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I'm from San Diego, CA and my guy is from NYC. I moved here a few years ago with the intention that it would be temporary. In fact, when I met him, I was saving up to leave later that summer. One thing lead to another and we've been together going on 4 years, this fall, and this is definitely the "one".
He has a full scholarship to NYU and will be finishing 2013, but wants to go on to grad school. I was lucky enough to be accepted into a nursing program here, but I completed it and then decided to finish my Bachelors degree online in a different subject, so my schooling is flexible, but his is not. We are stationary.
Here's the thing...all of his connects are over here and we have a 2-bedroom apt. that we rent for $800/month from his parents. Is it fancy? Not at all and it's small. We also deal with privacy being an issue sometimes, but all in all, it's nice having family close because we do help each other out a lot. When we have kids, his parents have even offered to watch the babies so we can continue working. Apparently, this is common in Latin families and not seen as anything outside the norm. Basically, we have it made....one minor fact, we're both sick of NYC. I personally hate the weather and the mentality, but I'm trying to make the most of it. He's just sick of it as well, but of course doesn't want to leave his family.
I'm homesick for my family and the more relaxed lifestyle of SoCal, but I also love his family dearly. What tears me apart is the fact that it isn't even a situation where we could live in between our parents... (ie. NYC-Boston..live in a city somewhere in between). I'd even be happy if I lived within 500 miles of my parents, because it's SO much cheaper to drive. Do the math..even at $4/gallon I could do a roundtrip for less than $150. I could fit 4-5 people in the car and that means it costs anywhere from $20ish at best to $40ish at worst PER person, per roundtrip to the other family. Plane tickets are about a minimum of $280 each..then you have to rent a car..hotel is covered as we would stay at our parents.
I feel like it's a lose-lose situation. I'm a little heartbroken and know that I can't be the first person to be in a situation like this. Any coping techniques or tips? Sorry for the essay, but thanks for reading.
My husband and I are actually happy not living that close to our families! Well, I'm really close with my mom and miss her a lot - but we talk all the time and try to see each other a few times a year. My mom says she always knew I'd end up living somewhere far away - so she's okay with it. I'm from SoCal - went to school in Michigan, and have been living in New York for the past 12 years or so. My hubby's family lives in Orlando. All of our friends are here and we don't plan on ever leaving the New York area.
I will say this - NYC grew on me. It was a hard adjustment for me at first. I'd say after about 5 years, I realized I was in love with NYC and was more of a New Yorker than a Californian. We just moved to a house outside the city a year ago and absolutely love it here.
My husband and I are actually happy not living that close to our families! Well, I'm really close with my mom and miss her a lot - but we talk all the time and try to see each other a few times a year. My mom says she always knew I'd end up living somewhere far away - so she's okay with it. I'm from SoCal - went to school in Michigan, and have been living in New York for the past 12 years or so. My hubby's family lives in Orlando. All of our friends are here and we don't plan on ever leaving the New York area.
I will say this - NYC grew on me. It was a hard adjustment for me at first. I'd say after about 5 years, I realized I was in love with NYC and was more of a New Yorker than a Californian. We just moved to a house outside the city a year ago and absolutely love it here.
Thanks so much for reading my post Dewdrop. I just passed the 4 year mark of being here. I've been here since April 2007 and yes, it's definitely grown on me. I don't think I have as much fun as I could, because I'm with someone who has seen-it-all here and doesn't really want to do the tourist thing. I don't really have any friends here...mostly we are friends with 2 other couples and that's about it. I love his family dearly and can see why he wouldn't want to leave them either.
How do you guys manage to see your family? I hope things get easier for me after the 5 year mark. I don't feel in love with this place at all, but I have to admit it would be a place that I would definitely like to come back to visit often.
Although my SO is a NYer, and from a historically very family-oriented culture, as well (Italian, here), he has no desire to live in NYC, where his dad is, and actually in his twenties moved to the Southwest - and then the Midwest, where we live - in large part to break away from suffocating family dynamics.
Now, after several years of midwest living, he's pretty sold on NEVER returning to the high-cost East Coast, and we really just visit. A week is usually more than enough of a dose of his family, they can be high maintenance.
We are not in my parents' backyard, either, though. While I am a native Midwesterner, we live in a city that is 8 hours away from my family, so in a sense, we are both stranded from family, and see our families once a year or so...the life we have built on neutral territory is our own, and we avoid a lot of the issues couples can have where preference is given to one side, etc. by being really kind of equally on our own. I am much emotionally closer to my family than he is to his (and, truth be told, HE'S more emotionally close to my family than he is to his, in many ways), but I think that we're both happiest being in "our own" place, and not where either of us grew up.
Is there any chance that you, too, could make plans to settle in an area that's more neutral?
Although my SO is a NYer, and from a historically very family-oriented culture, as well (Italian, here), he has no desire to live in NYC, where his dad is, and actually in his twenties moved to the Southwest - and then the Midwest, where we live - in large part to break away from suffocating family dynamics.
Now, after several years of midwest living, he's pretty sold on NEVER returning to the high-cost East Coast, and we really just visit. A week is usually more than enough of a dose of his family, they can be high maintenance.
We are not in my parents' backyard, either, though. While I am a native Midwesterner, we live in a city that is 8 hours away from my family, so in a sense, we are both stranded from family, and see our families once a year or so...the life we have built on neutral territory is our own, and we avoid a lot of the issues couples can have where preference is given to one side, etc. by being really kind of equally on our own. I am much emotionally closer to my family than he is to his (and, truth be told, HE'S more emotionally close to my family than he is to his, in many ways), but I think that we're both happiest being in "our own" place, and not where either of us grew up.
Is there any chance that you, too, could make plans to settle in an area that's more neutral?
I would even be ok with living an 8-12 hour drive away from our parents. I'm just like...hmmm..where's the midpoint between NYC and San Diego? ..and for my situation, it would be somewhere like Kansas I think lol.
I feel really selfish. We technically have it made out here. Our rent is half of what it should be, even though we do help family out, and his parents are offering free daycare...I'm not using them, because trust, when family drama goes down, I'm there for them and we all help each other out, but it is attractive knowing you have such a great support system...if only I could convince them to move to SD with us...but I just never think that will happen. His Mom is a Dentist and has a huge patient base over here and licensing would be an issue..lots of laws/rules.
How do you guys like the Midwest? I went to St. Louis and loved it..but dang the summers are BRUTAL. I have family all over...some in Texas, etc.
I guess I'm in a lose-lose situation and will have to suck it up eventually.
I think you are both right to finish your educations. You are both right, that warm family relationships are important. You are still in a big pickle when you choose to love someone whose ties are in NY.
You are putting the cart before the horse when you say that his parents want to babysit your possible future children. Of course they do, but you do not want to live in NY.
You both need to find your best job options in the same place. This could be anywhere, and this should be your focus.
You are young, I assume, so my advise is you can either draw the line now at his parents controling you, or you can regret it later.
you can either draw the line now at his parents controling you
His parents controlling them...?! By letting them pay for rent 50% below market rate and promising to take care of their children?! OP didn't mention any pressure from them about where they should live. I bet at least half of the New Yorkers would love to be controlled!
Well, for the time being, at least, I think it makes the most sense for you guys to stay put. In the long run (like after he finishes his schooling), perhaps you two look at your dream cities and think about where you want to end up. Is he open to the idea of relocating, or will he always want to live close to his family? Is there a city near New York that might hold some of the things you're looking for, but without the drawbacks? It seems moving to SoCal might just transfer the problem, rather than solve it. Also, neither city is particularly affordable for a young couple. Is there a city somewhere less expensive that interests both of you?
Another idea that can help, is for the time being, the person living away from their family gets extra allowances with regards to holidays and vacations. Going to visit more often may help. They should get first choice of Christmas versus Thanksgiving. Taking extended visits for birthdays and other events can help it feel like there isn't so much distance.
Our families are 1,200 miles apart, she spent nearly 5 years living in my state with my family before we decided we were financially ready to move away. We ended up buying a house in her state, so now our roles are reverse.
I think you have to look at what's best for both of you for that particular time - for us, my state offered much more opportunities education wise, so we got our degrees there. We're at the point where it would be time to start a family, and as the guy of the relationship - I recognize the bond between my wife and her sisters/family is irreplaceable, so I had no other choice than to have it happen here near them, I felt.
It breaks my heart that my family won't experience it as directly as her parents, and when my dad (a man not known for crying..) brings up us "raising a family up there.." the quiver in his voice and the pause he takes is hard to listen dry eyed through.
But if one of us has to experience that heart break, I'm glad it's me. We both have jobs that allowed us to pick up and move easily, so that wasn't an issue for us.
Talk to them regularly, visit when you can, do things that include them in your lives is my advice...
..and you're definitely not alone in this.
You sound very similar to my husband and I. I grew up in So Cal, and moved out to DC for college, where I met him. His family's in Baltimore. As graduation approached, I told him I was preparing to move back to California unless he could assure me we were headed towards marriage. He proposed our senior year, so I took the job offer I had in DC instead of LA. Now I've lived here for going on 8 years.
I'm not going to lie, it does suck not seeing my family often. I only get home once or twice a year, due to plane tickets and vacation schedules, and the winters and high intensity culture of DC are wearing me down. I would LOVE to go back to So Cal...but it's not going to happen. Once I accepted that, it got easier. Due to DH's job (he works on federal contracts), the majority of work in here, and due to my job (teaching), there is zero work for me in So Cal.
It gets easier. I'm starting to settle in and get comfortable in the area. As long as I thought it was a possibility that we might move back to the west coast, I wouldn't let myself get comfortable here. Now that I know we're here for the long term though, I've started to find a groove here that I'm comfortable in. I call my family almost daily, get out there when I can, and am grateful to have his family (my "east coast family") close by when we need them.
I'm sure a whole new floodgate of "I WANT TO MOVE BACK TO CALIFORNIA" will open when we have kids, but for now I'm content here.
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By letting them pay for rent 50% below market rate and promising to take care of their children?! OP didn't mention any pressure from them about where they should live. I bet at least half of the New Yorkers would love to be controlled!
