He says "I am not ready for a relationship". How long do I wait? What do I do? What is our status? (date, women)

[confusedandlost]

I am in a complicated situation and would really appreciate a feedback.

A few months ago, my friend introduced me to this guy she has known for a while. He began to try to get to know me in December but she got a little jealous and had him stop. He would send a text here and there and we had several phone conversations. Called to wish me a Merry Christmas and it all went well. Finally, she made him stop. I began to miss him and finally decided that life is short and to take a chance. I messaged him and we have been talking since Feb 1st every night. Conversations that go on until 3 or 4 am. He took me out 4 or 5 times and every time has been great.


He kissed me on the cheek on the first date and cuddled with me throughout the movie. We do this every date. He even came over and ended up spending the night. (Nothing sexual---I told him I wasn’t comfortable and he respected that) We kissed passionately all night and cuddled. It was so romantic and he made my bed the next morning :-P He told me that he began to think about “us” more. We talk about the future like how we both are gonna travel Europe and see Hawaii. He showed a picture of me and him to his family (which is big in my culture).



He even told me he loved me and he loves hearing my voice and misses me, etc etc. However, he also told me he wants to take things slow and “he doesn’t want a relationship right now”. Now, he told my friend this back in December before I was ever in the picture so I know it is something he said before I even came in.



Which confused the hell out of me. Me and him got into our first fight a week ago. He called me while I was drunk and I said something stupid. (Lesson here is NEVER talk to people you are emotionally attached to when you’re drunk, LOL) Anyways, we argued about it the next day and several times he said “our relationship”. What the hell?? This is after his “He doesn’t want a relationship”. He told me that night to not contact him and he needed space from me now because he didn’t ask me to come into his life and cause him to question himself. I said “Excuse me, but YOU came after me and then told me you’re not ready for a relationship.” And we just fought. Anyways, after telling me to not contact him, he didn’t even last a day. The next morning, he told me he liked me too much and nothing would change that and that he was sorry. We have been doing a lot better and planning a date for later this week.


Problem is I know I am getting attached to this guy. I have never ever dated or liked a man of my culture and I already have so many dreams and hopes attached to him. I know it has only been a month but I can’t help it. I have always been worried about shaming my family by bringing home a non Indian man. He is the first Indian guy I found attractive and I get along with. His beliefs align mine (against cultural norms, non religious, Democrat, liberal) and yet we differ enough to keep interest. He told me he wanted me to know that I am not just a kissing buddy but that his feelings are truly genuine. When me and him fought and he told me not to contact hm, he did the next day. I ignored him and he began to panic. Said he nearly had a panic attack thinking I was really gone. My friend verifies all these things since she has known him for years. Our age range is good. I am 22 and he is 23.



The reason why he is says he is weary of relationships is because girls in the past hurt him. He dated 2 women and both relationships weren’t good. His last one was 2 years on and off. His first one was about 2 months. I told him everyone has exes that hurt him and that he shouldn’t write me off because of them.



I know it has only been a month and a half but I want your opinion. What do I do? I asked a couple of my friends and they say to give him until May and if he is still dancing to the same tune, move on. What can I do to make him want to commit? Anyone been in a situation similar to this? Everything seems to be so fine between me and him and he says he loves me and we kiss and everything. He says he is scared of losing me and panics. He did slip up and say “our relationship” when he fought. And as much as I want to be with him, I have to watch out for myself too. I don’t know or whats going on.



Thank you guys so much for your input. Rep will be given!

PS-As I typed this up, he texted me saying he is thinking of me. :-P

[lovesMountains]

Honey, you CANNOT EVER "do" anything to make someone commit to you, so get that out of your head, okay?

When a guy tells you they "don't want a relationship" right now, BELIEVE THEM or risk getting your heart broken. You are, however, free to hang around for as long as you want to see if he changes his mind over time. I wouldn't recommend doing that too long though, maybe a month or two.

And to clarify the words for you - you do have a "relationship" with him simply by knowing him at all - but you are not IN a relationship with him, see the difference?

[PA2UK]

Run away. He tells you he loves you and then tells you he's not ready for a relationship? This is a disaster waiting to happen - get out while you're still not entirely emotionally invested.

I'm also confused as to why your friends put a stop to your budding relationship though - does she have feelings for him? Why would she be jealous of two of her friends getting together?

[recuerdeme]

This means he doesn't want a relationship with you...

You are either a rebound or something to kill time... uhm both.

The feeling of being intimate is nice but he doesn't want the pressure or responsibility of maintaining anything.

You shouldn't wait... (although you probably will ) because he'll eventually turn cold on you when he has healed himself.

[confusedandlost]

Originally Posted by PA2UK

Run away. He tells you he loves you and then tells you he's not ready for a relationship? This is a disaster waiting to happen - get out while you're still not entirely emotionally invested.

I'm also confused as to why your friends put a stop to your budding relationship though - does she have feelings for him? Why would she be jealous of two of her friends getting together?

Yeah, I think she does. She doesnt know me and him are talking.

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Honey, you CANNOT EVER "do" anything to make someone commit to you, so get that aout of your head, okay?

When a guy tells you they "don't want a relationship" right now, BELIEVE THEM or risk getting your heart broken.

And to clarify the words for you - you do have a "relationship" with him simply by knowing him at all - but you are not IN a relationship with him, see the difference?

I know what you all mean. I guess my question is we have been talking for a month only so far. Should I give it another month or so? So I have no regrets?

I do agree a month is a little short of time. I was thinking waiting til May sounds reasonable. Do you all agree?

[h886]

Well, I would spell out what I wanted. If you want a relationship, I would say, "I find you very attractive and I'm interested in a relationship. Are you looking for the same thing?" I think it's never a good idea to spend a lot of time on someone who doesn't know what they want or who seems to be hot and cold. You could wind up wasting good months or years on someone who just isn't looking for the same things you are.

I wouldn't take his comment to your friend (maybe I read this wrong) of, "I'm not looking for a relationship," to mean too much, unless you hear it from him. He said it before he met you, he didn't say it to you, and you heard this secondhand through her. She could possibly have other motives. On the other hand, I'm not sure this guy is really acting interested either. I think you need to talk to him, and more directly than you have so far.

[confusedandlost]

Originally Posted by h886

Well, I would spell out what I wanted. If you want a relationship, I would say, "I find you very attractive and I'm interested in a relationship. Are you looking for the same thing?" I think it's never a good idea to spend a lot of time on someone who doesn't know what they want or who seems to be hot and cold. You could wind up wasting good months or years on someone who just isn't looking for the same things you are.

I wouldn't take his comment to your friend (maybe I read this wrong) of, "I'm not looking for a relationship," to mean too much, unless you hear it from him. He said it before he met you, he didn't say it to you, and you heard this secondhand through her. She could possibly have other motives. On the other hand, I'm not sure this guy is really acting interested either. I think you need to talk to him, and more directly than you have so far.

Well no, he did tell me he is not ready for a relationship just yet himself.

I know it is not a good idea. I guess what I am trying to do is get an idea of how long I should wait. I really like this guy and see so much potential for me and him. But once again, I cant force anything. I understand that.

And I want to be more direct but like I said, we have only been talking for a month.

How do I know if he being genuine versus using me for rebound?

[Ulysses61]

Saying"I am not ready for a relationship" is synonymous with saying, "I am not interested in you." It's just a line, commonly used by both men and women, when they politely want to let you know they're not into you.

It's exactly the same as using another line, "It's not you, it's me." And RUN from any man who says, "I love you" but then uses his other "not ready" line.

Another hackneyed blow off line.

[h886]

Originally Posted by confusedandlost

Well no, he did tell me he is not ready for a relationship just yet himself.

I know it is not a good idea. I guess what I am trying to do is get an idea of how long I should wait. I really like this guy and see so much potential for me and him. But once again, I cant force anything. I understand that.

And I want to be more direct but like I said, we have only been talking for a month. How do I know if he being genuine versus using me for rebound?

Okay, (sorry I read it wrong, I'm tired today!) under those circumstances I would say that you need to take this guy at his word and back away. When someone is telling you bad news, you need to listen. There is a good reason to lie and tell someone good news (you get something you want, you make them happy, whatever), but there is no good reason to lie and tell someone bad news... which is why people rarely do it. So when he says he doesn't want a relationship, he's probably telling the truth.

Here's where you need to be strong. You waiting around hoping is not going to change anything. It will not make him want you if he doesn't. It will not make him want a relationship if he doesn't. However, you can keep your power by not settling for something unacceptable, and this means that if you've told him, "I like you, and I would like a relationship" and he doesn't want to offer that to you? You let him go. That's how you keep your power. Otherwise if you follow along like a puppy on a leash, he will know he can do anything he wants with you, treat you any way he wants, and you will nod and say it's fine.

If he says he is not looking for a relationship right now, you can nod, smile and say, "That's too bad. You seem like a nice guy. If anything changes, you can give me a call. If I'm still single at that point, maybe we could go out again." Don't wait around for him.

[headhunter18]

I would say, MOVE ON.