Who should pay for dinner on the first date? (hubby, attraction, friendships)
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Yeah, maybe. I had some money issues with the last person I dated, but it wasn't that she didn't pay her fair share, or even more than her fair share. She absolutely did. The "issue" I had was that I wasn't saving much anymore as we were going out so much. A good problem to have, since we were having a good time. I'd gladly do it again.
Yes. This is my favorite money problem.
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Interesting. It seems its still expected from men to take care of a woman's expenses.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Checkered24
There certainly seems to be a theme between those who complain too loudly about having to pay for something on a first date, and sense they are just really frugal with money.
I know we have had a few people, college guys, who complain about not being able to afford it. However, I think that is a minority, as most seem more concerned with the person they asked out taking advantage of them for a free evening.
I wonder if it would be the same for them if they had, say, tickets to a sporting event and asked a male friend to go. Would they demand that friend reimburse them for the ticket? Or would they be happy to have the company?
I have asked this question the other way around before. When a group of girlfriends goes out nobody makes a big deal about who pays or who doesn't pay, who came up with the plan or not, if the restaurant is a chain restaurant or not, etc. It's no big deal. They all pitch in and nobody expects/demands anything from anybody. But when it comes to dating all of a sudden it's all a man's responsibility to pay, to take initiative, to be extra careful of what restaurant he takes them, etc.
I rather have BOTH parties relaxed just like when they go out with their buddies or girlfriends. In that kind of atmosphere everybody is happy to be there, no tension, everybody pitches in with expenses, and simply has a good time. No expectations or demands from anybody. You simply spend time with someone that attracts you, be yourself, and see where things lead to.
Interesting. It seems its still expected from men to take care of a woman's expenses.
I have asked this question the other way around before. When a group of girlfriends goes out nobody makes a big deal about who pays or who doesn't pay, who came up with the plan or not, etc. They all pitch in and nobody expects/demands anything from anybody. But when it comes to dating all of a sudden it's all a man's responsibility to pay, to take initiative, to be extra careful of what restaurant he takes them, etc.
I rather have BOTH parties relaxed just like when they go out with their buddies or girlfriends. In that kind of atmosphere everybody is happy to be there, no tension, everybody pitches in with expenses, and simply has a good time. No expectations or demands from anybody. You simply spend time with someone that attracts you, be yourself, and see where things lead to.
Your previous post was a tacit admission of that, which is consistently denied around here.
Okay, man. Believe whatever you want.
I never said anyone made "the rules." Or that there were any "rules."
There's being polite, and there's being a selfish jerk.
Try both and see how far each one takes you.
I'm pretty sure that many moons ago, when dating first crept into existence, some dude somewhere along the line started the whole "men pay" thing by... HAVING MONEY BECAUSE WOMEN WEREN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY.
So, go blame him.
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Interesting. It seems its still expected from men to take care of a woman's expenses.
I have asked this question the other way around before. When a group of girlfriends goes out nobody makes a big deal about who pays or who doesn't pay, who came up with the plan or not, if the restaurant is a chain restaurant or not, etc. It's no big deal. They all pitch in and nobody expects/demands anything from anybody. But when it comes to dating all of a sudden it's all a man's responsibility to pay, to take initiative, to be extra careful of what restaurant he takes them, etc.
I rather have BOTH parties relaxed just like when they go out with their buddies or girlfriends. In that kind of atmosphere everybody is happy to be there, no tension, everybody pitches in with expenses, and simply has a good time. No expectations or demands from anybody. You simply spend time with someone that attracts you, be yourself, and see where things lead to.
I realize you and I have discussed this about a dozen times, but don't you think it's fair to say that when most people go on a first date, they really don't know one another very well?
If so, why wouldn't the polite thing to do with a relative stranger be to pay for the evening out if you asked and you planned it?
If you go out on a date with someone who was formerly a friend for years, I would expect they would likely just chip in and do the thing that friends usually do. I agree with you that most friends tend to be very casual and want to be fair with one another.
However, there are people who are friends who nickel and dime EVERYTHING. These are usually more acquaintances than friends and the sort that people eventually quit wanting to hang out with if they don't ease up.
When you are on a first date, you are with an acquaintance. The person that asked should expect to pay and be pleasantly delighted if the other party offers to pay for anything, if they had hoped not to have to pay the full cost for some reason.
I have absolutely no issue paying for meals for my friends. But, if some guy I barely knew asked me out, picked a restaurant and another activity and EXPECTED me to pay half?
No. I'd immediately be disinterested because it's a sure sign he's a miser.
I'm not a miser, why would I want to date one?
I'm quite generous. I expect that sort of generosity in people I get close to as well.
If generosity for the man in question means he springs for fries to go with those burgers he bought us while we walked around downtown and talked and got to know one another? That's cool. I don't expect to be wined and dined in an extravagant fashion.
I just don't dig cheapskates.
It's an ugly quality in a human of any gender.
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I will never understand inordinately frugal individuals. Why date? Internet porn is effectively cheaper.
I had a boyfriend like that once. I nicknamed him Mr. Krabs. Listen, I'm not rolling in doe (more like drowning in student debt), but there is a level of politeness that even the cheapest of the cheapskates should adhere to, otherwise they will have a tough time in the dating scene.
I consider myself a fairly flexible person. So I'm fine with going to Burger King, grabbing some 1.95$ chicken nuggets and having a game night. I won't assume the individual is broke, cheap or impoverished. Being in college, I totally empathize with wanting to save money and keeping dates on the casual side. Most of the guys I date are in college, as well.
That being said, don't ask me on a date if you're going to nickel and dime me to death. If you can't afford to go out, then quite simply, don't. I think it's pretty rude to ask someone to pitch in when you were the one who asked the person out, organized the date and orchestrated the whole ordeal. That would be the first and last date for me. Like I said, I don't have an issue paying my own but when I'm invited out, there is a level of expectation that that person be able to afford inviting me out.
I also don't buy the whole, "guys are expected to ask girls out". Yes, usually men initiate the first couple of dates but then I think it becomes a mutual thing. All the times I've dated, I'll get asked out the first or second time before I invite him out. Of course, assuming the date went well, we take turns inviting one another on dates. And when I invite someone out, I make sure that I can afford it. If you're going on dates with a woman who never approaches you to go out, too, well ... maybe it's time to stop dating her.
Moral of the story: Frugalness is a huge turn off.
I will never understand inordinately frugal individuals. Why date? Internet porn is effectively cheaper.
I had a boyfriend like that once. I nicknamed him Mr. Krabs. Listen, I'm not rolling in doe (more like drowning in student debt), but there is a level of politeness that even the cheapest of the cheapskates should adhere to, otherwise they will have a tough time in the dating scene.
I consider myself a fairly flexible person. So I'm fine with going to Burger King, grabbing some 1.95$ chicken nuggets and having a game night. I won't assume the individual is broke, cheap or impoverished. Being in college, I totally empathize with wanting to save money and keeping dates on the casual side. Most of the guys I date are in college, as well.
That being said, don't ask me on a date if you're going to nickel and dime me to death. If you can't afford to go out, then quite simply, don't. I think it's pretty rude to ask someone to pitch in when you were the one who asked the person out, organized the date and orchestrated the whole ordeal. That would be the first and last date for me. Like I said, I don't have an issue paying my own but when I'm invited out, there is a level of expectation that that person be able to afford inviting me out.
I also don't buy the whole, "guys are expected to ask girls out". Yes, usually men initiate the first couple of dates but then I think it becomes a mutual thing. All the times I've dated, I'll get asked out the first or second time before I invite him out. Of course, assuming the date went well, we take turns inviting one another on dates. And when I invite someone out, I make sure that I can afford it. If you're going on dates with a woman who never approaches you to go out, too, well ... maybe it's time to stop dating her.
Moral of the story: Frugalness is a huge turn off.
Frugalness isn't bad.
I think the word you're looking for is cheap....
Frugal and cheap aren't and shouldn't be the same thing.
I am a believer in the one who asked should be ready to pay.
If you're inviting someone out for an evening that you planned, I see you as the host for the evening, and thus you would be the one to treat. Now if someone is just against paying for someone else, and wants to go dutch, including that in the invite would be a good idea, then you can both make plans together.
Because if I am going to be going dutch, it needs to be an evening that I helped plan and had say in. Because if we're going to be equals in money, then we needs to be equals in the plans and what's going to be done on said date.
Rather than asking someone out, then telling them when they're out with you, or when the check comes that you expect them to pay their own way. Even though you asked them out, and they did what it was you wanted and planned.
It just seems jerkish--on a man or woman, to ask for a date where they make the plans then expect their date to pay their own way for an evening or activity that they wanted & chose to do.
So not really a men vs women issue like some make it. Whomever asked, man or woman, it just seems proper and good manners to treat if the other person had no say in what you wanted to take them to do that day.
Of course if your date offers to go dutch, then nothing wrong with accepting that. No blame there.
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