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I hope this is the right place for this question; wasn’t quite sure.
So; 46 years ago a young, married couple (my parents) with 2 little girls flew from halfway around the world to build a life. They came “home” to a country that had changed significantly during their 4 year absence. They wanted to be close to family but their first priority was to choose a community where their daughters would be safe, happy, healthy ... & stable.
They found their home in in a builders book of floor plans, designated for a lot on a dirt road on the very northeast side of town. For her; it was a dream come true. A brand new house in a brand new development with brand new schools ... she picked it out based on the size of the planned backyard; the biggest backyard on the block.
“ I want to have the backyard where all the children in the neighborhood will want to come & play”, was what she said.
There was nothing he wouldn’t have done to fulfill that dream. Every night when he came home from work, she would ask “Can we go look at the house?” And he would say “Well, it’s actually just a hole in the ground but okay!” And they would pack up the little girls & go look at the site of the future home. Sometimes she would take the girls in the middle of the day, as the frame was being added to the hole in the ground because she wanted to make sure that it was really true: Their house, our home.
Eventually, the builder had to gently & politely tell her “Ma’am? I would be in big trouble with my insurance company if one of you got hurt out here ...”
“June 2, 1972: Pat, Maria, Christine & Elaine”. Is what my dad wrote into the still wet cement step that led from the kitchen into the garage, on the day we moved in, to the brand new house on the dirt road that had been named Enchanted.
Every day, for the next 45 years, when my dad would leave, my mom would stand in the window & wave goodbye. Every time. The backyard soon was full of children; every kid on the block wanted to come over & play in the big backyard of the yellow house on Enchanted. There was a swing set. And puppy dogs. A tether ball pole. Eventually; a trampoline. A garden. And grape vines on the fence for my dad’s homemade wine hobby. There was the Wilderness: a section of the yard with dense trees & foliage perfect for games of hide & seek. And 15 grandchildren, born between 1986 to 2003; played & swung & bounced & ran through the sprinklers ... to them; that is “home” too.
And my mom. Every day, except while she was completing one of her two PhD’s; my mom was there. Despite those two degrees & despite her significant contributions to the science of Biochem & Immunology, my mom would say “ The most important thing I could do with my life is to be a Homemaker. Make sure that when I die; you put that in my obituary: She was a Homemaker”.
Last year in March, we had to do so. And now my dad is meeting with my sister & I to “discuss the Will”. His attorney has advised to “just sell the house”. And when he said that, my sister & I looked at each other & said “No!” I blurted out “I will give everything to Elaine; please don’t sell this house!” And Elaine said the same thing “I’d rather have nothing & keep the house in our family”.
So, forgive my naivety but I don’t know how this works. The options. The lingo. Is there a way for my dad to do this? Would my sister & I be considered “joint” owners?
The house is owned by my dad free & clear but there would be property taxes, correct? My sister is married to a man who owns a lot of property in Denver. What if he were to be involved with litigation? Would the house be on the table? Is there a way to protect it?
And yes; Dad has an attorney & everything would be done correctly but I am very unknowing of these matters. He wants to talk with my sister & I tomorrow & I’m dreading it. I just want my dad ... I’d rather be poor every day than lose him but this is how he is ... He wants to do everything the right way.
Some sort of trust for the house could be set up. But maybe it is a burden to him and wants to let it go. To him the people made the home not the walls. I am nearing where you are at and my parents have been in this home for 57 years and I am here weekly usually for all but a few years in my 30's. It's not the biggest or the best home but hard to imagine not being able to walk through the front door, or hear that same garage door slam again. To me it is more than 4 walls than my own home.
I've been through what you are going through so I can empathize with your situation. However you and your sister need to realize that you will always have your memories. If the house isn't the best place for your Dad to live at this time, perhaps it's time for a change. Life is never the same; it never will be.
If the decision is to keep the house in the family (for however long that may be) then, yes, there are ways to title the house so that you and your sister are joint owners--either as Joint Tenants with rights of survivorship or as Tenants in Common. Those details, or whether the house is best placed into a trust, are best discussed with your father's attorney. That is obviously not the most important decision to be made at this time. I simply advise careful reflection about your situation and how that may be affected over time. Best wishes.
Most of your legal and tax questions can be answered by a good attorney who is well versed in both wills and trusts, and real estate.
The legal part isn't the hardest part. The hardest part is deciding what's right for the people.
The house might be too much for your dad to keep up alone now. He may need and want a simpler life now.
If either you or your sister (or some other family member) wants to LIVE in the house, they should make arrangements to buy it. If not now, than from your father's estate down the road. There may be good tax or cash flow reasons to time the actual transfer of the property carefully but that can likely be worked out if everyone is amicable.
If no one in the family wants to LIVE there, then I would question yourself very carefully about keeping it in the family and ask yourselves who you are saving it for. It is not legally difficult to create a shared ownership arrangement. What becomes difficult then is deciding who is responsible for the major and minor upkeep of it so it doesn't just fall apart. And houses that are NOT occupied deteriorate quickly. Houses need people in them to be homes.
The emotions of the thing are the hard part. I understand, and hope that you and your sister and your dad can make decisions now so that you can all have peace going forward.
On edit.... FWIW, my family has been through a similar series of emotions about a house... our family's beach house where my grandparents lived. In our case, my brother wanted and was able to purchase the house, inheriting shares and buying out the other heirs and now owns it free and clear. In the big picture... the house has continued to age... and now needs major work to survive the next era. Houses don't last forever without someone who is looking out for their future, not just their past.
Last edited by Diana Holbrook; 03-08-2018 at 07:10 AM..
It’s unclear what you’re wanting to do. Buy house and have Dad continue to live there? Buy the house and one (or both) of you live there? Buy the house and rent it out? Why is Dad’s attorney urging him to sell the house?
Keep in mind if you rent it out there’s a good chance at some point a tenant is going to cause some serious damage. Are you prepared to deal with the desecration of your “shrine”? Are you prepared to be landlords in any event?
What if you co-own but only one of you lives there. Kitchen needs updating. Who pays for it? Does the non-occupant have veto power over selections?
I certainly understand your desire to keep the house in the family but just make sure you consider all the ramifications if you do.
Thank you, everyone who responded! I’m relieved to hear that I am not alone in my struggles with being sentimental: I read posts here every day on CD where people are talking about doing “this with that & then splitting this for them ...” & so on & i was thinking that they make it sound so easy ...
And it made me wonder; maybe it’s supposed to be easy & I’m being over emotional? So I’m glad I’m not the only one!
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Originally Posted by Izzie1213
To me it is more than 4 walls than my own home.
Yes, exactly.
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Originally Posted by Okey Dokie
It’s unclear what you’re wanting to do.
Heh; very perceptive ... because I don’t know what I want to do either, logistically speaking! I know my sister & I would not be okay with turning it into a rental.
And my sister & her husband live a mile north in Denver & they own their own home as well as investment properties. Their personal home was custom built to accommodate my BIL, as he is confined to a wheelchair. I do live here & do not own a home but I don’t believe that should give me priority over any other family member.
I would like to think that somehow, one day when I myself am no longer here; that at least one of the occupants could be my youngest child (he is now 14); as he is disabled & will never be able to live on his own & this could prevent him from being institutionalized.
This will be complicated, as being his caregiver is very difficult & I refuse to count on his siblings for assuming care of him 100%. To do so would be like asking one of them to sacrifice their life’s potential ... this is not the sort of caregiving that is “workaroundable”. So; lots of work to be done there, for sure.
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Originally Posted by exit82
loved the story and sorry about your mom.......
15 children between you and your sister? holy crap! (or did your parents have more kids after you moved into the house on Enchanted?)
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No; I have 11 & my sister has 4. The one thing my dad has refused to do is to complain about this in regards to the reality that it has complicated his estate planning exponentially. He says that each grandchild is infinitely more precious to him than all the money in the world.
His own needs; potential & current, are secure, as are any burial/funeral wishes. He has appropriated some of (about 2.5% each) his estate to 2 charities; then 25% to me, 25% to my sister & 3% to each grandchild.
One of my 11 is my first daughter; her & her twin brother were born in 1994 but she passed away as a child. My dad insists that her life “counts” & as such, she is appropriated her 3% but it will be added to his disabled grandsons portion which will be in the form of a trust to help provide for him.
Apparently this was something him & my mom had agreed on before she passed away & this does not surprise me in the least. I know how worried she was that he would be too much for me to handle; mostly physically & financially. She had a special connection with him. A few years ago before she had told anybody that she had been diagnosed with CHF, he walked up to her & held his hands over her heart. Then he slowly said “You are sick?” My mom called me in disbelief later that day & I told her “the rest of the story”:
That the day before that he had looked & pointed at me & said “My grandma is getting tired. But she’s afraid to go ... because of you.” My very practical mother said “Well; he’s right, you know.”
So we had the meeting yesterday. My dad has been meticulous about each & every detail; I’ve never seen anything like it & he’s not quite done! He said not to forget that it’s all just ... stuff. Even the house & the money is just “stuff” & our first priority is to be each other. I can handle that. Today would have been my mom’s 76th birthday.
I do live here & do not own a home but I don’t believe that should give me priority over any other family member.
I do hope you can end up with the yellow house on Enchanted Circle West. For you and yours. It sounds like that's what you hope can be?
You may have to buy the other shares from the estate, but you may also begin with an arrangement to help take care of your dad so he can stay? I am aware of one family where that was the arrangement between three siblings. In exchange for care in the home for as long as that was the right answer for the parent, she would get the home. That may or may not be right for your family.... just something to think about.
In my own family, my brother had to inherit shares in his beach house twice before it was all his. He and I both inherited shares that should have belonged to our mother, first, and he and our father bought out two other siblings. Then when my father passed, he had to buy out my father's share also. Now he owns it.
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No; I have 11 & my sister has 4. The one thing my dad has refused to do is to complain about this in regards to the reality that it has complicated his estate planning exponentially. He says that each grandchild is infinitely more precious to him than all the money in the world.
