to be happy noone will take them for you. Other people will be there to support you and even if they sometimes aren't, you can do it. I think the worst is behind you.
As far as feeling left behind goes(cause you said others have moved more forward than you), it is pretty useless to compare yourself to other people, because other people simply had different lives. Try not to think about it too much - self reflection is good, but it will only take you so far. The important thing is to enjoy life and take a step out of your comfort zone in order to experience new things.
I wish you luck and health! And don't be too hard on yourself, ok? (This coming from a person who "studied" 11 years math just to quit and start living his life happily )
“Fast forward to today, and I feel extra motivated to fix things and to make up for lost time. I’ve actually made quite a few improvements over the last 2-3 years, actually, and feel an uncanny level of self-confidence now at this relatively later age — perhaps I just aged out of some of my earlier insecurities and fears and now have a better sense of self, or something along those lines. I just feel better and more capable nowadays, for some reason.”
That’s a start. He’s thinking more positively and needs to build upon it.
Agree....therapy isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be and sometimes analyzing things too much isn’t as helpful as just just taking (baby) steps trying new things. He sounds ready to do this.
I actually found your post quite refreshing for a change. Often people are not looking at their present situation as positively as you seem to be.
It's understandable that you are sometimes sad that you may have "wasted" some years of your life, but look at it another way and realize that you had difficulties to overcome that other people didn't. It's also nice to know that you had a supporting environment (although you said at some point that it was enabling) - it's hard for people to imagine how they can help or motivate someone who is depressed so I hope you don't hold it against them if they couldn't be much help.
That being said, I find it kind of funny usually when people say that they are anxious about socializing and expressing themselves and go on to write a long and detailed post about how they feel and what they want in life. Read your post again if you want, and maybe try to see that you managed to express yourself just fine. You may not have amassed wealth, but you have every weapon you need to reach that happiness. Acknowledge that the past is the past and start taking steps to do the things you like. If it's finding a new hobby, a partner, a job - any and all of these things are possible. It will not be easy, but hey - half the fun is trying to get where you want to be. If you feel demotivated you can always talk to your friends, or try even therapy again now that you've gained some more confidence.
Most of all remember that you are the one living your own life. If you don't take the steps to be happy noone will take them for you. Other people will be there to support you and even if they sometimes aren't, you can do it. I think the worst is behind you.
As far as feeling left behind goes(cause you said others have moved more forward than you), it is pretty useless to compare yourself to other people, because other people simply had different lives. Try not to think about it too much - self reflection is good, but it will only take you so far. The important thing is to enjoy life and take a step out of your comfort zone in order to experience new things.
I wish you luck and health! And don't be too hard on yourself, ok? (This coming from a person who "studied" 11 years math just to quit and start living his life happily )
Gohangr,
Thank you so much for your very thoughtful, kind, and helpful response. I do appreciate it greatly! You and the other respondents to my initial post have helped me a great deal. Receiving different viewpoints and evaluations regarding my “life situation” has been eye opening and thought provoking; reading these posts has indeed helped me to see myself in a different light — a less judgmental and more forgiving light, to be more precise.
Obviously, though, I have much work to do, so I’m in no way stating that I am now perfectly fine and that only trivial issues and concerns remain for me to address. No, I absolutely understand and appreciate the work and action that I need to implement in order to drastically shift my orientation, my life direction, if you will. But I am very motivated to do exactly that. I’ve been miserable for too long now; It’s way over due for me to actively and forcefully steer myself onto life’s highway while reminding myself that whatever lies in the rear view mirror does not have to impede, disenfranchise, or disable me in any way — even though I’ve spent years now looking into that very mirror and allowing its contents to undermine me and how I feel and function as a human being.
Again, though, your response to me, along with everyone else’s, has helped me to see and understand that all is not lost or hopeless and that this can indeed be the start of a new lease on life, a rebirth of sorts. And that’s my focus now: looking ahead with optimism and confidence and no longer focusing on the past, because it’s all over, it’s in the history books now — and that book has been closed for a long time now.
I also understand that I can absolutely change my thinking and belief systems so as to better arm and/or equip myself to proactively and confidently live life in ways that, heretofore, seemed almost incomprehensible. Those years that I spent mired in depression and riddled with anxiety were unfortunate, painful, and very demoralizing, but those years say nothing about today, tomorrow, and the next day. I was very confused and insecure back then; therefore, I was not operating at peak capacity or anything close to peak capacity. But I can do that now.
I’m a 47-year-old single male who would love some input and/or advice from any kind forum members here about my situation.
I will make this as concise as I can.
Basically, I developed a social anxiety problem in my late teenage years and, unfortunately, soon became severely depressed because of it. As a result, my social functioning became severely compromised over the subsequent decades: I had no girlfriends, I tried but couldn’t finish college, and I managed to only work one real, honest-to-goodness M-F, 40 hr./week job.
.
Here is a little fun video, not saying it is completely analogous to you but if you listen to the opening words, you may see a similarity. The show itself was great but may be a bit before your time. A woman starting over a little later in life and thriving, which you could also do now that you are putting your mind to it.
...I just feel better and more capable nowadays, for some reason.
However, I’m way, way, way behind most folks my age — and that bothers me. I actually feel as if I am 22 or 24 instead of 47, ...I simply feel so out of place and so awkward, because I know absolutely that most folks are simply further along in life...
I do realize that I’m not likely to ever become a high achiever or to ever become some impressive, high-status male, and that’s perfectly fine. I just want to be happy and content.
First, congratulations on coming this far. I am certain that your path was not easy, and you are now on a path ready to tackle what's ahead. Good.
Now, forget about the age thing. More importantly, forget about the achievements thing. Only shallow people care about those things, and they don't make good friends or lovers.
My advice is this:
1. Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish in the next three months that include your work life, your personal life, and the just because part of your life. Make sure they are things that you can do in that period of time. Then make another list of the things you want to do in the next five years.
2. For this week, look at both lists and plot in a calendar when you actually can do the top three things on the short term list, and start investigating what it will take you to do the most important thing for you on the long term. Then plan in your calendar for the coming month what steps the investigation will take. Example, say you want to take a trip to another continent, so you will want to investigate logistics of getting there, finding places to stay, etc.
3. Start working the plan, and while you do so, look into the eyes of people you talk to about it. Man, woman, kid, decrepit librarian -- whomever -- doesn't matter. Get out, look at people, listen to them, SEE them. Come to each as a small child without pretense, airs, or posturing. Be real. If they are helpful and engaging, ask them if they mind if you keep in touch, in case a question comes up, or you run into something they might help you with, later. Take down their contact info, and when they are likely available (work hours, etc). Give them a business (or personal) card with your contact info, and ask them to get in touch if they think of something else.
If you keep going with these three steps, you will A.) lose your social awkwardness, B.) make progress on accomplishing things that matter to you, and C.) form relationships that could become long-term and rewarding to you both.
Remember, life isn't made of single, IMPORTANT relationships, but of many good relations with many people that superficial people thing of as insignificant. Indeed, it is from those insignificant relations that most of us encounter people who eventually become the most significant.
First, congratulations on coming this far. I am certain that your path was not easy, and you are now on a path ready to tackle what's ahead. Good.
Now, forget about the age thing. More importantly, forget about the achievements thing. Only shallow people care about those things, and they don't make good friends or lovers.
My advice is this:
1. Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish in the next three months that include your work life, your personal life, and the just because part of your life. Make sure they are things that you can do in that period of time. Then make another list of the things you want to do in the next five years.
2. For this week, look at both lists and plot in a calendar when you actually can do the top three things on the short term list, and start investigating what it will take you to do the most important thing for you on the long term. Then plan in your calendar for the coming month what steps the investigation will take. Example, say you want to take a trip to another continent, so you will want to investigate logistics of getting there, finding places to stay, etc.
3. Start working the plan, and while you do so, look into the eyes of people you talk to about it. Man, woman, kid, decrepit librarian -- whomever -- doesn't matter. Get out, look at people, listen to them, SEE them. Come to each as a small child without pretense, airs, or posturing. Be real. If they are helpful and engaging, ask them if they mind if you keep in touch, in case a question comes up, or you run into something they might help you with, later. Take down their contact info, and when they are likely available (work hours, etc). Give them a business (or personal) card with your contact info, and ask them to get in touch if they think of something else.
If you keep going with these three steps, you will A.) lose your social awkwardness, B.) make progress on accomplishing things that matter to you, and C.) form relationships that could become long-term and rewarding to you both.
Remember, life isn't made of single, IMPORTANT relationships, but of many good relations with many people that superficial people thing of as insignificant. Indeed, it is from those insignificant relations that most of us encounter people who eventually become the most significant.
LookinforMayberry:
Thank you for your detailed and very helpful response. I’ve been waiting to reply to it for when I had sufficient time to respond to it adequately.
You offered some very logical and helpful steps for me to follow, and I need to seriously start implementing those as well as some others that have been mentioned. I greatly appreciate your taking the time to enumerate such helpful advice. I’m definitely tired of living the life that I have been living for most of these past years, so I’m very motivated and eager to get going in a more positive direction. Unfortunately, I still often get mired in negative thinking which in turn makes it hard for me to extricate myself from the same old habits and thinking patterns that contributed so greatly to my misery. Old habits, as they say, are very hard to break, especially when those habits have protected and shielded me from so many of the very things that worried or scared me — namely, putting myself out into the world and actually allowing others to see and get to know me.
I shielded myself to such a degree that I allowed myself to get comfortable and complacent sitting on the sidelines of life, and while it was relatively safe and tranquil doing that, it was also very harmful and caustic to my overall sense of self: I soon developed a very unfavorable and disabling self-concept, one which basically mandated that I continue to hide from life lest people see me in all of my broken, defective, pathetic splendor. I honestly became very afraid to put myself on display or to actively engage with others socially because I felt so deficient and lacking.
It actually hurts to type this because the feelings are still very raw and visceral. I was actively damaging myself by consigning myself to the fringes of life, and I’m very aware of how much damage I did to myself all those years, especially looking at things now from my 48-year-old vantage point. It actually angers me that I lived like that. Wow! I honestly can’t fathom how I could have functioned as I did for so long without suffering some type of mental collapse or nervous breakdown.
But I’m here now, of course, and I have the ability and the goods and the desire to fix things, so to speak, by going in a different direction, by actively steering myself and navigating life instead of just operating as if I were a broken down heap or a rudderless ship with no say or agency in where I went or how I navigated life. Ultimately, though, I know that I was OK back then, and I’m OK now. Back then, I was simply too confused and fearful to see and/or appreciate everything that I had to offer as a person. I can make up for that now, though!
Thank you again for your post. I do appreciate it!
Here is a little fun video, not saying it is completely analogous to you but if you listen to the opening words, you may see a similarity. The show itself was great but may be a bit before your time. A woman starting over a little later in life and thriving, which you could also do now that you are putting your mind to it.
Yes, I used to watch the reruns of “Alice” frequently as a child. I loved that show. My favorite character was Mel, played by Vic Tayback. It was a fun show, as were so many other 1970’s sitcoms. I was born in 1974, so I didn’t catch most of those shows during their initial runs. I’m not sure at what age I actively started watching sitcoms or television in general, but it had to have been around 1979/1980. I do know that I used to eagerly await Friday nights because that was when my two favorite childhood shows would air: The Incredible Hulk followed by The Dukes of Hazard! Ha!
But back to ALICE:
You are right: the character of Alice and her starting over story is somewhat analogous to my story (hopefully). I’m hoping that I can really shake things up and get started with living life NOW! I really do want to do that, but as I have mentioned before, it’s difficult to overcome all of the past programming and baggage that still impacts me greatly to this day.
I haven't read this entire thread (I can't with these long posts), but could you possibly be on the autism spectrum?
I’ve thought about that and inquired about that specifically with a few therapists over the years, but was told each time that I didn’t fit the profile and/or appear to be on the spectrum. However, I do suspect that I do have some autistic-like leanings or proclivities, regardless of my not actually being on the spectrum. For one, I’m VERY introspective and introverted. I’ve always been inwardly focused and hyper aware of not only myself and my thoughts but also of my surroundings and of other people, often to the point of my becoming uncomfortable and/or anxious due to sensory overload.
And two, I’m hyper aware of how seemingly phony and pretentious is everyday social interaction, at least in my assessment. I often find myself thinking that we are all pretty much acting and sort of bull****ting each other in daily life. The faces that we show to others, our personas — it all seems so very contrived and phony to me. However, I do realize that we all have to behave appropriately and act accordingly in different situations and with different people, so this acting that we do is not only useful but it’s pretty much a necessity in order to maintain and foster smooth and amicable social interactions.
Are we always honest and forthright? Of course not. Folks who are too honest often times get labeled as being uncouth, rude, or inappropriate; therefore, we pretty much have to play the game at least enough to avoid unnecessary offending anyone. We can’t always speak our minds or express our true feelings about someone or about certain things, at least not without first considering any potential ramifications for doing so.
But my being overly aware of and bothered by this “social acting” that we all do is, at least to me, a possible sign that I may, in fact, be somewhat of an neurotypical outlier.
Well, you seem to exhibit "hypergraphia," for one thing!
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