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Nearly 3 weeks ago my wife of 27 years told me that she was in a midlife crisis and although I've been loving, kind, and a good provider she was bored with me and wants out of the marriage. She said she went from her father's house to my house, never mind the fact that I did too. We were both naive virgins when we married in 1983.
She said this has been building in her for the past 3 years. I feel so stupid now for not noticing sooner. I'm completely blindsided. I knew things were not as good as they once were, for 20-24 we were really, really close sharing everything with each. I'm a survivor of child abuse and N was there during my recovery and therapy. It's so hard for me to trust because of my childhood experiences, but finally I began to trust her. Now I can't help but feel that trust has been betrayed.
She put us in bankruptcy in 2005 with $73,000 in credit card charges. In 2008 I found out she had taken out some secret cards and charged up another $20,000. I took over control of all finances, which is one of her complaints against me now. A month ago she wanted separate bank accounts for "her" money.
I was laid off in 2009, but luckily I am very good friends with the managing partner of her firm and she approached me, not my wife, about a job. I took it, mainly because there was literally nothing else, but took a 50% pay cut from $76,000 to $41,000. Whereas before we were either equal in pay or I made just a bit more, now my wife makes twice my salary and she has come to look down on me. She has told me she has lost respect for me.
I have known her for 30 years and excepting the past few month, she was the single kindest person I have ever met. Now she is distant, overly friendly, overly happy and will not talk about anything other than small talk. She refused marriage counseling. What's weird though is I approached her last week and told her if she wanted a trial separation why not move in with one of her girlfriends and see what it's like to be on her own, no kids no hubby and see if this is what she really wants. But she refused that as well.
I'm left thinking that what she really wants is her current life, current house but me out of the picture. I'm feeling so sad and so scared. I've never dated anyone but N and I'm completely blown away by all this. When we're in bed at night all I can think about is how much I'm going to miss having someone next to me.
I don't know what I did wrong. I don't understand why this is happening. I hurt so bad. How long does this much pain last?
I read an interesting article in the Dallas Morning News over the weekend that pegs my wife perfectly:
I'm sorry about your situation and the pain it is causing you. You've probably done nothing wrong, but I have seen this happen to other couples with similar histories.
Right now, my advice is to get a good lawyer now to protect your interests, however this turns out. Given her past financial indiscretions, you may be in for more rude surprises in that area. I also think there is a good chance she has been seeing someone else, so prepare yourself for that possibility. Don't fall into the trap of trying to date at this time - it will most likely cause additional problems and confusion. Let the situation resolve first.
In the short term, your focus should be keeping yourself sane and stable, and getting through this. You may want to consider counselling for yourself alone - it can help. Eventually, though, you will get past this, and the pain will fade. You may well find that you're even happier - but that could take a couple of years. In my case, I ended up far happier than I ever was with my ex.
Wow, I wish I had some sound advice. Your story is so heartbreaking and I kinda know how it feels as I had an 8 year relationship end abruptly with someone I thought I was going to marry.
One, you shouldn't feel like wuss. Her looking down on you for making less is petty and quite frankly, stupid. Everybody on this board knows how crappy the job market is and if you are fortunate enough to get another job making that much, I think that is a great accomplishment. Its a shame that instead of her making the best of things, she's choosing to have this attitude. I also am taking a large pay cut by taking my new job but after 18 month, I am thrilled to be staying employed. A caring person would be more supportive and understanding.
I cant see what her deal is but it does sound like she wants to experience life on her own. Its too bad she won't consider a separation first or even counseling.
I wish I had advice, The only thing I can say is consider getting counseling for yourself. Maybe you should talk these things out with someone to help with the pain and frustration.
It happens. Just try to find ways to fill the void - find new friends, new activities.
Often divorce for the spouse who doesn't want the divorce is worse then the death of a spouse. No one understands the grieving the injured spouse must endure. Still - you just have to move on. One phase of your life has ended and you must pick up the pieces and move on.
Boy am I sorry to read about your current situation, actually brings tears to my eyes. Currently I'm not in the best mental health to provide advice, but I will tell you this... it's not your fault and things will improve given time. You are probably feeling sick and are unable to eat, trust me I know. Reach out to a couple of your close friends to talk. This web is really filled with people who actually care, you'll see. I was given the words, that a long time marriage ending like this is very much like dealing with a death, takes a lot of time. Good Luck to you, God Bless you!
Boy am I sorry to read about your current situation, actually brings tears to my eyes. Currently I'm not in the best mental health to provide advice, but I will tell you this... it's not your fault and things will improve given time. You are probably feeling sick and are unable to eat, trust me I know. Reach out to a couple of your close friends to talk. This web is really filled with people who actually care, you'll see. I was given the words, that a long time marriage ending like this is very much like dealing with a death, takes a lot of time. Good Luck to you, God Bless you!
Oh geez I am so sorry for you as well. I literally just finished reading your thread. It's always been easier for me to see others rather than myself and I can say in your situation you are not at fault as well.
And yeah food is next to impossible, which is the only positive because I've lost 14 pounds. But sleep is really tough, I don't know about you but I've been waking up at 2 or 3 and sometimes I just go ahead and come into work rather than lay there with my heart in my throat.
I guess I could feel better if I could understand what happened. How and why could a woman who had been so close to me for so long turn so cold? Where did the love go? Was it all a lie?
I've got an appointment with a lawyer on Monday. I really want this to be as amicable as possible. I don't care one whit about stuff. Stupid question though -- what is shared parenting? I saw this on your thread and I don't know what that means exactly. Is that 6 months with me and 6 months with her? Weeks with her and weekends with me?
She's said her heart's desire is to be a painter and a poet and live the bohemian life in California or Provence, France. Never mind she doesn't speak French. And bless her heart, she's not a good artist. I tried to encourage her in doing it, and I never told her, but the paintings aren't good.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Sounds like you guys married young and she feels like she's missing out on experiencing life (i.e. other guys). I feel sorry for people who don't realize the true value of what they have......they choose temporary contentment over enduring love and support.
I don't know if your wife will snap out of it, but if she refuses a trial separation or counseling there's really not much you can do. Becoming clingy/desperate etc will only condemn you in her eyes, so it's best to just let the bird fly free.
Just getting over my first heart break I can tell you what I experienced;
The pain will be bad. You just have to take it day by day. And literally even that sometimes in hard. More like hour by hour. People will tell you to get out into the world and distract yourself and be strong, but for me I had to do the complete opposite. I closed myself off and really grieved. For 8 months! I think I cried straight for those 8 months and was a walking vombie. And while you are going through it, it will feel like you are going to die and things will never get better.... but they do. In time.
I grieved the loss of love, the loss of that person, and the loss of the life we shared. It sucked. But for me, it had to be done. I literally felt like that person had died. And in a way, they had.
My advice for you is feel everything you have to feel. You will have bad days and really bad days and eventually you might have a good day here and there. But just feel. Let all emotions out. Even if you feel like a big wuss and emotional wreck, It really helps you get through it quicker. And then there are no pent up emotions. Nothing is left, you released all the toxic. That is when you will begin to heal. Trust me, if you try to stuff emotion and not deal with it, it will eventually rear its head again and you will have to deal with it at a later date. So just feel, deal and release. Also, self help books really helped me because I got so down on myself. Positive self talk helps.
You did nothing wrong. This isn't about you. It is about your wife and her decision. You can't control other people. You can only control yourself. Work on yourself to become a better person. Hang in there. Life moves on and so will you.
Nearly 3 weeks ago my wife of 27 years told me that she was in a midlife crisis and although I've been loving, kind, and a good provider she was bored with me and wants out of the marriage. She said she went from her father's house to my house, never mind the fact that I did too. We were both naive virgins when we married in 1983.
She said this has been building in her for the past 3 years. I feel so stupid now for not noticing sooner. I'm completely blindsided. I knew things were not as good as they once were, for 20-24 we were really, really close sharing everything with each. I'm a survivor of child abuse and N was there during my recovery and therapy. It's so hard for me to trust because of my childhood experiences, but finally I began to trust her. Now I can't help but feel that trust has been betrayed.
She put us in bankruptcy in 2005 with $73,000 in credit card charges. In 2008 I found out she had taken out some secret cards and charged up another $20,000. I took over control of all finances, which is one of her complaints against me now. A month ago she wanted separate bank accounts for "her" money.
I was laid off in 2009, but luckily I am very good friends with the managing partner of her firm and she approached me, not my wife, about a job. I took it, mainly because there was literally nothing else, but took a 50% pay cut from $76,000 to $41,000. Whereas before we were either equal in pay or I made just a bit more, now my wife makes twice my salary and she has come to look down on me. She has told me she has lost respect for me.
I have known her for 30 years and excepting the past few month, she was the single kindest person I have ever met. Now she is distant, overly friendly, overly happy and will not talk about anything other than small talk. She refused marriage counseling. What's weird though is I approached her last week and told her if she wanted a trial separation why not move in with one of her girlfriends and see what it's like to be on her own, no kids no hubby and see if this is what she really wants. But she refused that as well.
I'm left thinking that what she really wants is her current life, current house but me out of the picture. I'm feeling so sad and so scared. I've never dated anyone but N and I'm completely blown away by all this. When we're in bed at night all I can think about is how much I'm going to miss having someone next to me.
I don't know what I did wrong. I don't understand why this is happening. I hurt so bad. How long does this much pain last?
I read an interesting article in the Dallas Morning News over the weekend that pegs my wife perfectly:
Divorce never brings out the best in anyone, and usually you'll see each other with fresher eyes than you've ever had before - DO NOT give in to the anger and hate that new view might inspire in you! Doing so will only increase your suffering and make things worse for your kids.
Hindsight is 20/20 - once you get a little further into this thing your vision will become clearer and what you both did "wrong" will be more obvious.
It is normal to feel like a wuss, any man in your situation would, but don't dwell on it or beat yourself up over it.
Lonliness will not kill you, don't let the fear of it keep you from moving on, or from moving on too quickly with someone else.
In short, breathe. Then eat. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself lots of time to just adjust and grieve. There will be light at the end of this tunnel, I promise, you just have to hang on tight and push thru the pain. I am so sorry for your loss.
Just getting over my first heart break I can tell you what I experienced;
Thanks. This is mine as well. It sounds so cliched but I had no idea it hurt this much. I've listened to friends over the years and tried to be empathetic and listen but I remember telling my wife of all the problems I had in this life, at least that's one we won't have. Damn.
Quote:
Originally Posted by leatherchaps
The pain will be bad. You just have to take it day by day. And literally even that sometimes in hard. More like hour by hour. People will tell you to get out into the world and distract yourself and be strong, but for me I had to do the complete opposite. I closed myself off and really grieved. For 8 months! I think I cried straight for those 8 months and was a walking vombie. And while you are going through it, it will feel like you are going to die and things will never get better.... but they do. In time.
Yesterday I thought I was okay, that I could do this. This morning I don't know how I can. I'm sorry for what you went through. Truly. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I am someone who rarely cries and yet I can't seem to stop the past 2 weeks. I don't know what to think about god/the universe/whatever, but I've prayed again and again to die. I'm not suicidal in any way but the idea of an unfeeling oblivion sounds good.
Quote:
Originally Posted by leatherchaps
I grieved the loss of love, the loss of that person, and the loss of the life we shared. It sucked. But for me, it had to be done. I literally felt like that person had died. And in a way, they had.
That's it. That's it exactly. She was the love of my life, and it truly has felt as though she died. But I still hear her voice, I still see her body, but that kind, loving woman who smiled at me with such affection is gone replaced by an admitted selfish person interested in living out fantasies before she dies. She's 55 and scared of her own mortality. She says there are so many things she wants to do before she dies, but she won't tell me what they are. I don't know this woman.
Quote:
Originally Posted by leatherchaps
My advice for you is feel everything you have to feel. You will have bad days and really bad days and eventually you might have a good day here and there. But just feel. Let all emotions out. Even if you feel like a big wuss and emotional wreck, It really helps you get through it quicker. And then there are no pent up emotions. Nothing is left, you released all the toxic. That is when you will begin to heal. Trust me, if you try to stuff emotion and not deal with it, it will eventually rear its head again and you will have to deal with it at a later date. So just feel, deal and release. Also, self help books really helped me because I got so down on myself. Positive self talk helps.
I'm trying to stay in the moment, to let myself feel. But god almighty nothing I've ever been through hurts this badly. Not even confronting my parents about their abuse, not even facing some of the hideous and humiliating things they did to me. And as I type that all I can remember my wife was there, standing by me. I can't remember anything for the past 30 years that she wasn't a part of.
You said it took 8 months, I can't imagine feeling this way or surviving for 8 months. I'm on such a swing almost hour by hour.
Quote:
Originally Posted by leatherchaps
You did nothing wrong. This isn't about you. It is about your wife and her decision. You can't control other people. You can only control yourself. Work on yourself to become a better person. Hang in there. Life moves on and so will you.
Mutual friends have said this to me, and I thank you. I'm not a saint, I know I made mistakes. I know after I lost my job I shut down and pushed everyone away. I own that, and I own the other flaws she's cheerfully pointed out lately. A buddy of mine said to me that I could have been Jesus Christ and this would still be happening.
It's just hard to wrap my mind around how or why someone changes so drastically.
Do you have a fast forward button for life where I can skip ahead a year or two and just get out of feeling all this?
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