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Hello, I am a mother of two teenage boys. I am currently in a 25-year old marriage that has had nothing but extreme serious problems. I won't go into detail because of confidentiality reasons and beings this is a public forum but I feel and believe that this marriage and relationship is very unhealthy, even to the point of being dangerous to my health, well-being and unfair for my boys. They do not deserve this.
There is a HUGE problem and obstacle that I cannot seem to overcome. I have been a stay-at-home mom for almost two decades and left my career to raise my family. Now I don't have a job and am pretty much trapped. I am not finding success in getting a job or getting into school and I don't qualify for any aid because my husband makes too much money.
I need step-by-step practical advise on how to successfully get on my own without too much drama for my boys. I am basically with my husband because of my kids and because I have no place to go. If I move out of state I will not be able to see my boys and I don't want to leave them with my husband.
I have tried churches, counseling, self-help books, you name it...I have done it and the things that have gone on should never been permitted by me but I have always been afraid to leave because I depend totally on my husband.
My confidence level is at an all time low and I have tried to get a job now for almost a year with no luck. I barely have the confidence or motivation to get out of bed and function let alone convince someone to hire me. I am worn out, burnt out and hurting.
I have just about tried everything to save this relationship and it just keeps getting worse. Like I said it has become dangerous for me to stay with my husband...in an emotional sense. I feel beat down and pretty soon I fear I won't be able to get up at all.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I have tried the shelters but without physical abuse I don't qualify and my family/friends cannot help either.
Go to the Yellow Pages and try to find a Divorce Attorney that will offer a "Free Consultation". That's the best advice I can offer since I am not familiar with TX.
1. Change your profile here to "private" - I was able to read your story of moving from state to state there.
2. After 20 years of staying at home, there is no painless way to suddenly be able to make good income. I realized that after only 7 years of staying at home, - it was already too much of a gap. I realized that I had to humbli-fy myself, and approach it as if I was a high school graduate. Get a min wage job? So what? That's what I did for a year. (I was not divorcing, was just getting out into the working world, still was hard). While working, applied to a school, and combined both for half a year, then quit the job, and went school full time.
Maybe working, or working+studying together, will take you away from your home for significant amount of time every day. You will be able to think some better about your next steps, - like separating and getting a student loan.
The first step would be finding a job. That's a tall order for many in this economy, though, and particularly for somebody who's been out of the job market for so long. Perhaps you can try starting some small business... Good luck! Sorry to hear you're in such a desperate situation. And yes, some/quite a few lawyers do offer a free initial consultation. Since you've been married for a long time and haven't worked, you may get alimony - at least for some time.
Have you tried the job help center at the Goodwill store? It's free and might be useful.
Once you have a job and an income, you'll be able to afford an attorney. I would think that would be important. You've worked to care for your family even if you didn't have an outside job and your husband shouldn't get to keep everything that the two of you have, just because he's been making the money.
I would google on National Domestic Violence Hotline. They have trained counselors to help you walk through what your next steps might be. If your husband gives you any extra money to spend, I'd be saving that so you can have a fund to leave. Like the others say, a job is going to be very important. I'd look into a career center in your city. Maybe they have a women's center for women looking to get back into the workforce.
Shelters will often say if there has been no physical violence you don't qualify. However, I know for a fact that women knew just what to say to get admitted to a shelter where I worked, whether factual or not. Hey, a person has to do what a person has to do at times (not that I am suggesting this is up your alley).
Well, these are some of my thoughts. Oh, and if they have an abuse group in your area, join it. You don't have to be out of the relationship. I have attended them and there are all levels - from those still in the relationship confused, to those seeking a way out, to those in a shelter, to those who are out of it and are just trying to get over it. I'd call the Nat'l DV Hotline and they can give you numbers of resources in your area.
Sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately, there is no quick and easy answer.
Firstly, if at any time you feel threatened, call the police and prepare to take your kids and go to a local shelter. No property or asset is worth you & your children's well-being and safety.
Otherwise, like others have said:
1) Find the number of your nearest Domestic Abuse/Violence center. Call their hotline to get any resources that may be relevant & available to you. This doesn't just include finding resources to get a divorce but also in order to get personal counseling for your depression and lack of self-worth. An emotionally abusive relationship is equally as damaging, only (and because) there are no external and obvious signs that it is taking place.
2) Start to make copies of important documents, passports, insurance, banking information, etc.
3) If you don't have a support network at all, look for a support group locally and network with others who may have already gone through this situation.
4) Keep a daily journal to cleanse your soul, write the reasons you want to leave, document every incident.
5) If I were in your position, I would NOT look for employment. You have been a stay-at-home mom for over 20 years, with your husband's understanding and agreement, I assume, that your job was to take care of the home & kids. Getting a job may alter what ultimately in your circumstance and IMO, is due you. Instead I would look to take a class at a community college that could possibly prepare me for employment, whether that's a bookkeeping class or something else.
Good luck.
Last edited by robee70; 05-08-2011 at 11:12 PM..
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