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Well what would you say when couples decide to stay together for their children.
As couples, they dont like being together, stopped liking each others company. When they are together, they wud just argue, so they stop talking other then imp. stuff related to kids.
Is this healthy?
My opinion: if there's actual abuse, infidelity, or something extreme like that, it's time to walk.
However, if the situation is like you've described, I'd say the couple should get help to find out what the problem is & try to resolve it. If they "did" get along and now they "don't," there's a reason for it.
I believe stuff like 'we grew apart,' 'we don't have anything in common anymore,' etc., not only is nonsense, it also gives kids the wrong message- that you're supposed to be 'happy' 100% of the time, that everything is supposed to be 'perfect,' and as soon as something isn't ideal you should ditch it.
Well what would you say when couples decide to stay together for their children.
As couples, they dont like being together, stopped liking each others company. When they are together, they wud just argue, so they stop talking other then imp. stuff related to kids.
Is this healthy?
In general, I think it's a terrible idea to stay together just for the sake of your kids. They'll figure it out sooner or later and there's no telling what impact that knowledge will have on them. They could grow up feeling guilty that they were the reason you stayed together. They could come away thinking kids require too much sacrifice and decide to never have of their own. It may even color their view of marriage in general. Divorce is painful, but the sooner you end a bad marriage, the sooner the kids and heal. They may even learn something valuable about relationships, which is that even if you have kids, you can't sacrifice your own happiness just for them.
I know of one couple who stayed together for their kids, but in an indirect way. They own a house that they can't sell. It's dropped so much in value that they now owe more than what's it worth. If they sell, they'll have to come up with a lot of money which they don't have. And their kids are going to be heading to college soon. Not exactly the best time to suddenly incur major financial debt. So they made a decision to wait because they don't want to risk not being able to send their kids to college. I have no idea how long they plan to drag this out though. Surely they can't stay married for 4 more years.
Well what would you say when couples decide to stay together for their children.
As couples, they dont like being together, stopped liking each others company. When they are together, they wud just argue, so they stop talking other then imp. stuff related to kids.
Is this healthy?
Quote:
Originally Posted by vparent
what if one of the child has autism. And I feel like if for some reason I dont get his custody after seperating, noone would ever take good care of him.
I can do anything for my children
Generally, I think that if all options & possibilities have been exercised or if the relationship is abusive in any way, better to leave than to stay together for the kids.
A child with special needs may not notice or sense a problem marriage, but they will indirectly pay a higher price than other kids for their parent's stress, depression and/or financial strain, whether the parents stay married or separate.
In your case, without knowing more about your marriage or your spouse, I would recommend making the extra effort (again if applicable and no abuse is involved) along with your spouse to seek outside help from a support network or your child's school and therapists. Seek out respite away from your child, both as a couple and individually to clear out your head. Get parent training, if your child's behaviors or needs have impacted your marriage and home life in a negative way. Having a special child adds pressures to a marriage above and beyond the norm.
Whatever the resolution is for you, I wish you the best of luck.
The list:
1. when I am talkingto him, he does not reply back...in the sense it seems like I am talking to myself...he is in his own thoughts and I have asked him 100 times to say something, even a head nod is fine.
2. He was never had open communication with me....forgets to tell me sometimes that one of his friends are coming for dinner at our home, until the same afternoon when he is returning from work, he wud call me and inform me as if he has already told me.
3. He always likes to watch movies alone or with his friends or brothers/sisters.
4. He dislikes telling me what happens at his work...if I ask him..how was yr day today at work...he wud most of the time, ignore me
5. he never initiates any dates with me anymore
He makes fun of our realtion in front of his friends, alwaya love to show as if he was never ever happy with me...well if thats what it is, then why doesnt he have guts to change his situation.
I dont know if I am asking something unreasonable here...I thought marriage means having open communication not just living together for heck of it.
Perhaps in the US with our attitudes about such things it's not a good thing. But how about other societies where raising a family is the primary concern of parents? You have to consider that for some people the family unity and children upbringing, their care, etc., takes precedence over one's ego and needs.
In the US we worry more about our own happiness than anything else. The family union is a thing of the past, and aborting or abandoning children is more convenient than sacrificing oneself for their well being.
See...good parents are thinking of their children well being instead of their own. Yes, they understand that they have to take care of themselves in order to be able to support their children in all manners possible. But by "taking care of themselves" does not mean their "feelings," but their health, job improvement to earn more, and so forth, not just to fell good.
The list:
1. when I am talkingto him, he does not reply back...in the sense it seems like I am talking to myself...he is in his own thoughts and I have asked him 100 times to say something, even a head nod is fine.
2. He was never had open communication with me....forgets to tell me sometimes that one of his friends are coming for dinner at our home, until the same afternoon when he is returning from work, he wud call me and inform me as if he has already told me.
3. He always likes to watch movies alone or with his friends or brothers/sisters.
4. He dislikes telling me what happens at his work...if I ask him..how was yr day today at work...he wud most of the time, ignore me
5. he never initiates any dates with me anymore
He makes fun of our realtion in front of his friends, alwaya love to show as if he was never ever happy with me...well if thats what it is, then why doesnt he have guts to change his situation.
I dont know if I am asking something unreasonable here...I thought marriage means having open communication not just living together for heck of it.
Vparent, my posts come from the perspective of a mom to two special needs children.
Are you a SAHM by any chance?
If so, do you have any interests outside the home and children?
How has the family dynamic changed since your child was diagnosed with autism?
How have you changed?
Do you depend on him as your link to the outside world?
Do you have any help or support from friends and family?
Do you and your husband ever go out alone?
Can you get a babysitter?
Have you ever initiated/arranged a "date night" with your husband?
Have you thought about how your life and your ability to raise your child(ren) will change, for the better or worse, if you got a divorce?
I'm not trying to minimize how you feel due to your husband's lack of communicativeness or say that you alone are the solution, but I'm not sure that what you've outlined above is grounds for divorce, so much as it is grounds for a change and an intervention. I'm also not saying that the onus is on you alone, but our actions beget reactions, so maybe you have changed along the way in your husband's eyes as well.
Again, without knowing more than what you've stated, I would highly recommend working on your own personal and emotional well-being. I urge you to get out of the house and have some "me" time, before focusing on the "we" time.
Your husband isn't communicative and I can understand your frustration, but assuming that your world revolves around the care of your children and has become more stressful because of a special needs child, it's likely that you expect your husband to be your life-line. I also think talking and "open-communication" is sometimes over-emphasized or misinterpreted. Not everyone is wired to talk, talk, talk and I think on average that's more true for men than women. Although, I don't consider self-help books to be bibles, there is one that I think has an interesting perspective and some valuable food for thought.
Each couple and each family has their own set of strengths and weaknesses, not all failing marriages are cut from the same cloth. In some cases it is better for the children, so long as the couple can remain civilized and respectful it can be better to have both parents around to raise the children. Sometimes it is better to sacrifice a small percentage of your own personal happiness for the sake of your kids. Each couple has to determine how much they are willing to give up, and when it's time to throw in the towel.
Some people get too wrapped up in wanting to have the perfect home for the kids, and think that they must shelter their children from all arguments and disagreements. These are the nutcases who won't let their kids watch cartoons or probably home school them because they don't want them around other people's broken children. The world is a tough place and you can't shelter and coddle your child forever. I see some couples that want to teach their children that the world is a fair place made up of marshmallows and rainbows and the good guys always win. You're setting your kids up for failure just as much by raising them like Mr. Rogers in the Neighborhood of Make Believe. Too many parents want to give up too soon because their lives aren't perfect.
If the relationship has deteriorated to the point where they are not civil, and you're at one another's throat's all the time, it's better to get divorced. It'll be tough in the beginning, but it's better to pull the plug than to live in a household full of tension and hostility.
Sorry to keep bothering everyone here on the forum but its concerning me a little, so here I go again with my worries list:
1. It has been almost a week since we are not talking to each other, other then just imp. kids matters. And the most alarming thing about it is, that I kind of enjoyed first few days of not talking with my hubby. In the past, we had arguments, fights and we have always made it up within couple of days...in the process, we always missed not talking with each other.
But this is the first time, I felt nothing, infact I liked those moments when he is around but I was on my own doing my stuff.
I think i should also tell as to what he hates the most in me:
1. I do get stressed and tired after taking care of my autistic child and at the end of the day, when my hubby comes home from work, I do remove my frustration on him sometimes. I think 99% our arguments are related to our child. What should he eat or which therapy etc...I think as a result, my hubby feels like he is not allowed to do anything for the child by himself. But the truth here is I am always with my child, so I would know better and understand him better then anyone else. And my hubby would sometimes just for the sake of proving that he knows better then me, just disagree with me in everything then.
We end up in a vicious circle of arguments but the truth is we both want best for our child and are stressed at the same time.
I have read about high divorce rates about couples with special need child. thats really scares me as to am i going to be one too. God knows other couples keep their sanity while raising sp. need children
Vparent, my posts come from the perspective of a mom to two special needs children.
Are you a SAHM by any chance?
If so, do you have any interests outside the home and children?
How has the family dynamic changed since your child was diagnosed with autism?
How have you changed?
Do you depend on him as your link to the outside world?
Do you have any help or support from friends and family?
Do you and your husband ever go out alone?
Can you get a babysitter?
Have you ever initiated/arranged a "date night" with your husband?
Have you thought about how your life and your ability to raise your child(ren) will change, for the better or worse, if you got a divorce?
I'm not trying to minimize how you feel due to your husband's lack of communicativeness or say that you alone are the solution, but I'm not sure that what you've outlined above is grounds for divorce, so much as it is grounds for a change and an intervention. I'm also not saying that the onus is on you alone, but our actions beget reactions, so maybe you have changed along the way in your husband's eyes as well.
Again, without knowing more than what you've stated, I would highly recommend working on your own personal and emotional well-being. I urge you to get out of the house and have some "me" time, before focusing on the "we" time.
]
Thanks for yr help, robee70...these questions makes me think as to what shud i do to make the situation beter.
I have ansered them:
Are you a SAHM by any chance? YES
If so, do you have any interests outside the home and children?
How has the family dynamic changed since your child was diagnosed with autism? CHANGED ALOT, ALL THE TIME TIRED AND STRESSED
How have you changed? YES, MUCH MORE PRONE TO ANGER OUTBURSTS
Do you depend on him as your link to the outside world? NOPE
Do you have any help or support from friends and family? SOMETIMES
Do you and your husband ever go out alone? WELL TRIED FEW TIMES, A YEAR AGO, BUT THEN OUR CHILD WAS CRYING ALOT, SO CAME BACK VERY SOON, tHEN DECIDED NOT TO GO EVER WITHOUT HIM
Can you get a babysitter? YES BUT HAVE DECIDED NEVER TO GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT HIM
Have you ever initiated/arranged a "date night" with your husband? YES AND DONT WANT TO TRY AGAIN...HE JUST COMPLAINS ABOUT IT, SO MIGHT AS WELL NOT TRY AGAIN
(ITS A LONG STORY..IN SHORT, HE DOES NOT ENJOY DATES ANYMORE)
Have you thought about how your life and your ability to raise your child(ren) will change, for the better or worse, if you got a divorce?
MY LIFE IS ALWAYS BEEN DEDICATED TO MY CHILDREN, SO THATS WHY I THINK DIVORCE WUD NEVER BE AN OPTION FOR ME AS IT WUD MEAN TO DAD FOR MY CHILDREN.
Seems like I need to do some Yoga and meditation to de-stress myself. I had started it for sometime but then again stopped, by putting my children needs prior to mine.
Need to put yoga time in my routine...thats what I have decided as my 1st baby step in getting hold of my miserable situation.
Thanks once again everyone for yr help
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I will list the problems in my marriage
Is this normal in any relationship???
Me time might solve most of the issues
