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I'm curious about this. I don't personally see a therapist, but I know people who do. One friend in particular who I had a disagreement about this a few days ago. She's been through trauma with her ex-husband and sees a therapist once a week. She's a very insecure person who is constantly stressed and worried about what everyone else is thinking.
The other day, she told me that she's starting to feel uncomfortable because I don't share enough about my life with her and that she never knows what I'm thinking. Well, she definitely overshares about every aspect of her life. I'm much more of a private person. I told her that I'm a pretty content person and am in a good place in my life right now. I honestly don't have that much to vent about. But she kept pushing and pushing.
The following day, I sent her a text message telling her that she crossed boundaries with me and made me feel uncomfortable. I told her that I'm a private person and don't have to share every aspect of my life with her. I felt like she implied that I had ulterior motives because I don't share enough about myself. She said that I took it completely the wrong way and asked if she could call me. I said that I was busy at the moment and that we could meet later in person to discuss it.
She agreed to meet, but still wouldn't stop texting. She just kept trying to explain herself. Well, I was busy with something else and didn't respond for like 30 minutes. She said that she didn't feel comfortable with my silent treatment and that maybe we weren't compatible being friends. I told her that she was being irrational and that we will discuss this later. She was very offended that I called her irrational and just kept texting nonsense. I had to block her.
I've known her for three years and generally enjoyed our friendship. She had some quirks and sometimes said annoying things, but we had fun together. Over the last year or so, she's gotten worse. She seems more irritable and unhappy.
Do you think that seeing a therapist too often can warp your mind more? Do they make you analyze people too much and create problems that aren't there?
Read up on the difference between correlation and causation.
You could have substituted alcohol, coffee, too tight shoes, for the word therapist.
I'm unsure how you are blaming (or if you are blaming) a therapist for the actions of a client?
The client therapist relationship is confidential and contained. Clients who break those barriers generally get dismissed by the therapist.
If a client is trying out revised behaviors, that is on the client. A therapist is not a puppet master.
If your friend is irritable and unhappy, and using you as a crutch, you might want to reconsider the relationship. If you have a problem with setting boundaries, I fail to see how that is the fault of your friend's therapist.
Read up on the difference between correlation and causation.
You could have substituted alcohol, coffee, too tight shoes, for the word therapist.
I'm unsure how you are blaming (or if you are blaming) a therapist for the actions of a client?
The client therapist relationship is confidential and contained. Clients who break those barriers generally get dismissed by the therapist.
If a client is trying out revised behaviors, that is on the client. A therapist is not a puppet master.
If your friend is irritable and unhappy, and using you as a crutch, you might want to reconsider the relationship. If you have a problem with setting boundaries, I fail to see how that is the fault of your friend's therapist.
Well, she tells me about her therapist sessions sometimes. I think that she may have mentioned me to her therapist and the therapist caused her to analyze me. I know that I should have probably set boundaries with her earlier in the friendship, but I don't think her therapist is helping her very much. She seems to be getting worse.
She might need the help she is getting, and is maybe getting the help she needs. Perhaps there is a period of breaking out a lot of previously contained thinking that she's got to get THROUGH before she gets BETTER. Therapy is, after all, a process. Improvement may not be instantaneous.
Hopefully she will take this interaction and discuss it with her therapist, and with any luck, her therapist will explain to her that the nature of therapy is special because it is a consensual undertaking. The client makes the choice, to go to a therapist and discuss things with them. A layman cannot, and should not, just go forcing amateur attempts at therapy on those who have not asked for it, and don't want it. If you wanted or needed therapy, you could go find a therapist of your own.
I have met people who don't believe that therapy has any practical usefulness at all, and I've met people who believe that EVERYONE should be going to therapy. I think that something in the middle is true, but most of all that the only way that therapy becomes productive or useful is with the full engagement of a willing client/patient. The therapist cannot actually fix or change anything for, or about that person. They can only attempt to facilitate the process of the person working to make positive change for themselves.
And I have met some very troubled individuals who find it more comfortable somehow to ground themselves in concern for others, than to reflect on what is needed to solve their own problems. I've met a few people who have very serious mental illness, who actually pursue careers in psychology, and who along the way feel a need to "armchair diagnose" everyone they meet. I don't know if that's some kind of deflection, projection, or what. And then there are some who are often found to be expressing negative mindsets or having angry meltdowns, who believe that everyone is secretly a lot like they are...but only repress or "bottle up" those feelings. A few would go so far as to claim that even violent behavior is more "healthy" than "bottling up your anger"...and could never believe that other people do not in fact go through life feeling like punching holes in walls. Some claim that happy people can't possibly be happy, they are just being fake.
But I don't think I'd have a lot of patience for it. I think that if a friend asks me how I am doing, they need to listen, believe what I tell them, and NOT try to insist that I must in fact be thinking or feeling something that I am not. That's way to close to gaslighting and it's not something that I'd care to deal with in a friendship.
I hope that your friend is in fact getting helpful help, and that she finds something better on the other side of whatever hill she's trying to climb here. But it's not a path that you are required to walk by her side.
She might need the help she is getting, and is maybe getting the help she needs. Perhaps there is a period of breaking out a lot of previously contained thinking that she's got to get THROUGH before she gets BETTER. Therapy is, after all, a process. Improvement may not be instantaneous.
Hopefully she will take this interaction and discuss it with her therapist, and with any luck, her therapist will explain to her that the nature of therapy is special because it is a consensual undertaking. The client makes the choice, to go to a therapist and discuss things with them. A layman cannot, and should not, just go forcing amateur attempts at therapy on those who have not asked for it, and don't want it. If you wanted or needed therapy, you could go find a therapist of your own.
I have met people who don't believe that therapy has any practical usefulness at all, and I've met people who believe that EVERYONE should be going to therapy. I think that something in the middle is true, but most of all that the only way that therapy becomes productive or useful is with the full engagement of a willing client/patient. The therapist cannot actually fix or change anything for, or about that person. They can only attempt to facilitate the process of the person working to make positive change for themselves.
And I have met some very troubled individuals who find it more comfortable somehow to ground themselves in concern for others, than to reflect on what is needed to solve their own problems. I've met a few people who have very serious mental illness, who actually pursue careers in psychology, and who along the way feel a need to "armchair diagnose" everyone they meet. I don't know if that's some kind of deflection, projection, or what. And then there are some who are often found to be expressing negative mindsets or having angry meltdowns, who believe that everyone is secretly a lot like they are...but only repress or "bottle up" those feelings. A few would go so far as to claim that even violent behavior is more "healthy" than "bottling up your anger"...and could never believe that other people do not in fact go through life feeling like punching holes in walls. Some claim that happy people can't possibly be happy, they are just being fake.
But I don't think I'd have a lot of patience for it. I think that if a friend asks me how I am doing, they need to listen, believe what I tell them, and NOT try to insist that I must in fact be thinking or feeling something that I am not. That's way to close to gaslighting and it's not something that I'd care to deal with in a friendship.
I hope that your friend is in fact getting helpful help, and that she finds something better on the other side of whatever hill she's trying to climb here. But it's not a path that you are required to walk by her side.
Yeah, I agree that there has to be some middle ground with therapy. It's not healthy to completely bottle up your emotions like people did in the past, but I don't think you can rely too much on therapy. You need to get your life together yourself, too. That may include getting your finances in order, surrounding yourself with positive people, exercising and getting enough rest.
Even though I'm a pretty private person, I am more likely to open up about more as long as I'm not pushed to do it. If someone keeps pushing me for more information about myself, it makes me trust them less. I feel like they will use that information against me at some point. I feel like that's what she was doing. She's not a very happy person and lives a chaotic life and may assume that everyone else does too.
I maybe shouldn't have sent her a text and had the conversation in person. I agreed to talk about it further in person, but after she kept bombarding me with texts and freaked out, I just can't right now. Maybe after some time passes... I'll admit that I don't like confrontation.
Well, she tells me about her therapist sessions sometimes. I think that she may have mentioned me to her therapist and the therapist caused her to analyze me. I know that I should have probably set boundaries with her earlier in the friendship, but I don't think her therapist is helping her very much. She seems to be getting worse.
The breaching of the container is not helpful. For lack of an immediate better analogy, it becomes like the therapist trying to blow a tire back up while it is leaking air from multiple holes. It turns the therapy into common everyday life. It de-potentiates the inner process. There are reasons why some therapy is only successful with certain clients in closed clinical settings.
I'm going to bow out of the thread. I don't care for the dynamics and where it seems to be heading. Evaluating a therapy third person and then fourth and more person in public discussion is invasive and judgmental without facts to support any judgment. Not only that, IMO it is incredibly rude and invasive to those directly involved.
You've been friends with her for a long time. If you aren't able to share openly with her and since she shares a lot with you, you two might not be compatible friends. Since you don't reciprocate the same kind of personal openness, she might feel like you don't care about her (enough) or that she burdens you. She keeps talking because it's a relief, and maybe you are possibly able to give her good advice.
Also, one should recognize that some people only want a person to listen and others want advice. You need to find out what she prefers and what you're open to doing.
I doubt she's getting worse. The happiness was probably real, but either things have changed very negatively for her now and/or she realized a lot of the superficiality between her happy moments. I think she wants to be around people who make her feel she belongs with them because she tries to be that way to others. Maybe you do better with general acquaintances and networking.
You've been friends with her for a long time. If you aren't able to share openly with her and since she shares a lot with you, you two might not be compatible friends. Since you don't reciprocate the same kind of personal openness, she might feel like you don't care about her (enough) or that she burdens you. She keeps talking because it's a relief, and maybe you are possibly able to give her good advice.
Also, one should recognize that some people only want a person to listen and others want advice. You need to find out what she prefers and what you're open to doing.
I doubt she's getting worse. The happiness was probably real, but either things have changed very negatively for her now and/or she realized a lot of the superficiality between her happy moments. I think she wants to be around people who make her feel she belongs with them because she tries to be that way to others. Maybe you do better with general acquaintances and networking.
Yeah, maybe that's true. It seems like she's always talking about her problems and is very needy...It's becoming exhausting. I've listened to her a lot and I thought I was a pretty decent friend.. I went over to her place and fed her cat while she was on vacation, I went to all her birthday get-togethers and gave her thoughtful gifts, etc. I don't know if she expects too much from me.
There are personality types who tend to overanalyze things. That tendency probably exists long before they seek psychological help.
I've seen a lot of people who, upon learning about therapeutic techniques and psychological principles, go through a stage where everyone is messing about in each other's stuff. Seems to go with the territory for a lot of people.
But the secret to successful use of therapy is to apply it to yourself with help from a constructive and sensitive observer - hopefully the therapist.
What other people are doing or not doing is less the issue than what my response to it is.
The other day, she told me that she's starting to feel uncomfortable because I don't share enough about my life with her and that she never knows what I'm thinking. Well, she definitely overshares about every aspect of her life. I'm much more of a private person. I told her that I'm a pretty content person and am in a good place in my life right now. I honestly don't have that much to vent about. But she kept pushing and pushing.
The following day, I sent her a text message telling her that she crossed boundaries with me and made me feel uncomfortable. I told her that I'm a private person and don't have to share every aspect of my life with her. I felt like she implied that I had ulterior motives because I don't share enough about myself. She said that I took it completely the wrong way and asked if she could call me. I said that I was busy at the moment and that we could meet later in person to discuss it.
She agreed to meet, but still wouldn't stop texting. She just kept trying to explain herself. Well, I was busy with something else and didn't respond for like 30 minutes. She said that she didn't feel comfortable with my silent treatment and that maybe we weren't compatible being friends. I told her that she was being irrational and that we will discuss this later. She was very offended that I called her irrational and just kept texting nonsense. I had to block her.
IMHO, this didn't have much if anything to do with her therapist or therapy. IME, trying to have such a potentially delicate discussion via text, let alone email is risky. As people keep discovering over and over again, electronic communication is devoid of tone, emotion and many times context. Sitting down face to face with the person usually works a lot better. Body language etc. Both sides can see how their comments land and that can temper what they do next.
I would have broached this whole topic in person. If I happened to get a string of texts I didn't want or couldn't deal with at the moment I would have responded ONCE right at the beginning that I was unavailable, to please be patient, and that I will respond when free. Period. And stick to it. Resist the urge to pick out any of them or reply until I was in fact ready and willing to have a real-time conversation. As soon as you broke down and responded to that later text, you just made yourself appear to be dishonest or manipulative. Insulting, and someone who's already anxious or emotional is going to assume the worst...that you're deliberately avoiding them to make a point.
Calling her irrational was insensitive and insulting even if technically true. I would be very offended if someone did that to me, especially electronically.
I'm no texting afficionado but isn't there a way to send an automatic response to a text stating "can't respond now. I'll get back to you after such and such a time."? For one thing, that will teach the texter that continuing to send a barrage of texts isn't going to get any better results than being patient. A bit of time to reflect is probably a good thing in such situations. Words, whether spoken or typed can't be completely retracted.
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