I think I am a female narcissist... (boyfriend, girlfriend, guys)
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I've been reading these boards for weeks and I've finally decided to join and to share my thoughts about this. To get straight to the point, I'm pretty sure I'm a narcissist. I've thought this for some time now but seeing this subject pop up in so many threads here recently has encouraged me to post this.
I'm a 21 year old female art student in England. I suffered from depression from the age of 13, I'm a recovered anorexic and I've suffered from social anxiety from the age of 18 (at which point i isolated myself and didnt leave the house for over a year).
Now that that's out of the way, I've always had a sense that I was unique, special, "above" the people who tormented me through my school years. I used to sit at home and dream of meeting them again in ten years time and watch them squirm as I walked in better than them, above them, superior to them. It doesn't seem so unusual.. of course plenty of people fantasize about these things right?
But as i grew older, this need to be the best became an obsession. I had to be perfect, I had to look better, act better, sound better, know more, be more talented etc.. Which lead to alot of disappointment and self hatred on my part.
During my late teens I started to have this sense of being the best.. I DESERVED to win the college awards, and when I didn't I cried FIX! Surely it was a fix, no? I mean, there's no way I couldn't have won. It tortured me, and filled me with anger that someone could be crowned better than me. That's the thing, when i absolutely KNEW I should have won or be graded better, it hit me like a ton of bricks because i felt that *I* deserved it.
Now I have a boyfriend and I'm starting to see patterns in the way I treat him. Sometimes, and as awful as this sounds, I have considered that the reason I am with him is because he is not as good looking as me. And that by him being "below" me, he will admire me and be grateful to have me as his girlfriend. I felt as if no other female would find him attractive. The funny thing is, when I did notice that females like him, it almost caused me a mental breakdown. I felt completely lost, i realized that he IS desirable, and it killed me. How dare he be desirable, I thought. But deep down I do love him.. it's just, these thoughts of him not getting anyone else made me feel safe. it made me feel that he wont stray.
And I do things.. I don't know why i do them. I play mind games with him. One day I make it the most wonderful day for him, I treat him like a king, I give him everything, i shower him in attention and kisses... Then the next day.... I take it away LIKE THAT. GONE. And he's left wondering what happened. But do you know what he does? Out of fear or losing me and of never having a wonderful day like that again, he comes crawling back to me, sweet talking me, clinging to me, promising me the world, doing anything i want him to do...
And with that, I know I have him. Mine. I do it because it makes me feel safe. And with it, I get a sense of pride knowing that I can wrap him around my finger. I hate to admit it because i know i'm an awful person but I can't help it, it's the truth.
Another thing is, I make big dramas up when i talk to people in person. I told my lecture that a family member was ill, when I said it I knew it was wrong but the sympathy and attention I got made me feel liked, respected.
I lie and tell my boyfriend that guys hit on me, i also gave him a fake pregnancy scare just to see his reaction. I wanted the dramatics..
I'm so confused about everything. I know it's not normal but I feel like without all these awful things I do, I'm just a scared pathetic person...
Yeah it does sound like you have a lot of symptoms of NPD. (Narcisstic personality disorder) The one difference is that most people with NPD would never consider that they could have it, because of course they are "perfect." But everything else sounds pretty right on. Maybe you should make a counseling appointment.
Hello,
As I can't comment on your actions or thoughts, for I am not a mental health professional, I do have to commend you on your bravery. To come to this group and describe in all honesty these disturbing things that you have noticed about yourself. The first step in correcting something is obviously acknowledment of it in the first place. I am pretty sure the majority of ppl around the world have a experienced these things either to a lesser extent and some to a more extend than you have described. If they say they haven't, they are either lying or do not have the depth to look inside themselves and find these disfunctional thoughts and actions. I do believe some stem from childhood. Please talk to a professional. A good one can probably help.
Please do not feel that you are a bad person. If it is a childhood issue that you carried to adulthood, realease this burden. Being forthcoming is your biggest and most important step.
goodness, I think you have issues but at least you are aware of them. some of this is just about growing up and figuring out what kind of person you really want to be. I think some of the stuff you mention is not all that far off the mark for your age and your past experience. you sound smart and I think some of these things you can change if you want to and make the change. I will put my comments in red to your postings
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtistGirl
I've been reading these boards for weeks and I've finally decided to join and to share my thoughts about this. To get straight to the point, I'm pretty sure I'm a narcissist. I've thought this for some time now but seeing this subject pop up in so many threads here recently has encouraged me to post this.
I'm a 21 year old female art student in England. I suffered from depression from the age of 13, I'm a recovered anorexic
HUGE CONGRATULATIONS you have a inner strength that you should be very proud of.
and I've suffered from social anxiety from the age of 18 (at which point i isolated myself and didnt leave the house for over a year).
Now that that's out of the way,
Again congratulations, yo have overcome another big hurdle!
I've always had a sense that I was unique, special, "above" the people who tormented me through my school years. I used to sit at home and dream of meeting them again in ten years time and watch them squirm as I walked in better than them, above them, superior to them. It doesn't seem so unusual.. of course plenty of people fantasize about these things right?
this sounds pretty normal. kids can be way mean
But as i grew older, this need to be the best became an obsession. I had to be perfect, I had to look better, act better, sound better, know more, be more talented etc.. Which lead to alot of disappointment and self hatred on my part.
During my late teens I started to have this sense of being the best.. I DESERVED to win the college awards, and when I didn't I cried FIX! Surely it was a fix, no? I mean, there's no way I couldn't have won. It tortured me, and filled me with anger that someone could be crowned better than me. That's the thing, when i absolutely KNEW I should have won or be graded better, it hit me like a ton of bricks because i felt that *I* deserved it.
striving for excellence is a good thing, you just need to stop your worry about failure or not doing as good as you hoped you would. none of us are perfect. failure means you tried don't take it so hard
Now I have a boyfriend and I'm starting to see patterns in the way I treat him. Sometimes, and as awful as this sounds, I have considered that the reason I am with him is because he is not as good looking as me. And that by him being "below" me, he will admire me and be grateful to have me as his girlfriend. I felt as if no other female would find him attractive. The funny thing is, when I did notice that females like him, it almost caused me a mental breakdown. I felt completely lost, i realized that he IS desirable, and it killed me. How dare he be desirable, I thought. But deep down I do love him.. it's just, these thoughts of him not getting anyone else made me feel safe. it made me feel that he wont stray.
And I do things.. I don't know why i do them. I play mind games with him. One day I make it the most wonderful day for him, I treat him like a king, I give him everything, i shower him in attention and kisses... Then the next day.... I take it away LIKE THAT. GONE. And he's left wondering what happened. But do you know what he does? Out of fear or losing me and of never having a wonderful day like that again, he comes crawling back to me, sweet talking me, clinging to me, promising me the world, doing anything i want him to do...
And with that, I know I have him. Mine. I do it because it makes me feel safe. And with it, I get a sense of pride knowing that I can wrap him around my finger. I hate to admit it because i know i'm an awful person but I can't help it, it's the truth.
your insecurities are showing you are doing everything you can to prove to yourself that your boy friend really does like you. will you feel better if you drive him away with your game playing and then figure out that he really did like you? trust in your life, do not worry about being hurt or perfect. life isn't perfect nor is it all about happiness. open up to it and see what happens. allow your self to grow
Another thing is, I make big dramas up when i talk to people in person. I told my lecture that a family member was ill, when I said it I knew it was wrong but the sympathy and attention I got made me feel liked, respected.
I lie and tell my boyfriend that guys hit on me, i also gave him a fake pregnancy scare just to see his reaction. I wanted the dramatics..
you need a hobby, something that you are good at so you can be satisfied woth yourself. and not need other people to determine your worth or give you attention. learn a sport, or take up art. you need more in your life
I'm so confused about everything. I know it's not normal but I feel like without all these awful things I do, I'm just a scared pathetic person...
you should talk to someone if you yourself can't feel better about this stuff. I feel confident for you that you are honest enough to see what you don't like about yourself. now do the hard work to change what you don't like. it takes practice but after awhile you will be who you want to be. good luck
If you can recognize it, and do nothing about it, THAT would make you a less than worthy person. Congratulations on what you are doing so far. Now follow through so that you, and anyone you bring into your life, can be truly happy. No one should have to suffer for your issues and you have to know this existence is certain to be a toxic one for you.
I've been reading these boards for weeks and I've finally decided to join and to share my thoughts about this. To get straight to the point, I'm pretty sure I'm a narcissist. I've thought this for some time now but seeing this subject pop up in so many threads here recently has encouraged me to post this.
I'm a 21 year old female art student in England. I suffered from depression from the age of 13, I'm a recovered anorexic and I've suffered from social anxiety from the age of 18 (at which point i isolated myself and didnt leave the house for over a year).
Now that that's out of the way, I've always had a sense that I was unique, special, "above" the people who tormented me through my school years. I used to sit at home and dream of meeting them again in ten years time and watch them squirm as I walked in better than them, above them, superior to them. It doesn't seem so unusual.. of course plenty of people fantasize about these things right?
But as i grew older, this need to be the best became an obsession. I had to be perfect, I had to look better, act better, sound better, know more, be more talented etc.. Which lead to alot of disappointment and self hatred on my part.
During my late teens I started to have this sense of being the best.. I DESERVED to win the college awards, and when I didn't I cried FIX! Surely it was a fix, no? I mean, there's no way I couldn't have won. It tortured me, and filled me with anger that someone could be crowned better than me. That's the thing, when i absolutely KNEW I should have won or be graded better, it hit me like a ton of bricks because i felt that *I* deserved it.
Now I have a boyfriend and I'm starting to see patterns in the way I treat him. Sometimes, and as awful as this sounds, I have considered that the reason I am with him is because he is not as good looking as me. And that by him being "below" me, he will admire me and be grateful to have me as his girlfriend. I felt as if no other female would find him attractive. The funny thing is, when I did notice that females like him, it almost caused me a mental breakdown. I felt completely lost, i realized that he IS desirable, and it killed me. How dare he be desirable, I thought. But deep down I do love him.. it's just, these thoughts of him not getting anyone else made me feel safe. it made me feel that he wont stray.
And I do things.. I don't know why i do them. I play mind games with him. One day I make it the most wonderful day for him, I treat him like a king, I give him everything, i shower him in attention and kisses... Then the next day.... I take it away LIKE THAT. GONE. And he's left wondering what happened. But do you know what he does? Out of fear or losing me and of never having a wonderful day like that again, he comes crawling back to me, sweet talking me, clinging to me, promising me the world, doing anything i want him to do...
And with that, I know I have him. Mine. I do it because it makes me feel safe. And with it, I get a sense of pride knowing that I can wrap him around my finger. I hate to admit it because i know i'm an awful person but I can't help it, it's the truth.
Another thing is, I make big dramas up when i talk to people in person. I told my lecture that a family member was ill, when I said it I knew it was wrong but the sympathy and attention I got made me feel liked, respected.
I lie and tell my boyfriend that guys hit on me, i also gave him a fake pregnancy scare just to see his reaction. I wanted the dramatics..
I'm so confused about everything. I know it's not normal but I feel like without all these awful things I do, I'm just a scared pathetic person...
I don't see this as a narcissistic personality disorder at all.
On the contrary, I believe it's all rooted in low self-esteem.
The "secretly, I'm better than everyone else" facade is a defense that many insecure people use, especially when they are young, to protect their psyches from utter devastation. You see it a lot in strippers, drug addicts, the homeless, people of that nature. Outsiders.
In them, it's utterly pitiful.
I feel sad for you. I wish I could give you a hug.
You have one thing going for you here, and it's this: you are very introspective, very self-perceptive.
I think it's reasonable to hope that someday, you will be able to use these qualities to cure yourself.
Thank you, to be honest I expected alot of hate mail and comments telling me how awful I am. I've booked an appointment to see a psychiatrist in July, but part of me is absolutely petrified to admit any of this to them. I can just see the look of disapproval on their face when I tell them and it scares me off. In a way, posting here is "testing the water", before I'm able to actually tell someone face to face.. I'm trying my hardest to go through with it, I really am.
On the contrary, I believe it's all rooted in low self-esteem.
The "secretly, I'm better than everyone else" facade is a defense that many insecure people use, especially when they are young, to protect their psyches from utter devastation. You see it a lot in strippers, drug addicts, the homeless, people of that nature. Outsiders.
In them, it's utterly pitiful.
I hear you and I respect your post but I feel there is a healthy form of "better then everyone else" attitude.
Mind you, I don't feel that my DNA is better then everybody else but I do feel that I can do certain things better then everybody else.
Anyhow, if the original poster feels that she should win, because she is better; well, she just might be as people who preform better then others tend to think of themselves very highly from the start.
take your post to the doctor. a doctor should not make you feel bad about your concerns. if they do find another doctor
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