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not with him. just trying to understand how he could do that and why he can't show remorse / say an apology.
If you keep yourself hemmed in with the "But .... whhhhyyyyy?" you will remained caged forever. The "whys" don't matter; that he treated you so poorly does. Understanding "why" won't change things. Trust me on this one. I was involved with a sociopath. I know "why" he did what he did to me and countless other women. But knowing "why" didn't make me feel any better -- getting away from him forever, OTOH, did. Ask yourself if you really want your life to be like a really bad "Melrose Place" rerun. If you don't, cut this guy out of your life. It's really easier than you think, once you abandon the need to know "why." His treatment is not a reflection of you personally. He'd do this to any woman. Take it to the bank.
Why can't he show remorse? Okay, I have the answer to the million-dollar question. He doesn't have any because ... he doesn't regret what he's done. The most obvious answer is usually the correct one. This is called Occam's Razor. Use it frequently.
Hes keeping your things for bargaining power to keep you coming back. It is a game, I've been with an abuser, so I'm speaking from some experience.
Did you read my previous post?
Sorry to hear you went through an abusive relationship? How did you overcome and move on from it?
I know it's easier said then done. My intellect tells me so but dealing with it, the questions / pondering why and how it happened still gets me. It is devastating. How can't the person say something.
If you keep yourself hemmed in with the "But .... whhhhyyyyy?" you will remained caged forever. The "whys" don't matter; that he treated you so poorly does. Understanding "why" won't change things. Trust me on this one. I was involved with a sociopath. I know "why" he did what he did to me and countless other women. But knowing "why" didn't make me feel any better -- getting away from him forever, OTOH, did. Ask yourself if you really want your life to be like a really bad "Melrose Place" rerun. If you don't, cut this guy out of your life. It's really easier than you think, once you abandon the need to know "why." His treatment is not a reflection of you personally. He'd do this to any woman. Take it to the bank.
Why can't he show remorse? Okay, I have the answer to the million-dollar question. He doesn't have any because ... he doesn't regret what he's done. The most obvious answer is usually the correct one. This is called Occam's Razor. Use it frequently.
I have stopped contact. It disgusts me to think he won't send me my things and even use them with someon else, etc ... but I know I have to stop thinking about it all.
I also don't get how this other girl would continue on with him knowing what she knows
The day he apologizes will be for manipulation and persuasion to benefit his agenda in some way, nothing more. Thats how they operate, so beware. Don't let your guard down and weaken, he has nothing to offer, unless you want a repeat of the past.
It would help you to read the Cycle of Abuse link I've posted.
Best Wishes
Yes, thank you. I read it and have been doing research on it. Kind of why I also blame myself for some abuse too. The verbal, which in turns emotional. He always got focused on that I was "cursing" at him rather then the content of why I was so upset and lashing out at him.
And guess I'm bothered by being so manipulated and fell for his drivel.
I'm thinking that he doesn't seem to realize what he's done and/or he thinks I am to blame and thinks he doesn't have a problem.
I recall telling him to get counseling. He asked me to go with which i thought sure if he can get help. it never happened.
Funny thing, about a week before this happened he did say he thought something was wrong with him.
As far as I know he's never done this. A few friends I spoke with, he wanted me to so it could help me trust him and believe he's a good person, all said he is. Including his last ex.
So something "broke the camel's back" and feel partially responsible. Is that right?
I have stopped contact. It disgusts me to think he won't send me my things and even use them with someon else, etc ... but I know I have to stop thinking about it all.
I also don't get how this other girl would continue on with him knowing what she knows
I can't offer that much advice, but I have been in the position of not understanding the "why" and wanting that closure. I never got it, but looking back it doesn't matter. Things happened the way they happened, it's over, and honestly, he did me a HUGE favor. The money he should have paid me back was a small price to pay for that favor!
You need to look out for yourself. The best thing you can do is try to just move on and forget about him. The other girl is not your responsibility. She alone will have to deal with the results of her choices.
So something "broke the camel's back" and (I) feel partially responsible. Is that right?
Why on earth you would feel even partially responsible is beyond me, as is why you would waste precious time trying to understand and find a reason for his actions, words and his self above all. You were manipulated by a classic manipulator and abused by a classic example of an abuser. Be thankful you got out after only two years - many women endure years of similarly escalating violent cycles and (and I'm not being dramatic) many ultimately lose their lives.
You are not responsible in any way, shape or form for his aberrant behavior. Poster Virgode has given you links and good advice. I'd suggest you also look for groups in your area which address abusive relationships. Even if you're in a rural area such groups might be available and, if not, connecting with an urban group even several miles away would be worth the effort. You need some help in order to understand that you are a victim and that this is not your fault.
I'm sorry you didn't report the assault as it might have saved some other woman going through the same thing in the future. He must have really enjoyed that one and the empowerment was a rush.
As far as your belongings which he still has, you need to get them back without getting directly in touch with him. If you have a mutual friend who can act on your behalf to retrieve them then go that route. If not, go the legal route. I think Virgode gave you a link where that's concerned.
DON'T take calls from him, block him and, if he comes by to see you then tell him to leave and, if he doesn't, call the police and then start using the legal system to protect you.
Just to impress upon you one more time, you are a victim and this man is a manipulative abuser of the worst kind. I don't know how old you are but even that doesn't really matter. I've known women of every age who've fallen prey to such Lothario bloodsuckers. Just do the right thing now for your self, learn from the experience and be more cautious in future. I sincerely wish you all the very best. "Mr Right" will eventually cross your path but, in the meantime, learning to live by and with yourself is prime and the best learning experience of all.
When you're comfortable with yourself you can be a good life companion to someone else. Cheers and good luck!
Why on earth you would feel even partially responsible is beyond me, as is why you would waste precious time trying to understand and find a reason for his actions, words and his self above all.
This^^. I find it unfathomable that you would waste any more moments of your own life over this drivel. Stop it. Leave it behind you and run from it. Wallowing in crap like this serves no purpose at all, not for you, or anyone else.
Last edited by ChessieMom; 10-05-2010 at 12:32 PM..
I think that I also feel very ... stupid and ashamed for it all. HOW could I have let myself be involved in this mess. I knew yet I fought it b/c of things. He was suicidal a few time before he's attitude turned to hatred (which is what I say happened, turned 180 degrees). How he could do and say things then turn around to almost kill you and say nothing. How he could take something so sacred then no remorse / apology. It's sickening. Trying to wrap my head around it and needing closure has exhausted me for sure.
I know what needs to be done, it's easier to say it then actually do it. But I think I am better then I was even last week. But still struggling to let the mind think about it all. And it makes me sick overall and confused. I know it's not a place I need to go back to let alone stay in ... just hard. Each day will be better.
I have stopped contact. It disgusts me to think he won't send me my things and even use them with someon else, etc ... but I know I have to stop thinking about it all.
I also don't get how this other girl would continue on with him knowing what she knows
You can stop trying to understand. You will never understand why someone is abusive and non-remorseful. It's not worth your TIME or ENERGY to even try.
In time, you will see that you escaped a very, very bad situation. And the only thought you should be having about this other woman is that he is NOW HER PROBLEM.
I think that I also feel very ... stupid and ashamed for it all. HOW could I have let myself be involved in this mess. I knew yet I fought it b/c of things. He was suicidal a few time before he's attitude turned to hatred (which is what I say happened, turned 180 degrees). How he could do and say things then turn around to almost kill you and say nothing. How he could take something so sacred then no remorse / apology. It's sickening. Trying to wrap my head around it and needing closure has exhausted me for sure.
I know what needs to be done, it's easier to say it then actually do it. But I think I am better then I was even last week. But still struggling to let the mind think about it all. And it makes me sick overall and confused. I know it's not a place I need to go back to let alone stay in ... just hard. Each day will be better.
Thank you everyone.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself and then move on. It does get better with time.
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