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Our parents are only as good as their parents taught them how to be. Life’s a crapshoot, for sure.
I had the perfect storybook life, grandparents and parents, until things changed. I was the oldest, and I was a brat. My mother died when I was 12, with 2 younger siblings. My father’s father died when he was 10. I heard once that our maturity level freezes at the time we lose our same sex parent. I learned this is true.
My siblings and I suffered because my father didn’t have the tools to give us what we needed. I believe I wasn’t the best mother, because I didn’t have the skills either. Thankfully, my children are ok, but it took me a long time to be alright, and my younger siblings struggled.
Some people succeed in spite of their upbringing.
My paternal grandfather was a severe alcoholic until he was 75 - he's 88 now. Violent felon and domestic abuser. We think he was still abusing my grandmother as recently as last year, when she was finally taken into a memory care facility. My grandmother never drank, but she gave as good as she got from him for many years.
None of their kids have had the legal or domestic issues that their parents had. They wanted to do better.
Mom was pretty awful, and left me with a lot of emotional scars.
But I didn't realize that wasn't normal until I was well into adulthood. Then I went through a grieving process. It still affects how I relate to others and how I see myself; it's become part of the fabric of my personality.
But I don't "blame mom" every time there's an issue; I try to work through it. Otherwise, she wins.
Mom was pretty awful, and left me with a lot of emotional scars.
But I didn't realize that wasn't normal until I was well into adulthood. Then I went through a grieving process. It still affects how I relate to others and how I see myself; it's become part of the fabric of my personality.
But I don't "blame mom" every time there's an issue; I try to work through it. Otherwise, she wins.
I'm breaking my rule and talking about my ex now. I'm forever in debt to to a young man my daughter dated because he told her that her mother's behavior wasn't normal. She's a text book narcissist, and not the colloquial kind and I couldn't be the messenger on that, not to my kids. I think hearing it from the young man helped my daughter learn to set boundaries, or more precisely it made clear the necessity.
My ex will die believing the world owes her for the mistakes everyone keeps making. On purpose.
I'm breaking my rule and talking about my ex now. I'm forever in debt to to a young man my daughter dated because he told her that her mother's behavior wasn't normal. She's a text book narcissist, and not the colloquial kind and I couldn't be the messenger on that, not to my kids. I think hearing it from the young man helped my daughter learn to set boundaries, or more precisely it made clear the necessity.
My ex will die believing the world owes her for the mistakes everyone keeps making. On purpose.
Christmas was awful in DH's household. So as a result DH never liked Christmas, and still can't help feeling a bit out of it after many, many decades of being married to someone who had delightful Christmases all my life. He just can't get into the feeling, and never will be able to.
I totally get this. I still consider all holidays and birthdays as just another day and I am in my 50s.
This is not true. I am much more mature now (nearing 50) than I was at seventeen, when my mother died.
I am also mature and well adjusted now in my 70s, but looking back I can see how it took me into my 40s, after observing a lot of good influences, until I leveled out.
Let me just say I’m not talking about physical or sexual abuse here obviously those are things that can cause trauma throughout a persons life that without therapy are hard to overcome.
I’m talking about just kinda crummy parents with flaws wheter narcissism selfishness etc how long can you use bad parenting at times as an excuse for your issues?
I had an alcoholic father who had some other issues as well and I remember even as a kid thinking I don’t want to go in his direction.
I’m not saying every young kid has that self awareness and I can see how something like that can affect you negatively into your adult years but once you reach a certain age I think self awareness has to come in to play and you have to try to stop emulating negative traits you might have gotten from your parents.
If by a certain age you haven’t changed then imo it’s no longer on your parents or upbringing it’s on you.. You clearly have no interest in change and this is just who you are as a person
Forever. Whatever a parent has done or not done, whether he/she was present or not present, affects a person for life. A person's personality and nature are formed by the age of about 7. There's no changing it.
That doesn't mean a person doesn't try to be the opposite of what a bad parent was. In fact, the effect that parent had long-term could well be that the child grows up to be intentionally different from the bad parent. But the effect, good or bad, is there for life. To say otherwise is to disregard the huge importance of the effect that a parent has on his/her child.
Example: Actor Pearce Brosnan, born in Ireland. His father abandoned them while he was very young, then he lost his mother (who left to go work in England), leaving him in the care of relatives and then a boarding school. It was a lonely childhood, where he'd sit for hours looking out the window at the expanse outside. At 11 he set off on his own for England. One thing led to another, and he ultimately became a famous actor. Despite being incredibly handsome, famous, and wealthy, he became a faithful, and loving husband to one woman (5 years older than he was), until her death. He also became a doting, present father to his 5 children. He has since remarried, to a pretty journalist, who over the years gained a lot of weight to become obese. He's stood by her, hugging and kissing her in public, never criticizing, etc. I think it's obvious that the effect of his worthless father had a big effect on Brosnan, but in a good way.
Let me just say I’m not talking about physical or sexual abuse here obviously those are things that can cause trauma throughout a persons life that without therapy are hard to overcome.
I’m talking about just kinda crummy parents with flaws wheter narcissism selfishness etc how long can you use bad parenting at times as an excuse for your issues?
I had an alcoholic father who had some other issues as well and I remember even as a kid thinking I don’t want to go in his direction.
I’m not saying every young kid has that self awareness and I can see how something like that can affect you negatively into your adult years but once you reach a certain age I think self awareness has to come in to play and you have to try to stop emulating negative traits you might have gotten from your parents.
If by a certain age you haven’t changed then imo it’s no longer on your parents or upbringing it’s on you.. You clearly have no interest in change and this is just who you are as a person
Me: The parenting game is over by about 15 for most kids, so assuming they have to live at home until 18 they are not being held back at any point beyond 18.
Plenty of hard luck stories out there followed by huge successes in their adult lives. Lebron James and Mike Tyson both had miserable childhoods.
I did not have the best childhood to put it lightly.However, I never blamed my parents for my life issues. Once I became a parent, I understood them better. Not that the things they did to me at times where okay. Obviously I am still conflicted. *sighs*
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