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Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,570,402 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by digitalUID
This sounds utterly horrible. I hope that these women ultimately find some sense to drop these leeches. A relationship should be about being a team.
ITA…but, this is getting way ahead of the O.P. She has never dated. It’s really about self-esteem & finding her worth. She calls herself ugly over & over. That is a sign of somebody that does not love herself.
ITA…but, this is getting way ahead of the O.P. She has never dated. It’s really about self-esteem & finding her worth. She calls herself ugly over & over. That is a sign of somebody that does not love herself.
I am not sure it is getting way ahead, since these are often the first types of guys they unexperienced women get involved with. I don’t disagree with you that she needs to work on having more self confidence, but I also get the impression that she probably has some level of dysmorphia if she calls herself disgusting.
I am a 69-year-old woman, and I have only met ONE woman in my entire life who I would term "ugly" (in appearance; I have met dozens of women who had, imo, an ugly personality), but IF the OP's self-evaluation is true, then I think she does have a serious problem.
However, as far as others "dismissing" the problems of unattractive women, the short and simple answer is that I doubt if it is not a matter of dismissing the problem, but just not giving it any thought at all. Most people have -- or in my opinion, should have -- more important things to think about than what someone else looks like.
Oh, and just to put it out there, in old age, MANY women are very unattractive, imo, and that includes myself -- but we have enjoyment in life, anyway. Now it is true that I have a husband and have never had any problem getting a boyfriend before I was married, so maybe that has affected my outlook -- but many old people have good lives, married or not, even if they grimace every time they look in the mirror.
I've seen and known many people who would be considered ugly. I've seen many ugly people in a relationship with each other, as mentioned upthread. It's a mystery why some people are able to have a relationship and some aren't. My theory is that some people are more relationship-oriented than others. In my family, there are people who are ALWAYS in a relationship - usually long term. As for myself, my son and a cousin's son, we are not relationship-oriented. An important thing is to realize what type you actually are and either accept it or try to change it. My father who is over 100 yrs old is on his 4th romantic relationship, having seen 3 wives pass away before him. He has always had a blessed life, especially when it comes to romance.
Here's another thing: if someone is hoping for someone who would be conventionally considered out of their league, then they need to alter that. The kind of men who have always been attracted to me, I'm not attracted to. I'm not going to go into detail because that would open a can of worms on here. It does boil down to too many differences with the other person or persons.
Talk show hosts have done segment after segment about unattractive and morbidly obese people finding love. It's possible. I do think, if one believes in God, that it behooves a person to ask whether they actually belong with someone. I have come to the point where I know that I don't belong with anyone. If that is the case with the OP, then it's time to accept it. If it's not the case, then the OP must start accepting herself more, and open herself to the possibility of a relationship. And that's a daily thing, not a one-time thing.
Last edited by pathrunner; 03-28-2023 at 09:56 AM..
Reason: add text at end
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,570,402 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict
I don’t disagree with you that she needs to work on having more self confidence, but I also get the impression that she probably has some level of dysmorphia if she calls herself disgusting.
We aren’t psychiatrists & we couldn’t diagnose her online even if we were, BUT…it sounds like her appearance has more to do with her NCAAH than a psychiatric disorder. Once the O.P. posted that, it explains a LOT.
BDD is diagnosed when it’s an obsessive & imagined defect in one part of the body. It’s different than insecurity about her real appearance or calling herself ugly or being depressed because of her condition. It’s not like the O.P. would say she has it if she didn’t…that would be weird, tho IMO, she should have brought it up in her 1st post because it really changes the thread. It’s the condition that is severely affecting her life & her thoughts. A therapist isn’t a bad idea…especially since she doesn’t date at all because of it.
OP I understand. Its hard to have others judge you on things you feel like you cant change. If you need empathy I can give it to you but you wont get any sympathy from me. Im one of those walk it off youll be fine people.
So I say change what you can and accept the rest and live your life. I know this will sound cheezy but we can choose to be happy or we can choose to be miserable. I choose to be happy.
And the correct color and style clothing and makeup and the right hair style/cut do make a difference. So does attitude. You wont meet your soulmate by curling up your lip and snarling at the world.
THANK YOU !!!!
That's what I've been saying. What is it you want us to do? How can we 'as society' be more sympthetic to you? What exactly would you have us do? I guess we could always brainwash men to be more flexible in their quest for a mate? I don't know what she wants. It's nuts.
As an ugly dude who’s 42 and never been with the opposite sex I emphatize with you and wish you luck
I disagree with you saying nobody cares and they care more about ugly men’s plight.
I feel like Men’s problems are more dismissed because inherently people think Men should always be strong and never lack confidence or have insecurities where with women it’s par for the course
Anytime I’ve come on here and said im ugly I get scolded harshly and told I must hate myself because I call myself ugly and how it can’t be my looks holding me back because women dont care as much.
You’ve been treated much better then that it seems.
As an ugly dude who’s 42 and never been with the opposite sex I emphatize with you and wish you luck
I disagree with you saying nobody cares and they care more about ugly men’s plight.
I feel like Men’s problems are more dismissed because inherently people think Men should always be strong and never lack confidence or have insecurities where with women it’s par for the course
I’m psychologically strong. However, it’s not because I’m a man; it’s because I’m psychologically well (and have a healthy perspective) i.e. I know how to navigate problems or negative emotions as well as personal and professional relationships. It’s the difference between being functional vs. dysfunctional; women are/should be psychologically strong as well. Hence the point, the OP needs to address how she deals with it (as opposed to expecting other folks to think as she does). Sure, venting is sometimes necessary; however, at the end of the day, (even our) empathy won’t heal how she feels or change her situation. In fact, it may make her feel worse if she wallows in it or becomes angry over such in the long-term.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980
Anytime I’ve come on here and said im ugly I get scolded harshly and told I must hate myself because I call myself ugly and how it can’t be my looks holding me back because women dont care as much.
You’ve been treated much better then that it seems.
It’s not a competition; man or woman, your psychological health is your responsibility.
OP, I understand your frustration. As a woman who's had cystic acne, frizzy hair, and a tomboyish body, I've never been able to attract a partner. I look at all of the beautiful women out there with long straight hair, beautiful skin and teeth, curvy bodies, and just overall sex appeal and I want to crawl under a rock. There was so much competition out there that I never stood a chance.
Yes, I tried to fix my defects, but there's only so much one can do. And why do women have to do that, in order to find someone to love them? I want to be loved for who I am. I'm not ashamed of my tomboyish body, in fact, I like it. I like being strong and slim. But I'm not big breasted and don't have a curvy butt, so I get overlooked. I have a friend who's about the same height and weight as me and she has huge breasts and gets constant attention from men.
I don't "buy" the bunk about low self esteem and loving yourself and that you can find someone regardless of having cystic acne, frizzy hair and a tomboyish body. That's total bull crap. Men are not going to pursue someone with cystic acne, frizzy hair, and a tomboyish body. They just don't. There's a LOT of women out there and the competition is fierce. I used to go to singles events and there would be 20 women, 3 men.
I feel I have fairly good self esteem anyway so the theory about low self esteem is a lot of crap. I don't depend on my looks for self-esteem. I have a great personality and I've had professional successes in life and those things bolster my self esteem. A woman's looks only take her so far in life. You cannot look like a 22 year old when you're 70. However, most 70 year old women whose looks are fading are married and their spouses don't expect them to look like 22 anymore. It's much harder for an older single woman.
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We aren’t psychiatrists & we couldn’t diagnose her online even if we were, BUT…it sounds like her appearance has more to do with her NCAAH than a psychiatric disorder. Once the O.P. posted that, it explains a LOT. 