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As a single guy who is closer to 40 than 30, and have mostly always been single, I have been thinking a lot lately about my future regarding relationships and kids.
A little background:
As an adult I have had a total of 1 relationship that lasted about 6 months. I mostly have preferred FWB or one night stands which come easily for me. I have always been an independent man, and probably selfish. I really don't have a career or anything, but can take off and travel whenever I please, and live how i want to live, which I like.
At times, I really want companionship, and think it would be cool to have a kid, but then I go the complete opposite, and focus on the things I like. I have always been a bit of a lone wolf.
Since I am also not settled in life, I also think I should focus on getting my own stuff together, rather than add more people into the mix.
However, I am getting older, and if I am going to have a kid, it needs to happen before I am 40, because I don't want to be in my mid 50s to 60s raising one. So I have been thinking about this a lot more.
I don't really have a question, unless other guys have had similar ides.
However, I am getting older, and if I am going to have a kid, it needs to happen before I am 40, because I don't want to be in my mid 50s to 60s raising one. So I have been thinking about this a lot more.
The other side is the risk of fathering a child after 40. The rates for developmental issues increase significantly when the parents (men and women) are over age of 40, and there are studies out there suggesting that an older man fathering children could impact mental development even if the mother is younger.
Very, VERY honestly... as an early 30's single parent of a younger child ... If you don't know or question your ability to commit to another person for the long haul of raising a child - both to the child and to the mother of the child because she really does need help - please don't entertain this idea. If you like the ability to do what you want whenever you want, the responsibility of both a relationship and a child will box you in, and it has disaster written all over it.
You really need to do some hard thinking about what you want out of life. Do you want kids because you want kids or do you want kids because that's what society has drummed into your head that you do as an adult? Reason I ask is because growing up I was always like okay go to college for business because thats what my dad did and because thats what people do if you wanna make money and I did that as opposed to going into teaching or other things I may have wanted to do. I see many friends getting married and having kids who really aren't happy I dont think but who are going along with the blueprint of what the 30 something male has to do. Reaosn I ask is because you weren't like yea I wanna have kids but I guess that might be cool.
I recently turned 30 and kinda feeling like I shoudl start settling down but havn't found anyone I really love or trust to do that with.
Having a kid is not something you check off a list.
It is not a thing you HAVE to do, and it is NOT something you do because, "well, it's now or never."
If you already know that you tend to be self-centered, and you do not prefer to make even one longstanding attachment to a woman, you should not even think about having a child.
I think it is important to find out why you have only had a single 6 month long relationship in your life. It has nothing to do with how old you are, because really, plenty of people live life without relationships. What I find interesting is for someone who can easily get ONS's and FWB's, should have the type of personality to find a relationship. From what you say, I think you just don't want one. Are any of those FWB's unavailable? Are they married, or with a BF? Maybe you choose women who just got out of a long term relationship, making them emotionally unavailable. Do you choose career women who work too hard, or maybe you like single mothers, who can't spend too much time from their kids. If you take a look at the types of women you have been with, I bet they were all emotionally,financially, or logistically unavailable.
There is no reason that choosing to live life independently is bad. Maybe you have been surrounded by people who were hurt by relationships. Because of what you saw, you have subconsciously put up walls to protect yourself from being emotionally hurt. Hey nothing to be ashamed of, it's natural to want to protect yourself. But if you can find out why you are not making yourself available, you will better understand if making changes will be worth the risk.
Well, it's not that I am checking it off a list. As I said in my OP, I have a desire for both a relationship and a kid ... sometimes. I do like kids in general.
I think it is important to find out why you have only had a single 6 month long relationship in your life. It has nothing to do with how old you are, because really, plenty of people live life without relationships. What I find interesting is for someone who can easily get ONS's and FWB's, should have the type of personality to find a relationship. From what you say, I think you just don't want one. Are any of those FWB's unavailable? Are they married, or with a BF? Maybe you choose women who just got out of a long term relationship, making them emotionally unavailable. Do you choose career women who work too hard, or maybe you like single mothers, who can't spend too much time from their kids. If you take a look at the types of women you have been with, I bet they were all emotionally,financially, or logistically unavailable.
There is no reason that choosing to live life independently is bad. Maybe you have been surrounded by people who were hurt by relationships. Because of what you saw, you have subconsciously put up walls to protect yourself from being emotionally hurt. Hey nothing to be ashamed of, it's natural to want to protect yourself. But if you can find out why you are not making yourself available, you will better understand if making changes will be worth the risk.
You are correct. I can find relationships, I just tend not to stick with it. There have been a few that have lasted a few months, and yes, every woman I date is unavailable in some way.
The FWBs range from much younger women, career women, and single mothers my age and older. None were married or had BFs
Kids are a HUGE responsibility, tend to tie a person down, and are 24/7. Especially in the first year, they're pretty literally 24/7. So think about that before you decide to take that leap. It seems like too big a one for someone who hasn''t even maintained a relationship with an adult for more than 6 months.
You are correct. I can find relationships, I just tend not to stick with it. There have been a few that have lasted a few months, and yes, every woman I date is unavailable in some way.
The FWBs range from much younger women, career women, and single mothers my age and older. None were married or had BFs
I sing that same tune brother, I do the very same thing, for me I will be with someone and I always wonder if the grass is greener, so I move one. I love the hunt, the chase, and score, I am sure you enjoy the same thing.
I'm 42, and I will tell you something. At 33 I was having the same thoughts you have. I didn't think it out, and got married. And because of my own desperate need to live the American dream, I made a rash decision, and married someone who I didn't really love, I've loved other women more, but they weren't available. It wasn't fair to my ex, and it wasn't fair to me. If it happens, it will happen, if you force it, or make timelines, you will only give yourself grief. Make the best life that you can, don't think that anything less than the socially defined happiness, is inferior to that. Imagine what you can do with all the money you save....and really, with the way you chose women, you will more than likely have a daughter, who was wild, with a 36DD chest in 8th grade. You will have many sleepless nights, hoping that your decision to get her on the pill at 13 was a good one!
There are plenty of children being born to the wrong parents, until that fact becomes a thing of the past, people shouldn't have babies.
Last edited by 1w0n; 07-05-2014 at 04:47 PM..
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