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No, they cheat because they are cheaters. A person with integrity will either fix what's wrong in their marriage or get out of the marriage before sleeping with someone else. A person who commits adultery because they are bored or find their marriage lacking passion or sex or emtional fullfillment is a cad. Have the decency to get a divorce first.
Even if you live in a state where you have to wait a year for a divorce?
Will not a formal separation suffice?
I think that once 2 people are separated, with clearly no intent to reconcile and are filing for divorce, all bets are off.
I do agree re: staying in a marriage and sneaking around, though.
Actually I think Ivory's post was essentially true. You're right that life is not simple (far from it), but cheating is a simple concept: if you love your partner, you don't cheat. Period.
May none of us will ever have to go through this, but...
If s/he admitted it was wrong and tell you they still are very much in love with you and want to save the relationship, would you take them back?
Would you stay together for children only?
Would you ever be able to trust/love them again?
Would you ever truly forgive them?
My first task, would be to see what I had done, or wasn't doing, that drove my partner to stray...I have a bit of a temper (just read some of my posts sometime LOL), but I'm not one of those ignorant go-rilla types that wants to whip everybody's a** when I'm mad...ESPECIALLY not a woman...
I also love hard, and deep...to find out that I had been cheated on, no matter if it was a one-nighter, fueled by booze, lust, and/or loneliness, or a long term, drawn-out, hot, steamy supermarket-tabloid knock boots wherever you get a chance affair, would be nothing short of devastating...
Now here's the REALLY hard part---the one about, if they admitted being wrong, and said they still loved me, and wanted to stay with me and save the relationship...would I take them back? I'll be brutally honest---I'd find out how many ways and languages I could use to utter the words 'hell no!'
And I'll tell you why...my first thought would be 'if you loooove me so much, and cared soooo much the relationship/marriage, then why were you somewhere with some other man, coupled together like rottweilers in heat?...what the expletive did I do that was so drastic, you had to go bring in a stunt d**k?'
Would I ever be able to trust or love them again? That's probably a negatory too, because if I DID, then I'd be haunted by the thought that another man's jackson had been inside my woman, and I'd go straight into CIA-surveillance non-trust mode...why? If she did it once, even though she's back in my life now, what's to stop her from getting peeved about something, and picking up the phone and calling Mr Stunt-Jackson and saying 'yo baby...it's on!'?
That would make me seriously stop and examine myself, and what was going on that caused her to see another man...
Now to the final question...would/could I ever truly forgive them? Probably not...and if I were the cheater, and not the cheated-upon, I would expect the same...that's our relationship you just tore asunder, sweetness! If you didn't want to make a bunch of lawyers rich, you should have never listened to your girl Shaniqua, y'know the one who's always in your ear about 'girrrlll, you should hit that---he'd never know!' ...I would have to then let her see my framed certificate that acknowledges that I am king, president, governor, and ruler for life of the Land Of I Ain't Havin It
Nope. My sex drive is alive and well. Unfortunately, about twice as alive and well as my husband's. That is not an excuse to cheat.
Adultry pretty much is black and white. You're either guilty or not. Reasons for breaking a vow don't matter. They're just excuses to justify getting what you want. I can make all kinds of excuses up to do all kinds of things. That doesn't justify my doing them or make my actions right. For some reason, you feel compelled to justify cheating when it can't be justified. Cheating is a choice plain and simple.
The fact that people live in the same situations and choose not to cheat proves that cheating is a choice. Cheaters choose to cheat. Plain and simple.
Even a one time cheating event is a choice. All cheating is a choice. You're either the type of person who will choose to cheat or you're not. If you are, you're not worth keeping. There are too many people with integrity out there to choose from.
I absolutely agree with you! There is NO justification in cheating either once or multiple times. If you love someone, you chose not to cheat so that you don't hurt or disrespect that person.
Really I don't see the wisdom of confessing a one time fling. If the cheater has no intention of a repeat what would be the point of telling your SO? It's almost as selfish as the act! I honestly would rather not know about a one time fling,it would end all trust in my spouse!
Yes it does.
The only reason I can come up with for my husband telling me was to show me how easily I can be replaced. There are some men who are so arrogant that they think another woman wanting them should make them more attractive to their spouse. As if they're saying "Look at the catch you have".
I can't imagine I'd ever cheat (I've had plenty of opportunity over the years) but if I did, I'd end the marriage. I couldn't live a lie and I woudln't expect my husband to either.
I absolutely agree with you! There is NO justification in cheating either once or multiple times. If you love someone, you chose not to cheat so that you don't hurt or disrespect that person.
Cheating, above all else, is an act of disrespect towards your spouse. It makes no sense to me to hurt someone you, supposedly, love that way. To put your own desires above a promise you made to never hurt them this way is just plain wrong in any light.
I have a more than zero tolerance policy for infidelity. I'm talking, if I find an email or a text message that even contemplates having a fling, I'm changing the locks and your stuff will be sitting on the lawn.
I would expect nothing less in return from my fiance.
I have a more than zero tolerance policy for infidelity. I'm talking, if I find an email or a text message that even contemplates having a fling, I'm changing the locks and your stuff will be sitting on the lawn.
I would expect nothing less in return from my fiance.
Perfect post. Well I suspect his stuff on the lawn might have jad a slight "accident" with a blowtorch before but .... I too would expect nothing else from Hubby. I expect to be treated as I would treat him. No special treatment for me either.
Cheating was one of the serious issues we discussed very openly when we first got serious and we made it very clear to each other that it would never tolerated. We basically told each other that we would be honest about not wanting the other person and would leave but NEVER EVER would cheat. Divorce yes. Leaving yes. Cheating NO. N.O.
I could never love someone I did not trust and did not respect. And certainly I could never stay with someone I would instantly hate, loathe and despise. I would want to hurt him so bad it would basically destroy me and him in the process.
If you love someone you do not cheat. I obviously have a very different definition of loving someone. To me loving someone is putting them first, thinking of their needs before yours, respecting them , being loyal and kind to them and treating them well. How hopping into bed with some other guy/gal for a little nookie is love is beyond me. It demonstrates nothing but contempt, dishonesty, lack of character, nastiness and disloyalty and cruelty. How is that love exactly ?
In my world, you spouse no longer does it for you and is no longer good enough for you, you talk about your problems and try to resolve them. When that fails you split up. Before you open up your legs or your zipper. Not after.
Last edited by Mooseketeer; 03-15-2011 at 07:43 AM..
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The Captain Sayeth This...
I can make all kinds of excuses up to do all kinds of things. That doesn't justify my doing them or make my actions right. For some reason, you feel compelled to justify cheating when it can't be justified. Cheating is a choice plain and simple. 
Cheating, above all else, is an act of disrespect towards your spouse. It makes no sense to me to hurt someone you, supposedly, love that way. To put your own desires above a promise you made to never hurt them this way is just plain wrong in any light.
