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Long story, but I'll try to keep it short and specific:
I'm a 26 year old male. I've been with my fiancee, also 26, since high school. In the beginning, it was like a lot of young relationship: lots of sex and affection. At one point it was 4 or 5 days a week when we were 17, 18 years old. We were each other's first. As we got a little older, went to college, etc, the sex obviously diminished to about once a week or so. No big deal. Except, the problem started to be that I'd almost have to beg for it. I felt like it was becoming a chore to her to have sex with me and she would do next to nothing before and during the act. Before, there were almost no limits. Today, I can't remember the last time we did it, and even then it wasn't great.
I get that people change of many years of being together. But my sex drive is still as full as it was when I was 17. If it were up to me, I'd have sex a couple times a day almost every day. But once a week or so is a reasonable compromise, in my opinion. But it's like my fiancee has completely changed. She says things like "why is sex such a big deal to you" and "does it make or break the relationship..." basically questions I can't win. Of course it doesn't make or break the relationship, but it's a big deal for reasons I can't explain. If it were up to her, I don't think we'd have sex until we were ready to have kids.
I went through all the reasons I think could be the reason for our sex life falling off a cliff: she's insecure, I'm not attractive, she's cheating, our financial situation sucks, etc. I thought of everything. I'm sure she isn't cheating on me. I don't think I'm unattractive (I'm on the short side for a male, but I played football in college and still workout regularly). She has gone up and down in weight since high school, but even at her heaviest, we've been intimate more than we are today. As for the financial thing - due to the circumstances, we couldn't maintain a place together, and she doesn't like my mother, so we are living in separate places. Only a 10 minute drive away. But this issue started long before that.)
It's such a sensitive subject to discuss. There are never good times to talk about it, and it usually ends in an argument. I really have no plan to address it other than dealing with it as it is. I can't see myself leaving over this since our bond otherwise is very strong and I've never considered going elsewhere to get it. But I do need it more often than I'm getting it. Am I wrong? Are my expectations too high? Can people really go months without it, by choice? Did she get it all out of her system when we were younger? Did she ever find it fun? Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
Do a search for "sexless marriage" in this forum and read the heartache of people trapped in similar situations as you.
Bottom line: break up with her NOW. She is not going to change, nor are you going to change. You will continue to be miserable together. Leave before you're trapped in marriage and tied down by children and/or major financial commitments. There's nothing to talk about -- you two are fundamentally incompatible in one of the most important parts of a relationship.
Leave her and find someone with whom you are compatible, becasue the fact is that you two are NOT compatible. And tell her "Yes, sex is a 'make or break' part of a committed relationship" because it is for you (as it is for most non-geriatric people). It is obviously NOT for her, and thus you two should not stay together.
Slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Hop on the bus, Gus. Drop off the key, Lee... (you know the lyrics).
if sex aint happening at 26, it isnt happening when she is 46. I would take a step back and take a break. Dont get married till this issue is resolved
They shouldn't get married, period. There's no issue really to be resolved -- he likes chocolate, she likes vanilla. Both of their positions are valid ones and they should avoid being stuck in a relationship with a partner with whom they disagree so sharply on such a deeply personal issue.
Long story, but I'll try to keep it short and specific:
I'm a 26 year old male. I've been with my fiancee, also 26, since high school. In the beginning, it was like a lot of young relationship: lots of sex and affection. At one point it was 4 or 5 days a week when we were 17, 18 years old. We were each other's first. As we got a little older, went to college, etc, the sex obviously diminished to about once a week or so. No big deal. Except, the problem started to be that I'd almost have to beg for it. I felt like it was becoming a chore to her to have sex with me and she would do next to nothing before and during the act. Before, there were almost no limits. Today, I can't remember the last time we did it, and even then it wasn't great.
I get that people change of many years of being together. But my sex drive is still as full as it was when I was 17. If it were up to me, I'd have sex a couple times a day almost every day. But once a week or so is a reasonable compromise, in my opinion. But it's like my fiancee has completely changed. She says things like "why is sex such a big deal to you" and "does it make or break the relationship..." basically questions I can't win. Of course it doesn't make or break the relationship, but it's a big deal for reasons I can't explain. If it were up to her, I don't think we'd have sex until we were ready to have kids.
I went through all the reasons I think could be the reason for our sex life falling off a cliff: she's insecure, I'm not attractive, she's cheating, our financial situation sucks, etc. I thought of everything. I'm sure she isn't cheating on me. I don't think I'm unattractive (I'm on the short side for a male, but I played football in college and still workout regularly). She has gone up and down in weight since high school, but even at her heaviest, we've been intimate more than we are today. As for the financial thing - due to the circumstances, we couldn't maintain a place together, and she doesn't like my mother, so we are living in separate places. Only a 10 minute drive away. But this issue started long before that.)
It's such a sensitive subject to discuss. There are never good times to talk about it, and it usually ends in an argument. I really have no plan to address it other than dealing with it as it is. I can't see myself leaving over this since our bond otherwise is very strong and I've never considered going elsewhere to get it. But I do need it more often than I'm getting it. Am I wrong? Are my expectations too high? Can people really go months without it, by choice? Did she get it all out of her system when we were younger? Did she ever find it fun? Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
DO NOT get married while this is still an issue.
Things will not improve with marriage and you will just get more and more resentful, setting you up to become a cheater eventually. You don't think that would happen right now because your "bond is strong" , but trust me, it will.
I'm sorry you find this difficult to discuss with her, but you need to get over it. If you don't take the bull by the horns and get to the bottom of this you'll have no one to blame but yourself when you end up married and miserable.
Just realize, you may have to actually choose between having her or having a sex life. Which one can you live without?
I have to agree - do NOT get married unless and until this is resolved, and if it's an issue now, then it may never get resolved to your satisfaction. Having been in a nearly sexless marriage, I'd never go there again. The lack of affection - never mind the sexual intimacy - is depressing at best. You can try counselling, but often that only leads to temporary improvement. Perhaps there is a medical reason, but most likely the relationship is stale and you don't have the skills to keep it fresh.
They shouldn't get married, period. There's no issue really to be resolved -- he likes chocolate, she likes vanilla. Both of their positions are valid ones and they should avoid being stuck in a relationship with a partner with whom they disagree so sharply on such a deeply personal issue.
Sadly, no matter how much you love her, I agree with this. Sexual compatibility IMO, when there is such a big difference can't be negotiated. If she senses you will leave her over this, watch how her libido suddenly picks up, but, fundamentally she does not feel the same way about sex as you do. Ultimately, when your relationship gets back into her "secure" zone, her drive will go back to what it naturally is, much lower than yours.
Take the professor's advice and end the relationship NOW!
Sex IS a big deal. It's why I left my first wife. When it dropped to weekly I was disappointed but figured I'd get by. When it went to monthly I still excused it and simply hoped for better. And when it stopped completely I just knew it was a passing phase.
To this day I don't know why the sex stopped in our relationship, but I do know that I made a mistake in not packing up after the first year or two. And she could never figure out why I wasn't happy. Even after I filed for divorce, she insisted that we had "a perfect marriage". Perfect for her, maybe.
When one partner desires a healthy sexual relationship and the other can't see the point of sex, it's time to walk away. She's not going to change except to want less sex. You'll end up in a sexless marriage and be looking for answers until you finally give up and divorce her. Save yourself the heartache and leave now.
... If she senses you will leave her over this, watch how her libido suddenly picks up, but, fundamentally she does not feel the same way about sex as you do. Ultimately, when your relationship gets back into her "secure" zone, her drive will go back to what it naturally is, much lower than yours.
Excellent point, robee70. She has shown her true colors on this issue.
Just because someone is capable of having sex doesn't mean they're any good at it.
Think of it more in the sense of 'love-making'. Read books about female sexual anatomy, ask her what specific things turns her on and what she doesn't like. Love making should be a slow and tender process. (The fast and furious is ok too) Start out with a backrub and tell her how much you love her along the way.
Her satisfaction is equally if not more important than yours while in the process as you will always achieve orgasim whereas if she doesn't she won't want to do it again. I've seen this even in older supposedly experienced men so you'll be ahead of the ballgame if you learn it now.
There's no issue with cleanliness on your part I'm assuming or another issue that might turn her off?
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, but trust me, it will.
