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Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunnydee
You are living my greatest fear. I never want to be incapacitated, a burden to my husband and children, destroy our finances, and their lives, etc., but know it's a possibility. We haved discussed this many times and the Terri Schiavo case only made me more determined to let everyone know my wishes. If it ever happens, I'd like my husband to divorce me to protect his assets and get on with his life. I wouldn't know what was going on anyway, so why destroy two lives? I love him that much.
I wish you well and you will be in my thoughts and prayers as you make your way through this difficult time. I believe there are women out there who possess empathy and will give you a chance. I know I understand where you are coming from. Take care.
^This is how I'd always hoped I'd feel and have said as much out loud. But I know myself too well and because I'd feel guilty being a burden to him and wouldn't want to see him unhappy, I'd tell him it's ok to find someone to be with but inside I'd be absolutely devastated to see him do it. He might as well walk away because I'd feel I lost him.
I've seen other couples stick by each other til the end because they had so much love and devotion for each other. That's what I feel for my guy and I'd hope he felt that for me too. I know it sounds selfish but I never ask anything I wouldn't deliver myself. I just think he'd regret it and carry it with him for the rest of his life. That would make me feel even worse--were I around to witness it. If he didn't love me that much then I'd tell him to leave with my blessing.
I've received PM's in the past concerning comments I've made here, and up until now I've decided not to respond.
I've been in a marriage for 20 years. About 10 years ago my wife tested positive for a progressively disabling and always fatal disease. It's something that, as time has progressed, has affected both of us physically, mentally, and worst of all, financially, and of course really unravelled our marriage. The isolation and lonliness and lack of any personal contact has been unbearable. Her having this disease, since it's genetic, of course negated the possiblity of us having a family.
She's been in an Assisted Living center for the past year and a half, and will shortly be moving into a Nursing Home. So we don't live together, but we are still legally married by law.
Back when it was possible, we had discussions about what either of us would do in the event of a situation just like this. We both agreed about what either of us would do if the other became incapacitated, and the agreement was that we'd do the best we could, and when there was nothing more to be done, it would be time to move on with our life.
So, here I am. I can't stand to be alone anymore, and I'm just getting older with each passing day. I have the full blessing of my mother-in-law, my sisters-in-law, my parents, and my family, to start moving on and begin a new life.
I've just signed up for a match.com account, although I lack any photos of me from within the past 10 years (I'll get some professionally done). Do you think that my situation will be an issue for meeting a potential new partner? There are many times when I feel like an absolute failure, but I don't think there's anything I could've done differently. Do you think I might be seen as a creepy, philandering cheat? Do you think any potential new partner will have issues with my attention and time having to be sometimes be split between responsibilities?
Well -- how do you feel about John Edwards the politician and his affair when his wife had cancer? Yes, many will see you as a creepy philandering cheat - but if your wife does not, it's really between the two of you.
Or put the situation in the reverse, if you were ill and your wife was out fooling around with whatever guys out there, how would you view that?
I do that at least every 2 weekends. The number of seniors simply abandoned makes me sick to the stomach and I wanna pounce on the perpetrators as I see them
My mom on her own started visiting local nursing homes every week just to talk and chat to people. It's amazing how many of these old folks have no one come to visit them or care at all about them.
For the OP, I couldn't put myself in his shoes, but to me abandoning the wife isn't the thing to do. All I heard in the top post was "what about me?". Well when you get married you take on that responsibility of your partner. If you want to have sex, well there are options out there, but hitting the town on match.com while still being married and having an incapacitated wife sounds shallow to me. Sure go out and have fun and live a decent live, but there is also having a degree of respect for others. And learn about something called empathy.
It seems to me people always want the good times but when the bad comes they beat feet.
SuperK, I know your situation from the CLT forum and my heart breaks for you...
The way I see it and, of course, I'm going to get total slack for it but here it goes anyway:
Your wife is dying. She can no longer be a wife to you in any capacity except on paper. You have totally been there for her in everyway possible. You're wife is very, very lucky that you have even stayed to this point. A lot of men would have bailed way before now. If you have blessings from her and everyone else that you feel is necessary to have a clear consicence to sleep at night then you do what you must. Life is short and it's not 100% fair that knowing there is no other outcome than death or complete disabilitlity that you should have to live your life without happiness especially if your wife gives you her blessings. Now obviously, there's no reason to give her any information regarding your "new" life and I would obviously expect you to be there for her to some capacity. You never know that you may meet someone that can make you happy, can meet your wife and your wife will die knowing that you took very good care of her until the end and that you will have someone to take care of you till your end..
I wish you the very best and if you need to vent or talk, DM me...
Wow, you are in an incredibly difficult situation. I'm sure your emotions are all over the place right now in addition to being lonely. Here's my take on it...
You married your wife and although it has been a difficult and painful road these past few years. You can't give up on her now. It's not over. I could not imagine the level of guilt I would feel if my spouse of so many years was lying there, dying and I was out dating. And if she were to pass with this knowledge, would you ever know if she was truely ok with it or just saying it to not hurt your feelings. However, she went to her grave betrayed by the one she loved for so many years.
Most women with any character about them would realize the situation you are in and offer friendship, companionship but not in a sexual way. You can still live life and be a faithful husband to the end.
Do right by your wife and you will never have to wonder or regret your decisions. Best wishes to you during this difficult time.
You have already made your decision and I really don't think you asked in this thread if what you have decided is right. You asked if it will be an issue. The answer: YES!
I'm more than a little sad that you are hearing judgements and opinions on your decision here.......
Probably, yes. Especially if you are still married, regardless of your wife's medical situation, you're married and that basically says to women 'marriage is off the table'.
It will take the right person to understand that what you are doing is not cheating and is just moving on. It won't be easy and it may take time, but there are people out there who will at least understand.
The piece is about Alzheimer's, and halfway into it the journalist reveals that the women in the profile is his wife, and that he has recently begun seeing someone. I get it. His wife doesn't recognize him. He still cares for her, financially and emotionally, but theirs is hardly a marriage. . It's the same thing for the OP. As long as he's there for his wife in the ways that it counts, I wouldn't fault anyone for looking for seeking companionship elsewhere.
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Listen to your inner voice
