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I've been browsing these forums for a little while now, and find many of the topics quite interesting and mostly filled with useful advice. I'm an active poster on the Pittsburgh forums, but have never posted here. In any case, I'm at a difficult time in my life and just kind of looking to vent and see what folks might think about it all. I know some posters will rip me to shreds and offer not-so-helpful advice, but I know they are the minority. So if you would like to read my post, it may be rather long if I get on a roll. lol...
About me: I'm 26 years old, married with three beautiful and great girls. We met at college my freshman year and both graduated with Bachelors degrees. We got married very young, since I graduated early (I was 21 and she was 22). Our daughters are 3 1/2, 21 months and 5 months. To put it lightly, we might sound crazy for having kids so close together. We tried right away, and honestly didn't actively do anything to prevent it. Our second was also planned, but our youngest was the truest definition of an accident. We love her more than anything, but it was shocking and hard to take at first, especially since it was the result of actually trying to prevent a pregnancy.
I'm laying this all out there because it's good background to our current situation. I am a marketing coordinator for a regional credit union. It's a very stable and well-paying job. I provide adequetely for my family and I'm proud of what I've accomplished in life thus far. My wife is in education, but never really got to work too much before we started having kids. She stays at home and is a wonderful mother. The problem is that in the past 3-4 months, she has conveyed to me that she doesn't feel "happy" anymore, and even told me that getting married so early may have been a mistake on her part.
She's a great person, and has said she still loves me, but not in the way she once did. She has had some issues dealing with compulsive behavior and mild enxiety/depression for most of her life. She is on medication and handles it well enough to be a great mom and mature adult. But I'm beginning to realize that she may have gotten married almost as an expectation from others rather than a real desire. Does that make sense? Of course, having kids was our decision and we don't regret that. What I do regret -- and she does too -- is that we never really had time to be married. We've been parents most of our marriage and didn't get to be a loving couple too long, before diapers and baby food came along. Now please don't judge me for saying this. We have to live with our decisions. The problem is that she feels almost trapped and wondering if she has to live with this unhappines. I tell her it won't be like this forever. They'll grow up and we can re-discover each other again. She wonders if that will ever happen, and I tell her that I will wait for her no matter how long it takes. I'm most definetely not going anywhere.
Adding to the problems is our oldest daughter has a mild mitochondrial disorder. She has some learning disabilities and makes things stressful at home. Taking care of three children in diapers (she is having a hard time with potty training) is enough to make anyone crazy. I help out so much when I'm home -- making dinner, cleaning up, giving baths, changing diapers. But it's to the point that no matter how much I help, she feels unhappy to be in this situation.
She is currently getting help from a therapist to learn about herself and deal with her issues. I wonder if we need marriage counseling, since she has suggested that she might be happier as a single woman. This breaks my heart, and she knows it does. I guess she doesn't know what to do when she feels not in love anymore, but would never leave the kids or want me out of their lives.
I know some folks will say that we never should have married in the first place. I hear you and understand if you would say that. However, it's not helpful to our current situation. She has a few friends with kids, but it's so hard to ever get out with three little ones and no babysitters that we know of. We've moved a few times due to a past layoff and other circumstances, and we're just now settling down. I tell her it takes time to make friends with similar interests.
So please forgive me for my ramblings, and thanks for reading this far. There are so many other factors and issues that I wish I could share, but don't think I want to fill up much more space. Like issues with our sex life (or lack theroef. She's never been a sexual person), issues with her sometimes compulsive behavior, and more. I can get into those things in later posts I suppose. So yeah. I'm interested to see what you all think. Feel free to ask anything and I can clarify. Is there anything that I'm missing or should be doing? I want this marriage to work and I think she does too. She just keeps on telling me she wants to feel happy again!
I am in pretty much close to the same situation as you and your wife. I'm 35 years old and have 3 kids. I have a 7 1/2 year old boy a 3 year old girl and a 1 yr old girl. My third was also a surprise baby who I love more than life itself but like your situation she was the result of trying to prevent pregnancy. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and I got pregnant with our first 11 months into the marriage.
I think your wife is just very stressed right now and rightly so. You have 3 very young children that are all close in age. That could drive anyone insane. It's hard to devote any time to your marriage when you have kids that young. Does she have post partum depression? It sounds like she may so she may not even be in the right frame of mind right now. All the stress and anxiety must be making her question whether getting married and having kids was the right thing to do. She probably longs for here freedom pre-marriage and pre kids. You guys are still so young as well.
I think she still loves you and that the stress in her life is making her say things which she otherwise would not say.
I think you should go to marriage counseling and see if that can help you work through your issues.
Do you have any family around that could watch the kids maybe once a month so you two could go out on a date night?
Best of luck and I really understand where you are coming from
I agree, she just sounds incredibly overwhelmed and stressed right now. I react the same way when I am stressed--I pull away, second guess myself, etc.
Is there anyone who can watch the kiddos for the weekend to give you a few days away? Are grandma and grandpa available so you can have weekly date nights? Can you find a way to squeeze in some romance? I know I would be more than willing to babysit for my friends once a month...they'd just have to ask.
Let her go back to work, part time if that will be enough.
IMO she has the grass is greener issue. When she gets back out in the cruel world she should come to realize the life she has.
And I am a proponent of staying home with the kids!
You my friend need to make sure you are not taking on her problems, your children need you.
Good luck.
BTW I am old, married nearly 29 years, original husband, married at 21 and 23, have grown children, worked and did not work during their childhood.
I think you should consider hiring a nanny so that your wife can go to work.
I'm guessing that she thought this life was supposed to be easy but now knows it's not. I don't think people come to terms about things like that easily. To the contrary, I think they sabotage everything around them in an effort to get what they wanted. If my beliefs are correct, you're in trouble.
If she leaves you, you'll be stuck paying child support and a whopping amount for day care. If she stays, she'll end up making the whole house miserable and will eventually have a covert affair and, eventually, she'll leave for another partner.
I don't think you have many options here. I think you should consider offering her a nanny once she finds a job and, as long as she stays in your home with your kids, don't ask questions when she's out late.
I don't know what you can do except damage control when someone says they don't love you any more.
She is overwhelmed and probably is missing adult conversations and interactions. She might consider working part time even if it means some daycare for the kids. A work atmosphere with other adults around part time might do her a lot of good.
Also search around for someone you know who can babysit once every couple of weeks. You guys need time together, like a date every couple weeks minimum.
A very insightful and good friend of mine recently gave me some advice that makes sense- finding the person you fell in love. Maybe your wife needs to reconnect with you in the way she fell in love with you. That will take some time together, talking etc.
And lastly, she could talk to her psychiatrist and see of the post partum blues are making her meds less effective.
You sound like a kind, supportive husband. Is there a way for her to get free of mommyhood for a few hours a week such as mommy's day out babysitting at your church, gym babysitting services while working out, or other childcare programs? An hour or two of alone time once or twice a week to get your hair done and a manicure or work out at the gym is absolutely heaven.
True story. My mom used to "run away" we called it. She would ran away once or twice a year as far back as I can remember. She would go check into a hotel for one night. Dad or the babysitter was responsible for us when we were little and when we were teenagers we made our own food and Dad supervised. Her time outs were so healthy of her, looking back. She was an awesome mother. I can remember as a teenager coming home from school and my brother would say Mom's "run away". We knew when she came back the next morning our mom would be in a great mood.
Not everyone can do this, but the point is sometimes getting away for a little bit of time is a huge refresher.
Last edited by texan2yankee; 11-24-2010 at 11:28 AM..
I think a parttime nanny is the best idea. Or even a fulltime one if your wife gets a job. That will allow her to get outside again and not always be home with the kids. It may work wonders. She should also consider to see therapy and also see if she has post partum depression.
I think you said you were somewhat new to the area and just settling in? Besides the advice above -
try local resources for mommy and me/stay at home mothers type networks
check in to part-time pre-school programs for children w/disabilities similar to your 3 1/2 yr old
Through these networks/programs - she will have the opportunity to make friends who are going through similar life events
Stay strong - her love for you will eventually only grow stronger due to you hanging in there
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