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Saying"I am not ready for a relationship" is synonymous with saying, "I am not interested in you." It's just a line, commonly used by both men and women, when they politely want to let you know they're not into you.
It's exactly the same as using another line, "It's not you, it's me." And RUN from any man who says, "I love you" but then uses his other "not ready" line.
Another hackneyed blow off line.
Then why does he say he is hurt by the thought of me bring with another man? Why does he get worried and full of panic when I don't reply to him after a fight? Why does he say he is thinking of me randomly? Why the 3 or 4 hour phone convos every night? He treats me like a real woman every time we are together. If he not into me, why all these things and more?
I don't understand what the hell is going on. Everyone here seems to be set on he is using me but isn't a month too short of a time to determine that?
Meh...anyone been in a similar situation? I dont know what to do.
Then why does he say he is hurt by the thought of me bring with another man? Why does he get worried and full of panic when I don't reply to him after a fight? Why does he say he is thinking of me randomly? Why the 3 or 4 hour phone convos every night? He treats me like a real woman every time we are together. If he not into me, why all these things and more?
I don't understand what the hell is going on. Everyone here seems to be set on he is using me but isn't a month too short of a time to determine that?
Meh...anyone been in a similar situation? I dont know what to do.
He's obviously as confused as you are and not a safe bet to trust your heart with.
I call what he is doing "yo-yoing". He wants you, he doesn't want you. He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to want you.
I'm betting you are as cute as a button, right? Really pretty? He's probably very attracted to you physically even though he's not ready for any kind of emotional connection and that's why he can't just let you go.
Sure, a month is too soon to know anything. Give it some time if you like. Just be careful not to invest too much of yourself in him while you are waiting to see if he sorts out his confusion.
Then why does he say he is hurt by the thought of me bring with another man? Why does he get worried and full of panic when I don't reply to him after a fight? Why does he say he is thinking of me randomly? Why the 3 or 4 hour phone convos every night? He treats me like a real woman every time we are together. If he not into me, why all these things and more?
I don't understand what the hell is going on. Everyone here seems to be set on he is using me but isn't a month too short of a time to determine that?
Meh...anyone been in a similar situation? I dont know what to do.
I feel for you. I think we've all been in this sort of situation before. Some guys (and girls) act really interested in some ways, but whenever it comes time to show they want commitment or a real relationship, they back away.
So this guy probably likes kissing you and more when you are together. He undoubtedly finds you attractive. He probably likes talking to you on the phone. He doesn't want you with another man.
But all of these are selfish wants. Is he willing to give you what you want too? Is he willing to be a real boyfriend? Have a real relationship or does he just want to play around and "play" like you are boyfriend and girlfriend (all the perks) without having to make the commitment?
I think it's worth talking to him about, bluntly. Don't play around, be coy, or wait hanging on his arm. Tell him what you want. A relationship. Ask him if he's willing to try being your boyfriend for real. If he is? Great, give it a shot. If he says no, or he wheedles and doesn't give you a real answer, then that IS your answer. Don't take his scraps. If he wants to make out and do everything except be your boyfriend, tell him, "I really like you and I would like to pursue a relationship with you, but I'm looking for something serious. If you want that too, great. If you don't, I'm going to need to look for someone who wants the same things as me."
Then stop "playing" girlfriend. It's the whole "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" argument. If he is saying, "No, I won't buy that cow," then for goodness sakes, quit giving away your milk! No more spending the night, making out, taking his calls, etc.
He's obviously as confused as you are and not a safe bet to trust your heart with.
I call what he is doing "yo-yoing". He wants you, he doesn't want you. He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to want you.
I'm betting you are as cute as a button, right? Really pretty? He's probably very attracted to you physically even though he's not ready for any kind of emotional connection and that's why he can't just let you go.
Sure, a month is too soon to know anything. Give it some time if you like. Just be careful not to invest too much of yourself in him while you are waiting to see if he sorts out his confusion.
I am not confused. I know I have the ability to commit. Give him my 100 percent. I am very attracted to him and see many qualities I like. But once again, I respect the fact that we have only been talking a month and a half. That is why my friends and cousins tell me to wait until May before I make any decisions.
And he knows I am the same way. I tell him he isn't allowed to see women on the side (jokingly of course) and he says I am the only one he is talking too in that way. I would get pissed if he was with another woman. He knows it. He tells me he isnt going anywhere anytime soon.
And about the physical attraction. Ordinarily, yeah that would be true. But we talked on the phone for 2 or 3 weeks before he even saw me. He was trying to get to know me and talk to me before he even saw me. Thats the thing. My friend had me talk on the phone with him and ever since then, he started to ask her about me before he even saw a picture of me. He had an attraction to me before he met me. I thought that maybe he didn't like my appearance but he kissed me on the first date and we make out and talk every night on the phone.
Like he pursued me. And now he just isn't ready? It makes no sense. Like I said, he let it slip a couple times "our relationship" when we were fighting last week so I have no idea. I guess I will bring it up to him in a couple weeks..?
How long do you all suggest being in the dating deciding phase?
And about the physical attraction. Ordinarily, yeah that would be true. But we talked on the phone for 2 or 3 weeks before he even saw me. He was trying to get to know me and talk to me before he even saw me. Thats the thing. My friend had me talk on the phone with him and ever since then, he started to ask her about me before he even saw a picture of me. He had an attraction to me before he met me. I thought that maybe he didn't like my appearance but he kissed me on the first date and we make out and talk every night on the phone.
Like he pursued me. And now he just isn't ready? It makes no sense. Like I said, he let it slip a couple times "our relationship" when we were fighting last week so I have no idea. I guess I will bring it up to him in a couple weeks..?
How long do you all suggest being in the dating deciding phase?
I don't hear anyone arguing that he isn't attracted to you. All of your examples indicate that he is attracted to you. He makes out with you. He talks to you on the phone. He spends the night and makes out with you in bed.
However, all of that is irrelevant.
What you are professing to want is a guy who wants to be your boyfriend, who wants to be in a real relationship with you, not just make out with you. It is much easier for a guy to just make out with a girl (or have sex with her--he may be hoping you two progress to that if he waits around) rather than commit to being her boyfriend and all that it entails. I worry that you may be fooling yourself into thinking that because he does this or that, it indicates interest.
I think a month and a half is plenty of time (more than enough time, in fact) to get to know you, to see what you are like and to decide whether you two are compatible enough to pursue a relationship. This doesn't mean you have to get married tomorrow, but more than enough time has already passed for him to decide if he wants to make you his girlfriend and really give things an honest try or not.
I think you need to respect yourself and to behave in such a way that shows him that you value yourself. Waiting around hoping gives 100% of the power to him and none to you. Telling him that you really like him and want to talk about where this is going between you, then sharing that you would like to pursue a relationship puts the power more 50/50. You are telling him that you have value and are looking for a man who recognizes that, not settling for whatever scraps he will throw you.
Yeah, I think she does. She doesnt know me and him are talking.
That doesn't make you a very good friend then.
Quote:
I know what you all mean. I guess my question is we have been talking for a month only so far. Should I give it another month or so? So I have no regrets?
I do agree a month is a little short of time. I was thinking waiting til May sounds reasonable. Do you all agree?
I don't think you should - I think all that will do is allow you to get even more emotionally invested and then it will be even more difficult to break it off. But it sounds to me like you've already made up your mind to give it another month or two and you just want someone to tell you it's okay.
I am not confused. I know I have the ability to commit. Give him my 100 percent. I am very attracted to him and see many qualities I like. But once again, I respect the fact that we have only been talking a month and a half. That is why my friends and cousins tell me to wait until May before I make any decisions.
And he knows I am the same way. I tell him he isn't allowed to see women on the side (jokingly of course) and he says I am the only one he is talking too in that way. I would get pissed if he was with another woman. He knows it. He tells me he isnt going anywhere anytime soon.
And about the physical attraction. Ordinarily, yeah that would be true. But we talked on the phone for 2 or 3 weeks before he even saw me. He was trying to get to know me and talk to me before he even saw me. Thats the thing. My friend had me talk on the phone with him and ever since then, he started to ask her about me before he even saw a picture of me. He had an attraction to me before he met me. I thought that maybe he didn't like my appearance but he kissed me on the first date and we make out and talk every night on the phone.
Like he pursued me. And now he just isn't ready? It makes no sense. Like I said, he let it slip a couple times "our relationship" when we were fighting last week so I have no idea. I guess I will bring it up to him in a couple weeks..?
How long do you all suggest being in the dating deciding phase?
If you aren't "confused" then why title yourself confusedandlost??
I don't hear anyone arguing that he isn't attracted to you. All of your examples indicate that he is attracted to you. He makes out with you. He talks to you on the phone. He spends the night and makes out with you in bed.
However, all of that is irrelevant.
What you are professing to want is a guy who wants to be your boyfriend, who wants to be in a real relationship with you, not just make out with you. It is much easier for a guy to just make out with a girl (or have sex with her--he may be hoping you two progress to that if he waits around) rather than commit to being her boyfriend and all that it entails. I worry that you may be fooling yourself into thinking that because he does this or that, it indicates interest.
I think a month and a half is plenty of time (more than enough time, in fact) to get to know you, to see what you are like and to decide whether you two are compatible enough to pursue a relationship. This doesn't mean you have to get married tomorrow, but more than enough time has already passed for him to decide if he wants to make you his girlfriend and really give things an honest try or not.
I think you need to respect yourself and to behave in such a way that shows him that you value yourself. Waiting around hoping gives 100% of the power to him and none to you. Telling him that you really like him and want to talk about where this is going between you, then sharing that you would like to pursue a relationship puts the power more 50/50. You are telling him that you have value and are looking for a man who recognizes that, not settling for whatever scraps he will throw you.
If you aren't "confused" then why title yourself confusedandlost??
LMAO! Good catch. You got me there.
But I know what I want. Just wondering what he is thinking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by h886
I don't hear anyone arguing that he isn't attracted to you. All of your examples indicate that he is attracted to you. He makes out with you. He talks to you on the phone. He spends the night and makes out with you in bed.
However, all of that is irrelevant.
What you are professing to want is a guy who wants to be your boyfriend, who wants to be in a real relationship with you, not just make out with you. It is much easier for a guy to just make out with a girl (or have sex with her--he may be hoping you two progress to that if he waits around) rather than commit to being her boyfriend and all that it entails. I worry that you may be fooling yourself into thinking that because he does this or that, it indicates interest.
I think a month and a half is plenty of time (more than enough time, in fact) to get to know you, to see what you are like and to decide whether you two are compatible enough to pursue a relationship. This doesn't mean you have to get married tomorrow, but more than enough time has already passed for him to decide if he wants to make you his girlfriend and really give things an honest try or not.
I think you need to respect yourself and to behave in such a way that shows him that you value yourself. Waiting around hoping gives 100% of the power to him and none to you. Telling him that you really like him and want to talk about where this is going between you, then sharing that you would like to pursue a relationship puts the power more 50/50. You are telling him that you have value and are looking for a man who recognizes that, not settling for whatever scraps he will throw you.
He only spent the night once. Sorry it makes it seem like it was more than just that. And thank you for your input. It really helps. I think I will be laying it down on him soon.
I just dont understand why people do this. A new person is a new relationship. If people hurt you in the past, why punish the new potential person?
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK
That doesn't make you a very good friend then.
I don't think you should - I think all that will do is allow you to get even more emotionally invested and then it will be even more difficult to break it off. But it sounds to me like you've already made up your mind to give it another month or two and you just want someone to tell you it's okay.
Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
My advice: RELAX. Be zen. Take it one day at a time. Expect nothing and let him settle down a little.
He seems to be fighting with himself over what he wants, so just give him time and do nothing. RELAX.
Yeah I am trying to relax. I don't know what to do though. How long to wait? If or when he will ever ask me to be his girl.
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