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I am going to a therapist/counselor next Monday (1/10) for the first time. Never been to one. Going alone and want to get help with communication mostly. Talk about what's going on in my marriage that I am frustrated with, (sex being one) and get suggestions as to how to best deal with them.
Any suggestions from you people. I'll try to ease into it when talking to her, and not spill my guts all at once. A friend recommended to write things down that bother me and want to talk about. I'm not real good at getting my thoughts out. Going to be nervous, I'm sure.
It can be a growing experience. It may or may not save the marriage. Go in without expectations.
The therapist is not interested in what your wife says or does, just your reaction to what she did or said. You will learn quickly to think independently.
For me I was able to remove some conditioning my parents did to me which got in the way of a healthy marriage. If it did not remove it at least helped me understand my reactions to what others do/say. That first marriage of mine failed, but not because of me. It was just not a healthy marriage.
I am not in therapy right now but have been in it regularly off and on for over 8 years. The first thing you want to do is get a feel for your therapist. Ask yourself if you feel comfortable with them and if you feel like they understand where you are coming from. If the answers to those questions are "no" then find another therapist. You do not want to waste time doing sessions with a therapist who just doesn't "get" it. You may not "clique" with every therapist and thats a good thing. People don't "clique" with every person they meet in real life. The important thing is that you should be able to trust your therapist. You should feel like they want the best for your well-being.
Another thing you should discuss in the first session is your goals for therapy. I have gone to therapists where I felt the only goal was to show up every week. I never felt I resolved anything or reached any sort of true peace. It was only after my sister asked if I had achieved any goals in therapy that I realized how much I was just wasting time.
Therapy can be a wonderful thing and very exciting. It may be the only time where someone truly is there to listen to your inner problems and difficulties.
Another thing to ask your therapist is what kind of therapy they plan on using. Yours may just be talk therapy since you are working on communication/relationship issues. However, it may be useful to know for the future if you ever feel like your therapy is not working and you want to try something else (CBT, DBT, etc..). That way if you go to a new therapist you can say which kinds of therapy you have used in the past.
Last edited by mizdezigner; 01-04-2011 at 04:08 PM..
Reason: typo
That first visit is more of a interview. He or she will ask a few questions but they are not going to start any treatment. In fact it may not appear any treatments are even started for months depending on your issues.
The Kama Sutra suggestions could get a clinician in big trouble fast, losing their license, other ethical violations, etc. There should be a connection, but that will be based on what you discuss. That will/should be identified in the first or second session. Many therapies work if you are sincerely invested, though likely you will be engaged in some form of systems/family therapy, solution focused interventions, bibliotherapy, or cogntive-behavioral treatment. Your feelings and thoughts exposed and discussed (and taking notes about what to say) is a refreshing experience, because it says to the clinician you mean business. There is a lot of business discussion in the first session, this is true, but some broad suggestions extended by good therapists may similarly work tremendously well. If there are communication problems there will be sex difficulties. Pushes and strains that are financial or familial are common as well. Role shifts and life transitions all play roles in making progress, as well as family of origin issues. The therapist having an outlined conceptualization of difficulties and resolution is also extremely important. It is a road map to understanding you and providing curative interventions. Finally, understand the therapist may seek to invite your partner. You are a brave person. There is a lot of stress persons/family's are under, with the current socio-economic climate. Stay at reinvesting in your partnership and you too will get out of existing difficulties into harmony. I wish you the best.
I've never been to one either but I work with doctors and we refer a lot of patients to a local therapist and then they come back and tell me about their experiences. As I understand it, all therapists are different in how they approach subject matter and how they offer advice. Some just let you talk and eventually you kind of hear the answers in your words and others have you do exercises that help you with whatever it is that's bothering you.
The best thing to do is yes, to write down a list of what's been bothering you and between you and your therapist you will work out a schedule of how he / she wants you to proceed with the sessions to set a good and productive pace.
Kudos for going, it takes a lot to admit you need to talk to someone, takes even more to actually make the appointment and show up and it takes even more than that to admit it publicly (depsite us being strangers) that you ARE going.
My last bit of advice, if you don't like the therapist, don't worry about hurt feelings, pick another and keep doing that until you find one that you like. Most people I know that have gone always end up switching to a new one after the first or second session. It's like meeting a "friend", you don't always like people at first. Ya know?
I am going to a therapist/counselor next Monday (1/10) for the first time. Never been to one. Going alone and want to get help with communication mostly. Talk about what's going on in my marriage that I am frustrated with, (sex being one) and get suggestions as to how to best deal with them.
Any suggestions from you people. I'll try to ease into it when talking to her, and not spill my guts all at once. A friend recommended to write things down that bother me and want to talk about. I'm not real good at getting my thoughts out. Going to be nervous, I'm sure.
Anything I shouldn't talk about?
Thanks.
don't use absolutes like " he ALWAYS trys to get his way. or he NEVER wants to do anything.
At a VERY VERY low point in my life I sought the help of therapists and the first few trips were a total disaster. I had no problem spilling my guts and saying why I was seeking therapy but after the first two sessions with the first therapist I realized that this just wasn't going to work. It quickly became apparent that he was a Freudian therapist and, after I'd spilled my history, he remained as quiet as he had been from the get-go apart from him asking me, "Why are you here and what's troubling you?" My litany was exhausted and I was waiting for him to ask me some relevant questions but he sat there silently.
I finally said, in the third session and after 10 minutes of silence, "What do you want me to say?" He sat there staring at me for several seconds and then said, "Tell me what you see and what you think about it." The window overlooked a road so I looked out of the window and said, "There's a little red car driving down the road. It's a very cute little red car and it looks like it's slowing down and is looking for a parking space. Any other questions?"
Total silence. Another ten minutes later and I said, "With all due respect, we're going nowhere here and I have to leave." He said not a word and I left.
Another one didn't work out and then I found someone who definitely changed my life and who I remember to this day as having been my savior of sorts. It very often takes time to find the right therapist so don't be discouraged if the first or the second or the third doesn't pan out. Give them all a chance, always be open and honest and go from there. Therapists are trained to make you think outside your insular box and while some are very good at it, some are not. Good luck!
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