Still married just for kids...is it healthy (dating, love, single)

[robee70]

Vparent, please don't take this the wrong way but from reading all your posts in this thread, I feel you are conflicted, stressed out and and partly to blame.

I know how hard it is to stay at home caring for a special needs child. I think it's admirable how much you are willing to sacrifice of yourself for your child, but IMO you're sacrificing your marriage and your own self and well-being. In spite of all your efforts, you may be indirectly hurting them because a child can't get what they need from a parent who is ultimately burnt-out.

If I had to guess, I'm thinking your husband no longer sees you as the woman he married, his wife and companion, but just as a co-parent to a child and one that doesn't even have the right to an opinion on what's best for them. You are agitated and stressed when he comes home and when you speak to him, you do so in anger and out of frustration. YOU'VE decided you won't go out ever again without your child, yet you complain that your husband won't initiate a date night? No man wants to have "date night" with their child in tow.

On the one hand, you said that if you divorced your husband wouldn't be qualified to properly care for the child at all and in another post you said you believe he has the child's best interest at heart.

The majority of your arguments are over your child's care, yet you don't value his opinion on the matter, so I'm guessing he is frustrated and knows this too, hence his trying to assert himself by disagreeing with you.

While I reiterate my previous advice that you should seek respite for your child, maybe counseling and look for ways to de-stress your life, I will add the below piece of advice.

Don't bombard your husband at the end of every day with discussions that are destined to fail. Make it a point to sit with him and talk to him about things unrelated to your child too. Watch a funny movie together, cuddle. Go out on date night alone with him. Find someone you can trust and just go and make it only about his and your enjoyment, not another time to discuss & argue about your child's needs. Don't let him see his friends as the one place where he can have fun, relax and have adult conversation.

I can probably go on, but I think you get the point.

Originally Posted by vparent

Sorry to keep bothering everyone here on the forum but its concerning me a little, so here I go again with my worries list:

1. It has been almost a week since we are not talking to each other, other then just imp. kids matters. And the most alarming thing about it is, that I kind of enjoyed first few days of not talking with my hubby. In the past, we had arguments, fights and we have always made it up within couple of days...in the process, we always missed not talking with each other.
But this is the first time, I felt nothing, infact I liked those moments when he is around but I was on my own doing my stuff.

I think i should also tell as to what he hates the most in me:

1. I do get stressed and tired after taking care of my autistic child and at the end of the day, when my hubby comes home from work, I do remove my frustration on him sometimes. I think 99% our arguments are related to our child. What should he eat or which therapy etc...I think as a result, my hubby feels like he is not allowed to do anything for the child by himself. But the truth here is I am always with my child, so I would know better and understand him better then anyone else. And my hubby would sometimes just for the sake of proving that he knows better then me, just disagree with me in everything then.
We end up in a vicious circle of arguments but the truth is we both want best for our child and are stressed at the same time.

I have read about high divorce rates about couples with special need child. thats really scares me as to am i going to be one too. God knows other couples keep their sanity while raising sp. need children

Originally Posted by vparent

Thanks for yr help, robee70...these questions makes me think as to what shud i do to make the situation beter.
I have ansered them:
Are you a SAHM by any chance? YES

If so, do you have any interests outside the home and children?

How has the family dynamic changed since your child was diagnosed with autism? CHANGED ALOT, ALL THE TIME TIRED AND STRESSED

How have you changed? YES, MUCH MORE PRONE TO ANGER OUTBURSTS

Do you depend on him as your link to the outside world? NOPE

Do you have any help or support from friends and family? SOMETIMES

Do you and your husband ever go out alone? WELL TRIED FEW TIMES, A YEAR AGO, BUT THEN OUR CHILD WAS CRYING ALOT, SO CAME BACK VERY SOON, tHEN DECIDED NOT TO GO EVER WITHOUT HIM

Can you get a babysitter? YES BUT HAVE DECIDED NEVER TO GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT HIM

Have you ever initiated/arranged a "date night" with your husband? YES AND DONT WANT TO TRY AGAIN...HE JUST COMPLAINS ABOUT IT, SO MIGHT AS WELL NOT TRY AGAIN
(ITS A LONG STORY..IN SHORT, HE DOES NOT ENJOY DATES ANYMORE)

Have you thought about how your life and your ability to raise your child(ren) will change, for the better or worse, if you got a divorce?
MY LIFE IS ALWAYS BEEN DEDICATED TO MY CHILDREN, SO THATS WHY I THINK DIVORCE WUD NEVER BE AN OPTION FOR ME AS IT WUD MEAN TO DAD FOR MY CHILDREN.

Seems like I need to do some Yoga and meditation to de-stress myself. I had started it for sometime but then again stopped, by putting my children needs prior to mine.
Need to put yoga time in my routine...thats what I have decided as my 1st baby step in getting hold of my miserable situation.

Thanks once again everyone for yr help

[himain]

No its not. I wish my parents had split because they are not happy together. However, they are married 47 years Monday. I mean wtf are you going to do after all that time???

[Alley01]

I would imagine that this happens less and less these days. Like others have said, this is not healthy at all and if people believe that their children are that clueless as to what kind of relationship their parents have and can't see through the act, then they are mistaken.

I can't imagine staying together for the benefit of children while putting your own well-being on the back burner. That is never healthy no matter what the situation.

[jasper12]

There is no easy answer to this question...it depends, on so many factors..I left a marriage like that, and don't regret it at all. But...I am completely broke, have no retirement savings, no house...and probably would be all set now if I had stayed married...

[SCGranny]

Wow, vparent, robee70 makes some good points.

I know its hard to find someone to care for your child, especially because he is autistic. Using a babysitter is probably a real problem. Do you have a support group near you, that you are either attending or can attend? Maybe they could give you reccomendations as to a good respite worker, who would come in with you for a few days and see how you do things with your child, and for the child to get used to THEM, before you make plans to go out. (You might consider that, while there are some SPED teachers who are free in the summer, there are also SPED aides who may need some summer employment as well. ) Someone who is experienced with autistic children already, who might be able to give you not only a few hours off in the day, but some evening alone-time with your husband as well. While you don't say much about the dynamics of the relationships between the children, a trained teacher or aide might help with those, too.

We took in a foster child who was a SPED child (although not autistic). His teacher and school psychiatrist were a great help to us in not only care but in recommendations for outside care as well. Ask. It can't hurt.

Also, it does seem like you as the primary caretaker are burning yourself out rapidly, trying to do everything and be everything. No spouse wants to be married to someone who always takes charge and discounts their opinions and feelings, so that they feel just like someone who provides the money and nothing else. You need to get back in touch with DH, tell HIM how you feel when it is just you two alone. When you are alone, don't talk about the kids AT ALL, especially on a date! He needs to be as much a part of your AND the children's lives as possible. If "Your life has always been dedicated to your children" no wonder you are stressed out! Children grow up and leave, and that will leave you and your husband alone with an autistic child - how will that work out in 20 years? There are two very important people in this relationship - you and your DH. Why are you two together in the first place? Was it your/his senses of humor, your love of books, your mutual appreciation for Mel Brooks or Katherine Hepburn movies; what? (No, you don't have to tell me - you just have to remember.)

He sounds really bitter and angry and deeply hurt from your descriptions; hurt enough to try to embarrass you in front of his friends. If you love him and care for him like you did when you were first married, you will both want to work on that. And to get him to join you, you will have to understand all of that about him, and agree with him to work on easing the pain you are both feeling.

Life doesn't ever work out the way we want when we are kids; I'm sure you didn't kneel by your bedside when you were pregnant and pray to be blessed with an autistic child. The only mature and lasting way to deal with it is to sit down and talk, make plans, and respect each other's feelings and opinions once again, and truly value each other. It sounds like you will have to take the first step; he sounds like he is coming from a place of neglect and pain, but you have the courage to recognize it first, and to want to do something about it. If he still loves you and wants to be a part of your life again, instead of on the outside looking in, you have a great opportunity here to remake your relationship. It won't be easy. It will take time... a lot of time. But if you adopt a future-plan, problem-solving, together-we-can-do-this attitude, the changes in you will influence the changes in him.

Just my $0.02.

[Irishiis49]

You need to get help with child-care!! At first if you hired a trained sitter and stayed home and observed the situation. Then take baby steps ...go out for a half hour...then an hour....etc.! You are burnt out and can't make any clear thinking choices under the stress!!

[JerZ]

Originally Posted by Irishiis49

You need to get help with child-care!! At first if you hired a trained sitter and stayed home and observed the situation. Then take baby steps ...go out for a half hour...then an hour....etc.! You are burnt out and can't make any clear thinking choices under the stress!!

Your child is DXd autistic? Shouldn't you receive respite care through the state, and reduced childcare expenses?

Do you receive any special services now? Can you ask your service coordinator about this?

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by vparent

Well what would you say when couples decide to stay together for their children.
As couples, they dont like being together, stopped liking each others company. When they are together, they wud just argue, so they stop talking other then imp. stuff related to kids.

Is this healthy?

If the couple chooses to get along for the sake of keeping the family together, it's healthy. Unfortunately, many just choose to continue fighting.

[JerZ]

The basics of what respite care is. I know that in the state of California, my son, who was DXd with autism (classic/Kanner autism) at the age of four, is eligible for certain services for life. He is a lifetime "client" of the Regional Center. (In any other state it would be called Early Intervention but in CA that's what the Regional Center is -- just a different name. ) That doesn't mean my family takes advantage of every single service, obviously. And it's a whole long complex thing to apply, be interviewed, etc.

But if your son has a firm diagnosis and it's autism specifically (not, say, PDD-NOS) I *think* no matter what state you're in you should be eligible to apply for certain services either free of charge or at reduced rates, and from caregivers who know about autistic people (v. a babysitter who may not really have a clue).

[mermaid825]

Personally I see no problem with staying together for the kids as long as you aren't fighting or abusing each other. Life isn't perfect whichever way you cut it! I think this arrangement is a lot more common than people like to admit. If the kids are used to a SAHP in the house, and/ or if a child is special needs, it's even more ok to stick together for the kids.

If you really hate each other and are fighting, or if there is drugs/ drink, then that's different.