Oh the things you are never told about marriage (girls, husband, engagement)
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My husband and I have gone through some rough times, sometimes at the brink of divorce. The only things keeping me there, literally, was my wedding vow--for better or worse--and going over the passage from Corinthians--love is patient, love is kind. I would remember those words and how much I meant them and then ask myself, "Have I done everything I can? Can I give up with a clean conscience?" For me, divorce could only be a very last resort. And I always found the strength to hang in there, because I did love him and wanted us to be together. It's been 13 years now, and our marriage is honestly good now. He's my best friend and makes me laugh every day.
We were married at 22 with a baby on the way. I was in college and still living at home. We both had to grow up a lot over the next 10 years, which is hard enough to do as a single person. I had to learn to live with someone other than my parents, become more independent, be an adult, figure out how to be a mom ... it was really hard. We were broke most of the time, which made things harder.
My advice to married people is this:
1. Don't be the center of your own universe. If your thoughts are always "What about ME?" and "Me first, you second," you will start to feel slighted and resentful when everything is not about you. Every time I found myself in a pit of unhappiness and anger at how much he didn't do for me, I climbed out after I realized I wasn't doing anything for him. Give. Love. If you are with a good person, it will come back to you.
2. You don't always have to be right. Let your partner be right sometimes, even when he's wrong.
3. Anger is toxic and will destroy you. Learn how to deal with things that make you angry or how not to be bothered so much. You're in this for the long haul ... an angry life is not a good life.
4. Say "I love you" a lot. Show it, too. Pick up a bottle of the shampoo she likes from the store because you noticed she was running low. Make lemonade when he is outside mowing the lawn--he's going to be thirsty. Doing nice things without being asked is an easy way to show you care.
Well, I've never been married, but I would reiterate a couple things that've already been made. One is that marriage is hard work. Too many people get married thinking the hard part is over which leads to one or both people taking the other for granted.
I'm also glad someone mentioned living together. You can be madly in love but being married means being able to deal with the person even when they're at their worst. It's only when you live with someone do you see who they really are.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bethany12
I disagree with #4...You and your spouse will change. More often, people get married thinking the other person will change in the ways that they want. It never happens. People stay pretty much the same.
I disagree. While a person's core personality doesn't change, their goals and priorities can and do change. The mistake too many people make is thinking they'll be able to change someone after they marry them. People change, but only if they want to, not because someone else made them.
I think the "living together" is not a wise thing at all.
If you were to look at a house because you want to buy it, you will walk through it and inspect it. You know, the reasonable things you do when you check it all over. If you like it you put a purchase agreement on the house. (engagement)
You don't move your stuff in and live there wondering if you will like living there. (Living together)
After you committed yourself buy signing the agreement to purchase the home it's yours. (Marriage) It's exciting and fun to own this beautiful house. You can live in it and take care of it.
However, there WILL be maintenance and upkeep on it. It's not going to be sparkling perfect forever and ever. Just like a wife.
You want to rent-obtion-to-buy. Every house is different. You highlight the positive aspects of that house to make it great!!! You know, just like you would a wife.
Renting is for people who are ready to pick up and move as soon as trouble comes. Home owners are committed persons you can trust.
I would offer a different point of view, depending on the age one gets married.
People do change, but only at certain times of life. From my observations, the big changes happen in that five year period after leaving school. For, once a person leaves the cocoon of school and enters the real world, their philosophy, their friends, their attitudes, and a whole universe of other qualities tend to change a good deal under the pressure of actually having to earn a living. I know that I was an utterly different person at age 22 than I was at 27.
That's why I always counsel people to not get married immediately after graduation. For you may be somebody totally different than you were on your wedding day.
Another big time for change is when the children move out. Suddenly, particularly for men, the pressures of parenting and supporting a large family are lifted, and that person can finally be himself or herself. I'm not there yet, but some of our friends with older children have changed in amazing ways once the kids fly the coop.
Awesome post, I'm going to add this to my archive.
I think sometimes many women enter a marriage more concerned with having the "right" wedding than they are about have the right marriage. After their wonderful wedding is over, they are shocked into reality. I didn't think marriage was that difficult, and I didn't get married until I was 41. I am my husband's 3rd wife. He says he wishes he would have met me 20 years ago!
As for change, I read that a man marries a woman thinking she will never change, a woman marries a man thinking she will change him.
This is SO true! I knew a women who's mom pressured her to find and marry a rich man. Lucky for her she found that rich guy. Well, my friend then wanted a lavish wedding in a castle along with the expensive custom wedding dress. Well, she got it and since this was over 5 years ago and they are still together ( I'm so glad they are!) I guess the marriage starting out on this road can work for some people
However, I'm just to business minded, all that money for a wedding can be used for a down payment on a home or to be used to start a business.
Last edited by Morphous01; 01-14-2009 at 08:10 PM..
Its only work if you count every little thing you've done and discount what your partner has done.
Wow, when you were 21 the world was A LOT different then. There was a basic value system and a moral code that was instilled into most people in the 50's. I know not everybody, but it was in more people then compared to today.
Anyway, I wish I had the opportunity to have a life long parter with a women of that era. Really, women could turn heads wearing a nice sundresses and knew how to do many things from scratch that were passed down from generations where today that's pretty much long gone.
Today many 15-16 year olds know more about sex and other things that they could now teach a 40 year old man.. Truth be told, this is the real reason why is best not to get married out of highschool/College, the children's values have been rearranged or stripped all together to you got to wait to see who sees the light steers clear from all that mess..
Last edited by Morphous01; 01-14-2009 at 08:31 PM..
[SIZE=3]I just got off the phone with one of my newly married friends and it has prompted me to write this.
I got married at the age of 20, which by today standards is quite young. I of course thought I knew everything boy was I wrong.
1.) How much work marriage requires. No one can ever prepare you for how much work you must put into a marriage in order to keep it going and to keep it strong
2.) Your in laws will probably bug the crap out of you more than once. Lord knows mine do.
3.) The first 5 years are the hardest, not just the first year.
4.) You and your spouse will change, and neither of you should expect the other to stay as they were when you first met them.
5). Money is the root of all evil, but you must have it for bills and needs and sometimes wants.
6.) Do not compare your marriage to others, because each is different
7.) The grass is not always greener on the other side, this is important to remember when you have a fight or when you are going through bad times.
8.) There will be times when you don’t "like" your spouse, that does not mean you should stop loving them
9.)Children do not make a troubled marriage better, if your having trouble do not get pregnant thinking it will help things because it probably wont
10.) Your love will change. If you have made it past the things listed above you will probably grow to love your spouse more than the day you married.
I ALWAYS recommend to live together before you get married. But I also recommend that you (especially guys) live alone for as long as possible before having a woman move in with you. But again, I think its an absolute must to live together first before getting married.
I think getting married and then moving in together is irresponsible although a lot of bible thumpers would disagree with me.
OMG, I wasn't even watching and I DID it just as I've been wanting to!
Happy stardom, Rcm!
And a very smart post to boot!
I wasn't even paying attention earlier and had to run. Thanks for the star Sierra!
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