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Current g/f is an absolute sweetheart...caring, loving, adorably affectionate, and very nurturing. A total 10 to me, in every way. With that being said, the poor darling has what I believe is a certain degree of lowered self-esteem, in her own self-worth. She has shyly mentioned several times to me that she feels that she's "not very pretty", even though to me, she's a total 10, and the most beautiful girl in the world, in every way. She has also said several other less tangible things that would lead me to think she has lowered self-confidence -- not the kind where a girl might say, "do these clothes make me look overweight?" More the kind, where she may be unconsciously or unintentionally de-valuing her own self-worth.
I have tried to gently counter some of this, by telling her in a compassionate and caring way, things like just how pretty and adorable I think she is -- she and I have both promised to be 100% honest and trusting, of each other, so she knows that I wouldn't lie to her, ever. Also I have tried to tactfully and sensitively ask her some questions, to try to determine where the potential lowered self-esteem, may be coming from.
But is there anything else you think that I can do or say, to help her feel better, and more loving, about herself? Because there is truly so much to love, in her...but it's almost like she can't see a lot of it, herself though More than anything, I want her to feel loved, cherished, and happy -- and to love herself completely, too. Thoughts?
I think that part of the self esteem problem is YOU!! In her real life, everyone treats her like a regular and average girl. Then YOU are online telling her how wonderful and special she is. She probably doesn't understand why YOU think that she's so awesome, but everyone else just thinks her a normal person. Stop filling up her head and heart with compliments. You are creating a narcissistic young woman, and that's mentally very unhealthy for her.
Stop putting her on a pedestal and trying to make a princess of her. At her young age, what you're doing to her is very bad for her.
OK, it's rather obvious that some ppl here think I'm a really evil person for simply caring about this girl romantically, even though that's actually the furthest thing from my mind (i.e., having "evil" thoughts) I think I'm gonna take a break from all the judgment/condemnation, and just turn in for tonight.
Now what, who says anything is evil about you? Far from it in my eyes. We had this discussion before when I told you right here on CD in the People Search section, this man was emailing this women back and forth for a couple of months and asked her to marry him without meeting him. Long story short, she took her photo off the internet and this was a game to her. This guy was devastated to say the least. He flew in to her supposedly hometown and couldn't find her. He took off 3 weeks from work and was beside himself. I felt so sorry for him. I just don't want this to happen to you.
We also suggested in another thread to research her name, etc. You have not done that yet. I just think you need to see her right now even for a day to see if everything is ok and she is who she says she is.
I really, really hope that it does turn out for you. But as a mother of a daughter, I would be extremely leery of an older man courting my daughter who hid the relationship from me. Now her parents might be ok with it and you will be accepted. You don't know until you take this friendship to the next level.
To be honest, as a parent my hackles would go up if my 18-year-old daughter met a 30-year-old man on the Internet too, particularly if she were hiding it from me and I found out (rather than her telling me), and even more particularly if she snuck out to meet him behind my back. You can protest your virginity and celibacy, but those are just words, and there's no way to prove it anyway. You are pursuing a very atypical relationship and should not be surprised if people react as if it were typical, i.e., a more predatory scenario. It's an unfortunate truth.
(Bolded part above.)
I guarantee you, it's the full 100% truth. I promise, I'm *not* lying, about that...while I can't "prove" it per se on an online forum, I swear on all of my honor as a man, that it's the whole truth. I would never intentionally lie about that, to anyone.
Also, Knight, it's not that I don't understand you. I really do. BUT the age different and the life experiences are so vast. My brother dated and married someone that was 12 years younger then him. My grandparents also married and they were 12 years different. I even married someone 10 years older then me. BUT in all of these incidents, both parties were mature, had some type of life experiences and knew what they wanted in life and were equal partners.
This is not the case with you and your gf. She is, by your words; naive and void of life experiences. She does not even have a job or out of school. This friendship could work, who am any of us, to say it won't but there are just alot of differences that might separate you two at the end.
AFAIK, I have answered each question that was given to me? On the 2 threads, c'mon now already; I'm just respoinding to comments arising out of them, so what's wrong with that?
As far as defending myself against being "evil", yes I have to, if only b/c some (not all) ppl responding have been rather demonizing and judgmental (i.e., the references to wanting to "shoot", "kick me", in certain notable anatomical places, etc.)
Yikes, I had to do a quick Google to find out what AFAIK means. I am now educated where yet another acronym is concerned. Yes, I see you're finally trying to keep up with relevant answers to relevant questions but if you truly believe that this is THE relationship to end all (provided she's not underage, of course) then why after all this time haven't you gone to meet her nor asked for more information from her to ascertain whether or not she is who she says she is?
As far as "demonizing and judgmental comments" on either of your threads, I think you're reading way more into just a very few than is warranted. The majority has expressed concern and offered good advice but you seem to prefer wasting time explaining yourself to the minority when you could just simply ignore them.
Now what, who says anything is evil about you? Far from it in my eyes. We had this discussion before when I told you right here on CD in the People Search section, this man was emailing this women back and forth for a couple of months and asked her to marry him without meeting him. Long story short, she took her photo off the internet and this was a game to her. This guy was devastated to say the least. He flew in to her supposedly hometown and couldn't find her. He took off 3 weeks from work and was beside himself. I felt so sorry for him. I just don't want this to happen to you.
We also suggested in another thread to research her name, etc. You have not done that yet. I just think you need to see her right now even for a day to see if everything is ok and she is who she says she is.
I really, really hope that it does turn out for you. But as a mother of a daughter, I would be extremely leery of an older man courting my daughter who hid the relationship from me. Now her parents might be ok with it and you will be accepted. You don't know until you take this friendship to the next level.
Thanks for your concern, and the kind thoughts. And many thanks for the helpful PeopleSearch reminder -- I will definitely investigate that more closely.
Put it this way: A guy fell in love with me in the Internet. I fell in love with him over the first phone call. It was't a REAL relationship until we actually met each other and experienced ALL five senses.
I think that part of the self esteem problem is YOU!! In her real life, everyone treats her like a regular and average girl. Then YOU are online telling her how wonderful and special she is. She probably doesn't understand why YOU think that she's so awesome, but everyone else just thinks her a normal person. Stop filling up her head and heart with compliments. You are creating a narcissistic young woman, and that's mentally very unhealthy for her.
Stop putting her on a pedestal and trying to make a princess of her. At her young age, what you're doing to her is very bad for her.
She is anything *but* narcissistic...believe me, "narcissistic" is most definitely not what she is She is actually very shy and sweet, but has what I can only perceive to be an overall negative self-image.
I just want her, to feel loved and valued, for all the special things, that she is.
Yikes, I had to do a quick Google to find out what AFAIK means. I am now educated where yet another acronym is concerned. Yes, I see you're finally trying to keep up with relevant answers to relevant questions but if you truly believe that this is THE relationship to end all (provided she's not underage, of course) then why after all this time haven't you gone to meet her nor asked for more information from her to ascertain whether or not she is who she says she is?
As far as "demonizing and judgmental comments" on either of your threads, I think you're reading way more into just a very few than is warranted. The majority has expressed concern and offered good advice but you seem to prefer wasting time explaining yourself to the minority when you could just simply ignore them.
Can't visit her atm, b/c no available travel funds or vacation time...gotta save up for both, before I can actually do that.
Thanks for your concern, and the kind thoughts. And many thanks for the helpful PeopleSearch reminder -- I will definitely investigate that more closely.
But you keep saying you will look into the PeopleSearch and never do. We had this thread discussion about 2 weeks ago. Now another thread and it's back to researching her again.
My question is, Knight, why are you hesitant to find out the truth out this girl? Why are you not flying to see her? You have a good government job, you could call in sick on Fri or Mon and go see her over a long weekend. Why the hesitation to take this relationship to another level? Could it be that deep down, something is not right and you don't want to admit it?
Please, you are so in love with her that you really need to go see her NOW. If she is all that she says she is then move to the next level of meeting her parents.
I believe what Julie says should also be done about taking this friendship and it's details to the religion section and see what others think.
I would just hate for you to be devastated by this experience. Because there are girls out there that would be perfect for you.
Also when I told you what I would do to you if you came after my daughter - wasn't because you were evil or I wasn't being judgmental. It is a parent's reaction to shield their child from harm.
Until you are honest and forthright to her parents, you will be a secret and that will make them distrust you and your intentions.
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More than anything, I want her to feel loved, cherished, and happy -- and to love herself completely, too. Thoughts?
I am now educated where yet another acronym is concerned. Yes, I see you're finally trying to keep up with relevant answers to relevant questions but if you truly believe that this is THE relationship to end all (provided she's not underage, of course) then why after all this time haven't you gone to meet her nor asked for more information from her to ascertain whether or not she is who she says she is?
She is actually very shy and sweet, but has what I can only perceive to be an overall negative self-image.