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Hi All,
I'm going thru a major life crisis right now.. I was engaged to my fiance of whom I've been with for 8.5 years.. basically its like we've been married already because we've cohabitated for several years..
I just proposed to her this January and the first fight we had (due to my insecurity and jealousy) was at the end of April.. she immediately walked out and moved out.. she went on a 2 month break with barely in contact to me... I respected her space and then she met me last Thursday and gave me back the ring and called off the engagement saying she couldn't find herself in the 2 months becuase she was still engaged to me.. I don't know if I'll ever see her again but I hate myself for being mentally sick over the past several years..
I was never a jealous person until she came into my life.. I met her and she swooped me off my feet... While we were casually dating (we were already kissing and all), she told me she was a virgin... I respected that and wanted to wait until we were ready... so anyway, a few weeks later, I drop her off to the airport because she's going back to her hometown.. I met her when she was 18 and right after she moved out of high school for college..
Anyway, she comes back and we continue dating some more.. until the night we first got intimate, i found out she gave it up to some high school fling that weekend i dropped her off that she would never ever see again... that guy was never her boyfriend...
I felt betrayed, I felt like I was second place and I didn't understand why she did that and I lived with thoughts that she loved the other dude more than she did me since she gave up something so special to a girl and little does she know that I'll be her first true love but not her first intimate encounter.. I never got involved in any love triangle until she put me in one..
So anyway, that was in the beginning.. then a few months after we became official, I asked her to stop talking to some other dude that she had a fling with (because of what happened).. she took the guy's name off her Instant Messenger in front of me.. a few weeks later, I noticed he was back on.. her excuse was "he's just a friend".. I was even devastated more.. It felt so disrespectful after how she hurt me the first time...
So that was all in the first year of our relationship..
fast forward 8.5 years later, i lost my job over the past year and have been unemployed.. I've been feeling low lately and don't feel secure about myself and our petty fights have been more intensed lately (I never realized my low selfesteem was tied to my jealousy).. however, it seems like every fight we had, I would always bring up the past like I could never get over it or because i used it to make her feel guilty... gosh =(... OVer the last year, I've caused petty arguments with her about her loyalty to me even though she has truly changed and stuck with me for 8.5 yeras but I guess I could never really rid myself of the green eyed monster.. the deeper I fell in love, the more I was afraid she'd hurt me again.... She's the type thats very friendly to everybody and her two sisters moved down to the area and now she's more occupied than ever.. I guess I was starting to miss her attention right when I needed it the most.. it seems like she became less committed on US and more into her social surroundings...
Then we got into a super major argument about her cousin who cheated on my friend and is now pregnant with the new dude's baby and forced to marry the guy..I automatically clumped her with her and brought back the past again saying I don't understand why girls can get away with crap like that...
this is when she walked out and couldn't take it anymore.. I was stressed about my job situation adn wanted to vent out to her but her cousin's conversation with her b4 the fight triggered the painful past...
I need therapy and want to know whats the best way.. I can't really afford therapy sessions right now because I have no insurance but I've read self-help books like "Love Without Hurt" .. it teaches me to train myself with compassion and I 100% realize how much resentment she's been building because we would always sweep it under the rug and she would never openly tell me to seek help.. I guess she thought I could handle my jealousy emotions myself... It also helps her find herself again after years of walking on eggshells with me...
I broke her identity apart and I never saw this coming and never took her seriously until she actually left me.. I am about to buy that program on nomorejealousy.com , they explain how to cope with jealousy after an affair .. she thinks its not an affair because she says she didn't love me yet but it still hurts because she put a guy between us... and I've read an article that says first impressions last a lifetime and if a girl cheats on you while you're dating her in the beginning, expect that to be her best behavior...
so I am too hard on myself? I hope my gf finds hte compassion to forgive me for not being able to truly forgive her (forget about the past)... I felt like I lost her in the beginning and I lost her again in the end because I didn't know how to deal with this poison.. =( .. I wish she never did that mistake, our relationship would've been perfect, I just didn't know I was breaking her down that bad... jealousy was the only thing tormenting me.. I was never really controlling or possessive but my jealousy would really cause some petty anger-rage guilttrip arguments that she just couldn't take anymore..
Last edited by Martian536; 07-02-2009 at 05:46 AM..
Please reach out to you local Department of Social Services, tell them you need help, you will get it. Alternatively, call a local therapist and explain your situation, including lack of ability to pay. They will certainly point you in the right direction for finding help.
Frankly, jealousy sounds like a symptom, not a cause of your problems. Focus on becoming the man you need to be, you'll be much happier, with or without a relationship. Put down the book on jealousy and read "The 7 Habits of Highly Effetive People" and similar books. Sounds like you're a mess right now, the great thing about life is you can always hit the reset button and start again. Best of luck on your journey.
I do hear you flip flopping between taking responsibility and blaming her instead. If you think you have issues to deal with - and think you were wrong in the way you treated her - then address those issues with yourself first. Then, if you think she has issues that should be addressed, you can share those with her.
I always feel for older guys who get involved with 18-20 year olds. At 18, there is often much experimenting to be done. Maybe some women want to have sex for the first time with someone who doesn't mean much. Maybe it's not so "sacred." I think you are interpreting things in ways that make things more painful for you. For ex, associating her with someone else who cheated. While her reaction to the cheating can be telling, the fact that someone she knows cheated is really not evidence against her.
I think you're right about counseling - work on you. Don't do it for her... because as long as you're focusing all of your energy on her, you're not focusing on you. Obviously. If, however, you wish that you had a more constructive way of engaging in your relationship, go to counseling... there are resources for you, especially if you're unemployed at present.
You'll be aight. Take some deep breaths. Your pain is clear, but you will be okay. No matter what happens, you'll handle it. Good for you for not allowing yourself to disintegrate!
Sounds like you are trying to take care of yourself and you recognize that being with her is not a healthy choice for you. Partners should do what they can to better the other person, not walk on them or be deceptive or throw up the past every time there's an argument.
Take your life back, be thankful she was a part of it and give her the space she needs to reflect. Don't be that guy that calls her 20 times a day, writes letters to her mother, calls her siblings with pathetic stories and sends flowers to her work all the time. That is the biggest, sickest turnoff ever.
You really need to find out why you would want to stay in such a toxic relationship. She's treating you like a doormat, something to have in between her other men.
Make sure you are doing this for you and not in the hopes of winning her back or it'll be a waste of time. All too often, people seemingly accept that it is over and, in a last ditch effort, go to counseling thinking it might turn the other around, then stop when the other person doesn't come back. If you are truly remorseful, make sure this isn't the case with you.
There are DV organizations that offer counseling for both victims and abusers at low or no cost.
You really wanted to be with this girl forever (married) and yet you could not trust her to talk to other guys??? Its called trust, and its terrifying. You were scared of getting hurt and that is natural, but you want to love somebody you have to open yourself to them completely and trust them. You cannot police the one you love, you just have to trust that she is coming home with you and thats what counts. And if you think your girl is going to cheat on you and you cannot trust her and you should have broke it off a long time ago.
I always feel for older guys who get involved with 18-20 year olds. At 18, there is often much experimenting to be done. Maybe some women want to have sex for the first time with someone who doesn't mean much. Maybe it's not so "sacred." I think you are interpreting things in ways that make things more painful for you. For ex, associating her with someone else who cheated. While her reaction to the cheating can be telling, the fact that someone she knows cheated is really not evidence against her.
Got to be made up, if not, therapy should have happened after her having a fling at the start when in a serious relationship then staying. Doubtful she would have wanted to give you the time of day were that reversed.
Obviously if you weren't good enough to start with you won't be good enough later. Not so "sacred"? It has nothing to do with being sacred, more respect, I dunno, decency, empathy?
Anyhow...that's far from the norm, of course maybe that is the norm today, but I refuse to think that ill at this stage. Frankly, IMO, it sounds more like a jump on the first bus thing relationship wise anyhow, so far better off it seems, at first blush to be more of a waste of nearly 9yrs. Best to do what you can to improve your outlook and move on.
Women between ages 18 and 28ish-30 is a work in progress. Having been one myself, I would never advise to have a relationship with one unless a man agrees to be a counselor, has patience that never runs out, and always assures her that he loves her no matter what. It's wicked that a woman is the most attractive in this young peach age, yet she needs to travel a long road in discovering herself (trying people in the process) and being comfortable in her own skin.
When I see a man oogling a young girl, I can't help but think, "Don't get into that trap."
Last edited by nuala; 07-02-2009 at 01:04 PM..
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