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So, we all know we’ve had lots of threads around here with the same subject: some guy can’t date and he can’t find out why. I’m in there too: a couple of those threads were mine.
I will be 29 shortly and, after being trying since I was 24, I finally have to give up. I no longer have the time or the will to keep trying. I will try to concentrate on my career (I will be starting a company shortly) and hope that I can accept being alone.
Be warned, the following is a LOOONG post. I’ll try to summarize but there is so much I have to say. I wouldn’t consider it more than a rant, since my situation can’t probably be solved in forums and even then, it might be too late for that. So, for anyone who cares, this is my story.
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The beginning
There is a type of guy that girls don’t find attractive, even if he follows all the usual dating advice. I am one of them. I’m one of those men who are “good on paper”, but just plain unattractive for some reason.
And when I say “some reason”, it’s because there is no clear reason. I know I don’t have a cute face or a hot body, but I don’t think I’m THAT ugly. I’m not socially ackward either. I’m good positioned career-wise, I have interests in life, projects for the future, a bunch of good friends… Not to sound arrogant, but I think you get the point.
It could also be that I am Oh so boring! Well, many women consider me nice and funny. A couple of them told me they don’t see anything wrong with me. But of course those same women wouldn’t date me.
So that is my situation. I have met many women in person, yet I have only achieved dates online (and that was years ago!). Not a SINGLE TIME in my life I could pick up a girl I liked in person, even when things were going great they would give me fake phone numbers and nice excuses.
The “improvement”
I realized I had to do something to change my situation, so I started looking for information and advice. Most dating advice assumes that there’s something wrong with the guy’s personality, so they just tell you to stay sharp in your look, fix your attitude, and keep trying until you learn.
A problem with that “trial and error” approach is the following: to learn you need to have 2 things:
1 – Keep trying until you have both some good and bad results
2 – Knowing what caused those results to be good or bad
But in the typical dating advice, both 2 points fail !! First, if you just keep being rejected you won’t have good results to know what works. And also, most of the time even natural seductors don’t know what worked or spoiled it in a particular situation. So, you don’t know how to do it and you can’t learn it either. Great.
Another way to learn, is looking at men who are good with women. You can try to imitate what they do, or watch their general attitude. I even asked a friend how he did it, but he told me that he didn’t know: he didn’t have to do anything. He was just being himself.
“Be yourself”. We have come to one of the most common and most useless pieces of advice in the dating world. Of course, people who can date without effort are going to think you just have to be yourself!! But this advice only works for people who are constantly anxious. Many people die alone “being themselves”, so this advice clearly won’t help many of us.
The opposite advice to “be yourself” is probably the community of Pick Up Artists. Yeah, I did try that too. But honestly I don’t like their methods. Dating is supposed to be fun, not something you need to study and practice!! It felt really ackward, and after acting for a while I couldn’t help revert to my normal personality.
Of course I had to try again with online dating, since it was the only success I had had. Unfortunately, nowadays, online is much harder. I tried even pay sites and it’s just next to impossible to get answers from women. I just don’t have so much time for that anymore.
At this point I realized I was running out of options, so I pretty much seeked any advice that could possibly helped and applied it. Some of the things I improved in myself are these:
- Lost weight
- Dress better
- Improved my look
- Became more social
- Went out more
- Started caring less about women
- Developed more confidence
- Approached more women
- Learned to dance
- Made more (and better) friends
- Seeked new interests and projects
- Stopped looking for some time
One point I would like to make clear, is that when I say I applied something, I really did. When I say, for instance, that I dressed better, people actually complimented me on it. And so on…
So… sounds like a good improvement, doesn’t it? Well, even improving in ALL of that, still no women were interested in me. Ever. I still couldn’t find a reason for that. So I began searching online, in countless forums.
The bad thing about forums is that in all of them you get the same cliché advice. And when you tell people that it didn’t work for you, they assume that you are to blame for it. Of course! It has to be you, because for these people, the cliches can never be wrong! Don’t even dare to say in a forum that when you stopped looking you didn’t find someone, because they will only say that you didn’t really stop looking. Yeah, right kid…
Here I realized that despite my best efforts, I was running out of options. I asked a couple of female friends what makes me unnattractive, but they didn’t know what to tell me and I didn’t get any useful advice from them (“keep waiting” is not advice by the way, it’s what you say when you don’t have a solution).
And that’s as far as I could get. You might think there has to be some obvious reason that has kept me rejected for years, but I haven’t found it. I’m not very demanding physical-wise (though obviously, I need some minimum to be attracted). I actually go out, have fun and approach women. I have real friends who think highly of me. I am not shy or socially ackward. And I don’t just sit and feel lonely like many men do. In few words: I do have a life of my own.
The conclusions
After 5 years I no longer can afford losing this much time, effort and money in a futile fight. I am patient, but one thing is to make slow progress and another is to not progress at all. Despite all my improvements, I could never get some women to feel even slightly interested on me beyond friendship. So, sadly it is time for me to give up.
To guys in a similar situation: Be careful with the advice you get. Bad advice is doing A LOT of damage to many guys, telling them to just “be themselves and wait” while they waste valuable years of they youth.
The advice given to men is often too complicated and too ethereal: What is “confidence”? what is “vibe”? Some advice is just plainly wrong. For instance: There are many guys without confidence that date regularly (abusive jerks), and many people who are successful in dating are not being themselves (players). I have given a couple of examples but there are many more.
So, having good relation with my friends and family, the only thing left for me now is to focus on my career. The bad thing about that is that, while it be great for my intellectual life, it will never do a thing for my emotional life. Because, you know, friends and family can only go so far.
But the most painful part of having to give up, is not just to know I have utterly failed, but rather that I don’t know WHY. I gave it all my effort and I couldn’t find a reason for it. Maybe I’m just too ugly. Maybe most cute women have too much choice. Anyway, whatever my problem is, it seems to be something I can’t fix. So I give up. If you are in a similar situation, I wish you better luck.
29 years old is fairly young to give up on women. Understandable your feelings because there are indeed certain people that do not fit into the normal relationship selection pool. However sometimes (no guarantee) you can age into a different group where this can all change. Maybe cut back on the effort for now but keep your eyes and mind open for an opportunity.
Have fun and enjoy the rest of things that life offers. Though you do not have a relationship, you also have no responsibility to one. Or the heartache of ones that work out badly.
You just haven't peaked yet, nothing wrong with that. Don't worry about it, focus on your career, and one day you will wake up to find it is your turn.
I agree with the others. At 29, I can't imagine having "finding a girlfriend/boyfriend" as my focus. This is career time...prime figuring-out-where-you-are-headed time. Stick with that, and let the gotta-get-a-girl thing loose to wander around on it's own for a while. You have lots of time for that, later. Stop worrying.
If you haven't, then quite clearly something about you is turning women off - or not turning them on. Maybe you don't know how to create tension? That is often the beginning blossom of liking someone... they get under your skin a little bit.
I dunno, lately based on other postings, I heard 35 was supposed to be the primo man age for dating? Does that help? Being single is not the end of the world. Based on what I'm seeing from your post, it sounds like to me you have certain standards that these women that you date can't fall in line with. Perhaps if you'd like to find someone, lower a couple of standards, and just make friends that are honest enough to tell you what is seriously going on. Besides, it seems besides dating, you seem to have an active lifestyle with friends. People have been single since the beginning of time, literally. IF dating is not working out for you, take some time out to develop yourself as a person, and then jump back into the mess of dating. I hate to say this, but relationships are not to fill a void of emotional baggage of sorts. Most people to come into a relationship being a complete person themselves or else the other person can use that stuff to their advantage.
You may feel like every thing is hopeless and that you are cursed with singledom forever, but don't worry about it. Just focus on your career at the moment. And like others said, 29 is not the end of the world. You will find that perfect someone just for you. Life works in mysterious ways and you'll end up meeting that special one meant for you some day!
I dunno, lately based on other postings, I heard 35 was supposed to be the primo man age for dating?
Any time that a guy has looks and money is the "primo" time to date. By age 35, the former is in decline and the latter better be more than able make up for this or you have been reading unsubstantiated opinion, probably based on the experiences of a few men. Another point is that the selection can often be rather poor by this age.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluefrogs
Does that help? Being single is not the end of the world.
I hope so.
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