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I have been dating a man for 6 months. He seemed really nice at first, but lately he has started worrying me.
He enjoys sex very much and often, but the other morning in bed he was pestering me to do something and I wasn't really in the mood. He pinned me down to make me kiss him and then told me to shut up when I asked him to let me go. I was laughing at first but then I panicked as he was quite forceful and I couldn't get away, but he did let me go and went downstairs to make some drinks. I felt upset.
We had a bath later that afternoon and it was nice and romantic at first, but then he leaned over me to initiate sex again and just leaned there looking at me. He looked quite foreboding and it shook me up a little. I asked him if he would sit down and not to spoil the afternoon as it had been romantic.
I haven't wanted sex with this man since as his forcefulness worries me, but am not sure what to do. He is strong and likes to be in charge most of the time in the bedroom. He isn't violent with me, he just moves me about into position... a bit like a bull in a china shop. Should I talk to him about it?
Dump him. He sounds like a potential rapist. Although I don't know since I am not one. But his aggression can be a bit alarming. I'm older, so I've dated women who have been raped by their man. Most of the men are real aggressive types. Starring, hitting the walls, etc. Things that will make a small women scared. This cannot be good. He might not have done something yet, but it looks like he would potentially advance in his efforts. If he isn't already now. It looks like he doesn't like to hear the word "no". That is never a good sign with these types of scumbags. They are serious control freaks. Like you said, he likes to control the situation. That can be a sure sign. I don't know how well talking to him will go. It mike make him more pissed off. Plus, if this is his personality, he is not going to admit he beats or potentially rapes women. Most likely this will only lead to a delayed attempt. Is there a way to find out his past from his family or friends? He most likely will not tell you he is a rapist or women beater, however, people in his past might.
This type of personality has little to do with the actual act of sex. More to do with control and those are issues you most likely cannot control. You can give him all the sex in the world and it won't be enough, because he wants to see you afraid. He wants to know that he is in control. I can't stand guys like this, but from what I've heard from women there are alot of them out there. And no they don't start raping you after a week of dating. Most of them seem perfectly harmless and nice at first. Then bam, they hit ya. I hate guys that hit or rape women. Hate them with a passion. I never hit a girl in my life, even my older sister. Was taught to respect women. Guys that rape or beat up their women don't seem to change. Ask yourself if this is something you can live with? Once the cycle of violence starts, it gets ugly quick and your self-esteem as well as your dignity can be robbed from you.
Last edited by supermanpansy; 04-08-2011 at 09:22 AM..
Coming from a guy, I think it might be a bit aggressive. Let me first say that majority of guys like to be dominant in bed, and girls like dominance in a man in bed. However, one of the biggest problems guys have is demanding/coercing/forcing their girlfriend to have sex with them. It's ok to be dominant when engaged in sexual activity, but if it's in order to get to sexual activity, I think that's inappropriate. Of course, there are times when a man will just grab his woman, rip off her skirt, etc.
But the fact that you felt worried and uncomfortable, means you should talk to him.
Playing devil's advocate for a second - I've dated girls who play games. They would lead me on, dirty talking, touching, etc, then when naturally it would proceed to sex, they would go cold. As you can, this is manipulation, and quite unfair to the guy.
Usually the conversations that are the most difficult or ackward to have, are the important ones. I am a male, so I can't completely understand your feelings, but if it is bad enough that it makes you that uncomortable, then you probably need to talk about it with him. The longer you go without confronting it, the worse it will probably get.
I don't know what I would do--it would really depend on how I felt about the guy. His making you uneasy and being "forceful" and "forbidding" get my hackles up. Maybe he believes you like being dominated this way and talking to him will help. But if he truly enjoys being so dominant and aggressive, you two are probably not on the same wavelength in the bedroom.
I would never lead him on and then just ignore him, I'm not a game player at all. I told him to stop trying it on, that I wasn't in the mood. He put a pillow round my head to hold it in position. I felt he didn't respect me when he told me to shut up when I asked him to let me go.
I don't know how to bring it up. I did mention it to him, but he ignored it. I know he likes dirty talk and a bit of rough sex and I don't want to come across as boring. But it did upset me.
The thing is my Dad who is dead now, abused me as a child. Although I have forgiven my Dad and have blacked a lot of stuff out, I don't like rough / disrespectful behaviour in bed.... calling each other derogatory names etc. I think my guy likes this.
No part of physical romance should make you uncomfortable (unless you're in to that.) Trust your instincts.
And we have a winner! Bingo.
I couldn't have said it better. We all are given this beautiful thing called intuition (simply put-our gut). This is more reliable than words most times. This can help, but often times we ignore it. Which reseach has shown it is the most helpful in every area of our life.
Part of having a physical relationship with someone is trust. You can't have trust and be scared at the same time.
Good post.
Last edited by supermanpansy; 04-08-2011 at 09:38 AM..
Get away from this guy as fast as you can! BAD NEWS!
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