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When choosing your friends or significant others, what is it that draws you to them and not others? Being a total outcast since I was 13, I have been pondering this issue. I am in my 30s and I have no friends, no bf, and I've never been married or engaged, Clearly, something is wrong with me, right? I've consodered this from several perspectives. At this point, I've formulated a biological theory. It may be the easy way out because it frees me from any responsibility in the situation but based on my observations, it makes sense-it's simple natural selection. Some people have to be left behind. Not everyone can reproduce, and being accepted socially increases your chances for reproduction. Maybe it's an alternative to mutatiom or maybe it is a mutation that causes the production of a pheromone or something that we're not even comscious of, that causes an aversion to some people. Or perhaps, there are a multitude of conspiring factors. In my case, for example, I became ill as a teenager and missed a lot of opportunity for socialization but at that point I was already an outcast. In addiion, I'm not deformed but I'm no supermodel, another impediment to procreation. So, maybe the social part is just a piece of a greater whole.
In amy caee, it's immensely frustrating because there are much more objectionable people both physically and intellectually, even socially, with plenty of friends, a bf, a husband.
So, why are some people, who don't look grossly different, aren't mentally impaired, aren't freaks or jerks, outcasts? Why was I always the one who didn't get picked and had to be assigned to a group and why hasn't it ever changed? There may be things that I can improve but no one should have to bemd over backwards or make it a life's ambition to have friends. It seems to me that people tend to just coalesce but wih me it's like oil and water. Most people have to work to maintain friendships but from what I have observed over the years, makig friends should not and does not require extraordinary efforts.
most of my friends were just random people i said "whats up?" to one day and we hung out a few times afterwards. some friends stick, some dont. some disappear after awhile because of life, some are always around
99% of the girls ive met are were also just random people at one point i saw at a location and decided to strike a conversation up with. sometimes it works sometimes it dont
That is exactly my point. No one ever approaches me or makes any attempt to be friendly. That is what I'm trying to find out. I've seen the way other people interact and I know that at some point most people have been engaged in conversation or approached in some way but never me. I went to college twice, when I was 18 and again a coue of years ago and I was never asked out, spoken to, or anything.
Welcome to my world. I may not be the most prettiest girl in the world and I don't have the best personality, but I can think of many others who are worse than me that have SO's. Some people were just meant to be alone and while I do have a daughter and was married so it wasn't always that way, I think now I'm done as far as relationships with people go. I can so relate!
Most people. In my case, it's all people. After a while, especially this long, I have to wonder if there is something really off putting, and for that reason, I won't initiate anything. Particularly where guys are concerned, if I had the confidence from having been approached by men, I might consider it but given my history, never.
That is exactly my point. No one ever approaches me or makes any attempt to be friendly. That is what I'm trying to find out. I've seen the way other people interact and I know that at some point most people have been engaged in conversation or approached in some way but never me. I went to college twice, when I was 18 and again a coue of years ago and I was never asked out, spoken to, or anything.
It's possible that you give off body language that keeps people at arm's length. Maybe it's facial expression. Maybe it's hunched shoulders or lurking at the outside of groups. I'm not sure. Most people are a little afraid of rejection at some level. So a guy is more likely to go over and flirt with a girl who's smiling at him and inviting. Someone looking for a friend is more likely to approach someone who seems open and social.
I do think that being friendly is a skill that can be learned, like any other. You could pick two new activities and experiment. Maybe you go to volunteer at the humane society (if you like animals.) Maybe you join some sort of group sport activity like volleyball or a yoga class. View it as a science experiment. Study the social butterflies and see what they're doing physically. See what they're saying, what are good conversation starters. Dress can have something to do with it. If your clothes are within norms, then you don't need to clone someone else and wear things you hate. If you constantly wear all-black or something a little intimidating, it might be worth it to reconsider.
Most people. In my case, it's all people. After a while, especially this long, I have to wonder if there is something really off putting, and for that reason, I won't initiate anything. Particularly where guys are concerned, if I had the confidence from having been approached by men, I might consider it but given my history, never.
If it's all people, then there probably is something off-putting. But that doesn't mean it's you that's off-putting, just that one characteristic. Behaviors can be unlearned just as they're learned.
Men get saddled with the task of pursuing, which some enjoy more than others. In your case, if you're shy, a shy guy would probably make a good match for you, but they often have more trouble than most approaching girls. No one wants to be rejected. You understand that well enough because you know how it's affected your confidence. If you're smiling invitingly, twirling your hair, flashing a coy look and flirting a bit, it gives a guy the clear signal that you're interested and he has a higher than average chance of getting a "yes" if he risks asking you out. Most guys won't just go up to a girl who isn't giving off hints unless she's a supermodel. So 99% of us don't get that luxury.
It could be something as simple as smiling more or changing your posture. If could mean that you should learn some simple conversation starters and practice. It could mean updating your wardrobe. Which of those sounds like they might fit?
Jordan - Odds are there is nothing different or offensive about you. I've guessing you just don't put yourself out there for people to meet. I'm going to say that being a guy I have never turned down an opportunity to talk to a women. Even if it's just a quick hello, how are you at the magazine stand.
I would suggest you simply just start with a smile and a "how's it going" the next time you see someone you want to talk to..
With that being said.. HI Jordan. I'm John. Good to meet you.
It's nice to meet you John. However; you sound a bit more open than I think a lot of people probably are. I think what I'm getting at also, is that some people, like my mother, are engaged by others in coversation, while people like me, aren't...ever. I understand what you're saying about making an effort but I'm so dejected at this point, as a result of passive rejection, putting myself in a position to be actively rejected, would make things worse.
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