Dating someone going through a divorce (how to, marriage, woman, love)
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Here is my story in short. First I'm almost 30 and I'd say I probably have only been in love with one other girl besides this girl. I've always protected myself and didn't allow myself to get attached AT ALL.
I hung out with this girl about 5 years ago. At the time we were both in college, different schools, and only concentrated in our studies. So things didn't work out. We actually completely quit talking and didn't keep incontact until this past December. I wrote her just to see how she was doing and to say hi.
During the time between the two of us hanging out she met another guy and married him. He turned out to be a complete jerk. I don't know all that he did but I know he called her names and cheated on her at least once. I also know she left him 3-4 times in the 2.5 years they were married.
We started talking this past December and didn't hang out at all until probably the end of January. We then started kinda dating in Feb and were spending time with each other every weekend and talking daily. She had completely moved out of her husbands house before we started spending any time together and she filed for divorce close to right after we started only hanging out with each other.
We have since went from taking a break to breaking up. We haven't spoken to each other for a few weeks now again. We were very close and completely honest with each other while we were together. For me it is really hard to open up and feel comfortable with anyone and I did with her. I am still in love with her and still think of her daily. I have tried to reach out to her multiple times and she never responds. I at least like to still think she still loves me but she is trying to deal with her divorce and get her life back on track.
I have tried to give her space but I have failed many times. I'm not use to caring about anyone this much. I do want to talk to her and clear the air between us but I don't want to push her or make her hate me.
My question is, is there anyone on here that has been through the same situation or been through a divorce? I haven't and to be honest I have no clue how to handle this. I've been told by friends to completely forget about her and I have tried that but I can't.
If you want to be with this gal, the best thing you can do is step off and get back in touch in a year. If you don't, and she becomes receptive to you, you'll probably end up a rebound anyway.
Going through a divorce is a life altering event. She needs space and time to figure out what went wrong and where she wants her life to go from here. She needs time to grieve for the relationship she wanted with her ex and the fact that it didn't work out the way she planned. She needs supportive friends. She does not need to jump back into another relationship.
To really love someone is to want what is best for them. If you really love this girl then you will give her space and time to heal. If she loves you then she will miss you in time and contact you when she is ready to put the past behind her and move on.
Unfortunately, right now she isn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. There's nothing in the world you can do about that. Nothing will speed up the process, and having you around is likely to make it worse, not better. She likely hung out and started dating you when she did because she was very lonely, craved attention from a man, and probably genuinely liked you some too. But I have to question why if you two had so little chemistry before (5 years ago), why you seemed to have more now. I have to wonder if part of it was that she was so desperate to fill that immediate void that she latched on. There's no way to know. She may genuinely like you. Just be cautious with your heart and don't get attached.
She needs at least a year. I would send her an email, letting her know you understand, that you think she's wonderful and that you wish her all the best. Tell her that if in a year or so, she wants to look you up, if you're still single (do NOT promise to wait for her--unhealthy for both of you), you'd love to talk to her again and see where her life is. This is the danger of getting involved with someone going through a divorce. She really needs that time alone to get her head back on straight, to heal and to get ready to form a healthy relationship with someone new.
Here is my story in short. First I'm almost 30 and I'd say I probably have only been in love with one other girl besides this girl. I've always protected myself and didn't allow myself to get attached AT ALL.
I hung out with this girl about 5 years ago. At the time we were both in college, different schools, and only concentrated in our studies. So things didn't work out. We actually completely quit talking and didn't keep incontact until this past December. I wrote her just to see how she was doing and to say hi.
During the time between the two of us hanging out she met another guy and married him. He turned out to be a complete jerk. I don't know all that he did but I know he called her names and cheated on her at least once. I also know she left him 3-4 times in the 2.5 years they were married.
We started talking this past December and didn't hang out at all until probably the end of January. We then started kinda dating in Feb and were spending time with each other every weekend and talking daily. She had completely moved out of her husbands house before we started spending any time together and she filed for divorce close to right after we started only hanging out with each other.
We have since went from taking a break to breaking up. We haven't spoken to each other for a few weeks now again. We were very close and completely honest with each other while we were together. For me it is really hard to open up and feel comfortable with anyone and I did with her. I am still in love with her and still think of her daily. I have tried to reach out to her multiple times and she never responds. I at least like to still think she still loves me but she is trying to deal with her divorce and get her life back on track.
I have tried to give her space but I have failed many times. I'm not use to caring about anyone this much. I do want to talk to her and clear the air between us but I don't want to push her or make her hate me.
My question is, is there anyone on here that has been through the same situation or been through a divorce? I haven't and to be honest I have no clue how to handle this. I've been told by friends to completely forget about her and I have tried that but I can't.
Thanks for any advice.
Just follow your heart. Do whatever feels right and has minimal (or zero) resistance. Nothing wrong with hanging out while her legalities are being sorted out, if that's what she also wants. If she doesn't respond (as she hasn't), move on... Keep yourself happy. Stop thinking so much!
Being divorced myself, I agree totally with all the others posts. In my divorce support group, the rule of thumb was no dating or etc for at least one year.....it is hard to explain how bizarre your thinking is during this period for a lot of us.....also, for every 5 years of marriage, takes one yr to recover fully. I was married almost 25 yrs and it has indeed taken me 5-6 years to fully feel great and back to a happy life. But of course these are just very general ideas.
Even if they think so, most going through divorce are not immediately ready for any dating/committment etc. Some get back together, some are totally heartbroken, some have children to get settled, new places to live etc. Your gal was not married that long so maybe nothing here applies precisely.
It is a form of hell on earth for some of us. But it DOES GET BETTER.
Wait and see....she can let YOU know if and when she is ready!!
Best wishes....
gbh
Quote:
Originally Posted by tmee1409
Here is my story in short. First I'm almost 30 and I'd say I probably have only been in love with one other girl besides this girl. I've always protected myself and didn't allow myself to get attached AT ALL.
I hung out with this girl about 5 years ago. At the time we were both in college, different schools, and only concentrated in our studies. So things didn't work out. We actually completely quit talking and didn't keep incontact until this past December. I wrote her just to see how she was doing and to say hi.
During the time between the two of us hanging out she met another guy and married him. He turned out to be a complete jerk. I don't know all that he did but I know he called her names and cheated on her at least once. I also know she left him 3-4 times in the 2.5 years they were married.
We started talking this past December and didn't hang out at all until probably the end of January. We then started kinda dating in Feb and were spending time with each other every weekend and talking daily. She had completely moved out of her husbands house before we started spending any time together and she filed for divorce close to right after we started only hanging out with each other.
We have since went from taking a break to breaking up. We haven't spoken to each other for a few weeks now again. We were very close and completely honest with each other while we were together. For me it is really hard to open up and feel comfortable with anyone and I did with her. I am still in love with her and still think of her daily. I have tried to reach out to her multiple times and she never responds. I at least like to still think she still loves me but she is trying to deal with her divorce and get her life back on track.
I have tried to give her space but I have failed many times. I'm not use to caring about anyone this much. I do want to talk to her and clear the air between us but I don't want to push her or make her hate me.
My question is, is there anyone on here that has been through the same situation or been through a divorce? I haven't and to be honest I have no clue how to handle this. I've been told by friends to completely forget about her and I have tried that but I can't.
Here is my story in short. First I'm almost 30 and I'd say I probably have only been in love with one other girl besides this girl. I've always protected myself and didn't allow myself to get attached AT ALL.
I hung out with this girl about 5 years ago. At the time we were both in college, different schools, and only concentrated in our studies. So things didn't work out. We actually completely quit talking and didn't keep incontact until this past December. I wrote her just to see how she was doing and to say hi.
During the time between the two of us hanging out she met another guy and married him. He turned out to be a complete jerk. I don't know all that he did but I know he called her names and cheated on her at least once. I also know she left him 3-4 times in the 2.5 years they were married.
We started talking this past December and didn't hang out at all until probably the end of January. We then started kinda dating in Feb and were spending time with each other every weekend and talking daily. She had completely moved out of her husbands house before we started spending any time together and she filed for divorce close to right after we started only hanging out with each other.
We have since went from taking a break to breaking up. We haven't spoken to each other for a few weeks now again. We were very close and completely honest with each other while we were together. For me it is really hard to open up and feel comfortable with anyone and I did with her. I am still in love with her and still think of her daily. I have tried to reach out to her multiple times and she never responds. I at least like to still think she still loves me but she is trying to deal with her divorce and get her life back on track.
I have tried to give her space but I have failed many times. I'm not use to caring about anyone this much. I do want to talk to her and clear the air between us but I don't want to push her or make her hate me.
My question is, is there anyone on here that has been through the same situation or been through a divorce? I haven't and to be honest I have no clue how to handle this. I've been told by friends to completely forget about her and I have tried that but I can't.
Thanks for any advice.
Gosh, I just hate it when a marriage gets in the way of a relationship
Okay, seriously now, in life timing is EVERYTHING.
Now is just not the time for the two of you to be together.
She has work to do to finish up the divorce and you would be very wise to give her time to do that.
Let her know you're "around" but that you are stepping back to give her the space to get her life in order and won't be contacting her or pursuing working anything out with her until she is a completely free woman. This is your best hope for anything good between you later down the line.
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