Losing Your Sense of Self in a Relationship (wife, boyfriend, how to)

[DennyCrane]

I was reading an article this morning about a man whose wife died recently of cancer. He was a retired attorney who was married for over 30 years, had one child and two grandchildren. The article when on to talk about how the man felt lost following his wife's death. He was used to seeing himself as a husband, a father, a lawyer. But now that his wife was gone, his son was grown up with a life of his own, and he was no longer practicing as an attorney, he felt like he didn't know who he was anymore.

Have you ever found yourself losing sight of who you are and feeling like the way you see yourself has become more defined in terms of your spouse, your kids, etc.? If you divorced or your partner passed away or your kids moved out, were you able to retain your sense of self? Or did you find yourself struggling to see yourself as something other than a spouse, a parent, etc.? Do you think this is why some people are afraid to get into relationships, because they worry they'll cease being individuals?

[Ron.]

Hi Denny,

another insightful post from you. Always a pleasure to respond.


I want to focus on your last post and say that I am not sure if people even know how to be individuals to start with. I think many get into relationships because they have not developed any sort of identity for themselves.

I'm sure you've heard of folks that have children because "they wanted to be loved by someone"......same thing. They have not developed an identity neither therefore they live their lives through the children that they have.

What it boils down to is finding out who you are as a person and what makes you tick. I don't think people do that and therefore they don't develop identities to start with.

[andreaspercheron]

I had a similar story when my grandfather died. My grandmother spent about 50 years taking care of him, finally when he passed away my grandmother had to find out what she like, what she wanted to do, etc... At one point I asked her if she was relieved that he passed away and she admitted she was. I know it sounds horrible but for the past twenty years, she's done everything for him. He was one who never even learned how to write a check. She raised 7 kids, buried two of them, helped raise grandkids, buried one of them, etc...

She just needed to start over but actually welcomed it.

[WestCobb]

Is not knowing how to be an individual such a bad thing? Who are we if not the sum total of our relationships to others, Nature and God (which also goes by names such as Self, Absolute, etc.?)

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by Ron.

I want to focus on your last post and say that I am not sure if people even know how to be individuals to start with. I think many get into relationships because they have not developed any sort of identity for themselves.

I think this is a big reason why people who marry young end up divorcing. They haven't spent enough time figuring out who they are. A lot of them buy into the "you complete me" nonsense thinking they need another person to feel whole. They've also been brainwashed into thinking they can't be complete unless they have kids. I feel bad for the women who have to endure this message, as if there's something wrong with you for not wanting kids. Here's a novel thought. A person can be complete despite being single and childless. Imagine that.

[Whyte Byrd]

Originally Posted by WestCobb

Is not knowing how to be an individual such a bad thing? Who are we if not the sum total of our relationships to others, Nature and God (which also goes by names such as Self, Absolute, etc.?)

Good point. And I'm changing all the time in so many ways. After my 19 year marriage ended I felt lost--even though I wanted it to end. But I reinvented myself, I like to call it. Life is a journey where things are constantly changing, why not people?

[sierraAZ]

I don't know... Relationships certainly don't seem to thrive on so many amazingly defined selves. Perhaps they'll just become obsolete in favor of these perfect and well-rounded individuals provided with unconditional love by their lovely pets.

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd

Good point. And I'm changing all the time in so many ways. After my 19 year marriage ended I felt lost--even though I wanted it to end. But I reinvented myself, I like to call it. Life is a journey where things are constantly changing, why not people?

You can be complete and have a good sense of who you are and still be changing. But what if you haven't yet figured out who you are? Would you want to marry someone who's still wrestling with those questions?

[SifuPhil]

This is one of the reasons that philosophical Taoism has you spend so much time learning about and becoming comfortable with yourself - you come into the world alone, you die alone, and the in-betweens are filled with temporary relationships.

Defining yourself in terms of others - submerging your own identity and borrowing yet another wipe-off label such as "husband", "boyfriend" or "father" - are traps. Sure, you can wrap yourself in that label, but that label is NOT you - it's merely a role, one that often carries with it expectations and culturally-derived rules.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by SifuPhil

you come into the world alone, you die alone, and the in-betweens are filled with temporary relationships

It appears to be so... The situation probably was always the same, but economic needs concealed it somewhat in the past. In many cases children may be the exception to some extent.