Why do so many people dismiss the struggles of unattractive women? (aunt, men)
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Location: When things get hot they expand. Im not fat. Im hot.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
Laughing out loud. I am not only an old white woman, I'm a too-tall old white woman. I was made fun of for my height all my life. I once joined eHarmony only to have them tell me, sorry, only 3% of men would be interested in a woman as tall as you. Then they asked if I wanted to change my profile. LOL, what? LIE about my height? How long did they think I could pull that off?
It might have been OK if I was an overly tall beautiful woman, but I wasn't. Rather "plain", as it has been kindly put, in adulthood. "Ugliest girl in the class" in high school.
I don't care anymore what anyone thinks. If you have something negative or stupid to say about my height or appearance, you are dismissed.
I truly hope the OP can get to that point.
Hey maybe we be sisters? I am also a too-tall old white woman. I have never joined eHarmony but I have also been bullied because of my height. And told that I was nerdy and unfeminine. And had big feet. Probably being on the debate team and graduating top of my class didnt help. So not only am I tall but I am also an argumentative smart ass.
I dont know about you but I still get crap. Just recently I was called an Amazon.
Oh and we are not ugly. We are Swans. And I for one will not suffer insults from Ducks.
Location: When things get hot they expand. Im not fat. Im hot.
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OP I understand. Its hard to have others judge you on things you feel like you cant change. If you need empathy I can give it to you but you wont get any sympathy from me. Im one of those walk it off youll be fine people.
So I say change what you can and accept the rest and live your life. I know this will sound cheezy but we can choose to be happy or we can choose to be miserable. I choose to be happy.
And the correct color and style clothing and makeup and the right hair style/cut do make a difference. So does attitude. You wont meet your soulmate by curling up your lip and snarling at the world.
That is like saying,an unattractive woman can help it,they can get plastic surgery.
Or an obese person can help it,they cam just lose weight.
I know that RBF is easily fixed with a smile. No one says you have to have a fake smile plastered on your face 18 hours a day. But when you're walking along, and you meet eyes with someone, it's not difficult to give a smile.
It is not at all the same as getting plastic surgery, or even struggling with losing weight. You acting like RBF is a calamity is bizarre to me.
A lot of people out there think a woman has an easier time finding a romantic partner regardless of looks and the answer is no. There is a lot of gas lighting of women who find ourselves unattractive too, we are told we don't look as bad as we think. The reality is that life is not fair and some women get a ridiculously bad hand when it comes to appearance.
(venting here)
I've long accepted my looks (even though it was hard) but by the age of 14 I knew I was going to never find a romantic partner. By that age I was 210 pounds and covered in cystic acne, my facial features were awful with a large nose, long face, no chin and an enormous forehead. I had a very difficult hair type too- very coarse and could not really be tamed. At that age people were already starting to couple up in eighth grade so the pain of romantic rejection had just started for me.
The older I got the worse my looks became, my acne got worse, I couldn't lose weight, I grew facial hair and some how manged to get even uglier facially. My acne persisted until age 30 and I was left with bad scars on the my face and body. I developed a parotid gland tumor in my face and the removal of it left me with minor facial paralysis at 24. Even in my adult years people still tried to mock me for my appearance - especially strangers.
I've lost weight but will never be thin. My body has never been '''nice'' - it's just bad all around, weight loss or no weight loss and of course I'm still ugly. Bad teeth too despite years of dental intervention. Hair is still horrible - I've always had that hair type that can break brushes in half. At 33 I've never been on a date, never been kissed never any romantic opportunities. But as I said, I have reached a point of acceptance of that. I do wish society had more acceptance, belief and empathy for unattractive women. We do exist and sometimes no amount of ''glow ups'' will help us our genetics are such a way that improvement is hopeless. We're not all victims of self hatred and low self esteem either. Some of just want to have our story heard. Is it so hard to believe?
I am going to tell you there are no 100% ugly or 100% beautiful women out there. It all depends upon someone's will, efforts and money to look and be healthy.
You mention weight. I know it is a struggle, I am obese myself, but after years of not doing anything I kicked my but and signed up for a gym I actually like and I am going to classes every day (almost) and it's been a month. I lost a few pounds but my objective is not to lose weight but to increase mobility. I feel a difference in my body after a month. True, the gym membership is not cheap, but with the regular ones that have the machines, I'd never go. It's SO boring. I'm also going to a nutritionist, ut that's covered by my health insurance.
Teeth: there's nothing that a good dentist can't fix. But it costs money.
Same with hair.
Facial features: even the most beautiful actresses look ugly if they have the wrong hairdo or clothes. Have you seen shows like "Ugly Betty?" Or Anne Hathaway in Princes Diaries movie? One can't argue that Anne Hathaway is beautiful. Yet in that movies with the wrong clothes and hairdo she's ugly.
If I were you I'd made a list with what I'd like to change and I'd start small, focusing on one problem at the time. Courage!
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jerseygal4u
Would you tell a short man to grow taller? No. You would say he should not have to change,because he cannot help how he was born. Same with unattractive men.
Ofc not. And, just because some women aren’t attracted to short men doesn’t mean there isn’t a woman out there for him who is. There are unattractive men & unattractive women. But also, we find different things attractive….especially once you get to know them. I’ve met super attractive men in appearance who I didn’t date long because I found out they weren’t compatible in other ways or they had awful personalities. My attraction to them plummeted!
OP, my take on your struggle is a little tied to what I see as an overall difference in how society treats men and women. And I do think that it's getting better, but...it's a thing.
Too many people do not listen to women. Even here on the forum I run into plenty of men who try to turn every single conversation into "but what about ME and MY problems??" Like everything at all times must be all about them. I for one HAVE listened to their problems. I gave a lot of empathy and sympathy and effort to hear and understand for years. But they (and maybe anyone who is really sunk in their own struggles) are like emotional labor black holes. There is no solution that can be accepted and no amount of empathy or sympathy could be enough. And of course, we know, no one can really change a person's mindset or situation, if it's changeable at all, better than they themselves could.
But I can say not only from how my own attraction mechanisms work, but how I've seen things play out in the world around me... I believe very solidly that the looks of a woman are weighed much more in how much "value" society assigns to us...and it isn't always a "if you look better, people treat you better" thing. A lot of the time, it feels more like a "you can't win if you're a woman" thing. If you are good looking, some people will define you by it in their heads to a point they won't even treat you like a person. I always grumbled that a woman could cure cancer or solve world poverty and half her audience would be thinking about her boobs instead of the words coming out of her mouth. That doesn't feel very good, when you want to be defined by what you think and know and accomplish in your life. And I've met men who ENVY women for this, and wish that people would look at them like a hungry animal looks at food...but if they have not experienced it, they don't know what it feels like. Men think that we don't know what it feels like to have to work and prove yourself in the world. They think we get positive regard just by being a woman, as long as we look even average. But it likely depends on how one defines ONESELF - whatever one of us feels is valuable about ourselves, I think we'd like to have that validated.
And so you get to women who are not even average looking...who are still just as "invisible" for their thoughts and achievements and instead of an audience looking at them and thinking about their boobs, their audience is maybe looking at them and thinking negative things about their appearance or even that the only reason she's doing ambitious intellectual things is because she can't cut it "as a real woman" (sexy boobs lady lol.)
We can't win. It's ridiculous. And at either end of it, I see women giving a big middle finger to whatever forces in society drive this sort of nonsense, and going on and living our lives, sometimes trying to check out of whatever silly game we see being played out in the world around us.
But when I meet a man, well...honestly when I meet anyone, but from the perspective of a mostly straight woman... I am gathering information about who they are, and everything that means. I've been attracted to plenty of men who weren't conventionally good looking, but they've got to have something going for them. Smarts, talent, wit...something. I've never been into "pretty and dumb" in terms of what I find appealing in other people.
In general when it comes to what men find "attractive" in women (whether we appreciate it or not) I've seen them being more forgiving of what is in a woman's mind and less so in terms of her looks. I think that while not every woman is willing to look past a man's basic appearance, more of us are. And most will be able to respect a man and listen to him without being too distracted or wrapped up about his looks. I don't think that men...at least middle class or better, and particularly white American men...get as many of what I would consider to be challenges to their basic personhood. All dating matters aside, just in terms of basic respect. How much entitlement they have to be heard and taken seriously in the world. This might be shifting a little and I do see some guys not exactly coping well with it.
But I've also always believed that a man who is blinded by his "men are visual" attraction drives for women, well...he often pays a price. I've seen countless men fall for scheming women or be taken advantage of, because they were not doing any sort of due diligence in evaluating her character. Some of the fellas I hear talking at times seem to come across like, as long as they find a pretty woman who will commit to restricting access to herself sexually to him and him only, it doesn't matter if she is smart or stupid, good or bad, calm or temperamental...and I can't decide if I am more exasperated to be thought of as potential breeding livestock, or if I feel sorry for the guys for what consequences may come of underestimating the minds of women.
But we all have our own challenges, OP. We do. And I can tell you for absolute FACT that no relationship ever with any man (being single for life), is a far superior outcome to a bad relationship with the wrong man...and women who get into relationships really do have significant odds of encountering that possible scenario. You have your own difficulties that bear being heard and respected, but do try to keep in mind some of the problems you are spared.
I hope that I'm right in my earlier thought that you do actually have OK self esteem, even if it isn't anchored to your appearance. You sound to me like a reasonably intelligent person. Saying that you are bad looking and you've accepted it and don't think that there is a solution to that specific thing, does not have to mean that you hate yourself...and it shouldn't mean that.
Hey maybe we be sisters? I am also a too-tall old white woman. I have never joined eHarmony but I have also been bullied because of my height. And told that I was nerdy and unfeminine. And had big feet. Probably being on the debate team and graduating top of my class didnt help. So not only am I tall but I am also an argumentative smart ass.
I dont know about you but I still get crap. Just recently I was called an Amazon.
Oh and we are not ugly. We are Swans. And I for one will not suffer insults from Ducks.
Ha, I love it. Just a few years ago, I was in a Barnes & Noble when I realized somebody was standing too close. I look down, and there's this grinning idiot of an old man, saying, "Hi, Shorty". I was thinking of fly-kicking his smarmy ass from Fiction to History when around the shelves came a woman who was looking for him, grabbed him by the arm and said, "let's go".
Most of the time now if I hear "Amazon" type remarks, I tend to dead-stare them for a moment, then just turn away as if they don't exist. For some, high school never ends.
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