Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
In today's high tech society of cell phones , we place too much pressure on others to contact each other at any minute of the day. Not everyone in today's world likes to have their exact whereabouts known. Some like to still live for the moment and go with the flow without worrying about what someone else is thinking.
I actually agree with this philosophy and live by it. I pick up the phone only when I want to and return calls when I am ready, which may be days later. I do not believe I must be accountable for my every minute, nor that I should always be accessible.
However, my husband is the exception to that rule. He is my life partner, and I extend him the courtesy of checking in every once in awhile when we're apart, not because I feel controlled, or that he feels controlled when he calls me, just that we extend each other the highest level of respect. So no, I would never go out to eat without calling to invite him, unless I had already discussed my plans with him in advance and he had declined to come (sometimes he does that when he knows my sister and I will be shopping together.) I think it is common courtesy to contact your spouse and invite them to dinner if you will be eating.
Wow. Yes, you are overreacting. Do you always wait to know your wife's plans before eating when you are hungry?
Seems pretty simple...she's gone out, you get hungry - there's the fridge
And I'm sorry, but calling her on an "unrelated note" sounds like code for you were checking up on her
"Till death do you part" is going to be a LONG painful journey if you guys don't get a grip and start working as a team too.
Ideally, you and she would have discussed your dinner plans before she left.
HOWEVER, maybe the whole dinner with dad thing was very spontaneous and not something she anticipated before she left?
Instead of doing the little boy pout, I highly suggest you get over the drama and just use this experience as a jumping off point for conversation - not arguing - about how you will each handle situations like this in the future.
No need to keep score about who hurt whose feelings, just do the work to score as a team in your approach to issues that all married people face
You wanna see overreacting? Just do this. Next time you are out at a ballgame with the guys and y'all decide to keep the good times going and head out to a bar for a few drinks, perhaps a night on the town - "forget" to call or text the wifey. If she calls, let her know "you're out with the guys and you gotta go..." Then, when she texts, "forget" to respond.
Wait for response when you get home.
I mean, really, who's got time for a 1 or 2 minute courtesy call when you're having a good time, right?
Seriously, I don't recommend doing the above - I just wanted to illustrate a point. I agree that marriage is a long journey and it is critical to work as a team. That team needs to have - amongst other things - a foundation of mutual respect and consideration. What your wife did was thoughtless, rude and inconsiderate. Your reaction is pretty normal. I do think it needs to be discussed (hopefully not argued) and dealt with. Hopefully, she will not start up with putting you vs. her family. That would put a big wedge in my relationship - in a hurry.
Marriage - or any relationship - should be based on the golden rule. I hope your wife came home - apologized - and truly understood your feelings about this incident and keeps it in mind going forward. Hopefully, y'all won't have to "keep tabs" and do the back and forth thing that rots and kills many marriages out there.
Whether I'd be annoyed would depend on when I expected her home. If the plan was for you to have dinner with you, then she was out of line in not letting you know of the change of plans. Even if that wasn't the plan, the considerate thing would have been to call and see if you wanted her to bring something home.
I think it was very inconsiderate of your wife. If it were a one-time occurance I would let it slide (as far as getting angry), but you implied that this is not the first time something like this occurred.
My DH was probably the least controlling man on the planet, and I would never think about having dinner without texting/calling to let him know - doesn't matter who I was with.
I'm assuming in your situation you had no idea what time your wife would be coming home? When I would go out shopping I usually had no idea what time I would be home, so would check in every once in while. My DH would do the same when he would go riding with his friends.
At about 9pm they all came over, giggling and goofy like they had a good time (wife made a comment that she had a drink). No one mentioned anything, they obviously didn't see it as an issue, and I just quietly and unnoticed went away to my music room upstairs and continued playing piano. Once they left my wife asked if I was mad (over AIM, since I was still upstairs..), I said "upset that I was forgotten about and the thought to call me didn't enter your mind..."
We talked it out (over AIM, haha), she said she was sorry, that she can't make phone calls in target, but that when they went to drop something off at her fathers he got in the car and said "LETS GO EAT!" So he drove them somewhere, and she said she didn't think the wait at the restaurant would be so long..
I said "Sounds like you had plenty of time to call me, then..." The topic ended with me saying I think it was rude, that I think her family is inconsiderate of our marriage boundaries, and that I wish she would stand up for me and consider me once in awhile, even if that means telling them "No." I told her I know she's sorry, I'm not trying to be a jerk I'm just being honest and telling the truth, and if I'm wrong then show me in the future.
For the people who understand this isn't about food, thanks! I don't care about missing a meal, I just find it incredibly rude to leave someone thinking you were only going "shopping," and then turn around, add a member to the party, and now it's a night out. I understand that they are going to want to do things together as a sister/father unit, and believe me I've backed out of many outings so they could, but...don't leave me thinking you'll be home soon, when in reality you're having a meal together, drinks included.
Our families are just so different. When we were in Texas (for 4 years), my parents made it a point to include my wife. Yeah I went out shopping with my mother/sister without her, but I always asked if she wanted to go, and if we ate somewhere it was just assumed I was going to call my wife and ask if she wanted something, or to be picked up. "As a family" INCLUDED my wife. Her family on the other hand, seems to be completed by her father + 2 sisters (mother is divorced, lives an hour away). That's the unit they travel/are comfortable in, and that may have been fine at one point, but...time to grow up! Marriage should equal spreading your wings, "a family outing" should be you and your partner, not...you, your partner, 2 sisters, father. I married INTO her family, I didn't marry her family. I don't particularly consider them Gods gift to humanity, and their presence a gift that is automatically enjoyed by everybody, so...please don't allow them to interject themselves into our daily life and give them free reign, have some boundaries! Is what I tell her. I'm still waiting on her to react..
Past instances of inconsideration include:
Years ago (2006) when I lived with her and her father, all the sisters coming over (my wife being at work and I'm doing something in our room), gather and then suddenly the house grows quiet as they all left somewhere without telling me. No biggie, I have nothing to do so I walk the 3 miles to visit my then gf (now wife) at work. I get there, BOOM! There they are! It was snowing, I'm frozen from the walk, apparently they went to dinner and then to visit my wife at work, not telling me any of their plans. It was pretty awkward seeing them there.
It's 1 am and we're living in Texas with my family. It's the night before our graduation from nursing school and we're just starting to get to bed, have a few hours left to sleep. There's suddenly a loud banging on the door, we both startle, it keeps going, I get a weapon and go out towards the door (home invasions where all over the local news) - surprise surprise! It's her father and one of her sisters! They just couldn't wait for the morning (or bother to tell me) they flew all the way down to attend. They had a hotel room close by, and (being Gods gift to humanity), see banging on a door before a big event when there's only a few hours left for the participants to sleep, as no big deal. My wife was excited they arrived, I was left scratching my head and annoyed. That time I told them before they left a few days later - don't do that again. Next time, INCLUDE ME in the planning, if I had a gun in that situation - what else would I be thinking other than home invasion? They looked at me stunned, and like they just didn't get it, like it was harmless and I was wrong to be upset.
Jumping to when we first bought our house here (a month ago) - we closed early before work on a friday. We both had to work later in the day, but had the next day off. Saturday comes, we're both working on the house and getting rooms set up when my wife informs me "oh, we're going to dads for dinner tonight, he's excited and thinks we need a break and is making us food!" I had to explain, THIS is our FIRST DAY to work on the house. We only have 2 days off, I'm not going anywhere. She looked at me stunned before saying "you're right" and calling him back. Apparently he was "hurt" by the news.
A few days after that - we got a little more set up and were having our first "alone time" in our brand new home! There was a radio playing (didn't have cable yet), totally unrelated to what we were doing (as in, it's not mood music or anything like that). So anyway, we hear some noises outside like a car, think it's just the neighbors, and we continue and finish up. I get up and start walking to the shower, I happen to glance out a window when I see her dads car parked in front. I yell "your dads here!" the door bell rings. We scramble, clean up, she gets the door and I pretend to go through boxes. He barges in with the younger sister (20 years old), "Haha, we were thinking you guys were having sex. haha" Apparently he thought it was a good time to show up unannounced (as usual..) and show the house to his other daughter. I'm thinking "thanks for the phone call," "if that was the impression you got, couldn't you of come back again later..?" He got a beer, sat down while my wife showed them the kitchen etc.
A few more days after that - her father comes over, I get him a beer and we sit down. It's a few days before my wifes birthday, I go let the dogs out, am out there for 5 minutes with them when I come back, my wifes dressed to go out and they're headed towards the door. She looks back and says "Bye" and I'm thinking "what just happened?" and manage to say "Bye..?" Apparently while I was out, he decided to take her to the store and get her a present. I guess I was intended to come back inside, discover the empty house, and just magically understand...?
Related to the house - various other times when my wife tried to arrange them to come over and help, bypassing me in the process. I had to tell her, "I know your family is excited and wants to help, and you want them to help too, but...it's my house too! I'm excited to fix up the place as well, and I think I have more right to it than they do." She got the message with that one, for a while, and made the point to ask me (a bit obnoxiously) if they could come over. Me being asked lasted, oh, about a week.
I could go on and on, and it gets much more annoying once I start talking about her mom (the woman has a personality disorder), but thankfully we're not dealing with that. I just wish my wife would say something, let them know boundaries need to be in place. My wife either agrees a particular incident was rude (but doesn't say anything to them), thinks I'm overreacting, or gets upset and takes it as an insult. I'm glad she's here with her family, I'm glad they all get along and enjoy each others company, but...frankly, I'm fed up with it. Ever since we moved in I've been trying to get her to go out and eat somewhere nearby with me for dinner, and I'm met with "no, I don't feel like it..." as we settle on a fast food place and come home.
I know I'm not over reacting because I want to do something with my wife - that doesn't include her father. I've told her before I think the measure of a family is how well they raise their children to be independent and start a family of their own. Meanwhile, to HER family, it's as if the measure is how tightly they can bond together, if you don't automatically fit and enjoy a childish sense of silly humor - you're out. I have told her, God forbid if it doesn't work out between us for whatever reason, but - not many guys are going to stay around and put up with it. I married INTO your family, I didn't marry your family...
So, thoughts? Am I still over reacting (to those who have claimed) or am I justified?
Edit -
For the record, I called her after talking to my father about a problem we are having with the deck that is probably more serious than we thought, and we need it checked out asap (and that he's incredibly sad he can't be here to help...). I wasn't intending to "check up" on her, just let her know while it's on my mind. Although I'll admit I was incredibly bored here after awhile and was a bit curious what they were doing. And we pay $80 each for our phone, we use them alot, text alot, we're far from the couple who hates technology and feels like they can't be bothered to keep in touch.
Last edited by TheEarthBeneathMe; 04-03-2011 at 12:15 PM..
Anyway, I agree that your wife should be more considerate of your feelings, BUT the tone of your initial post was very pouty and the way you phrased it it sounded like you are very controlling (the four and five hour references . . . most people do not actually count hours).
It also sounds like you are very JEALOUS of her relationships with her sisters and her dad and of course, that is a problem, no matter WHY you are jealous (if it is legitimate or if you are simply too controlling).
I do think you two need some counseling because this is her family - they aren't going away and you have a lot of "baggage" as you just typed out . . . whew!!!!!!!!!!
So, thoughts? Am I still over reacting (to those who have claimed) or am I justified?
Wow - that's a lot of baggage. I'm assuming you and your wife have discussed all this? If so - seems she doesn't get it. Also seems FIL does not hold you in very high regard. Looks like your wife puts Pops higher on the pecking order.
Have you ever had a decent relationship with FIL? Or has it been like this from Day One.
Don't take this the wrong way - but I think you need to man up and stand your ground. You can't let this family walk all over you like this. Establish some ground rules/expectations with the FIL and your wife. Y'all need to work this out - esp. if you plan to have kids. Wow - thank goodness y'all don't have kids yet.
At about 9pm they all came over, giggling and goofy like they had a good time (wife made a comment that she had a drink). No one mentioned anything, they obviously didn't see it as an issue, and I just quietly and unnoticed went away to my music room upstairs and continued playing piano. Once they left my wife asked if I was mad (over AIM, since I was still upstairs..), I said "upset that I was forgotten about and the thought to call me didn't enter your mind..."
We talked it out (over AIM, haha), she said she was sorry, that she can't make phone calls in target, but that when they went to drop something off at her fathers he got in the car and said "LETS GO EAT!" So he drove them somewhere, and she said she didn't think the wait at the restaurant would be so long..
Wait .... what? You texted one another? That raises a big red flag right there.
I would advise counseling. Get off the message boards, put down your text device, get on the phone and make an appointment with a real person to deal with this. You two are young ("My wife and I (4 years marriage, I'm 25 she's 24) ") to have reached such watershed life goals and are to be commended. However, you both have maturity/communication goals to reach which would be best dealt with via a professional.
So, there are a variety of problems going on here. One by one:
1. There is a communication problem between you and your wife. I see that on both sides. She doesn't call you and she should, yes, but I'm also seeing a lot of passive-aggressive behavior on your part. You need to behave assertively instead. When she wasn't home for dinner? Call her, immediately, not after stewing and getting grumpy for 4 hours. When she came home? Don't text her. Texting is something for 7th graders whose moms won't let them see each other, or for adults who are separated by distance. If you are in the same house as your wife, go down the freaking stairs and TALK to her, to her face. Do not skirt the issues or save them up until you explode. When something becomes a problem, address it directly, address it thoroughly and do not let up until it is solved. Period.
2. There is a serious problem in your marriage with lack of boundaries. I'm putting that one squarely on your wife's shoulders. Whether or not she can fix this herself without professional help? I'm not sure. Some people marry young (as you two married at 20 and 21), before they really had time to come into themselves as adults. They are far too attached to their family of origin and until a child breaks away from the family of origin, they cannot truly become a partner in a marriage. If your wife cannot recognize this and is unwilling to set up boundaries with her family, you may need to enlist the help of a marriage counselor to get her to realize the damage she is causing. There need to be firm rules in place. No one comes over to the house, ever, without an invitation. Period. The two of you need to check in with each other before any plans are made with other people. That way no one can be turned into the bad guy in front of the others' parents.
Above all, do not have kids with this woman right now. Hopefully this is just a rough patch that you two will get through with some help. If it isn't, adding kids to the mix will not help. Before you think of having kids you need to be a solid unit and the boundaries with her family must have been in place for a year. Otherwise, it is only going to get twice as bad when they barge in all the time with the excuse of seeing your children.
I am going to give you some advice. I have been with my husband 20 yrs and I have in-laws like yours. I feel for ya, I really do. So let me share my experience with you on what to do and want NOT to do.
You have "take over in-laws." These types put spouses that marry into the family at the bottom of the list. This is where your wife needs to step in and set boundaries. This is going to be difficult for her because she has grown up thinking her family is the bomb, she is not going to understand that you do not share the same sentiments. Choose your battles carefully. I say this because your frustration is building. You let a lot of stuff go in the past but you really haven't. Its locked into your box of "list of things they do" and the lid is starting to pop open. If you complain about every single little thing they do, she is going to start feeling resentful and then will feel the need to vent to her family. Then you got a big problem. This when you will become the dick husband. Now what I mean with every little thing they do, is actually not little things. I get it. But in her eyes it will appear that way. "Gee, my dad was only trying to be helpful, why does it matter he didn't call first." This is what I mean by picking your battles. Think about the things that upset you the most, like the no call about dinner thing. This is a battle. Then you move onto the next inconsiderate thing they do.
Right now everyone is squealing in delight because your wife has relocated back to them. The charm will start to fade over the next few months but this is where boundaries need to come into play. They are the take over types. Call first before popping over, call before having dinner and so on. Start off small. Tell her and not via text or IM that you are very pleased she is now close to her family but also express that you are trying to adjust. You could mention that she probably felt the same way when she relocated by your family. You two are a team and she needs to realize that you come first but if you are constantly defensive she is going to start to feel resentful. Play the game right.
It took my husband a while to get the whole boundaries thing. I have issues with my MIL and SIL's. They think their family is the best. Oh the "Smith's" know how to do things right. The "Smith's" are strong..blah blah. When I was pregnant, they expressed all the time that they hoped the baby would look like a "Smith" because apparently I must be a troll. When my son was born, he indeed ended up looking like a Smith. Everyone was thrilled! When my son got older they would call up my husband about wanting to take our son out to the movies and so forth. I was never invited along. My husband didn't get it. He didn't understand why I just didn't go. I tried telling him I was not invited. They just wanted our son. He was clueless on how his family operates. So I decided to play things differently. Instead of acted wounded, I took the, I want to belong approach. When my MIL called to take my son to a kid movie that I was wanting to do, I told my hubby this. Him, still being clueless said well why don't you all go? I said wow what a great idea! Call your mom. So he did and when he mentioned that I was looking forward to seeing the movie as well and that we would call go together, my MIL was dead silent on the other line. She then started coming up with excuses about how her mini van could only hold so many people and so forth. Hubby finally got it. My husband was balancing all the women in his life. Your wife is trying to balance the men in her life. So the wrong way to handle this is putting the spouse in the middle.
Be patient, be supportive but play the game right. Don't become defensive all the time. Choose your battles carefully and boundaries will be set but you have to let your wife feel she is setting them for the good of her marriage not because you are being pissy.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
That raises a big red flag right there. 
My husband was balancing all the women in his life. Your wife is trying to balance the men in her life. So the wrong way to handle this is putting the spouse in the middle.
