Should I stay or should I go? (dating, boyfriend, women)

[awarity]

Here's the situation.

* 10 year age diff (I'm 39, she's 29)
* Dating for 7 weeks (see each other 1-2 times/week - busy schedules, personal/alone time important to both of us)
* Sex on date #5 (~3 weeks in)
* I bring up exclusivity then and she pushes back saying she's enjoying being single for the time-being.
* Lots of consistent affection and tenderness both ways (including PDA)
* Regular, fantastic sex with comments both ways of intense feeling
* Gift giving from both of us
* Plenty of deep, connecting conversations, asking about family, etc.

A 3rd party: She has been "seeing" (not "dating" according to her) a friend of a friend who's quite smitten (she's told me about their evenings out and I've seen other evidence as well) and she's enjoying the attention and he's getting more time with her over the last few weeks but she claims to not be attracted to him and just having fun with a friend.

Last weekend on Friday night, right after she bought me a gift while we were out and then came back to my place for physical activity, as she's leaving she says "we need to talk" and "this is really hard to say but, I feel like things have gotten really serious you know I need my own time for myself and I really want to stay single". I ask if she still wants to see each other and she gives me an enthusiastic yes. I ask if she wants to date other people and she says no. I tell her that I do want a regular relationship but that I can see she's not there. I tell her we can keep seeing each other as is, because honestly I'm really enjoying it, despite not having the full relationship.

The trouble with all of these "facts" is that women can/do change their mind on a whim and don't always say what they mean in a way that boneheaded men like myself can figure out.

Is she generally losing interest due to my weeks of boyfriendiness? I've really tried to tone it down b/c I knew she pushed back initially on the "exclusivity" I mentioned. I showed a bit of jealousy over this friend of a friend at one point and I'm generally very expressive in the way I relate to her - potentially coming on a bit strong, but no crazy number of communications during the week via phone or text or the "L word" or any of that crap. Just basically telling her I think she's great and I like her lots.

Does she want to continue "seeing me" or is that just one of those ways of letting me down easy during that first confronting "talk"?

Is she really not dating anyone else or want to?

What I can't reconcile is her clear interest in me and spending time with me (however little), her open (PDA) affection, thoughtfulness (gift giving), great sex right up to the moment of "this is getting too serious". Maybe she just wants to keep me at arm's length but keep me? A commitment-phobic woman seems like a unicorn to me, but maybe it's more common (these days)?

All these questions are mostly rhetorical since I'm sure it's hard for anyone here to figure out if I can't and I was there.

But this has been somewhat therapeutic anyway to write down and if anyone has any insight they might share, maybe being the man or the woman in this situation, I'd love to hear. This situation is usually reversed with the guy pushing back on commitment/exclusivity.

[sierraAZ]

You sound like a decent, smart, and sensitive guy. Why in the world would you choose to waste your time with a woman like that?! THAT hot or what?

[Currency Pair Crocodile]

Yep, smart imbeciles set themselves up for trophies

[RedJohn]

There is only one way to find out :

Ask her...!

There is going to be people here that are going to give you advise and you may even ask people that you know in real life that might happen to also know her and they are going to tell you "give it time, if it's meant to happen, it'll happen" or maybe they'll say "Heck yeah, move on" but no one can tell you but her, because she is the one dealing with the emotions. Be upfront and ask her (Politely, of course ) where she wants to take the relationship to. If she wants to take it to the next level, she will tell you; if she wants to cool it off a bit, she will tell you too; either way, hopefully you will be left out of the dark, but you'll then know what approach to take. If you expect to have a real relationship (And not only with her -- this also applies to other women) you have to express your feelings. key word: Communication

Good luck...!

[PassTheChocolate]

I'm a little confused, she told you about this guy she's been out with? If so, what "other evidence" is relevant if it's not a secret?

You stated you brought up exclusivity before and she told you she wanted to remain single. At this point, it sounds like she does enjoy being with you, but wants to make sure it is still understood that things shouldn't get too out of hand. And if she wants to remain single, she is free to see other people.

Now, she has told you twice about wanting to stay single. And if she is sensing that things are getting serious (even if she is giving in to it to some degree), she is certainly recognizing it on your end. This may be why she won't own up to actually being involved with someone else, she may think it will hurt you. I'm not saying it's right, but I can understand it. What IS important is that she is not trying to lead you to believe she wants a commitment with you.

You need to decide if this is something you can handle or want to deal with.

[awarity]

Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate

I'm a little confused, she told you about this guy she's been out with? If so, what "other evidence" is relevant if it's not a secret?

Yeah, at least at first, I think she was genuinely concerned about what I thought about it. Almost showing "exclusivity" concern even though she said she didn't want that. She even asked if I minded her seeing this person, to which I said no, of course not. Since though, she has told me that he's interested (I asked), though she claims not to be, and I've seen gifts of his at her place and she continues to see him. I think it's obvious she enjoys his company and/or likes the attention, but what are HER intentions? She could have changed her mind now and now things are weird, despite her initial openness to me about it. You can see my confusion. Mixed-messages galore. At 39 this doesn't get any easier, I'm afraid.

You stated you brought up exclusivity before and she told you she wanted to remain single. At this point, it sounds like she does enjoy being with you, but wants to make sure it is still understood that things shouldn't get too out of hand. And if she wants to remain single, she is free to see other people.

Yes that seems very likely, but sometimes "I want to stay single" means "I'm done with you, don't you get the hint?". I just need to ask her for more clarification without coming across like a needy idiot.

I've continually asked her if she wants to date other people and she says no. She just wants her "own time". Again, it's hard to say if this actually means "date other people" or not. i have to assume not until I hear otherwise.

Now, she has told you twice about wanting to stay single. And if she is sensing that things are getting serious (even if she is giving in to it to some degree), she is certainly recognizing it on your end. This may be why she won't own up to actually being involved with someone else, she may think it will hurt you. I'm not saying it's right, but I can understand it. What IS important is that she is not trying to lead you to believe she wants a commitment with you.

You need to decide if this is something you can handle or want to deal with.

I hope I can get a straight answer from her. I feel like I want to trust her very much, but I feel like I'm not hearing the whole story, which is often the case in situations like this.

I'm going to talk to her this week sometime and ask for more clarification on what she said and tell her I like what we have going and am happy to keep things casual with her. As I've already made clear my desire for a more full-time relationship (with her, but in general), I'm going to tell her I'm going to start dating other women and that if anything develops with any of those other women (physically), I'll immediately let her know - I'm not comfortable sleeping with multiple people at the same time.

I think that should work nicely, save face, keep things hot and heavy (as I'm not begging for her on my terms) and leave both our options open. And who knows, if I (and she) are lucky we might just pick one another down the road.

[TKramar]

For me, exclusivity is paramount--even from the first meeting. I give her the respect of exclusivity, I should be entitled to the same respect.

If she wants to "see" other people, then she no longer needs to see me.

[dvcgal]

If she's told you she enjoys being single, then I would leave it at that and not push a relationship! Girls, which she sounds like she is a girl~ not a woman, like to have men chase them around and play head games! I would leave it be for a while a not bring up the relationship thing, if you can deal with that. If you truly want a relationship and can't wait for her to come around, then leave.

[MattB4]

You are dating a Good time girl. Believe nothing she tells you and enjoy the ride. If you need more exclusivity you will need to find some other gal.

[skel1977]

sex with a girl 10 years younger than you that wants no relationship commitment. I dont see the problem?