How do I learn to like me? (long-term, how to, women)

[MsB23]

Alrighty...I guess it's time MsB23 started a relationship thread. I'll try to keep this brief...

Ok, I do not have the highest self-esteem in the world. I do know that I am an intelligent, articulate, friendly person. Generally speaking, I'm caring & sensitive to other people's feelings...because of this, people generally like me. I have never thought I was bad-looking. Ok, yes, I'm about 30lbs overweight. I still have an hourglass shape, everything is proportionate, but just not as small as I'd like. I'm 5'7" and currently about a size 12-14, & I "should" be about an 8-10.

A lot of times, other than my weight, I don't really see anything wrong with me...& my weight isn't that bad...but, I was always the girl that guys talked to because I would actually talk to them...the thing is, they were talking to me because they wanted to get with my friends, who, apparently, were "hotter"...so I'm a little sensitive.

When I had my son at the beginning of '06, I had been working 2 jobs (expecting to be alone with my son) & had gained a lot of weight (about 80 lbs total by the time he was born) because I just plain didn't have time to take care of myself. I met a great guy when I was about 7 months along who seemed really interested in me & also seemed attracted to me...despite my pregnant girth.

After I had my son, he had been creeped out (badly) by all the blood that goes along with giving birth, & it took a long time before he was physically attracted to me again. I made the mistake of asking early on if he was physically attracted to me...& while he didn't outright say no, the answer was obvious. He said it wasn't me, that it was the whole birth thing. I should've learned then not to ask a question I don't already know the answer to.

Yesterday, I asked him in the course of related conversation if he found me more physically attractive than his ex....& again, he didn't outright say no, but the answer was obvious.

That said, I do want to say that the fact that he is honest with me--even when he really doesn't want to be--means a lot to me; however, my feelings are still really hurt.

He says that I am what he wants, the total package, & that physicality is a very minor part of what attracts him to anyone...it is a part of it, but not a huge part. He says that he is attracted to me, physically & emotionally (...& there is "evidence" to back that up).

He says that to him, really hot women represent pain & lying & cheating...women who cannot be trusted, in his experience, & that he is upset that I am so fixated on physical attractiveness. He is upset that I don't find it good enough that I am the total package of what he wants.

I understand that we all get old, & physical beauty is fleeting. Honestly, I really do get that, & I don't know why I'm so fixated on this. He doesn't oogle other women particularly, there isn't much porn (there is a little, but he prefers the real thing, if it's available), & I'm not hurting for booty. He is a good man, with a good & honest heart...but my God, I am still so hurt.

I know a lot of the women I've seen on here are so much stronger than I seem to be...& I'd love some advice on this. I don't want to feel ugly because I'm not the hottest woman he's dated (apparently, I'm somewhere in the middle, physically speaking. ).

I don't want to be ashamed of myself, because I don't think I have anything to be ashamed of...but I still feel that way. I've seen some women who are definitely "plus size", but they have confidence like they are models & they are sexy & it has nothing to do with their body type (& I've seen the reverse...models with zero confidence).

I just want this to stop hurting. I want to feel like I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. He tells me he loves me & that I'm an amazing woman...but I don't feel like I'm an amazing woman. I'm extremely self-critical & always feel I fall short. What can I do to change my attitude about this?

I'm sorry for the novel, I'm just really hurting & because my "me" issues have been a long-term problem, I'm worried about the effect they're having on me, my son & my relationship. I just want to be happy with me...& I have no idea how to do that...

[leavingcali]

You're not alone my dear. I think a lot of people, including myself, struggle with loving all of themselves (the good and the bad) and be accepting of who they are. My struggle used to be that if I aceppted myself, that meant that I wouldn't ever try to improve myself, which is something I believe in. Lately, however, I have been thinking that you can still work to improve things YOU think YOU need to work on while still loving and accepting yourself.

I don't know how to do it, but I think it starts with the recognition that it needs, no MUST be done. Lately, instead of feeling like I need to change, I am feeling like I just want to be me--whomever and whatever that is--and I also need to be accepted by my spouse for the me that I am. Then, I can work on being the best me that I can and want to be. Actually, I can do this without anyone else's acceptance. In fact, anyone else's acceptance needs to come last probably.

So, I think that is step #1--deciding that you want to be you, and accept you, and know you, no matter how scary, wonderful, and awful that might be, and since we're human, I think we are all a mix of those qualities--beautiful, wonderful, and flawed--and that's okay. I have no idea what step #2 would be.

Keep me posted on all of this, because I want to get there too. WE can do it.

[canibeyou]

This is a really sad thread.

Have you told him how it makes you feel? I mean, really sit down and pour your guts out; give examples and everything. He can't deny your feelings because they belong to you. And it's not a discussion. It doesn't need to be rebutted. It's just a time for you to be able to pour your heart out and his "job" would be to walk away and make some changes in his behaviour towards you.

[Roaddog]

He tells you that your the total package but he doesn't think your physically attractive? thats not right, maybe he's not the right one for you. Don't let him dictate how you feel about yourself, 5/7 30 pounds over and a hourglass figure sounds good to me and a lot of other guys too. Some men don't want you to think you look good because they are insecure with themselves.
Dress up, go to the Mall and strut your stuff, you'll see.

[DaSkorpion]

Learn to love yourself more and everything will fall in place...also try to find time to do new things or activities get out there and mingle..!!!

[MsB23]

Just to clarify, because I think the problem is more with me than him...My BF says that he does find me physically attractive...I had asked him if I was more physically attractive than his ex (stupid question, guys, I know... )

It is possible, since he has been cheated on a number of times (by the super-hot women) that he is a little insecure about me looking too good. I do know, tho, that I am in every other way superior to his ex (i.e. I'm honest, intelligent & not a manipulative cheating skank that finds my child an "inconvenience" while still trying to pop out more with every guy I can get to stick his...er well, you get the idea...)

& I think that leavingcali & Roaddog have good points in that how I feel about myself should not be dictated by anyone but me.

Honestly, I do think my BF means well. I don't want him to lie to me...perhaps he could arrange his honesty a little more sensitively, but I'm good with honest, at least.

I feel like my insecurity has me always on the lookout for bad & hurtful things...even when there aren't any there...I have looked for evidence, & either he's better at hiding them than any guy I've ever met (& I've met some doozies!) or they just aren't there.

I guess I just want to love myself...& maybe see the glass as half-full every once in a while. I'm not only seeing "half empty", but it's probably half empty because it's poisoned & whomever drank the 1st half died before they could finish it...

[jkmewright]

While I appreciate his honesty with you, you have to be honest with yourself. YES there are women much hotter than you are. On the flip side, there are women who would kill to look just like you. Believe this. Find something about yourself that you like, focus on that for a little while. Forget the thighs, or the tummy or the not so cute nose. We all have these problems. Even the beautiful people. When you are feeling better about yourself others will see that and be drawn to you. Do you have some great qualities other than your physical appearance? Are you a good mom? Are you someone people can count on? I have seen people who are nowhere near pretty/handsome and been drawn to them because they had that "thing". You know what I mean. Go get your thing girl! Don't depend on HIM to make you feel better. He does NOT have that kinda power. Whatever his issues are or aren't this needy behavior will make you unappealing to anyone.

[Global Friend]

Originally Posted by jkmewright

While I appreciate his honesty with you, you have to be honest with yourself. YES there are women much hotter than you are. On the flip side, there are women who would kill to look just like you. Believe this. Find something about yourself that you like, focus on that for a little while. Forget the thighs, or the tummy or the not so cute nose. We all have these problems. Even the beautiful people. When you are feeling better about yourself others will see that and be drawn to you. Do you have some great qualities other than your physical appearance? Are you a good mom? Are you someone people can count on? I have seen people who are nowhere near pretty/handsome and been drawn to them because they had that "thing". You know what I mean. Go get your thing girl! Don't depend on HIM to make you feel better. He does NOT have that kinda power. Whatever his issues are or aren't this needy behavior will make you unappealing to anyone.

I agree with this 100% and don't keep asking him those questions, men hate that. I'm guilty of asking my SO if I look fat in an outfit once in awhile and he just rolls his eyes. Then I get the message, he doesn't want to hear it. If he loves you, he loves you and that's it. If you are uncomfortable with your body then do something about it and don't talk about it. I'm also 5'7 and was wearing a size 12, big deal I still felt attractive but sometimes uncomfortable with that little extra weight. I just lost 15lbs and it does feel good, you can do it to but stop talking to him about it. I'm sure that's a bigger turn off then any extra weight you have. Noone is perfect and I'm sure he doesn't look like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, does he?

[MsB23]

Mmmm...Johnny Depp...(I need that drooling smiley icon...)

Those were the magic words Rapture! LoL

Originally Posted by Rapture

I just lost 15lbs and it does feel good, you can do it to but stop talking to him about it. I'm sure that's a bigger turn off then any extra weight you have.

You're right...It was one of those questions that just kind of slipped out...I didn't really think it thru first (or I wouldn't have been fool enough to ask! ) I do think that my self-consciousness about it bugs him more than the weight.

Since you were about my size, I know you understand it's not even that much...just enough to bug me...but you're right, he doesn't need to know that...maybe I can just pretend I'm Salma Hayek or Eva Mendez (if they were pale & blonde...gotta love the curvy women ) & see if things are better.

p.s. congrats on the 15 lbs! I know how good that must feel!

[Global Friend]

Originally Posted by MsB23

Mmmm...Johnny Depp...(I need that drooling smiley icon...)

Those were the magic words Rapture! LoL



You're right...It was one of those questions that just kind of slipped out...I didn't really think it thru first (or I wouldn't have been fool enough to ask! ) I do think that my self-consciousness about it bugs him more than the weight.

Since you were about my size, I know you understand it's not even that much...just enough to bug me...but you're right, he doesn't need to know that...maybe I can just pretend I'm Salma Hayek or Eva Mendez (if they were pale & blonde...gotta love the curvy women ) & see if things are better.

p.s. congrats on the 15 lbs! I know how good that must feel!

LOL - I would love to look like Salma Hayek. I'm also blond and fair skinned. By the way size 12/14 is the most common size of women in America. I have a feeling you are a lot more attractive then you think.

As far as losing the weight I did Nutri System, I cheated and had help. It really works and it's not hard to follow.