People Who Don't Seem To Enjoy Life (mom, issues, problems)

[rokuremote]

Originally Posted by norman_w

South Florida and Hawaii: Everyone lives here to "have the address to make the folks back home feel envious." They never go to the beach. They sit at home and watch tv. We wish they'd all go away.

How is this relevant?

[TeaByrd]

Since this is the psychology forum, I'll hazard a psych-sounding guess: Stan may have lifelong depression, or he may have some kind of trauma in his past. I say this because my boss is the very same way. The woman works 65 hours a week, has no real hobbies or interests, and has no social life outside of her family, which she doesn't see all that often because of her work schedule.

Scratch beneath all of that and it turns out her father was a "weekend alcoholic" who became abusive when he drank, and her first husband was no Prince Charming either. Some people deal with trauma by burying themselves in other activities. Work seems "healthy" compared to turning to drugs, drink, or behavior like sleeping around a lot, especially because of the emphasis placed on "work ethic" as a badge of honor in many cultures.

But in the end, it's just another way of avoiding confronting trauma and working through it so you can heal from it.

I have a philosophy about "workaholics." Show me someone with an education who works 60 hours a week on the regular who isn't an entrepreneur or surgeon or some such, and I'll show you someone who is not qualified for their job, has poor time management skills, works in an understaffed office, or has personal problems they don't want to go home to. Maybe Stan is in the last group.

[Thoreau424]

Thankfully we live in the land of the free (or that's the concept at least). There's no right or wrong with these things. We just need to try and be more understanding. I fully embrace all my quirks, and don't want to hear from others about them. I'll do the same in reverse. It kinda ends up making the best of things. Differences shouldn't lead to fussing.

[Lodestar]

Originally Posted by TeaByrd

Since this is the psychology forum, I'll hazard a psych-sounding guess: Stan may have lifelong depression, or he may have some kind of trauma in his past. I say this because my boss is the very same way. The woman works 65 hours a week, has no real hobbies or interests, and has no social life outside of her family, which she doesn't see all that often because of her work schedule.

Scratch beneath all of that and it turns out her father was a "weekend alcoholic" who became abusive when he drank, and her first husband was no Prince Charming either. Some people deal with trauma by burying themselves in other activities. Work seems "healthy" compared to turning to drugs, drink, or behavior like sleeping around a lot, especially because of the emphasis placed on "work ethic" as a badge of honor in many cultures.

But in the end, it's just another way of avoiding confronting trauma and working through it so you can heal from it.

I have a philosophy about "workaholics." Show me someone with an education who works 60 hours a week on the regular who isn't an entrepreneur or surgeon or some such, and I'll show you someone who is not qualified for their job, has poor time management skills, works in an understaffed office, or has personal problems they don't want to go home to. Maybe Stan is in the last group.

I have another. Some people have a compulsion to do something which is unhealthy for them and the way they avoid it is to keep busy.

I first got this idea when a high school friend of mine who is still working told me if he didn't keep working he'd probably drink himself into alcoholism.

Kinda makes me wonder about people and their world's largest ball of twine. . .

[michael917]

Originally Posted by TeaByrd

I have a philosophy about "workaholics." Show me someone with an education who works 60 hours a week on the regular who isn't an entrepreneur or surgeon or some such, and I'll show you someone who is not qualified for their job, has poor time management skills, works in an understaffed office, or has personal problems they don't want to go home to. Maybe Stan is in the last group.

It's interesting that you would say this, because a mutual friend of ours once told me that Stan sometimes takes work home to do on his own time because it's too much for him to get done during work hours.

I feel like that could either clear up some of the confusion I have or add to it. Maybe if Stan is truly aware of his work-related limitations, he is spending excessive amounts of time trying to learn as a way of compensating for them. On the other hand, if his work is that challenging, why the compulsion to take on even more work-related tasks in lieu of finding unrelated hobbies to de-stress, like many others do?

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

I have known many people, and also seen a ton of this around here on the forum, where folks want to offer solutions, and want them to be taken.

I've been in this situation before, many years ago, where someone got very agitated that I was offering solutions where none were asked for. So I do understand that, and in my OP I did state that my reason for posting was not to change my friend, but rather to understand him better.

Because to your point, my friend does not seem willing (or capable?) of taking advice. Our mutual friend is always giving Stan what I consider very sound advice, but it never sticks.

[fluffythewondercat]

Is Stan on the spectrum? Seems to me he'd be in his element in Silicon Valley.

[fluffythewondercat]

Originally Posted by norman_w

Portland a lady told me "Everyones depressed and they don't know it."

You talking about PDX?

If so, I agree completely. I have relatives who are always bummed out. I meet people in places like Starbucks and strike up a conversation, which quickly turns into Woe-Is-Me by the person I just met.

[otterhere]

So, OP, it sounds more like you're something of a control freak than "too empathetic." If you were empathetic, you would understand your friend and let him be himself. Instead you seem to want to change him into someone else (although you deny that, too).

I also have no idea why you keep saying, basically, that if you can't change him (or, in your view, help him change), you'll have to distance yourself from him. Why? What's it to you if he pursues a master's degree in retirement? How is his personality and way of life hurting you?

If this were your partner, I could understand wanting more compatibility and shared interests and life goals, but you say he's just a casual friend.

[rokuremote]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

When in fact, most of the threads I've seen where someone says that they want advice (my own rare thread included)...don't really, truly want advice. They only THINK that maybe they do, until the moment they begin to receive it, then they realize that they already know what if anything they're going to do about their situation. From that moment on, it is either further explanation and refusal and argument against advice, and defense of whatever position they already had, or perhaps they get validation of what they already kinda knew they were gonna do.

Sometimes people just want to vent. I've read, and I think it's true, that it can be very helpful in our interpersonal relationships, to ask "do you want to be heard, or do you want advice?"

I'll offer a 3rd option...sometimes it's helpful just knowing that others--and yes, that includes random strangers--have had the same experience/feeling/situation/quirk that you to. There can be comfort in numbers when you initially think you might be suffering from terminal uniqueness.

[Superhornet]

I identify a little bit with Stan. My wife says that I don't do things that bring me "joy." I do enjoy the things I do.