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["I have *got to* find a way to convince myself that what others think isn't priority."]
#That's the right answer.
Who is the *most* important person in your life?....Me thinks that would be YOU, therefore that's the top priority...YOU, nobody else. Everyone else are just ships passing in the night, you only have to keep your own ship in order, do that and you'll sail through life with less worries and/or concerns.
My philosophy is, 'people can take me as I am, in small doses, or not at all', either way I will still continue on with my life - with or without their company and/or companionship.
Hi everyone. I used to be very social and seemingly upbeat but have become less so the last few years after hitting some significant road bumps. The bumps were there all along but I guess I finally faced them and off came the happy face mask. I don't think I'm clinically depressed, am probably more of a worrier/anxious type, and still come across as fairly outgoing. However, I have obviously shifted toward being less carefree, less cheerful. My general living situation is also up in the air, so not being grounded along with the other stuff has added up to feeling somewhat lost.
I confided in a couple of close friends. While I have revealed some very low times, there have been many more of normalcy where conversation turns to lighter topics and general chat. However, I've noticed these friends have taken to turning the conversation to whether I'm still feeling down, even when I don't go there and am looking to move forward. As I am the one who started that conversation and spoke openly, it should be clear that I will go there if I feel the need. I am also embarrassed that this is now their foremost thoughts about me. They do not seem to do this with everyone, and while at first I thought it is reasonable, I do not want to be a case study for how-to-counsel-the-screwup. One particular friend brings up specific incidents of when I was down and didn't do things right... I am highly aware of those times and would rather put them behind me.
But these are good people who I believe are not looking to be harmful. Although I am starting to wonder about the one who has to remind me that in 1999, and then again in 2005, I had a bad moment... This one also tries to read into my tone in ph conversations, to determine if I'm down or not, e.g. other evening asked if I'm down when I was simply sleepy, read into a pause that I had something heavy on my mind, to which I replied no, I just paused. This makes me self-conscious and feel like I am being examined. It also reminds me not to confide anymore, which is sad because these are the people I consider close friends. I'm starting to withdraw further which I don't want and think is a bad mental health move. but I can't ignore how this has played out either.
I want to say something to them about it, to the effect that I'm better now (whether true or not...) so no need for us to go on about it all anymore. But I don't know how to say this without sounding defensive and adding to the screwup image that brings on the excessive armchair counseling. I've tried putting the happy face mask back on and I now hold back on revealing other negative events in an attempt to offset the screwup image I apparently created, but no one is letting go of those initial details I provided. It's almost like they won't let me undo it. Wish I could take it all back now.
Do they think I am that messed up even though it has not all been despair on my end, or could it be they hang onto it for reasons other than empathy & looking to help? How can I tell them it's not helping and is making me withdraw further, without adding to their judgments that I'm not handling things?
I guess it sucks for you to have people that care about you.
Cry me a river...
The backlash of confiding is that anything you say, can and will be used against you. The exception to this rule is that you are really close with these people and trust them enough to tell those deep-sea things about yourself.
I confide negative, horrible, taboo things to people all the time. But they don't ever bring it up again! That is because I convey a consistently negative yet sarcastic yet strong attitude so they know that this is my baseline personality. They know that even though I'm fairly negative, they don't have to worry about me.
Maybe you are actually appearing more depressed than you realize, causing them to raise concerns.
Maybe you are actually appearing more depressed than you realize, causing them to raise concerns.
Or maybe they were concerned about you long before you confided in them, and are glad that it's out in the open now, and they can discuss their concerns with you.
If you feel that their intentions are basically good, then it should be easy to let them know you are feeling better, and don't really want to discuss the past every time you see them. Real friends will understand!
But if you're wondering if they're really your friends, and not sure their intentions are good, then I'd start spending less time with them...
I would take it as a compliment, that you have friends that care to do a "check in" to make sure that you are doing okay and not falling into "old patterns"
This is all about loving you and the need to ensure that you are moving forward and not backwards and if they detect a tone? It is their radar and past experiences with you during times when you were down trodden and they want to do an intervention before it gets worse..
While it may seem like a case management session or case study regarding a treatment plan they really have the best intentions..
Does anyone know how to develop the mantra below into real feelings? I want to feel this way, so that the anxiety and self-consciousness can stop.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ino
Who is the *most* important person in your life?....Me thinks that would be YOU, therefore that's the top priority...YOU, nobody else. Everyone else are just ships passing in the night, you only have to keep your own ship in order, do that and you'll sail through life with less worries and/or concerns.
My philosophy is, 'people can take me as I am, in small doses, or not at all', either way I will still continue on with my life - with or without their company and/or companionship.
In an effort to achieve more of this^^, I was advised by someone to stop pretending to others that everything is ok. To not necessarily announce my problems but to not hide them either -- that the hiding/pretending things are ok, when they are not, is what was making me more anxious.
So I thought to try that approach and just be who i am, failed circumstances and all, and let people see it. Now I recently shared more with a friend and feel all the worse for it. It probably doesn't make sense and I know people have their own stuff going on, but I am very embarassed and self-conscious to have revealed anything. The more I have revealed about my problems the worse it has made me feel. It is getting to the point where I feel overly anxious about sharing anything. I keep thinking now about how I can 'retract' that info, make it look like I am fine again even though I'm not. Neither just letting people see who i am, nor hiding, works for me and I am in a loop. It feels even worse to have revealed information to friends. Strangers I can deal with a little better as there is usually no follow-up.
The hiding doesn't work, but openly being who I am doesn't either. I am very tired from worrying and i feel stuck. This probably all sounds rather petty but it is causing me to feel very anxious. I keep going in loops about it in my mind and I am having a hard time with it.
[ Everyone else are just ships passing in the night, you only have to keep your own ship in order, do that and you'll sail through life with less worries and/or concerns..
Maybe this is why I feel so self-conscious and anxious about it all - because my own ship isn't in order? But shouldn't I be able to let people, especially friends, know that? Yet when i do I really regret it, get very anxious for having done that, and struggle for ways to retract the info and correct my image.
Maybe this is why I feel so self-conscious and anxious about it all - because my own ship isn't in order? But shouldn't I be able to let people, especially friends, know that? Yet when i do I really regret it, get very anxious for having done that, and struggle for ways to retract the info and correct my image.
If you ever get a security clearance there is a expression, "Need to know basis". This means that information is not given without the other person having a real need for that information regardless if they have the clearance for having it.
Some parts of your life should be classified as that (Need to know) where other parts that can be freely shared. You are feeling self conscious because you are not sure where the dividing line is. Think first and than open your mouth. Stop worrying however if you inadvertently say something that causes you problems for a while. Most people have memory's so short that as long as you do not reinforce the issue by further mention they will forget it. After all they have their own issues to struggle with on a ongoing basis.
You can also get to the point where you can reveal anything if you simply do not care how someone else will take it. Not recommended since it makes you a likely sociopath.
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