How long would you stay with a jobless person? (long-term, partner, different)
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We got married in November 2013 because I guess I’m kind of stupid. ��
I’m still supporting him financially, or at least I have been for the past three years. I did get a three year break, at least. Six months after we moved to Colorado, he did end up getting a job in his field (he’s an auditor). I thought everything was great then, but not even six months into our marriage (three years after he got the job), he was asked to leave because he yelled at his boss for what he thinks was a terrible decision. I’ve been supporting him ever since.
He said he wasn’t good at being an employee after he lost that job and really wanted to be self-employed, so he got a real estate license and tried doing that for a year and a half. He wasn’t able to make much doing that (we actually ended up $17k in debt because Remax requires you to pay a monthly fee to use their name and tools, etc).
He looked for work for about a year after he officially gave up the real estate thing and went on a few interviews, but got nothing. I felt like he could have been more aggressive with his job search (he was definitely not applying for 15-20 jobs a day, nor did he take the advice I passed onto him from a recruiter I worked with). I did finally convince him to take a job, any job, and he started working at grocery store last August. He makes $10 an hour and works less than 30 hours a week. No healthcare, so he has Obamacare at $250 a month (1/4 of what he makes a month, he says). I could probably pay for that, but I already paid for his healthcare for two years, in addition to the mortgage, the electric bill, the internet, the phone bill, the $17k bad business debt and most of the groceries. He only recently started helping out with the groceries. He says he can’t afford to do any more than that because he has credit card debt, car insurance and health insurance. And expensive car maintenance, he has an Acura and insists it requires premium gas. Repairs are also expensive and he just recently went from full coverage and liability-only, after being nagged by me about it for months. And he has like $30k in student loans that are in forbearance. I have a feeling that’s going to balloon into an unpleasant surprise once he gets around to paying them off.
He has also been verbally abusive in the past, confirmed by a therapist (though he swears he’s changed), and I’m having a really hard time even trying to get over how he’s made me feel about myself. And I would say his online video game is a bigger priority than I am. He might be addicted to it.
I don’t know…I could go on and on. Obviously, I’m not happy and I know what I should do. I’m not perfect and I know I’ve made mistakes, but what’s the point in sticking with someone who you can’t depend on for anything and who only acts like they love you when you say you want to divorce or maybe when they want sex? It’s not like we have kids or anything.
I did try to divorce him last October. Acting on the advice of my lawyer, I was going to continue to live under the same roof as him, so I’d have a better chance of being awarded the house in the settlement (it’s not like he could afford it if we split, so I don’t know why he’d have a problem with that). That didn’t work out at all. He would badger me the whole time I was home, trying to convince me that I did love him and I didn’t want to split up, that I made a promise to be with him for better or for worse, etc. Basically saying whatever he could think of to get me to say what he wanted me to say. Which I eventually would do, because I just wanted to get him to shut up.
It’s too hard to deal with that at home while I’m also trying to keep my full time job that pays ALL of our joint bills. So, I’m thinking I’ll try to move out after we fix up the house a little bit (so it can be refinanced or sold if we get a divorce). I don't have much left after paying all the bills, but I might be able to get a roommate or stay with a friend for a little while. I care less about the house than I used to. It is extremely hard for me to do anything about this (other than complain), though. I’m hoping I’m strong enough to follow through. I know it’s ridiculous to stay together. We’re at the same place we were six years ago. Things aren’t going to change.
Thanks for the update . It is always interesting to hear what happened to people.
I have nothing else to say. You dug your own grave. You know how to get out of it. Good luck.
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 674,351 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
Thanks for the update . It is always interesting to hear what happened to people.
I have nothing else to say. You dug your own grave. You know how to get out of it. Good luck.
I love how brutally but gently honest you are with your advice. You remind me of my bestie that moved away to another country a few years ago (I miss her so much). You typed what I was thinking!
Yes, after reading more of your story, I would divorce him. There is no future with someone who plays video games all the time, won't work and is verbally abusive to the person who is supporting him financially. Stop trying to change him or help him. He is who he is. You need to find someone else, don't waste any more years of your life with this person and find someone else while you are still young enough to do it. How are you going to save for retirement with a person like this? It's harder to rebuild your life when you get older. Once you reach your 40s, 50s it's going to be just around the corner. Get out now.
Yeah, I haven't contributed to my 401k in a long time. Things look kind of bleak.
Omg, WHY did you marry him?? You sound like the kind of person that I am - the type of person who gives people wayyy too many chances and who has hope that the person in question will want to change for themselves and also so they can try to make their relationship work. It's obvious that this is probably NOT going to happen with regard to your husband.
Girl.....you need to start making preparations to move out and get divorced RIGHT NOW. Do NOT allow him to gaslight you into thinking that any of this is YOUR fault! Just ignore everything that he says to convince you of that and just play along as though everything is okay and "normal". Seriously.
I know that you've been paying all the bills and probably don't have much money left to put a deposit down on an apartment - is there a family member or a friend that can help you out with this? You need to GET OUT of there a.s.a.p! The longer you stay in that environment, the more it's going to continue to negatively affect your emotions and your spiritual well-being.
For you to last this long in your situation, it shows that you have a strong spirit. Use your inner strength to get yourself OUT of your marriage and to get this guy OUT of your LIFE! You CAN DO THIS. Really.
I'll be praying for you.
Thank you. I'm lucky to know a few supportive people and one who would likely take me in for awhile if I want to get away. I'm kind embarrassed to ask, though, since this would be like the third time I've said I was going to leave and still haven't. And I don't like asking for help in the first place. I should get over that, though.
I have been a bit depressed and unmotivated to do anything more than the bare minimum to get by (which means the thought of moving out overwhelms me). But I know that, in the long run, my mental health would be better if I got away.
Wow. Pretty surprised you married him. You said you are stupid, but aside from that... really, why? I am assuming you married when he was working? but really, why?
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 674,351 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjohnson4381
Thank you. I'm lucky to know a few supportive people and one who would likely take me in for awhile if I want to get away. I'm kind embarrassed to ask, though, since this would be like the third time I've said I was going to leave and still haven't. And I don't like asking for help in the first place. I should get over that, though.
I have been a bit depressed and unmotivated to do anything more than the bare minimum to get by (which means the thought of moving out overwhelms me). But I know that, in the long run, my mental health would be better if I got away.
I'm going through something vaguely similar to what you're going through right now. I've been putting off moving out and moving on with my life because I'm hoping that my SO will take it upon himself to fix HIS issues BY HIMSELF *without* ANY prompting from me...but, I have realized - thanks to the wonderful posters on here and my constant introspection - that the longer I stay with him, the longer HE will PUT OFF improving HIS situation and HIS issues.
Please...do NOT put it off any longer. Within the next 3 to 4 weeks, you NEED to EXTRICATE YOURSELF from your situation and from your MARRIAGE. Let your "husband" fend for himself.
Look out for YOURSELF...because HE *won't*.
Blessings to you.
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. It is always interesting to hear what happened to people. 
You remind me of my bestie that moved away to another country a few years ago (I miss her so much). You typed what I was thinking! 
You sound like the kind of person that I am - the type of person who gives people wayyy too many chances and who has hope that the person in question will want to change for themselves and also so they can try to make their relationship work. It's obvious that this is probably NOT going to happen with regard to your husband. 
