Divorcing After 27 years - so much pain (marriages, men, husband)
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I'm sorry for your circumstance too. I've been there and I wouldn't hold any hope that she will stay. This inbetween stage can last an indeterminate amount of time. Best to get yourself seperated emotionally and find out what financial steps you need to take like making sure you're off her credit cards for responsibility. Pull a credit report asap for balances.
Disentangling after so many years is like pulling a wad of cobwebs off you one at a time. You'll go through the stages that a person goes through upon a death starting with shock at the situation. If she is hellbent on her bucket list chances are she will quit her job and move so I would advise you to wait and keep yours. You might not have to experience that akwardness of both working at the same place. One thing that is a big shocker for both parties is the added expense in living. Two incomes make a difference. Usually both have to downsize.
I found it very helpful and made a lot of new friends with both men and women who had been through this before. Many have, and that's where I got both my best advise and understanding. My X also had a sort of unwinding after my father's death who was a steading influence on him. Best wishes to you. PS- a bit of pampering for you is inorder.
A friend of mine who divorced his wife said it's not a clean cut but an uneven ripping and tearing, leaving jagged and dangling pieces. That's pretty much what this is feeling like to me. I am feeling the need to be around people and I've noticed that cold spot in my chest goes away when I'm not home and comes back when I'm near her.
She's gotten into astrology and fancies herself a free Sagittarius who flits creatively from project to project. The reality is she spends like a drunken sailor, thinks only of herself and never finishes what she starts.
I'm starting therapy up again on Monday. I did it for 7 years in the 80s to get over the child abuse issues, but I do see that I need to find a way to get on top of these huge feelings. I don't like waking up in a panic at 3 in the morning. And I don't like being jerked around.
Leave or stay, make up your damn mind. But I know her well enough to know that she won't do that. She cannot stand being the bad guy. Last night she said she told the kids "I will never file for divorce." It didn't hit me until I woke up this morning what she was saying.
Maybe I'll be lucky and get hit by a drunk driver. Life really sucks.
In all this chaos make sure you are keeping a journal. Everything she says, does.
You will need this as she is emotionally harming your children.
Notice I said your children. Get some legal advice, she has addictive problems. You will need full custody.
Sorry for your troubles. I am very happily married but if my husband was on this tangent, well me and mine would be in another country by now. Take action. Mourn later.
Good luck and god bless you.
I know what you mean about waking up in a panic. I had about three or four equally horrendous things going on at the same time as my divorce and mine was a doosey. I use to bolt out of bed from a dead sleep into a fully standing position in the middle of the night. For months I played a Nat King Cole CD over and over and over just to get me through the day. Music was the only thing that kept me sort of in reality.
You're going to have to go back and forth between letting out emotion and being strong with your own plans. Put up a mental block so she doesn't hurt you emotionally like someone you would ignore at the grocery store. Start finding out what you need to do and imagining what you want your new life to look like, a new apt, new friends. You might want to suggest that the two of you put your house on the market for sale right now. That way you'll both only be responsible for your own rent and might walk away with a few dollars, better than one having to support the other in the house. And start a vitamin regimine. The stress can easily make you sick.
You will get through this. It will hurt like hell, it will be confusing and maddening, but you will come out the other side.
Don't deny or repress your feelings.
It takes two to make a marriage, and if she's out of it, you can't do it by yourself. Maybe it was something you did. Maybe it wasn't. That doesn't matter, because her mind is somewhere else in another life now.
You've obviously been very brave in your life. Summon that courage and forge ahead. You can do it.
Sorry for all you're going through. In addition to what's already been said, I do recommend, as you mentioned, that you get some individual counseling. You mentioned you had done so in the past but if you happen to need the name of a good counselor and you are in the Dallas area, I know one I highly recommend. Just send me a dm. (just thought you might be in this area since you posted a link from Dallas Morning News.)
I suppose you will hit every emotion possible. It's normal.
However, you have to be tough, strong and determined to remain that way.
She may leave and then realize how stupid she is and want to come back. Don't let her.
Seriously, I would have never given her that option. "You leave that lock it changed and you are gone along with all 27 years of memories."
Why do I say this? Cause you are allowing her to use you as a door mat. Wipe your feet whenever. Don't let her do this. Would be like a parent continuing to bail their kid out of trouble.
Sorry for all the pain. I know you will be alright. It's just not going to feel like that will ever happen at your current state.
This bored crap is stupid. Like you are not exciting or something. Thrill me! Please. All those things are a bunch of garbage. Let her go if that is going to make her happy.
I do not think you are a wuss...life as you knew it changed overnight. I know it is a material thing but in no way should YOU leave your home. You need a lawyer and you need to take care of yourself. I would first close out some accounts where both your names are on them and have one in your name...before the separation.
She wants a new life let her go find out how to do that without all the benefits you have provided her and let her get herself out of financial problems.
I wish you the best in this painful journey and so sorry this has happened to you. I am assuming that you are approx the same age and you should be enjoying your 50's.
Yes I'm in Dallas and I'm 48. Not bad looking, losing weight on the divorce diet helps. I am working out again, I used to be in great shape before the depression hit. Today's a day I'm determined not to think too far ahead. When I do that, that's when I get overwhelmed.
I don't think I'll ever know the answer, but I'm left now wondering who is it I've been married to for 27 years? Were the first 24 or so years all a sham, a lie and this selfish self-centered woman was there all the time? Or did she change?
And if she changed, then why?
In retrospect the mistake I made was marrying such an immature woman. At 27 she should have been out on her own. I thought I knew her inside and out, I really did and because of my childhood I really check people out. I've always thought I had a killer BS detector. Now I'm thinking maybe not so much.
A friend of mine who divorced his wife said it's not a clean cut but an uneven ripping and tearing, leaving jagged and dangling pieces. That's pretty much what this is feeling like to me. I am feeling the need to be around people and I've noticed that cold spot in my chest goes away when I'm not home and comes back when I'm near her.
She's gotten into astrology and fancies herself a free Sagittarius who flits creatively from project to project. The reality is she spends like a drunken sailor, thinks only of herself and never finishes what she starts.
I'm starting therapy up again on Monday. I did it for 7 years in the 80s to get over the child abuse issues, but I do see that I need to find a way to get on top of these huge feelings. I don't like waking up in a panic at 3 in the morning. And I don't like being jerked around.
Leave or stay, make up your damn mind. But I know her well enough to know that she won't do that. She cannot stand being the bad guy. Last night she said she told the kids "I will never file for divorce." It didn't hit me until I woke up this morning what she was saying.
Maybe I'll be lucky and get hit by a drunk driver. Life really sucks.
Just be aware H, she may be setting you up (consciously or unconsciously) to be the bad guy with your kids so that she won't lose them (a relationship with them) when she moves on to her bohemian lifestyle. (it's a self-centered survival kind of thing)
You need to be as upfront with them as is appropriate about her choices and how much you disagree with them. Do not let her use them against you, even when she's not doing it on purpose.
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